MIL excessive love

mon611 · December 2013

At my son`s 9 weeks of age, I finally took him to a family gathering of my husband`s most to my mother-in-law`s indirect insists. Unfortunately, everyone there kept kissing him on his cheek very close to his mouth. His aunt I witnessed putting her mouth on his mouth to my greatest shock! My husband and I could do nothing to impede them from this, as the baby was passed from one to another. We decided never to bring him to such places where people do not recognize the way to express their love to a newborn baby. All her children being miles away, my mother-in-law suffers from an empty nest syndrome, as she confesses. She is also experiencing her first grandchild with his oldest and the most beloved son, my husband. She seems to have close ties with us as she always wanted us to be guests at her house, and making delicious dishes, made us stay around all the time. After the baby`s arrival, she has emotionally hurt me a lot. She belittles everything I have done in a very cunning way. Early after my delivery, she kept saying how difficult it was for them at their time to do this or that, and that nowadays grandmoms are to do everything. While I had a successful natural delivery and hopefully my overall condition was good, and managed to do a lot, everything that I didn`t do was because of lack of experience with my firstborn that I would shortly learn in time, but they themselves were very excited to help out, especially in bathing him or cradling him to sleep. All the time she repeats how the baby resembles her son in every possible detail. And whenever the baby cried between his 3-5 weeks, her first guess was aimed at me that it was because of what I had eaten that had upset his stomach or during the first two weeks after the baby was born she said that the milk is not enough and that the baby is hungry. She seems not to address me for anything but heads toward talking to me when she tries to give pieces of advice or to blame me on something. She even keeps talking heatedly about her daughter`s unusual love for her nephew, always telling me to send my baby`s pictures as he develops to her, who is a doctor via email. So my mom, who had sensed these unfair judgments of her about me, has got irritated too and it adds salt to injury. I think it much of a burden emotionally to endure all this unkind treatment, but every time I think about it, I remind myself of the positive things she has done for us. I remember how she helped my Mom when I was recovering after delivery. Or after I got back to attend my part-time job she comes to my Mom`s help. Her excessive love however has made her to keep the baby at her arms all the time, so much so that every time that I want to get him back I need to explain to her the reason for getting him back; or her swinging the baby side to side on her feet, that I have asked her not to do anymore. Every time that I nurse the baby, and she is at our house, she sits exactly in front of me and says you should thank God that you have enough milk for him. This I have heard a couple of times now. She doesn`t speak to me much however, but to give me pieces of advice or to blame on anything or to warn me of something. I wonder what I should do with such paradoxical love of her toward this baby; the more it is towards him, the less it is towards me. I sometimes get tired thinking her behavior is childish and one-dimensional, but again I tell myself it is my loving husband and cutie baby that I am living with, not the interfering she. I just think how unwanted help and excessive care can be destructive and unwelcome. Could you help me cope with this? Does anyone experience these treatments towards them? I love my baby, and I want him to love his grandmother too, but I do not want her to influence the baby in a negative way by her uncontrolled love like what she has done to her son, that she cannot pass one single day without seeing or at least talking to him.

SnoopyLuv · December 2013

This is the strangest, most oddly written MUD ever. Uncontrolled love? Lolz

redhead610 · December 2013

Talk about a wall of text.

mon611 · December 2013

Content rather than words are the focus! I spoke of a burden in my heart, hoping to soothe it. Just telling it is effective in many ways.

SnoopyLuv · December 2013

Are you running your posts through translation software?

PrimRoseMama · December 2013

Ask your husband to talk to her.

Odds are being the favorite son the request will have more weight coming from him.

She needs to stop smothering you. Also, it's out of line keeping a baby from his mother. You are mom so no explanation needed. May I ask what culture your H is from?

My husband's family immigrated from Taiwan. Some Eastern cultures can be overwhelming in their involvement with grandchildren.

