No you cannot be in the delivery room!

BeckyF82 · December 2013

I love my MIL as she is normally fab but she is winding me up today. I have decided that I only want my hubby in the delivery room with me. Any other family or friends would just weird me out including my own mum. As far as I'm concerned if you wouldn't normally see my "chimney" then you can't see it when I'm pushing a baby out of it. My MIL keeps dropping it into conversation EVERY time I see her that she could just "pop" in to the delivery room to help out. Er what sort of help do you think you're going to be able to offer?! When i explained on several occasions that i dont want anyone apart from DH there She keeps mentioning that its different for her because she's "medical.".. What is this amazing medical background you ask? Is she a surgeon? An OB? A paediatrician? No. She works as a receptionist in a doctor's surgery. JEEZ!

At this very moment I am in bed and I can hear DH on the phone to her downstairs. All I can hear is him saying "yes I know you're medical mum. Yes I'll tell her.. Ok...".. Aaagggh!

Plus she keeps making dreadful name suggestions. She just suggested Orson and Orville if its a boy. Really?!

Avion22 · December 2013

Sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like you're doing the right thing -- every times he brings it up,correct her and move on. If she gets touchy about it,then you may need your H to talk to her. Also,make sure the hospital knows she is NOT allowed in-- they're good at keeping people out who want to stay out:-)

AliciaBeth · December 2013

I try to avoid controversy with my in-laws so I'd probably take the route of thanking her for her offer, and telling her you will certainly let her know if/ when you need her in the delivery room but that for now your plan is for it to just be you and DH.

What I didn't plan on happening during labor and delivery was for us to spend a lot of time waiting for the big stuff to happen. I ended up with hours worth of time where my parents and my in-laws sat in the room with us, just passing the time by while we waiting for me to progress. When it was time to push, the nurse came to check on me and they scooted out of the room and into the waiting area.

LEIGHLOVE09 · December 2013

That's why I didn't tell anyone I was in labor. We called everyone after she was born

ETA: This time my mom will watch DD1 while I'm in labor so she will know and I'm sure she'll tell my sister. I'll also tell my bestfriend but that's it. No inlaws unless DH chooses to tell them which I doubt he will.

BeckyF82 · December 2013

It's my mum that is actually worse. She is physically disabled and finds it hard to stand or sit in normal chairs for more than about ten mins etc (she has a special one at home) but keeps insisting that she will come straight to the hospital as soon as she hears I'm in labour. I keep telling her she could be sat in the waiting room for hours and hours ( maybe even overnight etc) and it will be agony for her but she is insistent. I know she will use it as an excuse to emotionally blackmail me into letting her into the room (but I've been waiting around for ages, I'm in agony, I deserve to come in, you're being cruel for keeping me in the waiting room etc). I tried explaining it to her in a practical way eg we will call get when labour has progressed enough so that by the time she arrives after the 40 min drive I will be delivering so she won't have long to wait but she wasn't having any of it. Think I'm going to do what someone else suggested and just not tell anyone I'm in the hospital until its too late for them to come down and start pressurising me into letting them in.

Kiahsimpson · December 2013

I've said from the beginning that I only want my husband and my mom in there. I actually told hubby last night that if my water were to break and I was home alone, I'd rather drive myself to the hospital than call his Mimi (we live right next to each other, on the same property). I don't even really want any of his family at the hospital, and luckily they probably won't be since they all live out of town except Mimi. On the off chance that she ever does try to say she wants in the room, I'll just tell her I don't feel comfortable with that. Is say you just have to keep at it anytime she brings it up, or have your husband just tell her that it isn't gonna happen.

amhah09 · December 2013

There are a few things you can do in these situations. 1) Keep telling her you do not want her in the delivery room, even for a second. Don't even try to appease her with a maybe and make sure DH follows these rules as well. 2) Do not tell her when you go to the hospital. 3) Let your provider and/or nurses know that you only want DH in there with you because they can also help keep her out.

My MIL stayed out when I was delivering but after DS was born (she had been waiting in the hallway) she popped her head into the room to see him when they were getting him cleaned up. I was still in stirrups getting stitched and I remember my midwife making a comment to one of the nurses to close the door because there are peeping toms in the hallway.

pbandjmom · December 2013

Luckly you still have 4 months to get it set in that you don't want her to be there. Try not to move conversation towards that topic when around her, and keep reiterating your opinion.

