Please forgive me/vent

cawettig · December 2013

I feel horrible and I want to apologize to all of the loss moms out there. When I lost our twin at 12 weeks I was heartbroken, when we lost our angel at 38 weeks I was broken and a wreck. I am still not functional from her loss. I will never heal 100%. I would have done anything to have her back with us moving around feeling miserable. I wanted to be pregnant and have that connection so bad. I hated hearing how uncomfortable pregnant people where. I hated people who would say "I can't wait until he/she is out of me!" I wanted to go up to them and just give them a piece of my mind!

With that being said, I feel horrible. I am physically miserable! I want to feel good again. I have been pregnant two years in a row with both of these pregnancies physically hard. My body is tired. I am sore everywhere, I am so sick of feeling sick to my stomach and throwing up all the time. I am so sick of not being able to do laundry/dishes with out worrying about if the cramping will stop if I do them. I am so tired of not sleeping because it hurts so bad on my one side then to switch to the other for a hour before that side hurts.

Please forgive me. I feel like venting this out is going to make something bad happen to him. I feel so blessed to have him here. But I am human and I am miserable. I am in tears right now thinking how I hated the people like me who would complain.

Does anyone else feel this same way? Am I the only one who thinks this way? For those who are upset wishing they could be this far pregnant, I understand and I am so very very sorry I am complaining and venting.

I just had to get this off my chest

rattlecanqueen · December 2013

I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Pregnancy is hard- and for some people it's really hard (physically *and*emotionally). I got really judgy when I miscarried, but I hate being pregnant sometimes (which carries a sense of guilt and jealousy of people who "glow"and float through it). Your feelings are completely valid mama. I think it's easy to trivialize growing a tiny human since so many women do that, but that in and of itself is nothing short of a huge feat.

My doctor compared pregnancy to being hijacked by a parasite lol (which if you think about it is true)

Edited bc words are hard.

kate6214 · December 2013

I can't even imagine the toll pregnancy has had on your body. ((((Hugs))) I hope things improve soon.

Dixon813 · December 2013

cawettig I wish I had any words to offer - but I know nothing will help. Just know you have my thoughts and prayers!

mmsweeney1 · December 2013

you are not alone!! After I lost my son at 39 weeks, I was also a physical mess. I felt terrible about losing him, but at the same time I was mourning my old self in a way. Then on top of that is the guilt that you would even think about something as "insignificant" as your own body! If there's one thing I've learned, it's that sometimes we just need to indulge in whatever feelings are there. The bad feelings won't last forever!

Hope you feel better soon

cawettig · December 2013

rattlecanqueen Dixon813 its so nice seeing that other people from the loss board are here too. Thank you for the support, I hope that all of this will bring us our rainbows.

kjsx988 · December 2013

I was super judgey after my miscarriage. I knew so many people who were pregnant when I had my loss and I had to hear about all the complaints of nausea and tiredness and stretch marks. I would get SO MAD. I felt like such a hypocrite when I got pregnant again and was really sick for months and would whine to my husband about how miserable I felt. But pregnancy is hard and loss is hard and all of it is hard and the last thing you need is to bottle up all the emotions!

Bonnesetter27 · December 2013

I don't think you are complaining about being pregnant but that you don't like the symptoms of pregnancy. That is a big difference. You want this little life inside of you but the physical process is very hard. ((Hugs))

Serenla · December 2013

ninthgirl said:
Pregnancy tends to be rough on me. While my loss experience and knowing some friends with IF struggles has taught me to be careful to whom I vent to, I think it is valuable to find some close sympathetic friends who are in the right place to hear your concerns. Just because you so desperately want your baby and would give up your right arm to have him doesn't mean it isn't hard to be making the sacrifices you're making to carry him.

All of this, just because we are so thankful to be pregnant does not mean that it is easy on us. I'm careful who I vent to but I do bitch sometimes.

SA1112 · December 2013

kjsx988 said:
I was super judgey after my miscarriage. I knew so many people who were pregnant when I had my loss and I had to hear about all the complaints of nausea and tiredness and stretch marks. I would get SO MAD. I felt like such a hypocrite when I got pregnant again and was really sick for months and would whine to my husband about how miserable I felt. But pregnancy is hard and loss is hard and all of it is hard and the last thing you need is to bottle up all the emotions!

