oh, parents- a semi rant (long read)

joynalanson · December 2013

hi yall. just wanna give a lil history before i go into this story. my husband and i are both from "broken homes." his parents divorced when he was a teen and mine were never married but were together until i was 6. we have been together since high school and have always taken our parents' relationships as a lesson learned in what not to do. my FIL was basically carrying on 2 relationships at once and MIL is still hurt by it, which DH witnessed firsthand and said that he would never want to put someone he loved through that. my mom was jealous, controling and a bit violen with my dad, who tended to omit info so as not to cause an argument, which didnt work and made him come off as unreliable. so anyways, on to christmas...

we managed to see everyone this holiday. MIL cooked on the eve and we spent christmas day at my dad's sister's, who my mom is friends with still. my dad made a surprise appearance at her house as well when we were making our way out to spend a couple hrs at FILs- i found out THIS YEAR that my mom's presence had been keeping him away. but basically the impending birth is making my dad want to come around more, which, thank god for small miracles (literally).

when we came back to my aunt's house my dad and DH were outside for about an hr chatting. my dad has always loved my hubs and been very proud of him as a son in law, and so apparently my dad just opened up to him about a lot of stuff, some of which DH wont even tell me because he is very big on keeping peoples' confidence and i respect that. the gist was that sometimes my mother can make him feel like he is still obligated to do things for her even though the kids are adults (i can relate to that, but again, he could say no and instead says "we'll see" then never does it, so he looks unreliable) and it gets in the way of his current relationships. because he chooses not to stand up to her, he also doesnt come around for family events, thinking there will be some kind of drama with her, but my parents are in their 50s. they can handle a disappointment at this point, i hope!

there were other things that he said, but those stood out to me. honestly i cant believe he has let his feelings toward one person stand in the way of him seeing his kids, even as adults! my middle brother doesnt live in this state, and they havent seen each other in years because he chooses to stay away! when we got married i hoped that our parents could all be in the same room for that without incident, and they did, but my MIL didnt even come to my baby shower because (i think) there was a chance FIL would be there. i wish they would all see a therapist and get their crap together because we are not having separate events until the kids turn 18 because they cant stand the sight of each other. i wonder about my delivery day and how they will act then... it doesnt stress me out because i imagine that i will really curse them all out for acting a fool during such an occasion, and they would deserve it too.

amt0312 · December 2013

My dad often times tells me a lot of things about how he feels towards my mom that he doesn't want to tell other people because I think in some aspect, he feels he can trust me and he respects my opinions about what I have to say.....and I am sure it is good for him to be able to talk to someone about these things.

On the other hand, I feel torn because it hurts to hear the things he has to say sometimes and I feel its a huge burden to put on your child and it does affect my relationship with my mom. For a couple of years, things were not looking good for their marriage, but it seems lately that they have been able to work past some pretty tough issues, but holidays and visits were very tough for awhile.

I don't really have advice for you, but I do totally understand where you are coming from and that parents can totally be frustrating. Heavy stuff, man. Good luck and I hope things work out for the best one day.

joynalanson · December 2013

thanks. thats up to them, the working out part. i feel like somethings have to give and there's a lot unsaid that just needs to be out in the open. i remember ppl saying "when you have a baby with someone you have to deal with them for the next 18 years no matter what!" no no, it's for life. for the sake of their grand children.

MJOJwedding · December 2013

No real advice here. But MH is divorced and I have two stepdaughters. MH and his ex have shared custody - one week on, one week off. When the girls hit school age, we decided to do joint birthday parties. MH's parents had a hard time at first being in the same room as the ex's parents. But my stepdaughters have five sets of grandparents now and although none of us would probably admit to enjoying spending time with the others, we all suck it up for the sake of the girls. And the girls LOVE it!

My aunt is a stepmom and reminded me early on that this doesn't stop when they turn 18. You have college and weddings and then babies. It is for life!!

Anyways - I'm sorry your dad is having a hard time putting aside his own emotions for the sake of his children. :-( it makes me sad for you because as much as I hate being in the same room as MH's ex, it's not about me. It's about the girls.

mrsbeers · December 2013

So sorry that your parents and in laws have made the life decisions they did and that you and DH still have to deal with it. My parents are divorced too (when I was 15) and I still struggle so much with it and especially now that DH and I are starting our family. This is the first grandbaby and while they were civil for our wedding, I can't see them truly getting along for the grand kids. We're planning baby's baptism for march 1 and expecting dh's parents, grandparents, siblings, my sister, and my parents to all visit then. My mom has the attitude that she is deserving of everything first (like it's more her grandchild than my dads) and I think my dad would rather just not be around her. DH and I are thankful for our situation at this point in life that we live 600 miles away from our parents so that we don't have to deal with this as much. We do plan on moving closer to home in the next couple years though. Sometimes I get caught up thinking about my parents and what birthday parties and holidays and school plays will be like with them. DH is great with listening and supporting me when I get worked up about it....we usually conclude that we do not want to expose our kids to their toxicity any more than necessary (necessary only being that well have to explain why dh's parents are together and mine are not), we will always leave the door open to both of them, they are in their late 50s and have been divorced almost 10 years, and that it's truly and sadly their decision to make whether they want to be a loving part of their grandbabys life or if they would rather be right-fighters and live in their own comfort without the joy of their grandbabys. It's also important to remind ourselves that the divorce was completely their decision. Of course it unfortunately affects us and our families, and while that may have had a more direct impact before turning 18 or before getting married, they need to realize that they also made the decision to have children together which does last a lifetime, not just 18 years! There comes a point where it is REALLY no longer okay to force everyone else to make arrangements around them.

Kudos to you and your DH for being committed to commitment. My DH and I also share that and worked on it during our engagement. In my own reflection, my parents divorce was ultimately all about selfishness. May you and your DH share and teach your kiddos a life of selflessness!

joynalanson · December 2013

Thanks guys. Knowing we aren't the only ones with this crazy family dynamic is comforting. I have to pray that our families are bigger than their individual dramas.

Committed to commitment. I like that. We went to premarital counseling in the hopes that we won't have to go later on.

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oh, parents- a semi rant (long read)

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