Also, I usually find that when I really disagree with something in-law related, having my husband deliver a firm "NO" is better than me saying it. Sometimes they'll listen to him more, so maybe tell your hubby to stop being so sweet to mom?

DemoDoll · December 2013

That stinks she is so adiment about it. My mom was kind of like that. She was pissed that my brother and SIL didn't have her in the delivery room or take her advice on any of the baby products thy used. She always said "I can't wait until you have a baby so I can be in the delivery room." Finally when I was pregnant I told her I want it to be a special moment between DH and I and not have a third wheel trying to hold the baby right away. That seemed to help when I made it about us having the special moment...it takes away the whole "medical experience" excuse. Good luck!

Also, with names, we decided to not tell with either kid because people make suggestions and think your name is just an option until they are born. It's nice just announcing it when they are born so people don't offer advice or opinions.

Hopefully she gets better and not worse when your baby arrives....

RebeccaY1 · December 2013

We live in a different country from all family and friends, so we won't have any visitors in the hospital. Even if we told people we were in labour they would still take a couple of days to get to us. We're planning on not telling anyone we're in labour and will only phone after the baby is here.

If I were you I would set rules with the hospital about who is allowed to visit and who isn't. Our hospital has all the rooms behind locked doors. They confirm with the mother before allowing a visitor in so that it controls how many people are in the room and that the mother is comfortable.

abbeylanecb · December 2013

Most nurses will help you out. They are great at kicking people out when you are ready. If she is still being annoying about it just talk to nurse before hand and they won't let her in.

cwm11985 · December 2013

Let the hospital staff know that no one is allowed to come back and your problem will be solved.

BeckyF82 · December 2013

I know nurses are lovely and I'm sure if I tell them they will keep both mums out. It just irks me that they will probably turn up anyway, way earlier than is necessary and then I will know they are waiting out there which I think is going to a real guilt trip and will make me feel under pressure if things don't progress quickly. My MIL will probably be ok about it in the end but my mum is VERY passive aggressive and will act all pissed off and make me feel dead guilty when it's supposed to be about me, OH and baby rather than her. She'll turn it into some big drama about her.

RedDawnsRevenge · December 2013

Tell the nurses specifically that she is not welcome in the delivery room. Also that you do not want any other visitors in the delivery room. Simple as that. You've tried being nice but she doesn't get it. Sorry

ksulli · December 2013

While I agree with the whole 'set the rules, get the nurses involves, etc' it seems you're still worried. If she shows up, have someone give her a report that you're not progressing quickly and it's expected to be another day or so (not unheard of), and that you're trying to get some rest, that you'll keep her posted when there is something to share.

DemoDoll · December 2013

cwm11985 said:
Let the hospital staff know that no one is allowed to come back and your problem will be solved.

I forgot about that. It helps that the nurses kick everyone out when they do cervical checks. I often used that time to tell the nurse that I'm going to rest and not let anyone back in until DH goes to get them. That worked, I actually did it several times. We had his own family and my whole family in the room while I labored and we would have kicked them out when it was time to push but I ended up with a c-section.

LEIGHLOVE09 · December 2013

I think from the sounds of it you best to just call everyone after baby arrives. If anyone is mad, they'll get over it. You can also make excuses saying that went the time came you obv had other things on your mind than calling anyone.

MapleLeafMama · December 2013

Last time we didn't call anyone until after the baby arrived. Last thing I need is people lurking in the hallways, let alone the actual labour room. The only person (people) who will know this time is my parents because they'll be called to come watch DS.

Let the nurses know for sure what your wishes are.

Rrrrrachel · December 2013

Yeah I would wait to call people, too, in your situation.

beautifulstr13 · December 2013

When I was pregnant with DS my mil thought she was going to be involved as well. She just assumed since my mom was dead she would take her place. I don't think I would have wanted my mom in there in the first place. I ended up with a c-section so it wasn't an issue. My in laws did end up coming to the hospital everyday and staying all day. Just sitting there watching me during breast feeding. I felt like I had to entertain them the whole time. I was in for 5 days and It was awful.
I would be very firm and make sure your DH is saying the same. My DH often gives in to his parents because he wants to avoid conflict.

