Advice for Blending Families with Children and all their STUFF

JenniferApril · December 2013

My fiancee and I are getting married in a few short months and we are starting the process of moving all of my daughter and my stuff with all of his stuff and his kids stuff. I have one four year old daughter he has one four year old son and two daugthers (6 & 8). I was an only child and up until now my daughter has been an only child. The kids all get along great but the girls are (all three) are pretty possessive about their "stuff." Our weekends are either all kids or no kids but during the week there will be days with just my daughter and days just just his kids at what will soon be "our" house. Because I'm an only child I am seeking advice on what is normal as far as should we allow the girls to play with each other's special toys when the others arent' there? I mean of course some things it seems like a no brainer, soccer balls yes, jump ropes yes but things like makeup or things like stickers and such (items that the returning child would notice had been used in their absense). Any advice? Would you have special baskets for each child that the others can't play with? I hope I don't sound like an idiot. . .I'm just trying to get organized and prepared. I want to teach them to share but also know they need some things that are really theirs.

Nineoceans · December 2013

What? No. The only thing that is not for sharing is my SS' electronics that are fragile and even that is only because my DS is too little to be gentle. Even stuff like the iPad/iPod/xbox gets shared.

Otherwise nothing belongs to individual kids it belongs to me and Dh and if they don't share nicely it goes to Once Upon a Child.

You have to break the entitlement stuff early otherwise prepare to experience years of "my shirt" "my car" "my friends" ugh. I just couldn't deal with that pettiness.

That being said everyone gets to have their own space and have their things respected even when they are shared. They also get their own quality time with each parent.

Now if there are things they purchase with their own money in the future then I can respect that they don't need to share but at their ages they need to be sharing and happy to do so.

mom2one · December 2013

I think all kids need their own things that are not shared. It's not an entitlement issue to have your own clothes or your own special things that belong only to you. In a nuclear family, these issues may be less important but in a blended family (and particularly while everyone is just getting used to being a family) it is absolutely necessary for each child to have their own stuff.

fellesferie · December 2013

What is the bedroom situation?

My kids have their own rooms. They play in each other's rooms sometimes, but only if they are both there. If not, there is an expectation that they do not go into each other's rooms. If they take a toy to their room, it is off limits to the other child.

If stuff is left downstairs (they have a toy shelf with bins in the living room), it is basically fair game. If DS picks up one of DD's toys she has left sitting about, I do not intervene.

If your girls share a room, I think having some space of their own is important. A couple shelves or a chest or something.

mhwood · December 2013

I think it's very important for kids to have "special" things that are just for them.

Will each child have their own bedroom? Do you have space for a playroom?

Ginlyn0 · December 2013

My DD was in the same position in that she was an only child for 5 years then when she was 6 DH and I moved in together which brought in SD who was 5 and my 2 SSs whom were 2 & nearly 4 at the time. Each child has their own things. This is still the case except for things like family games or things that are purchased for them together in which case it is fair game. In the early years when the girls would ask for the same items I would buy them in different colors or take a permanent marker and put their first initial on it. For example, if the girls wanted the same Barbie I would put a small K or an M on the bottom of the Barbie's foot. They each have their own spaces to store their stuff. This stopped most of the fights the girls had in the early years. Our boys have never liked the same types of items so I didn't have to do that with them. Our general rule is that they are not to bother the other's stuff when they are not here. That doesn't mean they don't share. They absolutely share but only when the owner is there to ask permission and I haven't had to label anything in years.

Ilumine · December 2013

Of course there are things that are allowed to be their own. Do you not have YOUR own things?

Buy household toys and then allow them to have their own things.

HOWEVER, they must clean up their own items. So if they want their items to be off limits when they are not there, then they must ensure that the toy is in their special toy box/place. Because if its in the common area, its fair game.

JenniferApril · December 2013

Thanks so much ladies! They will be sharing rooms. I love the idea of you have to put it back in your storage bins or its fair game

emme022 · December 2013

JenniferApril said:

Thanks so much ladies! They will be sharing rooms. I love the idea of you have to put it back in your storage bins or its fair game

I mostly agree with previous posters and yea if you leave it laying around in a common area etc it is fair game and I would also say things like an Xbox/playstation etc would be more "family" toys for kids who were old enough to use them and not just one child's.

Since they will be sharing rooms I would definitely do something like having a few specific shelves, bins, container etc that is their's for their toys so they can put them their and then they are off limits. They should each feel like they have a little bit of their own space even though it is a shared room.

CurlyQ284 · December 2013

I've said this a few times but one thing that has helped us with sharing is negotiation. This is like one of the only successful things I've done as a parent with immediate results lol. My SDs have always shared a room and they have shared things and their own things. If one wants to borrow something and the other says no, she has to negotiate. Like if she wants to borrow earrings she might offer something in exchange for the other to borrow. They quit coming to us about someone not sharing their stuff and they're learning that you have to give a little to get something.

ambrvan · December 2013

My SD and DS shared a room until they were 5 and 2, respectively. Different genres as well as the particular age difference made it important for each to have their own things and still be able to share and tolerate one another. Each of them had their own toy box, their own shelves/baskets/whatever to keep their own things in. They have both been taught to keep their rooms and belongings organized from as early as possible, which cut down on things getting mixed up a lot. There has always been an understanding that they are to share with one another and be respectful of the other's possessions or they will lose the privilege to use anyone else's things for a time.

For SD, we kept certain items that DS was just too little too play with out of his reach in a shelf or in a tote that he could not open at that age. They had some communal things kept on a bookcase in the hallway, free use items were within reach and items needing supervision were up high.

Anything left out when not being used is fair game. Each child is responsible for their own things. Both know they should put everything away when they move on to something else and for the most part follow that. Natural consequences of leaving their things out or in a common area are that it may get lost, used by a family member, or picked up for good by Mom and Dad. But this does not mean that the finder can disrespect the items that find or keep them (no finders-keepers here).

Even if your kids are not going to have to share rooms, you could probably get some great ideas on how to promote privacy if you search the web for ideas on organizing a shared children's space. That is what I did and came up with some great ideas.

coopsbaby · December 2013

My girls shared a room until my son went to college (so until they were 15 and 12). The best thing we did was to have a "treasure box" for each of them that they could put some personal private stuff in. I think especially when they share a space it's important to feel like they have some privacy.

Ilumine · December 2013

Having one's own things is not being entitled.

Getting everything one wants when one wants it, without having to earn it is being entitled.

Teaching children the difference is good parenting. Not allowing children their individuality can be just as emotionally detrimental.

Advice for Blending Families with Children and all their STUFF

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