Co-parenting issues...

Chuck1906 · December 2013

If you are a parent and have experienced what I am about to describe, I'd like to hear from you.

My son lives with his mother full time. I have visitation twice a week and every other weekend. Unlike her, I do not get to see my son every day of the week. Because of this, it has made the bond between me and my son that much tighter. We do all kinds of things together and I give him 100% one on one attention when he is in my care. I cannot say the same for his mom.

The last several months now, my son has gone from extremely happy, playing with his toys, singing and dancing and just in a good mood when he is with me or with his grandparents but gets super sad and upset when I have to drop him off with his mom. Its obvious he wants to be with his dad. Its getting to the point now where he is being disrespectful towards his mom at the drop off location by kicking, crying, and pinching her in the face and arms out of frustration. Of course I tell him what he is doing is not nice and not to do that to his mother.

Now his mom is seeing someone else now and she just got an apartment with him and my son is forced to be in that situation. He is only 2 and even though he is very smart and starting to talk a whole lot better, he is not talking good enough for me to ask some harder questions about why he doesn't want to go to mommy's house.

Is this a phase or could there be more to this as to why he doesn't want to go home to his mom's house. Even when I ask him do you want to go to Mommy's house? He quickly will reply with No! When asked do you want to stay at Daddy's house, he gets really happy and starts smiling .

So any of you parents out there, have you ever experienced your child doing this where they wanted to spend more time with the parent they don't get to see everyday? What is the solution if there is one? A part of me wants to ask his mom is everything okay at home. For my son to say NO, every time he is asked if he wants to go to Mommy's house makes me wonder. I am told he only acts like this when he is being picked up from the babysitter's house and when he is being dropped off by me. His mom claims once they get home, he is fine so I don't know.

Spin313 · December 2013

I am not parenting separately, but this is very common two year old behavior: parental preference and trying to assert control over their world. Unless you have other reasons for concern, this is normal.

Crystal318 · December 2013

Personally as a child my parents split when I was 2.5 yrs old and from as early as I can remember I would throw a fit, have a screaming, crying breakdown whenever I had to leave my dad (my mom was primary custodian). Its not that I didnt like my mom, I loved her, I just really missed my dad and he was more fun/less rules etc.

On the other hand. I have a 3 year old boy and his father and I are split up and my son is attached to me at the hip. He doesnt really want much to do with his dad. His dad is in and out of his life and thats probably why (drugs are more important). But he also is a complete mommy's boy no matter who is around.

That all being said, I think it depends on the age/situation. I do think its common for a child to prefer on parent over the other.....however, I dont think it is a bad idea to ask mom about what is going on. You never know. Maybe he doesnt like her new boyfriend. Maybe shes not giving him enough attention due to the boyfriend? Who knows. But it cant hurt to talk it out for the childs sake if you and mom have a good enough relationship to do so.

Good Luck!

beautiflaw · December 2013

I'm not co-parenting but I have friends who are that say this is common and not an indicator of abuse or anything to be worried about at this point in time. Its more likely that his mom is less focused in giving him 100% of her attention all day, since she is with him all the time. That might mean that his time with you is more fun, so he doesn't want that to end. But he's okay when he gets home because he gets that mom loves him too. Also, mom might be more strict, or he could be a little jealous of the attention the new boyfriend is getting. Its great that you give him all your attention and that he wants to be with you. Treasure that. Do keep an eye out for risk factors or signs of mistreatment, but don't jump to conclusions. Do you go to his pediatrician appointments? You could talk to the pedi about things to look for if he's not being treated well at home. All pedis look for these signs too.

When he gets older, if he says anything to suggest something is going on then I would be worried. At this point I would not worry because toddlers have a difficult time adjusting to new situations. Keep up the good work. I think its just that you are more fun than mom right now. If she's open to suggestions, you could suggest kindly to her that maybe he needs a little extra cuddling and attention right now. Mom and Dad living separately can be hard on little ones, it can be made a lot easier if parents are open and communicate well with each other.

