How do you split Christmas?

katie_cj · December 2013

Our CO states that we split Christmas holidays like this: One year, you get from when school ends to Boxing Day, then we swap and the other parent gets from Boxing Day at noon to January 2nd. We switch off every year. This year, my exFI says that he doesn't like the arrangement and wants DS until the 28th, I declined and said I wanted him back Boxing Day as per our CO, which he had no problems following last year. He wants to discuss changing it. The reason we switch on Boxing Day is because we live 3 hours apart and we both thought it was unfair for DS to spend a chunk of his Christmas Day traveling, but we also each get part of the holiday with him. I guess I'm looking for other options. I actually like our Holiday schedule in our CO, but who knows, maybe there is a better option. I have sole legal and primary physical custody. DS goes to his dad's every other week-end, we alternate holidays and he gets a couple weeks in the summer.

katie_cj · December 2013

And sorry, I had paragraph I'm the original OP. I don't know what happened to them.

nattyncbride · December 2013

This is not much help in the 'show me other options' category, I'm hoping all the other ladies can give more advice.

I'll just say that our CO stays we split Christmas day, but we end up doing what you do, and it has worked for us thus far (LO is 4). We live minutes apart, but we both go to our respective parents' homes for the holidays, and they are 2 hours apart, and we don't want him spending time traveling on Christmas day. I would not be cool with trading on the 28th either. We do it on the morning of the 26th (I had to look up boxing day!), as the parent who didn't have LO over Christmas is itching to get their hands on him.

One alternative (hopefully someone else has more input), if you don't have big Christmas Eve evening traditions, is to exchange Christmas Eve afternoon. That way one of you has DS for most of Christmas Eve and the other Christmas Day. Good luck! Maybe BD (you wrote FI, but I assume you mean Bio Dad) had a momentary lapse of judgement and will be happy w/ current arrangement after all.

KendraL86 · December 2013

We alternate. Even years we get Christmas Day (usually from about 9 am on). Odd years we get Christmas Eve - Christmas morning. The rest of the holiday schedule remains the same as our standard schedule.

Nineoceans · December 2013

Whoever gets Thanksgiving day doesn't get Christmas Eve. The Christmas Eve person gets Christmas Eve and day until noon.

I cannot stand having to deal with seeing Bm on Christmas Day but neither Bm or Dh would agree not to have SS for a holiday so everything is split. Annoying as hell.

Ilumine · December 2013

We alternate the whole holiday! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

So on Even Years, DH gets The entire Christmas Break (from the end of school to the Saturday night before School Starts - this is to allow the kids a day of rest/recoup before going to school) and the first half of the summer. And on Even Years, BM gets all of Thanksgiving Holiday and Spring Break (again from the last day of school until the evening of the Saturday before School Starts).

While it hurts DH that he is not with the kids for the holiday, he recognizes how this makes everything less fanatic for the CHILD.

And as a child who drove from NY to VA every single year for Christmas (and I love my extended family and all) I totally agree with it. It is not fun.

agibby · December 2013

DH and BM swap every other year like this: Christmas Eve + Day and first half of winter (school) break for one parent and other parent gets 2nd half of winter break thru New Years Day. This year it works out 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off which is super hard on SS (6) so we asked to trade a few days in between for his sake. BM came up with one day, which is better than nothing. It really stinks that every other year we don't have SS one Christmas Eve or Day but we celebrate with him usually before Christmas, with DH's family. We'll celebrate our immediate family Christmas this coming Wednesday (the one day we swapped).

And we have fun staying up with all the kids on New Years Eve so we're looking forward to that

nevertune · December 2013

My ex's family celebrates on Christmas Eve, so he gets him every year for Christmas Eve and I get him every year for Christmas. (I pretty much don't care when I celebrate. My family is really flexible.) The only thing that changes is where he wakes up Christmas morning. Every year we switch that. This year I get him Christmas Eve night and he wakes up here. Next year he'll be dropped off Christmas morning. My husband's ex does the same with my step-son and both exes are kind enough to coordinate years so the boys get to be together. Buuuut, my ex lives about 15 minutes from here and my husband's ex meets him about half an hour from here, so I doubt that would work for you.

Banana44 · December 2013

We switch on the 28th at noon.

The 2nd half is always a little bit longer than the 1st half - but the 1st half gets Christmas - so it works out.

