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I'd love your opinions on this...

CowgirlK39CowgirlK39 member
in Babies on the Brain
We got together this evening with some of DHs family. This was the first time some of his aunts and uncles have seen SILs baby. MIL jumped up as soon as SIL walked in the door and spent the whole night following the baby everywhere. She sees the baby every single day yet just has to be in her face every second. Poor baby screamed the whole time from all the commotion and prodding. SIL told FIL that she was sick of MILs behavior and that she needed to stop. FIL responded with "no, you need to stop. Let her be. She knows more about taking care of babies than you anyway."

DH and I worry that when our turn comes the bad habits that SIL has allowed will then carry on to us. DH insists he will never allow his mom to obsess over our future child as much as she does our niece, and would never tolerate such a comment from FIL. Poor SIL just sat there, not knowing what to say to such a rude thing and I think that if such comments are made toward us, I will not be able to hold my tongue. What would you do if you were in this situ?
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Re: I'd love your opinions on this...

  • Jags8Jags8 member
    If my MIL acted that way with any of my future kids, I would definitely say something to her. But I can't see mine doing that, and my FIL definitely wouldn't say something like that to me or DH.
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  • annibesannibes member
    That's tough. I don't know what I would do. SIL should probably sit down and talk directly to MIL. For you and your DH, maybe when the time comes, be prepared with the limits you want to set, set them before MIL has a chance to do her thing, and stick to your guns.

    Hopefully your mil chills a little before you have a LO!
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  • Jags8Jags8 member
    Oh also, I plan on wearing my baby. I hate when people are like "awwww come here!" and just grab the baby out of someone else's arms. Can't steal my baby if I'm wearing him/her :)
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  • FemShepFemShep member
    You mentioned that MIL sees the baby every single day. Does MIL provide child care? If so, that's likely part of the problem, especially if it's unpaid childcare. FIL probably sees his wife being "taken advantage of" and feels (wrongly, but understandably) she does know more about taking care of the baby. While it works well for some families, the Working Mothers board is full of horror stories about family care, especially when there's a boundary issue (as is the case here). In any case, OP, be clear about boundaries from the beginning. If your LO needs space, say so, calmly, politely, directly. Don't be afraid to go to another room for privacy and peace and quiet, especially if you're nursing. And use your DH as your most important ally; he can help say, calmly, "Mom, LO gets very upset when she feels crowded. Can you help give us the space we need to calm her down and get used to so many people?"
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  • CowgirlK39CowgirlK39 member
    You mentioned that MIL sees the baby every single day. Does MIL provide child care? If so, that's likely part of the problem, especially if it's unpaid childcare. FIL probably sees his wife being "taken advantage of" and feels (wrongly, but understandably) she does know more about taking care of the baby. While it works well for some families, the Working Mothers board is full of horror stories about family care, especially when there's a boundary issue (as is the case here). In any case, OP, be clear about boundaries from the beginning. If your LO needs space, say so, calmly, politely, directly. Don't be afraid to go to another room for privacy and peace and quiet, especially if you're nursing. And use your DH as your most important ally; he can help say, calmly, "Mom, LO gets very upset when she feels crowded. Can you help give us the space we need to calm her down and get used to so many people?"
    She doesn't really provide care, in the sense that it is needed. She stops by SILs place every day at the same time and holds the baby. She was not asked for this, she just does it. SIL is going back to work this week but has a schedule that allowed her or her DH to be home at any given time. MIL is, literally, obsessed with DN. if someone is holding the baby, she literally is right next to them with her face in the child's face. She BEGS SIL to let her babysit DN without SIL being there. Today we were opening gifts and I finally got to hold the baby, and MIL approached me and asked to take her. I blatantly told her no and to go away. I couldn't help myself, but she steals her from everyone all the time. DH and I agreed that we will have to keep the same mentality when it's our turn because she is just out of hand.
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  • SmallllminSmallllmin member
    Jags8 said:
    Oh also, I plan on wearing my baby. I hate when people are like "awwww come here!" and just grab the baby out of someone else's arms. Can't steal my baby if I'm wearing him/her :)
    This is totally my plan too! I have an irrational fear that my MIL will be like OP's. And then I decided that I would just carry him/her everywhere with me in one of those baby slings :)

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    Dx: Vasa Previa w/DS1
    **Tinymin born 8/14 @35w1d**
    "Annnnnnd you win the award for best SN evar." -LindsRockies

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  • jnnfrrose6jnnfrrose6 member
    CowgirlK39 said:
    You mentioned that MIL sees the baby every single day. Does MIL provide child care? If so, that's likely part of the problem, especially if it's unpaid childcare. FIL probably sees his wife being "taken advantage of" and feels (wrongly, but understandably) she does know more about taking care of the baby. While it works well for some families, the Working Mothers board is full of horror stories about family care, especially when there's a boundary issue (as is the case here). In any case, OP, be clear about boundaries from the beginning. If your LO needs space, say so, calmly, politely, directly. Don't be afraid to go to another room for privacy and peace and quiet, especially if you're nursing. And use your DH as your most important ally; he can help say, calmly, "Mom, LO gets very upset when she feels crowded. Can you help give us the space we need to calm her down and get used to so many people?"
    She doesn't really provide care, in the sense that it is needed. She stops by SILs place every day at the same time and holds the baby. She was not asked for this, she just does it. SIL is going back to work this week but has a schedule that allowed her or her DH to be home at any given time. MIL is, literally, obsessed with DN. if someone is holding the baby, she literally is right next to them with her face in the child's face. She BEGS SIL to let her babysit DN without SIL being there. Today we were opening gifts and I finally got to hold the baby, and MIL approached me and asked to take her. I blatantly told her no and to go away. I couldn't help myself, but she steals her from everyone all the time. DH and I agreed that we will have to keep the same mentality when it's our turn because she is just out of hand.
    Sounds like you are already on your way to how to handle her.  She asked to take DN from you and you straight out told her no.  Already setting expectations and boundaries.  Well done.
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