How did you share your IF with family?

WA1215 · December 2013

DH wants to tell mil that I am having IF trouble. She is the type of person that will make it about herself and then spread it to everyone we know. I'm not her biggest fan if you kwim

So, how do you bring something like this up?

ronniesgirl1981 · December 2013

We are very much in the closet, so I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say good luck and only share what you are comfortable sharing. For me, I always knew that if we decided to share, I would not share dates. It's bad enough getting a BFN, but then if you have 20 people calling and texting...that would make it worse.

DreadGamerWife · December 2013

We have only shared with a few people - mainly my parents and my brother/SIL. My parents faced their own fertility challanges years ago, so they are very understanding (even if my father doesn't quite understand the process which can cause some fairly funny conversations). However, we haven't told anyone on DH's side as they would constantly ask and give "advice" on how to proceed. Our rule on who to tell is how much do they think they will want to know - if they won't bring it up unless we do, then we can tell them. If they are more like the people who will be asking regularly, spreading it around, or giving "advice", then we keep silent as neither of us really want to deal with that.

DharmaChick · December 2013

ronniesgirl1981 said:

We are very much in the closet, so I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say good luck and only share what you are comfortable sharing. For me, I always knew that if we decided to share, I would not share dates. It's bad enough getting a BFN, but then if you have 20 people calling and texting...that would make it worse.

This!

My mom & sister know that I have PCOS (I've known since my teens), but don't know that we are actively trying. My mom sort of knows that I've been a doc about managing it better, but I haven't said that it was in relation to TTC. She may/may not have figured that out, but is good about not asking.

My in-laws don't know anything about it, and we plan to keep it that way.

Pets4Life · December 2013

We are VERY close to my family and they know pretty much everything. I enjoy having someone to talk to (my mom, SIL) but they are great about not bringing it up unless I do.

My husbands side know that we have been TTC for a while but nothing else. Its not that I care if they know....but we are not close so it would be a very awkward conversation. Plus, they are a "farming family" and do not believe much in doctors and do not talk about personal issues or feelings.

I think that you should tell who you are comfortable telling. That may be no one or only certain people! Everyone is different. I would just make sure it isn't going to be someone that will make this hard journey any worse.

Saintelizabeth · December 2013

I'm close with my family so they've known since day 1. No one asks about it unless the DH or I bring something up which is nice because, Its not something I like to talk about over and over with people who don't or can't understand (no matter how much we love each other).

My SIL and DIL know, but only because they themselves are struggling with IF so its nice to have someone close that knows what you're going through.

When the time comes I would would invite your MIL that this is something very personal and you are telling her in confidence. Be up front and tell her you don't want anyone else to know. At least if you get pissed at her if she does blab it to family she can't say she didn't know it wasn't ok.

pcrumley · December 2013

ALL of our family know. It was an easy transiston for us bc we were open that we were ttc for about 1&1/2 years but, people started putting it together that we were having trouble, and at first you get the unwanted advice like "just relax," "try losing weight, it worked for me" or "try going back to school or start the adoption process..." But that was a quick phase for me, and I know people have good intentions so I don't mind. It's now three almost four years that we've been trying. But as far as MIL's go, I don't have the traditional "MIL/DIL" hatred. Lol my MIL is my best friend, I didn't have a mother growing up, and she only has sons, so we bonded and are BFFs. I love having someone to talk about things like HSGs, or my hormones. She can't relate, but always offers advice and a shoulder to cry on. . But remember when you tell parents they almost have to go thru a grieving process as well, so give them time to catch up. Lots of time they are in denial so just be prepared. Good Luck. Let us know how it goes ! ! ! \:D/

jenkellen · December 2013

My mom and sister know we have an issue but they don't know what and I told them I didn't want to share. Since our diagnosis is on my husband's side I wanted to respect his privacy and share if he feels like he wants to. At this point he doesn't want anyone to know and I'm OK with that. I do not look at as my problem/his problem, but I know that's how it would be perceived so I want to be as sensitive as possible about it. At this point only one couple we are friends with knows, and I think two other friends suspect because they know we have been trying, but they never ask details.