ETA : there is a difference between loving on the baby & looking to make a statement by being critical/domineering about it. It's one of those situations that doesn't make sense unless you've experience can over bearing, hypercritical MIL.

CDMay2006 · December 2013

Nicb13 said:

SnoopyLuv said:

Are you running your posts through translation software?

I'm thinking English isn't the first language here....

Her other post was confusing in content and language as well:
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12195525/peanut-allergy#latest

mon611 · December 2013

Charlie1178 said:

Paragraphs. Please use them.

I have used paragraphs, but the message board did not show them. In the following lines I have separated them with slashes.

At my son`s 9 weeks of age, I finally took him to a family gathering of my husband`s most to my mother-in-law`s indirect insists. Unfortunately, everyone there kept kissing him on his cheek very close to his mouth. His aunt I witnessed putting her mouth on his mouth to my greatest shock! My husband and I could do nothing to impede them from this, as the baby was passed from one to another. We decided never to bring him to such places where people do not recognize the way to express their love to a newborn baby./

All her children being miles away, my mother-in-law suffers from an empty nest syndrome, as she confesses. She is also experiencing her first grandchild with his oldest and the most beloved son, my husband. She seems to have close ties with us as she always wanted us to be guests at her house, and making delicious dishes, made us stay around all the time. /

After the baby`s arrival, she has emotionally hurt me a lot. She belittles everything I have done in a very cunning way. Early after my delivery, she kept saying how difficult it was for them at their time to do this or that, and that nowadays grandmoms are to do everything. While I had a successful natural delivery and hopefully my overall condition was good, and managed to do a lot, everything that I didn`t do was because of lack of experience with my firstborn that I would shortly learn in time, but they themselves were very excited to help out, especially in bathing him or cradling him to sleep. All the time she repeats how the baby resembles her son in every possible detail. And whenever the baby cried between his 3-5 weeks, her first guess was aimed at me that it was because of what I had eaten that had upset his stomach or during the first two weeks after the baby was born she said that the milk is not enough and that the baby is hungry. She seems not to address me for anything but heads toward talking to me when she tries to give pieces of advice or to blame me on something. She even keeps talking heatedly about her daughter`s unusual love for her nephew, always telling me to send my baby`s pictures as he develops to her, who is a doctor via email. So my mom, who had sensed these unfair judgments of her about me, has got irritated too and it adds salt to injury./

I think it much of a burden emotionally to endure all this unkind treatment, but every time I think about it, I remind myself of the positive things she has done for us. I remember how she helped my Mom when I was recovering after delivery. Or after I got back to attend my part-time job she comes to my Mom`s help. Her excessive love however has made her to keep the baby at her arms all the time, so much so that every time that I want to get him back I need to explain to her the reason for getting him back; or her swinging the baby side to side on her feet, that I have asked her not to do anymore. Every time that I nurse the baby, and she is at our house, she sits exactly in front of me and says you should thank God that you have enough milk for him. This I have heard a couple of times now. She doesn`t speak to me much however, but to give me pieces of advice or to blame on anything or to warn me of something. /

I wonder what I should do with such paradoxical love of her toward this baby; the more it is towards him, the less it is towards me. I sometimes get tired thinking her behavior is childish and one-dimensional, but again I tell myself it is my loving husband and cutie baby that I am living with, not the interfering she. I just think how unwanted help and excessive care can be destructive and unwelcome. Could you help me cope with this? Does anyone experience these treatments towards them? I love my baby, and I want him to love his grandmother too, but I do not want her to influence the baby in a negative way by her uncontrolled love like what she has done to her son, that she cannot pass one single day without seeing or at least talking to him.

mon611 · December 2013

CFox815 said:

Content rather than words are the focus! I spoke of a burden in my heart, hoping to soothe it. Just telling it is effective in many ways.

1) Nope. If you are putting a document on a public forum and asking for feedback, words count. Otherwise, as is the case here, we have no clue what you're saying. 2) If you are looking to put the words on paper to just relieve some stress, buy a diary.