This. I felt really guilty about whining to my husband because of how mad it used to make me to hear people complain. I didnt realize though how miserable it really can feel to be nauseated and vomiting all the time for months. I'm so thankful to be pregnant but it doesn't make the unpleasant symptoms any less unpleasant. I try to just keep the complaining to my husband and family.

Skeemer · December 2013

SA1112 said:

I was super judgey after my miscarriage. I knew so many people who were pregnant when I had my loss and I had to hear about all the complaints of nausea and tiredness and stretch marks. I would get SO MAD. I felt like such a hypocrite when I got pregnant again and was really sick for months and would whine to my husband about how miserable I felt. But pregnancy is hard and loss is hard and all of it is hard and the last thing you need is to bottle up all the emotions!
This. I felt really guilty about whining to my husband because of how mad it used to make me to hear people complain. I didnt realize though how miserable it really can feel to be nauseated and vomiting all the time for months. I'm so thankful to be pregnant but it doesn't make the unpleasant symptoms any less unpleasant. I try to just keep the complaining to my husband and family.

I'm tagging along with y'all to reassure OP.

Grief does strange things to people. Those of us that have been furious with "complainers" or the likes...that was grief shining at it's worst. And it's nothing we can help. I remember being horrified that someone I go to church with was complaining that they were having "yet another" granddaughter in the family instead of a boy. I wanted to spew, "I'd give ANYTHING to have a healthy baby, despite the gender, here with me! How dare you be upset over something that baby can't help!" It was grief just bubbling inside of me.

As the others have said, both pregnancy & loss are very hard in their own ways. Saying that you don't feel good or you are tired doesn't mean you wish your child away or that you aren't grateful. It doesn't mean that you don't love this child any less or that you wish you weren't pregnant. It just means you're ready for this part of the journey to be over so you can hold your healthy tater tot in your arms & smell that precious newborn scent. Don't be so hard on yourself sweetie (OP). Everyone processess everything differently. Being ready to deliver & feel healthy again doesn't mean you aren't grateful.

ETA: To clarify

joshsmandy · December 2013

This is a hard time for you. Don't feel guilty because your tired of being sore or not sleeping and needing to vent.

angelsnight · December 2013

I could have written this....I feel the same way. I don't think my symptoms are quite as bad as yours. I was still throwing up as recent as a week ago, but it was usually only once a week and I haven't thrown up in over a week (knock on wood) so it wasn't ALL the time. But last night I had terrible constipation and most nights I am getting very uncomfortable and can only imagine what the next three months will bring. I also feel like I've been pregnant forever.

I too hated to hear when people complained after my loss, because all I could think was "at least you're pregnant"...and I am so very grateful to be pregnant. But pregnancy is hard, physically and emotionally. We have to deal with the physical aspects, not to mention the exhaustion of just being pregnant again when we were pregnant for a while not that long ago, it takes a toll on the body. The hormones take a toll emotionally as well as all of the changes going on, not to mention pgal fears, and still mourning our angels.

For anyone that has wanted kids all their life, they dream of when they have them....they don't dream of being nauses, constipated, crampy, uncomfortable, sleep deprived, etc. After my loss I was, and still am angry at the world, so even though not feeling great during pregnancy is normal, it just gave me someone and something to be mad at when there really is no one to be mad at.

Much like, after my mom died I hated hearing about people fight with their mothers over superficial stuff, because I'd never get to talk to mine, hug her, or fight with her again. But deep down I know if she were still here, or even if she could somehow come back, we couldn't live with puppies and rainbows forever. Eventually we would get on each other's nerves and we would fight about something, because we are human. But it doesn't mean I love her any less. Just like getting overwhelemed with not feeling well doesn't mean we love our babies any less, or aren't happy to be expecting them. Big hugs to you....despite all of my stellar reasoning for why you shouldn't feel bad, I feel it too. I think it's normal to complain and feel bad, but I still feel guilty for doing it.

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