And the anger has begun

lizziepny · November 2013

I guess I'm going through the stages of grief. My m/c happened 2 days ago, at 1 day shy of 7 weeks. That day was mostly shock and sadness, yesterday sadness, and today the anger has hit me full force. I'm angry that I got pregnant with my first IUI and that it ended in miscarriage. I'm angry that I read so many sites that explained how spotting was normal and not to worry because statistically speaking, there wasn't a huge chance it would happen to me (well, that's comforting. Now I feel even crappier that it did). I'm angry because now I have to wait to start all over, and I will be even more scared the next time. I'm angry because I just knew something was wrong all along and I was right. And I'm angry because while trying to push those feelings of something is wrong away, I still tried to enjoy my pregnancy, which means I signed up for apps and newsletters galore, and no matter how many I think I've deleted, there's always some new reminder of how far along I am and how exciting it should be for me. Well, I'm not pregnant anymore, so leave me alone! I'm also angry at the other pregnant people complaining of their morning sickness. I longed for nothing more than to get it, and it never came --which I knew meant the worst. I would have taken vomiting all day over the loss of my baby. Sorry for the rant, just had to get it out of me. I'm facing my feelings full force because I need to.

alm288 · November 2013

I'm very sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to heal emotionally. For most people, we don't heal in a few days, but over time it does get easier. There will be good days and bad days. I know how you feel. I had days I was really angry and days I was really sad. I am going to be scared to death the second time around. I was already nervous with the first pregnancy. We will all make it through it - somehow. Use the wonderful women around here for support and comfort. *big hugs*

masterofallcheese · November 2013

i am so very sorry for your loss. i have felt and still feel anger at many of the things you mention. i am about 4 weeks post a loss at 7-8 weeks and i assure you a lot of the anger will subside when the hormones do. however, i still find myself more irritable than i used to be and with the need to exercise and take out my frustrations. i dont think you should be angry about being angry. just make sure you have a healthy outlet for those feelings, one of which can be this board. i wish you the best. it is a tough journey but we are here for you

Glow360 · November 2013

I am angry too, I am the same. I am Angry I got my hopes up and angry I am disappointed and everything around me reminds me of the pregnancy-I am angry that my miscarriage has been going on for days....I have a list of things that irritate me. It is good you are venting and getting it out. I had to do the same. Sorry you are having to deal with this....it's horrible beyond words

lindahwa · November 2013

I am so sorry for you loss. I got the angry stage too...even 4 weeks from now, it came from time to time. It does get better though...the pain has become a lot less. the first 2 weeks were so rough for me as the hormone was still inside the body too.

Be sure to give your loved ones plenty of warning, as sometimes, we might end up lashing out at them because of our grief. Hang in there...

Lindsey7348 · November 2013

I am so sorry for your loss. I know the feelings all too well. I was overwhelmed with sadness with my first loss.
What made me angry was when I would get formula in the mail around my due date and fliers to use certain companies for baby announcements, then one from a med spa for 25% off all servies for a new mommy makeover. This also happened to be the time frame that I would experience my second loss. Impeccable timing huh? The anger hit hard. Its so normal to feel that way. You are not alone.

Glow360 · November 2013

Lidsey that is horrible- I haven't gotten anything in the mail, but wow....what a punch in the face. That must have been really horrible-how did you get through it or are getting through it? How are any of you getting through this when baby stuff is everywhere????

Lindsey7348 · November 2013

Yes it is awful. And I like to think I am a tough cookie, but man, nothing prepares you for that. I would get random email updates too, like, "Congrats, you made it to the third trimester" and I would be like um nope, I didn't. Even though I thought I had extensively deleted everything imaginable and checked the box for unsubscibe all.

I suppose the other stuff comes when you go to the Ob/Gyn? Not sure how some companies 'knew' I was pregnant.

This second time, I hadn't been too far along (about 6 wks) and I made it a point not to sign up for anything, get apps, etc. I was under the care of my RE so I didnt even have to go to my OB/gyn yet.

And the first time, how did I get through. Well I did therapy. I cried alot. I got angry alot. And then the feelings started to slowly subside. I was hopeful when I decided to start trying again. I of course got sad around my due date, and the fact it was near my bday, and the fact that I lost another one 3 days before all of this, but this time I felt more prepared, if that makes sense. It is still hard, but honestly, talking to people in your same shoes helps tremendously. Knowing you are not alone and hearing others stories and positive vibes helps. I just try to keep hope alive.

