Who is in charge, you or baby?

MegJ17 · December 2013

I'm pregnant with babies 3&4 so I know what I have done but I am curious to what others think. Will you let baby control your life or will you have baby be an addition? For example you get invited to a friend's house for a cookout or whatever but you put the baby to bed at 8. Do you go and leave at 8? Do you go and let the baby fall asleep there? Or do you not go? Discuss.

scarles · December 2013

I am reading babywise - the general thought so far is baby is an addition and will fit into our life as we currently live it (some modifications of course). For your example - I would let the baby fall asleep there. But would gladly use the excuse to go home because of baby if I didn't want to stay

jennypenny1014 · December 2013

My child does not run my life...well, not completely. For example: we are invited to go to a public event that would occur more than likely during naptime. I then find excuses not to go because my son can be a terror around naptime. However, if we are invited to a friend's home at the same time, I can always try to get him to nap there. If we're going to a cookout at a friend's home in the evening and boy's bedtime is at 8pm, you bet we're still going! DS gets a special pass to stay up a bit later, and if he's tired before we're ready to go, he gets put down and can sleep there, NBD. It's one night, not our everyday routine. Why let a child ruin your entire social life? As long as it's a family friendly event/environment, go and have a good time!

Cassi215 · December 2013

I think it all depends on the baby. I'm having twins and if they will be fine staying out then I would stay out but if not and it'll lead to a terrible night then I would go home.

Laroo0220 · December 2013

We have maintained our social lives fairly well since having our son 4 years ago. When he was a baby was def the easiest. We would just put him to sleep where we were either in a pack and play or infant carrier if it was just an hour or two. We also have people come to our house quite a bit now so that we can still see our friends but put our son to bed at bedtime. We are very flexible when there are things like weddings and holidays letting our son stay up way later than he normally would, but we also have a very laid back child so I'm not sure if this would change with a different personality.

Rrrrrachel · December 2013

Yeah this so completely depends.

Rrrrrachel · December 2013

And I think setting it up as "who's in charge" is pretty ridiculous. More like knowing what works best for your family. If you prove you're "in charge" by keeping your kid out at nap time or past bedtime but you can't enjoy the event because you're stuck with a grouchy kid and then you pay the price for the next two days, what have you really proven?

Kids have needs. Those needs are just as valid as your needs as an adult. Trying to meet them doesn't make you a lush over or mean you're spoiling your kid.

Rrrrrachel · December 2013

megla said:

I am reading babywise - the general thought so far is baby is an addition and will fit into our life as we currently live it (some modifications of course). For your example - I would let the baby fall asleep there. But would gladly use the excuse to go home because of baby if I didn't want to stay

I think there are some good things in babywise (isn't that where eat/play/sleep comes from?) but you may want to take it with a big grain of salt. Aap (among other groups) has expressed concern about some of the advice in it. https://aapnews.aappublications.org/content/14/4/21.abstract

amhah09 · December 2013

Depends on ages and personalities. I don't make anything harder on myself or my kids so if it means they'll be cranky or won't sleep well then we won't go. Or we do leave early. Or a younger baby would sleep there. Or an older kid might get a later bedtime. It really all depends.

momofmanyinthemitten · December 2013

Both of my kids fall apart at 6:30. Neither will sleep anywhere but their bed. I wouldn't put them or any of my friends through that if I didn't have to. We usually put them to bed at 7 and leave them with a sitter.

Andrewsgal · December 2013

Rrrrrachel said:

And I think setting it up as "who's in charge" is pretty ridiculous. More like knowing what works best for your family. If you prove you're "in charge" by keeping your kid out at nap time or past bedtime but you can't enjoy the event because you're stuck with a grouchy kid and then you pay the price for the next two days, what have you really proven?

Kids have needs. Those needs are just as valid as your needs as an adult. Trying to meet them doesn't make you a lush over or mean you're spoiling your kid.

yes thank you. My first needed her naps at home my second slept on the go. Meeting my kids needs has nothing to do with who is in charge. Being a parent isn't always convenient or fun.

RebeccaY1 · December 2013

I think it depends upon the child and the age. A baby will sleep fairly frequently so it's hard to always go home. For an older child I would leave so that the child can have their bedtime routine. Sometimes part of being a parent means doing the responsible thing, which isn't always the fun thing.

scarles · December 2013

Rrrrrachel said:

megla said:

I am reading babywise - the general thought so far is baby is an addition and will fit into our life as we currently live it (some modifications of course). For your example - I would let the baby fall asleep there. But would gladly use the excuse to go home because of baby if I didn't want to stay

I think there are some good things in babywise (isn't that where eat/play/sleep comes from?) but you may want to take it with a big grain of salt. Aap (among other groups) has expressed concern about some of the advice in it. https://aapnews.aappublications.org/content/14/4/21.abstract

Thanks! I don't plan on following word for word. But I don't like the concept better than on-demand feeding so I'm hoping to find a good middle ground.

Rrrrrachel · December 2013

I think people who take what it says about routine and leave what it says about a regiments schedule seem to like it

scarles · December 2013

Agreed!