JessH1474 · December 2013

We alternate based on winter break. On even years, we get SS from the time school lets out until 1:00pm on Christmas Day and on odd years we get him from 1:00pm on Christmas Day until the Sunday before school starts again. We live about 1.5 hours from BM, but they agree to meet half way so nobody has to drive the full way on Christmas. SS is 12 so we've been doing it this way for the last 12 years and it's worked fine for us. I normally stay home with DD's while DH takes SS to meet BM and SS is usually excited b/c it means another Christmas for him when he gets to the next person's house. We don't do anything else on Christmas Day though, so we don't have to worry about fitting other family members in. We do that either before or after Christmas to make it easier on everyone.

sabrina69barnes · December 2013

We're also about 2.5 - 3 hrs from BM. We've always split their break down the middle and exchange on Christmas Day. We used to alternate who would get which part. BM has a DS who was born on Dec 23 so we decided it would be easier for BM to always have the first part so SKs can celebrate with their brother. DH's grandmother lives a few min away from BM and we are usually there on Christmas Day so the driving isn't an issue. If we were an intact family they would spend just as much time in the car.

cole2144 · December 2013

One parent gets 12 Christmas Eve until 12 Christmas day and the other gets 12 Christmas day until 12 on the 26th. It sucks because SD basically opens her gifts and has breakfast and leaves. We have 50/50 custody.

dmndsr4eva · December 2013

What in the world is boxing day?

katie_cj · December 2013

dmndsr4eva said:
What in the world is boxing day?

Sorry. I didn't realize that was a Canadian thing. Boxing Day is on December 26th. It's a stat holiday here and it's a little like American Black Friday in terms of shopping and sales.

mhwood · December 2013

With the holidays up here being 3 days, even years she is with my ex on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, we switch at 2 pm and I have her Christmas dinner and Boxing Day.

This works very well for us and we've been doing it this way for 12 years now.

CFjo2010 · December 2013

Regarding K, we alternate years and the Christmas holiday is defined as Christmas Eve at 6pm through 12/26 at 6 pm. Other than that, we follow the normal visitation schedule during winter break. The normal schedule has K at each house every few days, and since DH and I both work it's not like we would be able to go out of town or anything.

I can't imagine having to split up Christmas Day. That just seems so chaotic and disruptive. Especially if there are other kids in the house.

Ilumine · December 2013

I cannot even begin to believe that splitting Christmas Day is in any way in the best interest of the child.

dmndsr4eva · December 2013

This year DS will be with me Christmas Eve and Christmas morning until 11. Then he goes to have lunch with his dad and spend the night. Next year it will be opposite. He will spend Christmas Eve with his dad and have Christmas lunch with me. Definitely not an ideal situation but it's all we came up with in the tense and rushed mediation.

emme022 · December 2013

SO's custody schedule has one parent getting easter, thanksgiving, christmas eve and part of christmas day one year then the other parent gets them all the next year. So since this is SO's year he has LO from 9am christmas eve to 6pm christmas day and BM has her from 6pm Christmas day to 6pm on the 26th. We aren't really fans of the arrangement for a few reasons, and for christmas specifically the 6pm thing doesn't really make sense to us but it is what it is. They are supposed to go back to court next year to possibly revise the holiday schedule(it was written into the CO that it was a 2 year trial period or whatever) so hopefully some changes can be made then, especially since xmas break isn't written in. Doubt this helped but I will say I agree with some others that splitting up Christmas day isn't always the best.

jess9802 · December 2013

DH and his XW live far enough apart (for the first four years, she was in So. CA and he was here in OR; she just moved to NJ) that he had visitation at Christmas and over summer break, and she had SS during the school year. They swapped custody this year, and now we have SS during the school year and his mother will have him for Christmas and summer break. Her life is in transition right now so she decided not to take him for Christmas this year, and instead SS will visit her during his two week spring break in March.

I was not looking forward to not having SS for Christmas this year, but we had planned on celebrating (maybe modifying an Epiphany celebration) when he returned, and I'm sure that's what we'll do next year.

katie_cj · December 2013

Ilumine said:

I cannot even begin to believe that splitting Christmas Day is in any way in the best interest of the child.

My ex and I both agree with this, which is why we agreed on the 26th at noon. Looking at all the arrangements, I feel like ours is fair and well within the norms.

I don't really like the idea of not seeing DS at all during Christmas break and I'm sure that exFI would feel the same way.

Ilumine · December 2013

katie_cj said:

Ilumine said:

I cannot even begin to believe that splitting Christmas Day is in any way in the best interest of the child.

My ex and I both agree with this, which is why we agreed on the 26th at noon. Looking at all the arrangements, I feel like ours is fair and well within the norms.

I don't really like the idea of not seeing DS at all during Christmas break and I'm sure that exFI would feel the same way.

