It's just too much. A Xmas vent

MommaP12 · December 2013

My mom hosts Xmas eve and we go there that day/night.

MIL hosts Xmas Day so we go there that day/night.

That is all we should be doing every December.

However, my mom is all "we need to all go to your grandmas and put her (4 foot) tree up the 2nd week of December" OK, fine, we go do that. Then, my mom is all "I want us to get together before Xmas eve to exchange gifts so we aren't doing it in front of Grandma, aunts/uncles, etc." Umm, WHY? So fine, we exchanged with my immediate family only on 12/21 at my sister's apartment. If you're keeping score, that's now 4 get togethers total so far in December. Then, we exchange gifts with some close family friends (DDs godmother, etc.) AND my immediate family in mid January. That is 5 get togethers in 4-5 weeks.

Well, it's just too much. We do not need 4+ get togethers to exchange with everyone. It's a PITA for us to schlep to everyone's house with the kids and all these gifts every week (and I can't host in our small condo). And this year, I was FUMING at my mom because we had the damn separate get together with my parents/sisters and THEY ALL STILL GAVE THE KIDS GIFTS TO OPEN ON XMAS EVE!! So what was the point of the separate get together last Sunday??

DH is fuming over this too and he is going to tell my mom that we are NOT having a separate get together next year, at most we can come to Xmas eve at their house a little early, but why even do that when the kids and I STILL opened gifts from them in front of our extended family??

I feel like I have to take back December or I'll never be able to have any time to do traditions that we want to do because we have too many get togethers. We wanted to do a couple of activities with the kids and didn't because there were only 3 weekends between Thanksgiving and Xmas and we had to do something with my family almost every one! DH is handling it because if I do, I'm a horrible daughter, which I know I will be anyway.

BeebopandBuddy · December 2013

I think you're right. Just decide what is feasible for you and make that they schedule. It is nice that people want to get together, but it becomes a lot when little ones are involved. We have had to change our holiday schedule after this year too. Just set your boundary and stick to it!

BPer · December 2013

We've had 6 get togethers since December 15th, with just my ILs, and even more if you count my family. It's that time of year, and it doesn't last that long. I've just grown to accept it.

Hyaline · December 2013

That is rough

My family has been mostly understanding, but I think it helped that DH and I set our "holiday schedule" years ago and stuck to it. It was the sticking to it that makes things easier now--we don't get hassled to "come do this other thing and oh yeah this and we're getting together Sunday, too..." because everyone knows our routine.

It's ok to put your foot down and say enough is enough. The holidays are only going to get busier and more hectic as the kids get older.

cmarie520 · December 2013

I was in your shoes last year. It was exhausting and I didn't enjoy it. Last year after the fact we decided we were going to do one big get together this year. We hosted so it was more work, but everyone came to our house and it was great. DS got to nap at his normal time, in his bed, and our families all get along so it worked out well. We spent Christmas Eve at home just the 3 of us and it was wonderful!

MommaP12 · December 2013

cmarie520 said:

I was in your shoes last year. It was exhausting and I didn't enjoy it. Last year after the fact we decided we were going to do one big get together this year. We hosted so it was more work, but everyone came to our house and it was great. DS got to nap at his normal time, in his bed, and our families all get along so it worked out well. We spent Christmas Eve at home just the 3 of us and it was wonderful!

Yes, it is exhausting and miserable.

This is what DH wants to do. We'll hopefully have a house by next Christmas and he wants to host one big giant Christmas Eve since both sides get along and then be just the 4 of us on Christmas day. That sounds great, but my mom is ADAMANT on having Christmas Eve. I'm sick of her bullying us into celebrating everything her way and have 364 days to think of how to put my foot down on all her demands.

AKB090609 · December 2013

Good luck, I know how hard it can be to put your foot down. DH and I decided when we bought our house that we would be having Christmas at home. It's hard because we are far from our families so if they decide to spend the holiday with us we have a bunch of people in our house and no 'family time'. DH wants it to just be us next year and I don't think it's fair to make my mom be alone on Christmas, so it won't happen.

bosha711 · December 2013

Sorry you've been overwhelmed! I agree it's hard to strike a balance between doing your own family traditions & the want/need to see other family & friends.

We had a tree trimming party at my mom's 2 weeks ago, had Christmas Eve at my SIL's, Christmas morning at our house, then Christmas Day/night at my Mom's. Tomorrow we visit MH's grandma & then my friend's party at night, Saturday is my sister's brunch, and Sunday we go to my cousin's house.

It's a lot!

mrsbhk22 · December 2013

It does sound like too much. We were in a very similar situation a few years ago. After a particularly horrible exhausted kid meltdown, DH and I decided to put our feet down. We do one event per side of the family. We schedule nothing Christmas Day. Everyone is welcome to stop by, but nothing scheduled and we don't leave. We usually don't even get dressed. It took some adjustment from our family but it seriously makes the holidays so much more enjoyable for our kids too.

We made it about the kids. We also told family months in advance so they had time to adjust.

Put your foot down now - it's only going to get worse as LOs get older.

Good luck!!

1fish2fish · December 2013

I think if you deliver your message in a gentle way and set the boundary then you've done your job. You will then not have been mean, defensive, etc., just setting healthy boundary for your family. If mom gets upset then that's on her. She'll get over it eventually and get used to the rules/boundaries you set. You'll just have to tolerate her negative emotions (that's the hardest part!).

Flamingemu · December 2013

I totally get it. DH's parents are divorced and my family is all up in NJ. We were going to NJ twice in December and then splitting time between his family for Christmas Eve/Day. This year we only went to NJ once, FIL's on Eve and MIL/SIL came to us on Day. While that was fine, FIL came over later that afternoon too. Umm, dude, why did we schlep all the way down to your house when you were planning on coming up here anyway? I was pissed.

It is hard, the guilt sucks, but you have to put your foot down and do what is best for your family.

mamaHippo23 · December 2013

After my parents divorced 4 years ago the holidays became a complete disaster, to the point where I started dreading the entire season. This year I put an end to all of it and repeated "I'm sorry, we're not coming" a hundred times. My parents and brother tend to take advantage of me and rarely respect anything I say, so I have to be a hardass or they don't hear me. They are all single, with much more freedom and flexibility, so I get pretty frustrated when they expect me (the broke single mom with a toddler) to bend over backwards to accommodate them. I don't want them to feel sorry for me- just show the tiniest bit of understanding that I can't do things the same way anymore.

W and I had a wonderful time together and I think if my family had been included I would've been too overwhelmed to enjoy all the special little moments that make it worthwhile. I admire those of you that can suck it up and power through the stress- y'all must actually like your families

melody921 · December 2013

I think you're right to feel overwhelmed with this. Put your foot down now and carve out what is important to you and your DH for traditions with your family of four too. My mom/brother/SIL have traditionally come a little early (or we've gone to my mom's a little early) if we want to exchange gifts without the entire extended family there. There's no need for a separate get-together.