One thing a friend said to me who has also experienced 2 losses is "I don't NEED a baby. I wish and hope and long for one desperately, but I love my husband, my marriage, my job and my life." I thought that was powerful. Don't know if I necessarily agree with her but it makes me feel like I can get through this too.

Glow360 · November 2013

Wow, what an amazing testimony, glad you shared that....I think you are a pretty tough cookie!!

Lindsey7348 · November 2013

Aw thank you. Some days I feel that way others not so much. We all have those days lol. I just gotta keep swimming!

babyknutson · November 2013

Thank you for this post!! YOU are such a brave woman! It takes so much courage to say what you are feeling. (in this case what so many others are feeling as well) I cried like a baby when I read this post along with agreeing with every single reason you are angry! May God bless you with another child when you are ready! thanks again!!

aliciapaige82 · November 2013

Thank you for your post too, all I feel is grief, loss, and anger now as well. Sometimes I don't even know what to tell myself, or my husband. He's feeling everything that I'm feeling too. I am waiting for it to pass through me, which would be right around thanksgiving, no fun.

At the time I was pregnant with my younger sister, and my sister in law..at the same time..we were going through this journey together. Now I feel alone, left out. And not to sound like a bitch, but I don't really care to ask how they are feeling now. Less than a week ago I was excited with joy, and for the holidays, it made it that more special...now I feel nothing but grief and anger, and not in any holiday spirit. And I can't just put on a happy face for other people just to make them feel ok. I just found my first pregnancy test that I saved to show my parents when we found out, and I couldn't throw it away, I just start crying and hold it like it's the only proof I had of being pregnant. I have all of these little reminders in my house that I was pregnant, and it devastates me. I keep telling myself, I will get pregnant again,...but I don't want to wait, all I want is fast forward 3 months so I can start trying again...and even with that. I'm terrified of trying again, and i don't want to go through this again either. As sad as this is to say, I speak to my sister everyday, who is 10 weeks now, and will my seeing my sister in law over the holidays, soon enough. I don't know how I can pretend to be happy for them now, when all I feel is my loss. I don't know how I'm going to handle it when they talk about their morning sickness and how rough it is for them. My husbands brother and sister in law want to visit me this weekend to keep us company, to be there for us...which is sweet, but I don't think I can handle it right now because this is all so fresh. I can't bare to be around other pregnant people now, because I feel I might lose it. It's like a bad dream, and I wake up every morning now, and think it didn't really happen...but it did. I'm so sorry for your loss sweetie. I understand, and feel your grief and anger. Thank you for being so honest, because this is exactly how I feel, but I can't really tell the people closest to me without looking like I'm the bitch. But we understand here.

Danielle0311 · November 2013

I am so sorry for your loss. Anger is totally Normal, I get hit with waves of anger myself

I have so many reminders around me everyday. My god son keeps asking me when my baby is coming and doesn't understand that it's not, I have tons of pregnant family members And coworkes. It's so hard to go through this and I am so sorry you have to ... Stay strong and once again I am so sorry for your loss

HollynLeana · November 2013

I'm right here with you. Its agony

Ashley144u · November 2013

So sorry for your loss! Thoughts and prayers!

kikimeemee · December 2013

Thank you for sharing as I am very angry too. And I can't say I have ever read that women are angry after miscarriage; just sad. I'm glad I'm not alone. I tell my husband at the moment, "I'm angry right now. I have nothing and no one to be angry at, but I just AM." And I can't stand being asked, "When are you and your husband having a baby?" And at the last two parties we hosted, my husband's friend's wife told me, "I keep expecting an announcement at the parties you host!" Lay off, girl. I would love to announce I am having a baby but I had a MC so LEAVE ME ALONE. Of course she has no idea what is going on, but WHY don't people understand how inappropriate it is to ask about pregnancy?! I will make a vow right here to never ask a person about their personal family plans unless they say they'd like to discuss it. Would you believe that a couple months before husband and I even TTC, we went to a party where one of his male friends asked as we walked in the room, "What's the matter, (Name), are your swimmers broken?!" You know what, pal, at least my husband and I are both college educated, and have careers and don't have to have our parents pay our mortgage like you. The strangest people are allowed to be parents sometimes, I swear...

