Far away friends and loved ones - invite to shower?

spocker · December 2013

Working on list of addresses to give to my mom and sister who are throwing a shower for me. There are far away family members to whom, for example, we sent wedding invites knowing they would not be able to come, but sent as a kind of "really wish you could be here to party!" message. Does this apply to baby showers too?

edit: wasn't done, this is my first time putting up a poll and I have no idea when to click what buttons.

rockstarlaw · December 2013

I wrote a post about this a few weeks ago struggling with the same exact issue. I decided not to send invites. Part of my reasoning was also because the shower is really early and during an inconvenient time for many people (Jan 4). I asked another friend of mine who has three kids if I made the right decision and she believed I did.

Now, for family, I think it should be alright to invite far away family...most of the time...but I can tell you when my grandma got the invite to my SIL's shower she commented to my mom that she thought it was just an attempt to get a gift! HAHA! You just never know how people are going to take things.

I think sending notes that you are thinking of far away friends but understand they can't come is a lovely idea.

I plan to send open invites to my favorite people to come visit on at their convenience after the baby is born.

I think your closest friends will likely send gifts after or near the time the baby arrives regardless of a shower invitation anyway....and it seems less tacky.

But, as stated, I struggled with this myself. Not asserting I made the best choice that should apply to everyone, but I am personally comfortable with not sending the invites to those far away. It felt tacky to me...personally.

joyfullyfound · December 2013

It's not at all tacky to invite someone you know likely can't make it - it's tells them you wish they could be there.

I'd only recommend not sending an invite if you don't want them to come but figure they won't be able to anyways, so there'd be no harm in sending an invite - DH has family two provinces away that we didn't actually want at our wedding, but who his mom assured us wouldn't be able to come anyways so it would be a nice gesture to send them an invite. They ended up accepting and the added stress was unbelievable... I still shudder to think of it.

spocker · December 2013

So I wasn't too crazy - was remembering seeing a similar thread but my search skills were not bringing it up.

It is true you never know how others are going to take things, and can't control others' reactions.

However, I've apparently been not-sensitive-enough to etiquette stuff in the past - example, at a friend's baby shower I and all the other guests were asked to self-address envelopes that the mom to be would use for thank you notes. At the time I thought "cool idea, this will really help her!" Later I heard from many others that this was hurtful in that it implied MTB couldn't take the time to even write out an address to say thank you. I just don't want to be clueless in a way that is selfish or hurtful.

rockstarlaw · December 2013

^ that's crazy. It's totally a good idea to have people address the envelopes! Haha!

Ah well, as mentioned...you just never know how people are going to take things. Just do what you feel is right.

Alycia Hause · December 2013

I like getting invites to things from my friends far away, especially if it's someone who I'm close with. I like getting these people a gift and the invite will have registry information. If there's someone you think would find it tacky you could choose not to send them one, but if you have good friends I woukd send them one

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MadBloom · December 2013

I have a gf who lives on the east coast (I'm western canada so it's quite the distance). She visited in September and knew about the pregnancy and everything. After about a month after she left she sent a card that said congrats on the pregnancy and that since she knows she won't be around for the baby shower that she wanted to send a gift right away and stuck a gift card in the card. It was totally unexpected and so sweet of her. I also have A LOT of very close family out that way that I know will not be making a trip out for a baby shower so I have already decided not to send out invites. I'll let them know I'm having a shower and everything just because I talk to them all enough that it will come up but I do not expect gifts from any of them. I think if I sent invites it would seem like I was fishing for gifts. I will probably make a trip out myself to visit and take the baby so they get to meet him/her at some point in the first year and if they decide to get the baby something at that point then great, if not then I am just happy to see them and for them to meet baby.

nycgirlkat · December 2013

My husbands friends and their wives live out of state, but I sent invites anyway because all but 1 couple are driving distance and I plan to follow up the invite with an email saying maybe their husbands and kids could come and hang out at my house during the shower, this way the guys get to see eachother too! I'll also ask them to not send a gift as I really don't want the gift, just them if they can make it.

Bluebird2318 · December 2013

If they were people I was truly close to, I would include them in the list of addresses to give to the hostess(es) but personally follow it up with a call to let them know that I understand they probably cannot make it, that they will be missed, and please don't feel obligated to send a gift, etc. If we were not close enough for that sort of conversation, I simply wouldn't include them in the list to begin with.

Rrrrrachel · December 2013

I say send it but only for very close friends or family. I sent an invite to my mil even though I knew she couldn't come, but not anyone else.

RebeccaY1 · December 2013

I had my shower a few weeks ago and I invited a lot of people that live far away. I knew they wouldn't be able to come, but I wanted them to know that it was a nice sentiment. I didn't just mail invited to anyone, but I thought it was very appropriate to send invites to aunts even if they lived far away.

patunia7321 · December 2013

Much of my family/friends are close by so I have few "far away" issues but my DH's late grandma gave us advice before our wedding- Don't make decisions for other people, if you would want them there, invite them, and let them decide. I liked her reasoning.