BeckyF82 · December 2013

Thanks yeah I'm in the UK but I know hospitals here are supposedly very good about who can come in and who can't if you tell them etc. My mum used to be a nurse and has in the past totally abused her position to find out confidential medical information about me because she felt it was her "right as my mother".. Yeah told you she was crazy. She rang contacts she had at a hospital and got them to give out private info about a scan I'd had a few years ago without telling me and then used a computer system at her work to look up the results of blood tests I'd had done before I'd even been given the results! She genuinly couldnt even see that what she'd done was wrong as she said she saw it as a right to know despite the fact that I was about 24 at the time! She used it as an opportunity to turn on me and have a go at me saying if i didnt want her to know the information i obviously had to hide! Luckily she is retired now because of her disability but I wouldn't put it past her to try to get medical info about the labour from the reception staff and midwives etc. she's very sneaky. That's what makes me nervous when my MIL says she is "medical" because it reminds me if what my mum did and makes me think she might do the same and try and use her position and background to get information (although in reality she's a lot saner than my mum!)

Think I will take everyone's advice, not tell anyone I'm in labour for ages and then when we do tell them and they arrive give the nurses very strict instructions about not letting anyone in until we are ready.

snmetz7 · December 2013

@celticlullaby I'm in the states and when my step mother gave birth about 3 years ago it wasn't that strict at all. No one even tried to stop me from going right to her room. The only bracelet monitors they had were to match up baby to mom. Course this was I. Recovery not in labor and delivery. However, it may differ from hospital to hospital.

pete0121 · December 2013

I also only want DH in the room and that's how my first two births were. We got into this situation with just the two of us, we will get out way out of it just the two of us :-)

I also, didn't really want anyone waiting in the waiting area with either kid. My parents were totally cool with this situation. It can take forever for baby to actually arrive, they didn't feel the need to be sitting there waiting. And my son was the first grandchild both sides. With him, MIL and FIL both showed up (and they were divorced so its not even like they came together). DH was able to keep them out while I labored and he was born, but, before MIL showed up, we let FIL come in to get a picture (which I wasn't happy with but went along with it). Then MIL showed up and so she had to be let in too for fairness issues. Then they took the baby and DH away to get bathed and checked over and inlaws left. A nurse came in to cath me so I could pee so I'm all spread eagle with a tube coming out of my urethra and in walks MIL. Let's just say nurse and I flipped at the same time.

When my DD was born, MIL had passed away, we made sure FIL knew that we wanted DS to be the first to meet her. My parents had him (and will have both kids this time), so they brought him and stayed in the waiting room while DH brought DS back to meet his sister. We spent some time together as a family and then my parents and grandma came back. Its how I think this time will go to. Also, with DD, it wasn't until the next morning *gasp* every one had to wait. She was born at almost 6 pm, by the time I was moved to post partum and she was done with some of the other stuff it was too late for DS to come.

Good luck with your MIL. They can be persistent because for some reason, grandparents sometimes think they are entitled. These are your moments and memories now. Stay strong and as that DH does too. No matter what, it will be such an amazing and exciting day for all of you and in 5 months this will seem like a silly argument.

MadBloom · December 2013

My MIL has been really good about this. She said that she would love to be at the hospital but not in the room until afterwards because I've already stated that my mother will be in the room with me and MIL doesn't want to intrude. She has 5 grand kids already with her 2 daughters and this is my moms first grand baby so she understands that this is a special moment for my parents. My husband is a big wuss and faints when it comes to needles and blood, otherwise I'd just have him there. Haha. We've joked that we are going to put a helmet on the poor guy. My mom will be much more helpful during labour then DH! I've also told the ILs that under no circumstances are my SILs or nieces and nephews permitted to coming to the hospital. The kids are not capable of behaving or staying calm on a regular day. I do not need that gongshow at my baby's birth..... His sisters drive me nuts too so they can wait to see the baby until afterwards.

Mrssnelling · December 2013

I feel the same- only want my husband in the delivery room before and during. I don't need an audience when I'm having contractions and waiting it out. I agree with most, I will have my husband call out parents when the baby is ready to come. I also don't want ALL DAY visitors at the hospital. That's a time for you to bond and if you are a FTM you will need to spend that time learning from the nurses etc. The best thing to keep in mind is that it's YOUR decision and you shouldn't feel a tad bit guilty about it

No you cannot be in the delivery room!

Re: No you cannot be in the delivery room!

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