But it is not about how you feel, but how the kids feel.

I grew up in an intact family that drove from NY to VA on Dec 23 and retired Dec 26 every year. We never got settled. Se never really got to play with out toys. And our toys were NEVER anything that could not be packed back up in a trunk. We never got to really visit with the cousins or participate in the extended family events because we were only there for two days.

All because my Grandmother and Mother did not like the idea of not seeing each other during the Christmas Break.

Add onto that, knowing that you are going from ONE parent to ANOTHER parent, who may not like each other. Knowing that you have to switch between two people/families that you love.

I could never ever do that to my daughter. She needs to stability of one family each holiday. Let her focus on creating bonds with them. Let her enjoy her toys. Let her sleep in the same bed for more than 3 days.

mhwood · December 2013

Ilumine said:

I cannot even begin to believe that splitting Christmas Day is in any way in the best interest of the child.

That is why we selected 2 pm. It gives plenty of time to wake up, open gifts, play with them, have breakfast and relax before moving on to the next place.

If we were an intact family, it would be the time we'd be leaving our house to spend Christmas dinner with one of our families anyway.

jbelle · December 2013

mhwood said:

Ilumine said:

I cannot even begin to believe that splitting Christmas Day is in any way in the best interest of the child.

That is why we selected 2 pm. It gives plenty of time to wake up, open gifts, play with them, have breakfast and relax before moving on to the next place.

If we were an intact family, it would be the time we'd be leaving our house to spend Christmas dinner with one of our families anyway.

I lurk here sometimes because I grew up in a blended family. Splitting Xmas day is how it was handled in my family--but my parents lived 5 minutes apart. I'm grateful they split things as they did; it meant a lot to me to have the same pattern each year. Like @mhwood, it meant that after Xmas morning with mom and brunch/lunch with my maternal grandparents, we had Xmas with dad and then dinner with our paternal grandparents--and our huge extended family on that side.

My family was large enough--and close enough together--that the holiday was always going to seem "hectic" to some. To us, it was just part of what holiday meant and we loved it! My best friend's family--her grandparents were all deceased and other family far flung--went to the movies and had chinese food for dinner every year on Xmas day; two activities that seemed so foreign to me at the time. I'm sure she thought our "running around" sounded ridiculous and tiring. Of course we both cherish our holiday memories, which is all that counts now.

@illumine, you've realized that a pattern that worked for your parents (or at least your mom) did not work for you as a kid, so you've likely evaluated your SKs and Ks personalities, wants, and needs, and realized what will and won't work for them, and you as a family. My parents thoughtfully did the same, they just came to a different conclusion.

ETA: @mhwood: I didn't meant to imply that's how you split your day, just that we split the day similarly!

ambrvan · December 2013

We are supposed to split the school break at Christmas day noon. But since BM's visits have to be supervised and her parents are not off that whole time, BM is getting Christmas day noon the following Sunday plus every weekend of Christmas break. I am just rolling my eyes and saying WTF ever.

Our Christmas schedule just does not work. We tried to get everyone to understand that supervised visits don't work applied to a standard visitation schedule. But noooo.... They're all so smart. BM also thinks that getting SD every weekend during Christmas break makes up for the weekends she has missed because of her parents illnesses in the past month, but if you're keeping track it doesn't . If you're counting days they only make up for the weekdays that she isn't getting during the break. But if that makes everyone freaking happy, then WTF ever. I'm perfectly happy if BM gets less time. She doesn't send the time with SD anyway. She is there for all but a few hours and then SD gets to hang out with her grandparents, with whom her relationship has improved greatly.

allgood921 · December 2013

What we generally did when we lived 6 hours apart from each other was pick up on the day school would let out of Christmas break, then drop off late Christmas Eve night. We would just have our Christmas on Christmas Eve then swap back out that night so they could enjoy their Christmas morning together as well.

Do you guys not meet in the middle? 3 hours is a good bit of traveling for a LO but not TOO bad if you try to meet up early. IE You both leave at 9am so LO could be at destination by noon?

Ilumine · December 2013

jbelle said:

mhwood said:

Ilumine said:

I cannot even begin to believe that splitting Christmas Day is in any way in the best interest of the child.

That is why we selected 2 pm. It gives plenty of time to wake up, open gifts, play with them, have breakfast and relax before moving on to the next place.

If we were an intact family, it would be the time we'd be leaving our house to spend Christmas dinner with one of our families anyway.

