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3rd Trimester
Jessimurph
member
Worried about my relationship with DH if I become a SAHM
Jessimurph
member
He's always been in charge of our finances. He tends to be more frugal then me which isn't bad, just different way of looking at money which can cause problems sometimes. Although he seems supportive about me SAH now, he's made comments in the past that I should continue to work even though 90% of my income would go to daycare. He's also cleaner then me and likes the house picture perfect. I think his standards can be unrealistically high and I don't want to be resented or picked at for money, chores, ect.
It's starting to stress me out even though there's nothing I can do about it now except let him know how important I think being a stay at home mom is and talk about being worried about certain things when he goes back to work.
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Re: Worried about my relationship with DH if I become a SAHM
I think this is exactly what you should do. Get your feelings out in the open as soon as possible! I'm sure he will understand how you are feeling.
When I was getting to the end of my previous pregnancies I would find something to stress about ( I think so I didn't stress about the birth) just remember when you are stressing that you are going through a lot of changes right now.
Of corse you will not work if 90% goes to daycare. You can also work out ahead of time a budget with your finances that way it is agreed upon ahead of time. That makes sense too. And with the cleaning - just becuase you are a SAHM doesn't mean you have to do everything. If your husband likes picture perfect then he can make it picture perfect. Don't try to be the perfect SAHM that takes on everything. It just doesn't work that way. Me and my husband take what needs to be done and figures out what makes sense on how to do it. It is survival. You'll be fine but I understand stressing about it.
I agree with you 100% and it's important that you tell him now how you are feeling. You don't want his expectations to be high and then the reality of your situation to be dissapointing.
It's also important that he realize that you are a SAHM, not a maid. Your job is to make sure your baby is happy, safe and healthy. If that means that you don't vacuum every day, then so be it.
I SAH for 10 months w/Isabella and while I had a list of things I wanted to get done every day (cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands), there was rarely a day it was all accomplished, but that is life. You never know what kind of a day you or the baby will have -- you can just hope for the best!
Communication is key -- you don't want to resent him or have him resent you -- so be sure to always have open communication.
I'm with the above pp's... Talking to him as well as coming to an understanding about what constitutes a clean house will make it easier... It does sound like you are communicating, though... Lucky you, having an option to be a SAHM!
I have been a SAH wife since Sept. 07, and I pretty much do everything in our marriage except go to work...until I got pregnant and being on and off bed rest affected my ability to do as much. ?
My husband has never been happier. ?The house is always clean, dinner is always cooked and ready for him when he gets home, his dry cleaning is always taken care of, laundry done, and all the bills are paid on time. ?It makes our weekends totally open to do whatever we want to do whereas in the past, we would spent most of the time catching up on stuff we didn't get to during the week and never truly had any "free time".
Once your husband experiences the joys of having a SAH wife, believe me, he will get over your differences in keeping things clean, etc. ?Plus, in the future, he will appreciate that your children have been brought up by their own mother and not a day care center or a nanny. ?If you can swing it financially, then to me it is a no brainer! ?Staying at home ROCKS!?
I have a lot of the same fears you expressed in becoming a SAHM and with my DH-
First, I think it's great you acknowlege it-- and you are willing to talk to him about it. I think that being open and honest with him is the best start. My DH can very particular, but once I am a SAHM, I plan on letting him know I am not the cleaning lady-- while I do plan on maintaing our home, child, finances--- I am not a robot, and there are days that certain chores will not be done.
I've been SAH for about two years now and I just found out last month that DH's idea of a clean and peaceful house is a bed that's been made. He doesn't notice much else as long as the bed's made and dishes aren't piled to the ceiling. Definitely get your DH's list of "what clean means" to him and tell him that there are going to be days where the list is still half un-done.
A lot of women find it helpful to take a weekend away when baby is about 3 months old and leave it all with daddy. It's a HUGE wake up call when they realize how hard it is to get anything done when baby is taking up so much time. DH realizes that Lucy is a BIG chore and he doesn't expect things to be perfect. He likes to come home to a smiling wife, a happy Lucy and a made bed. Easy enough, most days! I've found that he'd rather I forgo my to-do list and make it through the day without throttling anyone than clean the house and be a giant emotional mess when he walks through the door.
Being a SAH parent is something that both parents need to agree on. I think if your husband feels pressured into agreeing to you staying at home, he will resent you and possibly take it out on you by 'picking' on your skills as a stay at home parent.
Income is not the only reason to work. I'd weigh all of the pros and cons together (financial, emotional, career, etc.) so that you can both come to an agreement.
If you agree that staying at home is the best solution, then you also need to agree on what it means to stay at home and work within those guidelines, just like any other job.
Good luck!
I am in a very similar situation. DH and I are working out a budget for me and the baby while we are at home and deciding what that budget is going to include.
Rachel and Jeff Married 5.29.05
Jason is 8
Elizabeth is 6
Katherine is 18 months
My dh sounds a lot like your dh. We are both attorneys and when I chose to stay home with dd after she was born for 10 mos, it was a hard adjustment not having the certain lifestyle we were accustomed to. However, we also realized that since we had a newborn, we didn't spend as much money as we did before she was born. We barely ever ate out (I always cooked). We didn't go out as much in general, at least to bars and such. Plus, you may get lucky and have a really good baby. It is easier to get things done when they are really small. Once they are mobile, it is much harder to keep the perfect home.
My dh really liked having his weekends open because I did everything during the week. He came home to a hot meal, the place looked clean all the time, and he didn't have to do any chores except taking out the garbage and paying the bills.
Now that I work from home, I think he kinda misses those days because he actually has to help out more around the house. We have a nanny and the only thing he has to do it clean the litterbox, take down the garbage, and clean his own bathroom. He does the first two, but never cleans his bathroom. It's like he's still living in SAHM mode.