I am surprised why you think I have sacrificed meaning to bombast! You are blaming me for the language I have used or the expansiveness of it? I didn`t get the point.

Simply said, though I have relieved myself by writing about what tortures me, I think this is devoid of logic to put down such a big piece here for no meaningful reason. I certainly mean something.

And that is the problem I have with my mother-in-law who tries to ignore my every movement. and because she is around most of the time, it bothers me a lot. Her excessive attention about her son and grandchild also turns out to be somehow destructive in the long run. Because she wants to impose her ideas on my way of bringing up the baby.

mon611 · December 2013

redhead610 said:

Talk about a wall of text.

You can ignore this wall if you do not want to take the time and read it.

SnoopyLuv said:

This is the strangest, most oddly written MUD ever. Uncontrolled love? Lolz

What`s wrong with my writing Snoopy? English is not my first language as I have professed elsewhere here, but it doesn`t mean that I do not know what I am writing or try to write rubbish. You are insulting and it is not fair.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

The user and all related content has been deleted.

mon611 · December 2013

I want to solve the problem not to get away from it by separation from my loving husband!

HisChamaoleGirl · December 2013

What boundaries have you put in place? What conversations have you had with MIL about the actions that make you uncomfortable? If you don't go to the source of the problem, how do you expect it to be fixed? And who said anything about separating "from my loving husband?"

mon611 · December 2013

I have said enough about those conversations. your quoting my loving husband has a funny weight.. Now I got a clue ...she is much tolerable than many of commentators who write here. LOL They try to find a way to ridicule rather than pinpoint to find a solution.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

The user and all related content has been deleted.

HisChamaoleGirl · December 2013

Quoting what people are posting is pretty common around here. I'm not sure what you found funny about it

mon611 · December 2013

stlucia_wife said:

Solution- call her out. Stop bitching. Nothing can get better if you say nothing. And who said to leave your loving husband?!

This is a solution that I cherish most. Thanks! Wrong what I did.

mon611 · December 2013

CFox815 said:
----------------------------- Ok, Nigerian prince, how much money should I wire you?

Huh?

mon611 · December 2013

CFox815 said:

stlucia_wife said:

Solution- call her out. Stop bitching. Nothing can get better if you say nothing. And who said to leave your loving husband?!

This is a solution that I cherish most. Thanks! Wrong what I did.
----------------------- Congrats, St. Lucia! She cherishes you the most!!! OP, why don't you write your MIL a letter? I'm sure you would be able to get your point across through your writing.

Why should I write to her as long as I can speak to her. & I have spoken a couple of times to her.

mon611 · December 2013

karissa2009 said:

I'll echo PrimRoseMama on this. Since you admit English is not your primary language, I'm going to go ahead and assume you at the very least have a different cultural background than most posters here. We can give you advice for how WE would deal with the problem, but that may not work in your culture. It might be completely taboo for all we know. Also, I hate to say it, but I think something has been "lost in translation"--literally. A mother loving her son and grandchild is normal in most societies. But being condescending or rude to his wife is not ok (at least in my book). You wrote a very long post that is difficult to read, not only due to formatting but also vocabulary. Maybe some clarification on what his mother does? Some examples?

I agree that we are of different backgrounds, but I do not think all of you share same relationship patterns with your MILs. It differs from family to family based on the way people choose to behave toward one another. So I think my language failure is only on the linguistic basis and cannot be expanded to the cultural side.

In fact, my MIL has had a difficult life in early youth, having had a couple of losses of her beloved ones. So she is doting on her children, and very much possessive of them, much to a great extent that she cannot get friendly with me, as she unconsciously blames me for taking her son away from her (she has said this to me in early marriage). My own childhood has been involved in a war and I sort of feel obsessed that I need a respectful relationship with people all the time. So I always try to make out ways to get closer to her, but her indifferent ways always repels me. hence the gap widens!

