What a depressing intro to be making.
I went in for my regular appointment on Friday at 9 weeks. I had no cramping, no spotting, plenty of morning sickness, and I just had no idea anything was wrong. The baby measured on track (9 weeks 1 day), but there was no longer a heartbeat.
I've gone through the list of reasons why it could've been my fault. What I've settled on, and I know it's ridiculous is this: I have a toddler, and I work full time in a high stress job. When I was pregnant with my son, I was still working, but with
no other little on to take care of, it was easier to rest and bond with the unborn baby, talk to him, sing to him, enjoy the pregnancy.
Also, with this pregnancy, at times I felt conflicted that my son would no longer get all my attention, but I really wanted to give him the gift of a sibling.
Lastly, since very early in this pregnancy, I was worriedd I would lose the baby, because my mom (and I think my older sister too) miscarried their second pregnancy.
So, I feel like I made this happen by just not being excited about the baby enough, not wanting it enough. Either that or I made it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It also doesn't help me that in my desperate Googling, I turn up things here and there that say first pregnancies are usually the ones miscarried (not second like mine), and that it is uncommon to see the heartbeat and then miscarry (We saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks 4 days). That only makes me feel worse.
And I'll just throw this out there. Tuesday is my birthday. Not related to that, my mom, sister, niece, and nephew went to Disneyland this weekend and keep texting pictures (my mom knows. not sure about my sister). DH and I had scheduled Thanksgiving week off work. We were supposed to be having fun and relaxing, and I was supposed to still be pregnant. Instead, I spent yesterday inserting tablets into my vagina, cramping, and bleeding.
I really want another baby, but now I'm afraid to try, because I don't want to have to go through this again.
Wow. That was long. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading this. Actually, just thank you, no matter how far you made it.