Bluebird2318 · December 2013

Completely depends on the situation and baby. I was able to take DD to restaurants by the time she was 3 months old because she has never been a big fusser. She is 18 months old now and I think she has cried twice ever at a restaurant.

If DS is a fussy baby, I wouldn't take him out like that. I would, however, feel comfortable taking him to a family dinner at someone's home because the environment is different.

If there is an occasional bedtime conflict we just let her stay up longer or fall asleep at the event. Or we use her as an excuse to leave early or not go.

If it were a new baby and just falling into a routine for the first time I would probably decline social events more often, but neither DH nor I are exceptionally social when it comes to day-to-day life anyway.

MapleLeafMama · December 2013

It's not black and white about "who's in charge." Somedays, the baby will dictate what you do, other days, you get to. It is totally situationally dependent and depends on so many factors.

We made the decision to be diligent about nap and bed times. We worked our lives around it. It worked for us because my son thrived on a schedule and was happy and well rested. When he was a newborn, he could nap anywhere (parent's in charge), but as he got older, he could only nap at home (kid was in charge). If he didn't nap on schedule, he was absolutely miserable.

AcaAwkward · December 2013

As many PPers have said, I think it totally depends on the child and the situation. If DD is well rested, she does great in public and at social events, but bedtime is pretty much bedtime for her (normal bedtime is 7-7:30 and she will ask to go to sleep if we try and push it any longer), and she really needs her bed or another space she's really comfortable with (like her cribs at her grandparents' homes). There is no way she'd just fall asleep at a friend's house. She also will not nap on the go -- no car naps since probably 15 mo or so, it doesn't matter how exhausted she is.

Yes, this means we have to work around her sleep schedule, but I really appreciate the fact that she's such a great and consistent sleeper at this point (NOT the case for her first year). If we want to enjoy an event that goes much past bedtime, we get a sitter. Most events falling into that category are events I'd rather enjoy sans toddler in tow anyhow, and I think child-free time is important for us individually and as a couple.

To me, having a kid who "calls the shots" means having a kid who lacks discipline and involves parents bending to their child's every whim and desire. Respecting an appropriate schedule for your child doesn't fall into that category at all for me. I also tend to sideeye sources that instruct new parents on how to raise a baby that "fits nearly into the life they already have." Not that YOUR ENTIRE WORLD should = your child, but...kids SHOULD change your life in loads of different ways. I think it's silly to expect or plan otherwise.

MamaFantastic · December 2013

I agree with many things said above. You forego at times, you modify at times, and you get selfish and force your kid to roll with the punches at times.

Any STB parent who gleefully and naively says "the baby will fit into MY life!" (a la babywise) is in for a rude awakening sooner or later. Babies are selfish and needy, and that's exactly how they're supposed to be!

And it's so true... each kid is unique and has an ever-evolving set of tolerable parameters within which parents can safely tread. My kid DID do well falling asleep other places if it was quiet and dark, but not when it was loud or busy, which opened up doors for us to say yes to certain events. He NEVER transferred from car to house without waking up, so that limited us.

I will expect this new baby to likely be more adaptable than my kiddo, as she will be forced to deal with sharing parents, fitting into the existing family rhythm, enduring loud noises, etc. I think it's very normal for a subsequent kid to have a resiliency that a firstborn often doesn't have.

Alycia Hause · December 2013

I plan to take advantage of our wonderful support system that is eager to bebabysitters so that hubby and I can still attend those events that it would not be fitting to bring baby to. I also expect that we will absolutely have to work with what's best for baby, which will probably change as she ages. I think it's so important to still find time for yourself and relationships, but of course we can't expect our social lives to go unchanged

!

katiedidthat · December 2013

We worked DS into our lives pretty well but we did definitely have to make changes. People are always astounded at how easily we maintained a similar lifestyle, but we also didn't exactly live crazy lives before he was born either. We still take trips (took DS on a week long cruise last month and have gone on a number of weekend vacations since he was born, the first being at about 8 weeks), we still go out to dinner, and we still have our time together, just 95% of the time- we're doing it with a one year old in tow. We'd like to do the same with #2 but that will depend on baby's personality. DS was happy to adapt to new situations easily and we were lucky for that.
As for the example given- we would go to a cookout and just plan to leave by 8, but DS's bedtime has always been around 930, so it didn't interfere with much. We will skip naptimes for big things like weddings, birthdays, or holidays.

ashcole28 · December 2013

We are big on routines. If it is during DS's bedtime we don't usually go. When our social group decides to plan a get together we all work around the children.

NicoleAnne416 · December 2013

Both. Babies need sleep. Kids need sleep. Sometimes we let our kids stay up, sometimes not. Usually only on occasions. Babies need naps. Occasionally we do a day at the zoo etc. and they nap in the stroller etc. but typically we'd be home for nap times. It just depends. Being a good parent means meeting the childs needs, and sleep is one of them. If there is a quiet place for them to sleep, maybe we'd stay, but usually not. Usually we'd let grandma and grandpa keep the little one over night so they can sleep uninterrupted.

J&NL · December 2013

DD has always been on my schedule. Unless I don't want to do something then I use nap time as an excuse.

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