I wanted to talk about it in a discussion group to read others` ideas and be able to consider the issue from different angles. That`s why I sought your ideas on this.

Littlemama01 · December 2013

OP, I can sympathize with you, my mil is also constantly saying things about how he's crampy after I feed him. Or "did Maya's milk make your tummy sore?". I know my baby gets gassy, we burp him..my mil is staying with us now so sometimes I bring him to her to burp him..until he burps he's fussy...but all I can say is ignore it. It's not worth taking it personally or getting into drama over it. Just keep your distance, maybe visit weekly instead of daily, or bi-weekly etc...also, I think it's normal to talk to your parent every day, I talk to my mom daily, so that part is sort of irrelevant.

PrimRoseMama · December 2013

@mon611 : where are you from? What language is your first?

mon611 · December 2013

PrimRoseMama said:

@mon611 : where are you from? What language is your first?

I am from Iran, I am a Persian Turk. My mother tongue is Turkish, rather than the national tongue which is Persian or Farsi.

Kfran84 · December 2013

Problem: "Every time that I nurse the baby, and she is at our house, she sits exactly in front of me and says you should thank God that you have enough milk for him. This I have heard a couple of times now."

Solution: Find a room with a door that locks. Problem solved. No more creepy MIL shit-talking you while you feed.

Boundaries are your friend.

MrsH8611 · December 2013

I definitely see what you're saying. I've been in the same boat. And commenting on one of the above posts about you being mean that she is "loving your child too much," well I'm sorry but there is too much. And there is no way to write that in a nice way. We dealt with the same from my MIL to where my husband barely talks to his own mom anymore. She is just ridiculous. Obviously there is more to the story on it, but I do see where you are coming from.

Just have your SO talk to your MIL, but together so you know you message is getting through and he's not just letting it slide with an "ok" to get the conversation over with. Make him more of a referee for the conversation, is more what I mean. When I decided to talk to my MIL over the issues we had and after what I thought was a successful, friendly conversation, was just an act on her part which followed with her barely talking to me and telling other family members I'm taking away her baby boy (my 26year-old husband) So whatever path you choose, good luck!!

mon611 · January 2014

MrsH8611: I have decided to take an indifferent side, though I have always wished to be on a kind and enjoying relationship with my MIL, and I have ever tried a lot to acheive it. Many a time I have helped her with things she does for her home while my pregnancy, and though I was a working to-be-Mom. Unfortunately she has made it clear to me that she doesn`t account what I 'say' to be serious or anything. She just ignore it. Even when I want to speak something she interrupts it and says her own idea.

The issue these days for example, is our going to their house weekly. We went there last week but it was rather cold in their spacious house, rather different from ours that DS is used to in ours. I all the time say: probably it`s better for you to come and visit him until the weather gets warmer. But each time she calls and pleads: Aren`t you coming? We are waiting for you.

Or she repeatedly, I say repeatedly, calls her son and emphasizes to go there. It`s below 15 degrees C and taking a two and a half month baby to a semi-cold house for the whole day is just expecting too much!

Unfortunately, or fortunately, my husband is not a kind of guy to break with his family. I don`t choose to call myself self-abasing, but I do not want him to lose his bond with his family because of my relationship to his mother. In fact, at most occasions that I have nagged about his Mom, he asks me to ignore it, and reminds me that it`s him I am living with not her.

Thanks for your sympathy, by the way.

Gatorsgirl731 · January 2014

I feel like I am reading Yoda's diary.

PrimRoseMama · January 2014

aceboom said:
I would first like to apologize for the negative, insensitive, immature, erratic, and disgusting responses.

@aceboom : are you reading the same thread I am? I think you are majorly over reacting.

As far as the "loving LO too much"... I think this was a translation error. I think that boundaries are a cultural issue here.