I lurk here sometimes because I grew up in a blended family. Splitting Xmas day is how it was handled in my family--but my parents lived 5 minutes apart. I'm grateful they split things as they did; it meant a lot to me to have the same pattern each year. Like @mhwood, it meant that after Xmas morning with mom and brunch/lunch with my maternal grandparents, we had Xmas with dad and then dinner with our paternal grandparents--and our huge extended family on that side.

My family was large enough--and close enough together--that the holiday was always going to seem "hectic" to some. To us, it was just part of what holiday meant and we loved it! My best friend's family--her grandparents were all deceased and other family far flung--went to the movies and had chinese food for dinner every year on Xmas day; two activities that seemed so foreign to me at the time. I'm sure she thought our "running around" sounded ridiculous and tiring. Of course we both cherish our holiday memories, which is all that counts now.

@illumine, you've realized that a pattern that worked for your parents (or at least your mom) did not work for you as a kid, so you've likely evaluated your SKs and Ks personalities, wants, and needs, and realized what will and won't work for them, and you as a family. My parents thoughtfully did the same, they just came to a different conclusion.

ETA: @mhwood: I didn't meant to imply that's how you split your day, just that we split the day similarly!

And I am very glad that your parents were able to work out their co-parenting so well and that you all adjusted so easily to that crazy schedule.

But most children, by the inherent nature of their emotional, cognitive and physical development are not there. Add on the additional stressors of extra family, dressing up, different rules, sleeping patterns, etc and you are putting a lot of pressure on the children.

Sure they have fun, sure they love seeing their extended families. Sure they get presents. But let us be really honest here. Those moments are fleeting compared to the rest of the expectations put on them.

All on a holiday that is supposed to honor and praise a child who grew up and went through some terrible trials/tribulations so our souls would have the ability for eternal peace.

Why can't we give our children the same?

hopanka · December 2013

Some kids love the excitement of visiting different family members and being busy during the Holidays. I did as well, like jbelle. You cant say most kids dont like it...how do you know that? It works for some, but doesnt for others. Its totally individual. Assess your kids personality, combine with your plans and execute. There really is no black and white answer.

mom2one · December 2013

Now that DS is old enough to decide, Christmas is always with me.

mhwood · December 2013

So, the people that say they shouldn't split the day, do you spend all day at home and not see any family?

twister22 · December 2013

Per the CO I get DS the 23rd at 4p through the 25th at 5p. BD the 25th at 5p through the 26th at 5p. That's what BD wanted... However, last year and this year he instead took DS before the holiday because that's when his family did their Christmas gathering.

ambrvan · December 2013

mhwood said:
So, the people that say they shouldn't split the day, do you spend all day at home and not see any family?

This would be my dream. My family does holidays either the week before our after, always, and I still don't get to go usually. My SIL moved across the country and doesn't come home, ever really, but even before she moved, she bowed out of all family events. She is the smartest person in that family. Seriously.

coopsbaby · December 2013

mhwood said:

So, the people that say they shouldn't split the day, do you spend all day at home and not see any family?

Yep. We don't travel on Christmas day. Ever. It wasn't the best thing for our family and we enjoy it much more this way. We see my parents all the time since they're fairly local, and we go visit dh's parents in January. We used to go see my family on Christmas until I realized how much we all hated the stress and hubbub. This is way better for us.

Hollyhelton · December 2013

Dh has odd number holidays one year even the next, every other weekend and two weeks in the summer. Kinda sucks bc this year he has Christmas Eve 9am-8pm. He works out if town during the week so he won't be able to see his ds till around 6pm. I'm picking his son up though and entertaining him till Dh gets home. I'm concidering it good bonding time for us. Just feel bad for Dh and step son

emme022 · December 2013

We used to always do Christmas with my mom's family Christmas day. Then a few years ago they all decided to do it the Saturday before Christmas instead which has been great, especially now that SO and LO are in my life since it has meant LO has been able to go every year. The last few years we would still go to my aunts house later on Christmas Day with just them and their kids, us and my other aunt and her family. I always thought it was nice, didn't mind having to leave on Christmas etc.

Well this year we ended up staying home all day on Christmas instead. It was our first christmas with LO and SO, LO, me, and my brother all stayed at my parents x-mas eve/day and I have to say I really did enjoy it more. We were able to stay in our pajamas, relax, sleep until 10:30 before waking up to do presents, have a nice dinner together etc. After having done both I understand more where people were coming from and really did prefer it.

Also we do switch on Christmas day(6pm) and I'm still not sure how I feel about that but because of that I'm even more glad we just stayed home. I would have hated to spend most of that time going from place to place instead of enjoying LO playing. YMMV of course...sorry this was so long

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