Miscarriage after IVF - struggling

pblge · December 2013

Hi Folks,

This is my first post here. I've been on a different forum, but I can't bear to go back to it right now, as pretty much all of my forum buddies are preggers. We have been TTC for almost two years. I got pregnant quickly, but it was an ectopic, and actually did a lot of damage to one of my tubes. Then we had 15 months of NOTHING. Tried Femara, tried injectables, and all failed, sometimes spectacularly. I also got diagnosed with endo, which was removed. OH is perfect. We're 36 and 40, so time is definitely an issue.

We did our first IVF in Oct/Nov, and it worked, barely. Nothing to freeze, but they transferred two three day embies. One took, and we saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks. Elation! But then the scan at 8 weeks showed no growth and no heartbeat, and we had a D&C a week ago.

We feel about how you'd imagine, except that I feel so ANGRY at the world, my body, and the universe. I want to unfriend anyone I know with children. I never want to talk to a pregnant woman again. If anyone asks if we're thinking of having kids (regular occurrence) I think I might actually punch them. I don't have the capacity to pretend to be happy for anyone who is pregnant. In the next few weeks I'm seeing lots of friends with new babies, and I really don't think I can bear to even talk to them.

Has anyone been here? Does it get better? Does anyone have advice to help us through this?

FishyMom · December 2013

****gives tight hug**** I want to start off by saying I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel, it is completely normal. Welcome to the board, you will find a ton of support from the wonderful women on this board. I also had a mc after my first IVF took and I lost him at 6 weeks. I deleted my account on Facebook because I just could not take the kids and family togetherness that was displayed, this helped me a lot! It is hard to see the pregnant people out, but I try and get away on those really tough days.

You may also want to check out the TTC after a loss when you are ready, the women over there are great also and they have all been to the same hell and back that you have. There is a IF check-in on that board and I am sure they will welcome you with open arms too.

Right after my loss I hung out for a bit on the miscarriage/pregnancy loss board for support on now to deal, but eventually came back to this board and the TTCAL board.

Again I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, and will include you in my t&p's to heal fast. I am happy to chat if you need anything or someone just to vent to.

zazu13 · December 2013

** Pregnant after IF response **

I want to offer you a huge hug, too. I remember the exact feelings you are describing. To answer your question, I have been there and it does get better. I ended up benefitting from counseling for a time and DH and I took several breaks over the course of our journey to travel, reconnect and focus on other goals. We also kept an open mind and sought multiple options to build our family like fostering, adopting and ultimately consulting with several RE's about various treatment options since we felt our first RE was taking the "cookie cutter" approach with us. When we were financially and emotionally ready to cycle again we went with a new office for a fresh start and I was in a much better place.

I'm so very sorry for what you have been through and especially for your miscarriage. Be kind to yourself. Distance yourself from your friends if you need to. If you can, be honest with them about why, but don't expect them to really understand. I hope your heart heals with time and that your miracle is just around the corner.

mmhopeful · December 2013

Offering thoughts, prayers, and a hope for a more peaceful beginning to your new year. I have had an ectopic pregnancy through a failed IVF cycle and can not even begin to add a miscarriage into those feelings as you have experienced. It is awful....just being able to say that matters. Be gentle with yourself and yes, you have every right to feel the way you do. No real advice here, but to welcome you and tell you it does get better, and having a new plan in place in a while will help you. Take all the time you need....remember, your heart is broken as well as your body in turmoil.

hugs....

Twinkie0612 · December 2013

((Hugs)) I experienced a chemical pregnancy after IVF #3 in October and for me it has gotten better. I still have good days and bad days, but the good are outnumbering the bad right now.

I think a few things have helped me move on. First, I took time to recognize my loss. Some people would feel like my loss wasn't a real loss because it was so early (4 weeks and 3 days). To me it most definitely is a real loss and my first ever pregnancy after 2 + years of TTC. I wear a ring on my right hand with the birthstone of my EDD. This small recognition has helped me grieve and begin to move forward. The other thing that has helped me is coming up with a plan for moving forward with treatments. We are doing IVF #3 in January (We have never had any embryos to freeze), which will most likely be our last attempt with my eggs. If this cycle doesn't work and we have nothing to freeze, we will move on to DE or donor embryos. Just knowing our plan has been comforting to me, helping me to look forward instead of being stuck in my bubble of grief over our loss and IF.

Take care of yourself and understand that it will take time to heal. There is no right way to grieve and no right amount of time to grieve. Everyone is different and focus on what you need right now. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Aurora1181 · December 2013

I have definitely felt that anger!!!! Honestly, the only thing that seemed to help was seeing a therapist once a month. It has had a huge impact on my mental health.

SCSmith2011 · December 2013

I don't have any advice as IVF hasn't worked for me yet but I wanted to tell you I'm so sorry.

LSN8308 · December 2013

nothing can make all that anger and pain disappear as quickly as we'd all hope it would. just wanted to say take it one day at a time and take care of yourself emotionally and physically. welcome to the boards, im sorry you still have to be here but i hope you find some comfort and support along the way *hugs*

O2girl · December 2013

I understand the anger issue. I still hate my body because I feel that my adenomyosis killed my embies. What i thought was a safe place for them, tuned into the worst home in the world. It isn't fair. No one deserves to go through this heartbreak. I have a coworker/ friend who did her FET two weeks earlier than mine.,. Hers worked and when I saw her announcement it stung. I try to be happy when I'm around her, mostly because I know she had to go through IF also.... But deep down I hurt when I see her. She is very sympathetic about my situation and is very encouraging..... And that helps some.

Anyway, I get the anger, hurt, disappointment. Hugs to you! And warm wishes for the holidays.

babydreams13 · December 2013

I'm so sorry. I couldn't imagine hearing the HB and then having a miscarriage. We have had many failed cycles and 1 chemical and its so upsetting. I hope you and your DH can get through this and your next pregnancy is your take home baby. IF is so cruel and unfair.

pblge · December 2013

Thank you for this support, ladies. Christmas was very hard for us, but it helped to read these replies. It helps to hear from other people who have been in this place, and to hear that what we're feeling is normal.

We saw the doctor this morning for our "What now?" appt, and we all decided there was no benefit to waiting to try again. (According to him the research does not support the usual 3 month waiting period.) There are a variety of scheduling issues that make early 2014 better than later, so we're just going to go for it. Whenever my next period starts I'll begin the BCP. The idea of going through all of that again makes me feel crazed, but I'm not sure it's going to be any better in a few months. We're also going to a couples counselor who specializes in infertility on Monday. Not sure if it will help, but might as well try.

Thanks to all who responded here, and I hope everyone's sticky rainbow baby arrives soon. xoxo

mmhopeful · December 2013

pblge said:

Thank you for this support, ladies. Christmas was very hard for us, but it helped to read these replies. It helps to hear from other people who have been in this place, and to hear that what we're feeling is normal.

We saw the doctor this morning for our "What now?" appt, and we all decided there was no benefit to waiting to try again. (According to him the research does not support the usual 3 month waiting period.) There are a variety of scheduling issues that make early 2014 better than later, so we're just going to go for it. Whenever my next period starts I'll begin the BCP. The idea of going through all of that again makes me feel crazed, but I'm not sure it's going to be any better in a few months. We're also going to a couples counselor who specializes in infertility on Monday. Not sure if it will help, but might as well try.

Thanks to all who responded here, and I hope everyone's sticky rainbow baby arrives soon. xoxo

I was thinking of you and am glad to hear you have a plan and can take care of yourselves as a couple too. My best to you and your DH.

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