Having an MIL from an Eastern culture is very very different. I don't want to make too many blanket statements, but generally, it's been my experience (& other western mothers that married into a different cultures that I know) that boundaries don't really exist. It's unheard off to not allow your in laws in your house any time they want. You dishonor/disrespect your MIL if you say anything in disagreement.

So she could talk to her MIL directly but that might not work. You have to "play the game". Get your husband to talk to his mother for you, OP. He may be able to "pull rank" & get her to listen about the things that make you uncomfortable. He will always carry more weight for her than you. That might be the most effective way to get your needs met.

Good luck.

PrimRoseMama · January 2014

Parisdreamer said:
I'm surprised at how rude people are on the board. It looks loke some of the ladies on this board need to get a life other than insulting other women on the internet.

I honestly haven't seen anyone behaving rudely. This is a huge over reaction on your part.

Parisdreamer said:
If you don't like what she wrote, then why bother writing a response? And to make fun of the way someone speaks? Looks like we have a bunch of ladies who are unhappy with themselves. Vent over.

To address your points:
-- people can & will respond to any thread in any way they want.

-- there are spammers & others that come on here with made up stuff. Often they sound contrived & so it's common to mistake someone using an online translator for English is someone trolling. I get the feeling you haven't been here long enough to observe this. Lurk more.

-- I'm not at all unhappy with my life.

PS- generalizations about an entire group are always bad.

mon611 · January 2014

PrimRoseMama

You are mentioning an issue that I can concur with at many instances. There are many cases where an MIL has a great influence here, and that`s due to the respect the younger are to show toward the olders. Personally, I am a behaviorist kind myself always trying to keep people around me content and that makes things difficult. In fact my husband is less sensitive to what others feel about the effect of what you do has created among people. So while I see little ability in me trying to seclude myself from my MIL in cases that she meaningfully interferes, my husband would deny it to be respect at all, given all his respect toward his mother. He just means this: respect her while it is logical. But it seems my MIL gets annoyed when I do something logical in my husband`s mind!

Besides that he doesn`t even care in what terms we are toward each other. He enjoys his time when he meets her, and expects me to be so. Cannot tolerate much negative comments on my side, though. Probably because he can do nothing about it. There are some cases throughout our marriage that he spoke about our relationship to her, but now that he couldn`t get any results, as she had said to him that she cannot -read it may not- change herself now at her age, he evades speaking directly to her about it, as it adds more fuel to the fire.

mon611 · January 2014

ParisDreamer

Thank you for your sympathy. I myself go shocked about others blaming me for my language. Firstly, I had never contributed to any english forums before this, and this sort of being invaded was new to me. But the fact that real people are voicing their ideas, appeals to me.

I have put a life time learning English on my own, being far from an English setting, no native of Eng language have I ever spoken face to face, but relied on myself to learn it. Then studied it in university, and got involved in its literature.

I have now graduated about 4 years ago, but have tried to keep my supply of English updated by reading books and listening to podcasts. This reaction on people`s side made me rethink that my efforts haven`t been enough. I should not just cherish inside that I know how to write, but I shall try to get my writing better and understandable, and that needs more practice on writing besides listening and reading. I am happy they enlightened me.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I heard what I had actually done, saying that this is the doctor`s advice to do this or that. She might go on...e.g. don`t stay at home, we went lots of places when our kids were still babies, she means go get to those family gatherings where people kiss our baby! as one example of our differing ideas.

mon611 · January 2014

I am a real person, I am not a MACHINE! by the way!

calicoast · January 2014

I agree with talking to your husband about his mother. He has more weight because that's his mom. My culture has the same problem, I'm Latina and Latina moms are crazy with their boys....I've seen it with my mom and aunts. I call out my mom though when she's being crazy about the girls my bro dates. It's pretty funny actually. I think you should not take your husbands moms comments to heart. Play the game, tell her she's crazy. Lol. (I'm more outspoken about calling people out though). Good luck!!

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