Using my FIL's name- Jealous SIL's?

111emd · December 2013

So on Christmas my Dh and I told his family that we were pregnant and everyone seemed really thrilled. However when we told them our top pick for a boys name was their fathers name and I noticed a slight twinge in my SIL's face. I felt awful because I guess it never really occurred to me to ask them first. Am I being sensitive or do you think it's possible that they might have wanted to name a future child after their father. I love the name we chose (Brian Harrison) but I don't "need" to have it (Michael Harrison was a close second).

I am wondering if I should go back and ask them how they feel about it?

MJC1116 · December 2013

The way I see it is your H shares the same father, so it's perfectly acceptable to name your son after H's dad. It doesn't really make a difference, but is he the oldest? If his sister is older, I may ask her about how she's feeling, but it wouldn't necessarily be an end all be all if she was unhappy. Ultimately it's whatever you and your H decide. But talking about it could help a bit.

macska3 · December 2013

It's fair, because it's your DH's father! His sister is no more his daughter than your dh is his son!

Use it--it's a great name.

Sam Buttons · December 2013

nadchael said:
It's fair, because it's your DH's father! His sister is no more his daughter than your dh is his son!

Use it--it's a great name.

This. Plus if you didnt use it because she wanted to, your SIL could be blessed with all girls and then the name would never get used. She can't expect you and H to save a name for a possible future baby that may not even get to use it.

111emd · December 2013

@mjc1116 and @nadchael Technically this is his step father...however we have zero relationship with his bio dad and his stepfather raised him since he was 8 years old. My husband is the oldest, but not the oldest of his bio kids. So that's the tricky part. I do really love the name (a little more after hearing other people like it too). I think I will ask his sisters and get a feel for what they think.

macska3 · December 2013

@mjc1116 and @nadchael Technically this is his step father...however we have zero relationship with his bio dad and his stepfather raised him since he was 8 years old. My husband is the oldest, but not the oldest of his bio kids. So that's the tricky part. I do really love the name (a little more after hearing other people like it too). I think I will ask his sisters and get a feel for what they think.

Ask them, but the man still raised your DH.

SidraJedi · December 2013

In my first step dad's family all the first born sons are named after the Patriarch. It shouldn't be an issue for cousins to share a name that honors their grandfather or grandmother.

111emd · December 2013

SidraJedi said:

In my first step dad's family all the first born sons are named after the Patriarch. It shouldn't be an issue for cousins to share a name that honors their grandfather or grandmother.

Love this!!

111emd · December 2013

Happy_Yahoo_Personaler said:

No one owns a name. If you and your DH want to use the name, do so. The man IS your DH's father, genes be damned. And what if your SIL never has a boy? Should you pass up on a name that you love when it may never be used by her?

I say, if the name is what you want, use it.

That is a REALLY good point. And who knows how long it will actually be before one of them starts pro-creating.

MJC1116 · December 2013

My sister used my dad's name for her son. She got pregnant right after my dad died. She was his stepdaughter, but like you said, raised her. She considered him her father. I am his only biological child. I wasn't upset for reasons others lister above. A the time, I was only 18. She came to talk to me about it and asked me how I felt but ultimately the name was decided. My mom always said we could all name our kids after my dad and what a great tribute that would be!

if you love the name, go for it.

111emd · December 2013

MJC1116 said:

My sister used my dad's name for her son. She got pregnant right after my dad died. She was his stepdaughter, but like you said, raised her. She considered him her father. I am his only biological child. I wasn't upset for reasons others lister above. A the time, I was only 18. She came to talk to me about it and asked me how I felt but ultimately the name was decided. My mom always said we could all name our kids after my dad and what a great tribute that would be! if you love the name, go for it.

Aw, I like this story. And I especially like that she came to you and asked, even though you were so young. I think out of respect for my SIL's I will ask them. I feel like a tool already for not considering it before hand.

I do really love the name, but my husbands name is Michael, so Michael Harrison was a close second. If their hearts are set on it, I will probably concede.

BeckyOff · December 2013

Guess I'm in the minority here. But do you love the name enough to live with a SIL who may be upset about it for however long she can hold a grudge?

I know a girl who named her kid practically the exact same thing as her SIL's kid. General consensus among my group of friends is that it was an a**hole thing to do. The SIL has said that it pretty much says to her that the girl does not want to ever be friendly or hang out together.

girlmama83 · December 2013

Why should they get the name over you?

BulgariHeart · December 2013

I would have the same feelings you're having, for a few days, but ultimately wouldn't ask or involve the SIL in my and my H's decision on what to name our child. I don't see why you should pass on THE name for the benefit of another boy who might never exist.

cafecreme · December 2013

I would use it. Your having the baby first, you get to pick whatever name you want.

lilies&orchids · December 2013

Even with the step situation, I don't see why SILs would have more of a "right" to the name over your DH. I'm sure that FIL is thrilled that you and DH want to honor him. Like PP said, he can be honored by many and SIL can still use the name in one form or another. We used FILs middle name for DS2 mn (we used my dad's for DS1) and did not consult SIL. A sister should be proud that her dad is being honored, not resentful or jealous (and thankfully my SIL was happy about our choice!). Maybe something else made her twinge... Is she trying to have a baby? Far from it? Or maybe she doesn't like naming after others

I hope it all goes over smoothly if you talk to her.

FrecklesInside · December 2013

You are pregnant, she is not. Use the name you and H like. If she wants to use it so badly, she still can use it whenever she has a baby boy.

diamondduck13 · December 2013

My two bros used up all the male names in the family I would have like to use with their two sons. The consequence of being late to the table. But I may never have a son anyway, and I'd rather them used by someone than no one.

BUT there are some things that aren't worth living with - one of those being a PO'd SIL. If she's upset, she's the immature one - for one, she may never have a son and then the name would never get used! - but if she is really upset at the thought it may just not be worth the consequences of future awkward family gatherings.

But that only applies if she is upset. PP made a great comment that the face twinge could have been anything. Or may have been a fleeting feeling of disappointment that she's already over. Just talk to her. You'll feel better afterward, regardless of whether you go forward with using the name, which I hope you can do

ETA typo

Disneygeek77 · December 2013

It's fine. If they want to use it too, they can.

In my husband's family, his grandmother's name is Joy and I swear there must be five girls with that as a first / middle name.

111emd · December 2013

Thank ladies, you all made some excellent points. To clarify, no, we do not even know yet what we're having. At dinner my Dh's grandmother asked us if we had any names picked out yet. We told them our top choices for boy/girl names and I simply noticed my SIL kind of twitch a little at the boy name. She is really hard to read, so it's totally likely that I am being silly/sensitive and she doesn't care at all. BUT to be on the safe side I think I will ask her. As some of you mentioned it can't really hurt and I am not settled on that name over the Michael Harrison name.

I appreciate all the feedback!

MrsCase1 · December 2013

There is no such thing as "dibs" on a name. If she had a kid first, she could use it. Otherwise, I agree your husband is within his rights to use his own dad's name.

susieandmarty · December 2013

My sister had son and used my late fathers name as a middle and his whole Hebrew name. I remember being a bit annoyed but 1) I was single at the time (8 years ago) and 2) I adore my nephew and I am happy he shares names with my dad

Turns out I'm expecting baby girl number 2 and we don't plan on another - I found my own way to honor my father with my daughters name, as did my brother with his daughter. If I had raised an issue it just would have created awkwardness and if she had not used it it would not be used - not gonna name my dd Robert.

Don't worry too much about it. It is not worth the time.

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