XCrissCrossX · December 2013

It could also be that you show joy/happiness/excitement when he says he prefers to stay with you...and so he says it to get that reaction.

rlyttle · December 2013

I do not co parent, but at this age my DS wanted the babysitter more than either of us. He would scream, kick and run everyday when I picked him up from daycare. He would ask to go to her house on the weekends. It's very normal at this age. Just keep open communication with his mother and this phase will pass. GL!

Chuck1906 · December 2013

Thanks for all the responses! I really appreciate it. I agree that I do not think there is any foul play going on over at his mom's house.

I am the one that enforces most of the rules (well when he is with me anyway) and teaches him all kinds of things that challenge his mind and spends that undivided attention with him. I honestly don't think he is getting that at the other house. He is being babysat by a family member for about 8 hours or more a day then mom comes to get him and she might spend a little time with him before its time for dinner and bed. This is day in and day out. So how much time is he REALLY spending with her? Not a lot when you look at the big picture.

Until my son can start expressing himself verbally, I will just have to monitor the situation. Now we did have a talk over the weekend and he stated there was some yelling going on over there but didn't clarify if he was being yelled at or if mom was yelling at the boyfriend or vice versa. My son is very bright and for him to even say there was some yelling going on and then gave me an example by yelling himself totally surprised me.

I agree with the other comments about me being the "fun" parent. I do go out of my way to take him places and do fun things with him and expose him to a whole lot of things he might not get to do or see if left up to his mom.

I will take your advice and won't rush to any conclusions just yet but I will continue to monitor the situation. Yesterday we had a long talk about not crying when going to mommy's house and I might have to do that every time for the next few weeks.

Another thing is that this behavior all began when his mom and her BF got an apartment together 2 months ago. Having this guy who he hardly knows in his living space all the time now I think is too much for a 2 year old to comprehend. His mom told me that he is fine once he gets home. Now is he really fine or is that just what she is telling me? I guess time will tell once my little guy starts verbally expressing himself more.

emme022 · January 2014

I mostly lurk but have some experience with this and I agree with other posters that it is not really fair that you seem to be implying there is something wrong with a family member watching your son during the day. How else is his mother supposed to work and earn money to support them? My SO has 50/50 custody with his ex. She lives with her parents and chooses not to work because she feels the state should support her right to be a stay at home parent, her mother also does not work. LO's grandmother spends muuuuch more time with LO than she does even though she is able to should he choose to. My SO works because he has to, but still spends more time with his daughter than her mother does. And even with that she has a good relationship with both of her parents, it really isn't as simple as who can be home with them the most. I am assuming if you had primary custody you would also need to use daycare, babysitter etc?

I'm not sure why you do not think he is being taught things that "challenge" him there or why that is an issue. And I would be pretty surprised if a parent who has their kid a majority of the time could give them their undivided attention at all times. LO has also had issues with crying when SO went to pick her up from her mom's. She would usually cry from the door to the car and then be fine. Also BM would regularly say things to LO like, I know you don't want to go to Daddy's he's making you do it, I'm sorry he's taking you away from your home, I know you love being with mommy more etc so a lot of it was LO reacting to her mother and responding how she knew her mother wanted. We have not had that problem and I think it is because we encourage her to talk about whoever she wants(she is not allowed to talk about us at moms house), its ok to be happy either place, its fun to go back to moms and then before you know it you will come back here again, its so nice to have 2 homes etc. Your son might be picking up on some of your feelings about the situation.

Did Mom's boyfriend move in with them or did they all move to someplace new? He could be having trouble adjusting to living somewhere new. I do not think having "this guy" in his living space is a huge issue. How long were Mom and bf together? My SO and I have lived together since LO was about 17 months old and she has had no issues with me being in her living space all the time. She is 3 now and at this point it would probably be more upsetting to her if I wasn't. A lot of the time it is easier for younger kids to adapt to those kind of situations than older ones.