We are typically very private people though, fore example, I didn't even tell anyone I was engaged until they noticed the ring.

I think if you are uncomfortable sharing, you don't need to. Remember this is about both of you and you need to be on the same page.

brittneyandadam · December 2013

My mom knows about my translocation and my PCOS, but only from when I was diagnosed. Only a select few people know that we've been trying/are doing fertility treatments. There are a few ladies at work who know, only because they've gone through it themselves or they've walked in on me crying. Other than that, only my best friend and DH'S best friend know what's going on. We didn't want to put it out in the open b/c it's a really private matter...and because it's only me with the issues, it's pretty personal and hard to deal with. The people who DO know about it are individuals who we know won't say anything insensitive and who won't go blabbing to other people.
That being said, I was thinking about telling our parents about everything once we got pregnant. However, I haven't decided if I'm going to wait until the 2nd trimester or say something as soon as we get the BFP.
It's up to you, and like a PP said, you should be on the same page as DH. But I would tell him how you feel about telling other people. If you do tell your MIL, I would make it perfectly, crystal, undeniably clear that you do not want other people to know.

JMForte33 · December 2013

My mom would be the exact same way! All about her, which is one of the reasons we haven't told anyone in our families. We have just told a few close friends and I did have to tell my manager because there have been some work schedule issues with testing and appointments.

One thing I did find is that, at least for me, the people I've told face to face seemed to get really uncomfortable. Of course I wasn't expecting them to cry with me or be as invested etc… but it still hurt.

So I guess the only advice I can give is to maybe be prepared for that. We plan on telling everyone after my 1st trimester if/when I get a BFP

SweetieShellieH · December 2013

*Loss Mentioned*

Some of our family knows about it. Because we were so excited about our pregnancy almost 2 years ago, we right away told our parents, our siblings and some extended family. When I m/c at almost 9 weeks we had to tell them about our loss and they all know nothing has happened since. About our IF problems in particular, my parents and brothers know, and DH's mum. DH doesn't want to talk about it to his brother, but I'm sure he knows now since he was at our house on x-mas eve and talked for like 3 minutes about how there were other things but no birthdays written on our dry erase calendar on the fridge (Which we use for appointments, bills, and my shift work schedule) He never mentioned it but I had "FERTILITY CLINIC 12:30PM" in bright red written in for the 30th! My mom doesn't understand IF, so sometimes I have to remind her to not say certain things as they are hurtful. She seems like she's been trying lately. DH's mum went through IF and her and her late husband adopted DH and his older brother (non-blood related) when they exhausted their options. IF treatment in the 70's wasn't as advanced. Her doctor actually told her after they adopted DH's older brother that she'd probably get pregnant! I think because all she and DH's dad went through, she's told DH if we need any expensive treatments, she'll help us with the OOP costs. As much as I'd like to pay it all ourselves, we probably would never be able to afford IVF on our own if it comes to that point.

If you feel comfortable, tell them, but set up some ground rules!

pcrumley · December 2013

BlueJoan said:

If you want to tell your family and if it will make it easier than go for it. But I wouldn't tell just to tell. It's a great idea to have you and your Dh on the same page with how much you want to share. You are under no obligation to share everything especially if it will be used as ammunition against you.

We told my family since my mom was publicly putting us on the spot for not giving her grandchildren yet. So I got mad one day and said she was being hurtful and for someone who struggled to have kids she must have forgotten what it felt like. I also told her the next time we are publicly shamed I will not be nice.

Our friends by far have been great to us. We announced it to a most of them at a house party when my DH was drunk. He has the issue so he told them about his mutant sperm and his friends said "let us know what the newest x-man will be" Best response ever! They still kid us from time to time but they also genuinely care about us and let us talk and vent as needed.

Good luck with making a decision that feels right for you and your DH.

Xmen sperm! Love it! My husband would live hearing that too bc we have the same issues, though he calls them his "dee dee dees"

DharmaChick · December 2013

X-men sperm! Lol, I love it.

pcrumley · December 2013

Those friends are some keepers! I found your future baby @bluejoan

pcrumley · December 2013

Magneto bump!