Anyway, husband's friends are in their mid/late thirties and I was still in my 20s at the time of that comment. I can't stand his friends right now. All of them have babies and for some reason feel completely comfortable talking about conceiving. It creeps me out... Do parents have a switch that slips once you have a baby where it becomes acceptable to speak about conceiving so impersonally?!

tumbleweed123 · December 2013

lizziepny I'm right there with you. I'm going thru all of those feelings too. I go from sad to numb to angry to sad again...I totally understand. I'm so sorry for your loss, please know that you are not alone. The reminders are everywhere...and it is so painful and not fair. I got pg on my wedding night, and now i cannot look at my wedding pictures without feeling gut wrenching sadness. I'm sending you T&Ps.

kikimeemee · December 2013

tumbleweed123 said:

I got pg on my wedding night, and now i cannot look at my wedding pictures without feeling gut wrenching sadness. I'm sending you T&Ps.

I am just taken aback by the stories on here. The things women go through in silence; oh, my... @tumbleweed123 - I am heartbroken that you cannot look at your wedding photos at the moment, though I can understand why you'd feel that way. It's just crushingly sad to read things over and over. Thank you for sharing and I'll be thinking of you...

tumbleweed123 · December 2013

@kikimeemee the support on here means so much to me. Thank you for being so supportive and kind

the support of those who have also gone though it means the world.

francisc · December 2013

I'm so sorry for your loss. Go ahead and rant, we all have to be able to express how we are feeling during this difficult time. Hugs!

BkBaby118 · December 2013

I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I'm going through my 2nd miscarriage right now (1st one was in early September), and even though I tried to keep myself from getting excited during this pregnancy, it doesn't change the way I feel now.

kikimeemee · December 2013

'Happy' to be able to provide support, even though the saddest of things, @tumbleweed123!

missgore04 · January 2014

@kikimeemee I was just reading your post about everyone asking when you were having a baby. All of our friends know how badly we want a baby and it's just a constant reminder to me. I have found myself being blunt and saying well we have been trying, with no luck ...and now I've even started telling people about the MC. It's not all daises and roses for everyone, people! They need to know.

tumbleweed123 · January 2014

@missgore04 Yes! I think that it makes a lot of sense to be blunt when people ask you about your plans. I've told so few about my MC, because I don't want to upset anyone or cause anyone to feel bad for us, but really, if someone asks, then I think it is fair to be honest. Keeping the pain of a secret inside just hurts the person holding it in...perhaps telling the truth will allow that friend to share your pain and provide support. I like what your wrote above. xx

flgrl521 · January 2014

I agree with so many things you ladies have said in this thread. I just experienced my third miscarriage in the past year and to be honest I was too numb to cry. Then a day later the tears came with the crushing feeling of utter defeat. Then anger. It was so odd. I kid you not I wanted to literally punch my own ovaries for failing me again?! (last miscarriage was a trisomy so naturally I blame myself). It's so hard to go through this over and over. This time was particularly hard because my sister is also pregnant with her third child and we were three weeks a part. She didn't know I was pregnant because I didn't want to jinx myself... but all throughout the holidays I got to hear about how excited she was and how they were waiting to find out the gender etc. Thank you for sharing your feelings.. I'm right there with you! Hugs.

this+gamer+chick · January 2014

I'm sorry for your loss. I feel you, too. These advertising agencies don't give two shits about anyone or anything other than making money. With as much data mining that goes on, they don't consider taking into consideration when someone has had a miscarriage; they just keep the ads coming. I'm also sick of people asking how I am. How the fuck do you think I am?? And I don't tell anyone I'm "good" anymore when they ask. I'm not "good" or "ok" or whatever the polite answer is. I would give a fuck, but I'm all out of fucks to give about anything. Oh and to the couple next to me with the baby waiting in the OB's office (my surgery follow-up), SHUT UP. Stop mimicking your baby and going "ma-ma-ma-ma-ma" and saying "mommy loves you", and complaining about your copays. People are so fucking oblivious to everyone around them. Yup, I feel the anger too.

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