And when your son becomes more verbal, that does not mean he will always be telling the truth, or that what he is saying won't be missing interpreted so be careful there. LO told her mother that we were getting married and I was having a baby around the same age. Neither is true but LO wants me to have a baby and wants to go to a wedding like in Disney so thats why she said it. Kids can easily get things confused/lost in translation.

myjohnsonboys · January 2014

I don't think his behavior is abnormal for his age. My 3 year old always prefers his dad over me because dad is fun. Sounds like your son just gets sad the fun is over.

PALGal · January 2014

BTW, what does your divorce decree say?

My husband's says both parties can absolutely not have overnight guests while LO is there.

My step-daughter could not stay the night with us until we got married.

Chuck1906 · February 2014

Some of you are missing my point I think. Me and my sons mom both work during the day so we have a family member watching our son during the week. There is no issue with that. My point was when his mom picks him up from the family member 3 days a week, her time with him is limited. The other two days I have him and drop him off at 9pm which he usually goes right to bed.

Im definitely not trying to create a who is a better parent war. At one point, I was asking his mom questions like do you know he can do this...or he can do that...or if all 3 of us are together I might say Show your mom this or that...and her reply to everything I asked or said to her was WOW I didn't know that. How does a child live with you full time and your not aware of these awesome things they can do if your not spending time with them? I am not saying spend every minute of your day either. Heck I only see my son twice a week and every other weekend but I am making a huge impact on him.

@PalGal we were never married. I actually asked my lawyer about something like that a while back and I think it has to do with what state you live in. She said that wouldn't fly in this state but other states have different laws like what you mentioned.

I just want my son to be happy and it breaks my heart seeing him upset and crying when he has to go home. I wouldn't be surprised if his mom is giving her live in boyfriend more attention than our son and that could be one reason he don't like going home. He's too young to understand why I am his dad but I live in my own house and sees me partially and his mom lives with another guy in their home but he is around them more than with me.

@emcmac When I went to see a parenting counselor recently he told me that as long as one of the parents was giving my son quality attention and teaching him all kinds of things and allowing him to explore and challenge his mind that is all my son needs. He went on to say basically he will be fine since I am the one that does all those things and she isn't. If both parents was not giving the child that attention then that would be some concern to take notice of he said to me and would fall under neglect.

Me and his mom were together up until just after our son turned one. So his first year of life, he saw me all the time if not everyday. His mom went on to date other guys and had these guys around my son. Some people might say he's so young that having other guys around won't affect him...I don't know...I know that I will not bring another woman around my son until I know for sure I am seriously dating her. Thats just me. His mom and her BF were living separately but got a place together in Fall 2013. This is when all the behavior changes surfaced with my son. Here it is February 2014 and I am told he still cries at night because of his new environment. Thanks for the last bit of advice with LO telling me something that can easily get mis-interpreted! LOL!

Zimger · February 2014

I'm going to add that you shouldn't be asking your child questions about what goes on at his moms house. That puts him on the spot and can create stress for a child. He will feel like he is stuck in the middle. He loves you both, you are his parents. It will be very hard on him if he feels that he can't please both of you with his answers. It can be very damaging emotionally.

If you feel something is wrong you need to discuss it with his mother. If that isn't working then perhaps you both need to seek mediation or legal assistance.

TiffanyBerry · February 2014

@Chuck1906 - really, your posts sound like she's not the mom you want your son to have. Thing is, she IS his mom. Whether you like how she parents him or not. Unless you have illegal nanny-cams in her house, you absolutely cannot know - no matter what you think, surmise, assume, or infer from your son's behavior - how good or bad of a mother she is. Nor how good or bad of a mother she will be a year from now, when he's in a different stage that perhaps you find more challenging.

You don't like it. I get that. It's your son and you want the best for him. But we RARELY get the best in life. It's not necessary, and more often than not, you'll just lose sleep and give yourself excessive anxiety if BEST is what you are aiming for.

Step back. Enjoy your son. DO NOT ask him about what is going on at home - like the previous person mentioned. DO follow up with your lawyer about maintaining your custody agreement as best as possible. And stop over thinking this. It is out of your control. Do what YOU do best - being a dad to your child - and leave what is out of your control alone.

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