needing to vent for a moment (pg/rainbow baby mentioned)

lrichmond86 · December 2013

Warning: rainbow baby mentioned

Since having my rainbow baby I've been very active on my bmb. I love the ladies there, but a thread today really got to me. A regular poster was talking about her disappointment in her birth experience. I can't understand this in the first place bc after losing a child I think any birth experience that results in a healthy baby and mommy is a success. Whatever. I can get past that. What got to me was other moms were talking about "mourning" their birth experience. I guess it was the term mourning that really hit too close to home. When you've mourned your child's death you really know what mourning is. It's not a term that I use lightly and I wouldn't use it to describe something temporary. In my view you mourn something that is permanently gone. A death. The loss of a part of yourself. It hurts when others say they have mourned something less than that. I know there are people who have horrific birth experiences... women who have terrible complications, who lose their ability to have more children. And that's awful. I wouldn't ever take away how awful it is. But it's different than mourning the loss of a loved one, of your baby.

Ugh. Sorry to dump that all out here. Don't feel like you need to respond. I just needed to get it out and I knew this was a safe place for that. I didn't want to hurt any of the moms in my bmb because I know that some of them did have very tramatic birth experiences and I would never want to say anything to them that would cheapen that for them. It's tough to be a loss mom in a world of moms with all of their babies alive and well. I hope no one takes offense to this post. I know it's a touchy subject. Everyone's feelings are valid. Like I said, it was just the terminology they used that felt wrong to me.

BrittianyM · December 2013

Sending hugs your way!

MrsLaurenandDan · December 2013

I feel like I understand where both you, and they are coming from, having had my babies in reverse order (living child, and then loss.) I did mourn my birth experience with my older son, but that mourning was different than mourning Noah.

With Owen, I was never in labor, and had an emergency cesarean at 33w5d that probably could have been avoided. This meant a loss of everything I had expected from birth. I was never in labor, my birth was terrifying rather than happy, I didn't get to see or touch him for hours because he was whisked up from the NICU, didn't get to breastfeed for days, and even then it was very controlled, I had to ask permission, and it was on someone else's terms. And for me, it was a loss. I can never get back that birth experience, or those first 3 weeks of bonding while he was in the NICU. They are gone, and the loss of that time is something I had to mourn. I see it the same was as how many in the IF community talk about mourning the innocence of TTC without treatments. Or people who choose adoption/donor sperm/eggs after IF talk about mourning the loss of a biological child. Is the mourning the same? No. But it is a loss to me.

But I also understand where you are coming from. Mourning our children is the only way we can parent them. And so it is painful to see something you consider "less" to be compared. It's the same as when someone says "Oh I know just how you feel, I lost a pet/grandparent/friend/etc." It's not the same, and the comparison hurts, but that doesn't mean they didn't have a loss and aren't mourning that loss.

Lots of hugs to you. I'm understand how talking to moms that haven't experienced a loss can be difficult sometimes.

lrichmond86 · December 2013

Don't get me wrong... I understand not getting the birth experience you wanted. Even with my rainbow, I had to be induced three weeks early... not something I wanted, but it was medically necessary (and will be with all subsequent pregnancies as its dangerous for me and baby to carry to term) she was under the billi lights for two days and I couldn't hold her without asking first and I wasn't able to breast feed. But I still knew was worth it because i would get to take her home with me. It was just so different. I was so happy to have a living baby.

MrsLauren, I'm sorry your first experience was so difficult. I hope I didn't offend you by I said. And thank you to everyone for your words. I guess it sometimes surprises me how hard it can still be two years out with my rainbow and another baby on the way. I wish I could be less sensative to things like this.

MrsLaurenandDan · December 2013

Not at all. This is actually something I have thought about before, having been on both sides. I often wonder how I will feel about it if/when I get pregnant again.

stefuge · December 2013

***DS mentioned****

I agree with you ladies - having experienced a loss, the idea of mourning takes on a whole new meaning. My birth experience with DS (our first) was extremely traumatic. Similar to PP it was an emergency csection, my son taken to a different hospital, I didn't get to see him for 2 days and then it was in the controlled environment of the NICU. And at the time, it was so awful, I couldn't imagine anything worse. I definitely "mourned" that birth experience.

But now, after having another even more traumatic birth experience to deliver our stillborn son, I had no idea to what extent I would mourn. I think that ladies are using the term not really understanding. People say things all the time without thinking about it, or not realizing how offensive they are being. That is one of the most difficult things I have learned through this experience, people often speak without thinking.

I'm sorry you had to listen to those ladies, and hopefully venting about it helped! ((Hugs))

lrichmond86 · December 2013

Thanks. It did help to get it off my chest. Like I said, I would never say it there because I didn't want to hurt those who had difficult births. It's not the first time the inappropriate use of the term bothered me (my dad's cousin actually told me that she knew what it was like because she "mourned" when her daughter moved out of the house with her infant grandson. Please.) I think we all feel the same way... we wish others could understand, but at the same time we don't want them to have to understand. Thank goodness for the ladies here!

stefuge · December 2013

lrichmond86 said:

Snip

I think we all feel the same way... we wish others could understand, but at the same time we don't want them to have to understand. Thank goodness for the ladies here!

This - completely!

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