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Success after IF
yikes. something is happening to me.
it's kind of hard to explain. no flames please.
just recently I have become so full of fear. it's completely made up in my head and totally irrational. it's almost paralyzing at times.
like right now. my friend and I were supposed to go get pictures taken with santa. she had to go into the city at the last minute so ginny and I are forced to go alone. the idea of driving on route 95 terrifies me! I don't want to go now!
and I'm so afraid that I'm going to get sick. we have soooo much cancer in my family and I really feel like it's my turn. the thought of "leaving" ginny makes me sick to my stomach. again, overwhelmed by these crazy thoughts! they keep me up at night. I cannot help it.
intellectually I know this is wrong. very wrong. but I think deep down I'm afraid to be happy and at peace. IF was so draining and I got so used to being sad. it was just who I was. now I have the most amazing little girl in the world and this terrifies me. honestly, it's so much easier to be unhappy and expect the worst.
sorry. I just had to say this "out loud." maybe I'm just overtired. I haven't seen DH for days! it's hard being a single parent.
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Re: yikes. something is happening to me.
You are definitely not alone, but if it's making you anxious or preventing you from doing things, I think it is a good idea to talk to a counselor. DH went out of town to visit his family when I was maybe 4months along and I totally panicked and would call him in tears leading up to the trip. All I could see in my head was his plane crashing and him never getting to meet his son and me raising the baby all by myself. Lately, my biggest fear is something happening to me in child birth and my baby not having his mommy. I completely get where you're coming from.
You're not alone. There's not a day that goes by that I don't fear something horrible will happen. I think for the most part I don't let it control my life but I also think that I'm not meant to be happy. I can't "settle" into happiness because I feel that once I am something important will be taken away from me. I had these feelings before IF (I had a sh!tty childhood) and they continue.
I look at my kids and I can't believe how lucky I am and that freightens me.
If it came on suddenly, I wonder if it could be a form of PDD? I say that because anxiety and depression are really interrelated.. so much so that they give the same meds to treat both.
I hope you can figure out what it is and feel better
you are not alone. i think talking with a counselor is a good idea. that being said, i haven't done so since before I got pregnant and i need to. i worry about car accidents. i'm a HORRIBLE passenger seat rider. i worry about cancer. i worry that my worrying will cause me to get cancer. i worry about death and what will happen to me. no one knows what really happens to us, regardless of your faith. try your hardest not to let it paralize you. i try to make it a game of sorts at times and challenge myself to take a risk that scares me to death, such as the zipline on our last vacation.
take it easy, know you are not alone and that is good that you are aware of your thoughts and that they are not okay with you.
-----Lisa-----
I agree with JeffsWife and LisaMarisa - it could be PPD. It can happen any time up to a year or more after birth, it doesn't just happen within the first few months. I have a good friend who had this type of PPD happen when her 2nd child was about 6 months old. She was really paralyzed by her fears and it took her a long time to get help because she didn't associate it with PPD - she thought it was just anxiety, etc. She's on Zoloft now and doing much better.
Definitely talk to your Dr. and see about a referral to a therapist who specializes in PPD. It may not be that, but talking to someone is a good idea either way.
I struggle with lots of anxiety and fear that something will happen to me or DD or DH. I attribute it to the trauma of IF - I was so conditioned to bad news month after month for 3 years, that now after finally having everything I ever wanted, I am sometimes waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think honestly, after all we went through it is fairly normal. That being said though, I made a promise to myself that if these fears ever interfere with my life and my willingness to go out and do things I normally do, i am going to get help.
A cautionary tale - My mom had severe anxiety start right after my brother was born 33 years ago, and she was never properly diagnosed or treated. it progressed into full blown anxiety disorder and agoraphobia and has changed her life entirely - and not for the better. She went years where she couldn't even leave the house, and missed out on a lot of stuff with us. Thank God my dad is a good guy and stuck it out with her. She is honestly much better now, but she still can't travel any distance and has lots of irrational fears. The funny thing is before my brother was born she was known as this total free spirit and very adventurous (much more than me!) so I am sorry I never really got to see that side of her.
I hope you will take good care of yourself and don't hesitate to seek help if you feel like the anxiety and fears are starting to interfere with your life and your relationship with your daughter.