WA1215 · December 2013

Thanks everyone, I have a lot to think about. I would rather wait until after the 1st tri to say anything but DH says since my mom knows, then his mom should know too

brittneyandadam · December 2013

I can imagine that DH is feeling a little put-off if you get to tell your mom, but he doesn't get to tell his. Imagine if it was the other way around. I'm on mobile, so I can't see your dx or history...but maybe you should think about telling your MIL. That being said, if your IF troubles are female related, DH should recognize that it is YOUR body and you have the last say in who knows what. You should definitely talk to DH about your privacy concerns and acknowledge how he feels about the situation. Maybe you can just tell her that the two of you are going through IF treatments and leave it at that.
I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mom...if you're best friends, tell her everything, etc...and how much she knows about everything..your official dx, if it's both you and DH with IF troubles...etc. But DH is probably feeling frustrated, especially if you told your mom if part of the trouble is his sperm...that's really personal. (Again, i cant see your dx. Just playing the what if game)

ZukiWife · December 2013

For my mom and his mom, we had to ask questions about family history so that's how that came up. As for everyone else, we've just started telling people now that we're dealing with IF. We're not bringing it up ourselves, but just waiting until someone else brings it up and we are completely honest. "So when are you guys gonna start a family? "actually......"

WillCMyInk · December 2013

I told my mom when I had to answer questions about family history for the consult with the RE. We told MIL after I had an initial diagnosis and she decided to invite us out to lunch and proceed to give me a really hard time about how I obviously had no desire to ever have children.

pcrumley · December 2013

@willcmyink why did she give u such a hard time, that's so mean.

Mozzarella13 · December 2013

I just wanted to chime in and say that I agree with the prior posters...and @pcrumley the Xmen and magneto jokes gave me a much needed laugh today!!

WillCMyInk · December 2013

@pcrumley I wish I knew why she thought it was appropriate. I guess because we initially put off TTC so I could get my Master's. It was really a low blow, but she didn't even know we were TTC so I'm trying to cut her some slack... she's also been very apologetic and sweet since then.

Love4Science · December 2013

DH ended up telling his mom over Thanksgiving because she would.not.shut.up. about her new grandson (BIL's son). I ended up leaving the house with the dog in a very huffy manner and DH had to explain my bad behavior to his mom. We've also told our siblings when they've brought up the fact that we've been together so long and still don't have kids. My close friends know.

The only people that don't know are my parents and I feel like that's not fair and that we should tell them, especially since we're now also considering adoption (by that I mean that the application is sitting on the table next to me, all filled out and ready to be submitted this week). But how do you bring up that conversation out of the blue? My parents have NEVER once hassled us about kids so I've never had the opportunity to say anything. So how do you start that awkward conversation?

pcrumley · December 2013

Mozzarella13 said:

I just wanted to chime in and say that I agree with the prior posters...and @pcrumley the Xmen and magneto jokes gave me a much needed laugh today!!

glad you liked it

pcrumley · December 2013

Love4Science said:

DH ended up telling his mom over Thanksgiving because she would.not.shut.up. about her new grandson (BIL's son). I ended up leaving the house with the dog in a very huffy manner and DH had to explain my bad behavior to his mom. We've also told our siblings when they've brought up the fact that we've been together so long and still don't have kids. My close friends know.

The only people that don't know are my parents and I feel like that's not fair and that we should tell them, especially since we're now also considering adoption (by that I mean that the application is sitting on the table next to me, all filled out and ready to be submitted this week). But how do you bring up that conversation out of the blue? My parents have NEVER once hassled us about kids so I've never had the opportunity to say anything. So how do you start that awkward conversation?

Ahh I have the adoption application sitting in my email inbox, I'm too nervous to fill it out, but I'd "accidentally" have it out on the coffee table when they came over. . My inlaws are NOSY & would flip through it right away lol. There's like a $1500 price tag attached to the application, which is why I'm putting it off. . As well. . *gulp* #-o

pcrumley · December 2013

thanks @nariadreaming. . its going to be a tough process bc i cant do alot of IA bc of my age. and im worried they will always say no, ya know? my husbands cousin is domestically adopted, and it was/is a terrible decision for his aunt and uncle. but i have 3 adopted cousins, from two different families, and love them to death, two from china, one from vietnam. anyway we look at it, its money money money, heres 15 k for ivf, 20k for surrogate, 35k for adoption. there shouldnt be a price on human life like there is..

Love4Science · December 2013

pcrumley said:
Ahh I have the adoption application sitting in my email inbox, I'm too nervous to fill it out, but I'd "accidentally" have it out on the coffee table when they came over. . My inlaws are NOSY & would flip through it right away lol. There's like a $1500 price tag attached to the application, which is why I'm putting it off. . As well. . *gulp* #-o

I *wish* my parents were more nosy like that! It would make this easier. Even if I left it out on the table and they saw it, they try so hard to be unobtrusive that I really think they wouldn't say anything. We're going to try a couple more IUIs this spring, and if those don't work, I'm going to have to grow up and just have this conversation.

Good luck on making the decision on whether to send in the application! Our application fee is only $200 (we're working with Catholic Family Center for DIA), so ours is not as scary a decision as $1500!

pcrumley · December 2013

ahh, @love4science im just so worried about getting hurt. theres a girl on the adoption forum that had the baby in her arms, and 36 hours after birth or so. . the Birth Mother sent police to their hotel room to get the baby back . and right around christmas. Im SOOOO worried about that. and idk. its such a nerve-wracking exp.

Love4Science · December 2013

pcrumley said:

ahh, @love4science im just so worried about getting hurt. theres a girl on the adoption forum that had the baby in her arms, and 36 hours after birth or so. . the Birth Mother sent police to their hotel room to get the baby back . and right around christmas. Im SOOOO worried about that. and idk. its such a nerve-wracking exp.

I saw that post, but unfortunately, that's not the only post I've seen like that over on the Adoption board. That's why we chose the Catholic Family Center in the area where we live. They only do 2-3 placements a year and only take 5 prospective families at a time; I asked the social worker doing our info session how often they have a scenario like IRL's experience, and she said only once in the 10 years she's worked there. Now, that's like 1 in 25 placements, which is still probably greater odds than I have of getting KU, but they do very thorough birthmother counseling, so we feel a little better about going with them than with a large agency. The possibility of a disruption like that is in the back of our mind too, but if we continue TTC, we'll almost definitely have heartbreak every month, whereas with adoption, maybe it won't be every month.

Love4Science · December 2013

and sorry, thread people, @pcrumley and I didn't mean to co-opt this into an adoption thread.

angeltennis3 · December 2013

This is a great question and I find it so interesting to see everyone's response.

We haven't told any family or friends yet, but we are also relatively early in our journey. I don't want to tell my parents, because I honestly don't trust them to keep their mouths shut (mostly my mom). I don't want to tell DHs parents, because I think FIL would be very judgemental and blame me (as my fertility is the problem).

If we have to go further down this path, we may end up coming clean. If we had to go down the IUI path, I think we could manage financially on our own, but if this path leads us to IVF we will either have to move to a state that will pay for it or get financial help from our families.

mabranso · December 2013

I have found it to be very therapeutic to be open about the topic...to just about anyone. I accidentally left a medical form on the work fax, so I kinda didn't have a choice haha. It kinda helped me become more accepting of the reality. My dad was the only one that put up any resistance to seeing an RE. He thinks seeing an RE after 17 failed cycles is "rushing it." He doesn't get it and he's afraid I'm going to become octomom. He just doesn't understand.

WA1215 · December 2013

Love4Science said: So how do you start that awkward conversation?

Exactly my question! We talked it over, and we are keeping it to ourselves right now. We will share once we hopefully get pg, and through the first tri maybe. Whew! Thanks all for your advice and insight.

Want a personalized experience?

How did you share your IF with family?

Re: How did you share your IF with family?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards