Two years ago today (loss mentioned heavily)

LLBean2012 · December 2013

So two years ago today....I was sitting in my bathroom, tearing up at seeing the word "PREGNANT" on a little stick. Two years ago today, I woke my husband up with giddy singing of "it's going to be a good Christmas!" After seven months of trying (I'm no spring chicken), we were finally having a baby!! It will always be a special day in my book. Two years and two months ago before that, I was crying in that same bathroom about being pregnant. We weren't married yet (both on our second marriage), but were serious. We had an oopsie, and I remember being so upset that my perfect life was disrupted. (My husband already had two boys and I was fairly certain I didn't need kids of my own). I was surprised by the pregnancy, although we never considered any options other than a quickie wedding (complete with flowy waist dress that still sits in my closet to this day). I still remember being at the doctor's office for the confirmation appointment, and everyone congratulating me, and thinking: "What? Wait? Me? I'm not ready for a baby?" But over the next four weeks I got very used to the idea. Warmed to it. Warmed to (quickly) marrying my now wonderful husband and having a baby. And on our initial sonogram, they couldn't find a heartbeat. I knew the second the tech asked "have you had any cramping or pains?," something wasn't right. And I cried. Again. Cried for the life we discovered we lost that day. But my husband I learned something that day, although the realization didn't set in for a while. We wanted a baby together. We wanted a life together. And be damned, we were both ready to get married again. I think of that baby on a regular basis. I have a friend who was pregnant at the same time, and I think of how that baby would be the same age as her little girl is now. And I grieve for that life we lost. But everyday I look at my beautiful 15-month old girl, I think how she might not be here...in fact, I might not be at the happy station I am in life, if it wasn't for that sweet baby that we lost. It's funny, this life, how it works out the way it's meant to be. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. And two years ago today, I was the happiest I think I have ever been. This day will always be special to me. For the life it gave me, and for the life I (unfortunately) lost. It will always be bittersweet, but it will always be in my heart. And I think that's the best rememberance I can provide. Thank you for listening to me. I just needed to say it today.

Stasi · December 2013

This made me cry. Thank you so much for sharing your loss story here with us. We have so much to be grateful for, even me angel babies in heaven. Big hugs!

LLBean2012 · December 2013

Thank you @stasi. I did screw up my math (I write for a living, not a math major). My first loss was two years and two months before the BFP 12/22/11. I don't know how to edit a post, or I would fix it. Will try. I know you have been through the same. Didn't mean to drag anyone through, just needed to express it.

ShadowsRainFalls · December 2013

You are a beautiful person, @LLBean2012 Thank you for sharing your story. Def made me cry. You are very well written.

ellebee2 · December 2013

Beautifully written.

My condolences for your loss.

tinyhumantoe · December 2013

Hugs

tinyhumantoe · December 2013

I love our angel babies. Just as much as our babies we have now. They are all part of us and who we are now.

Cheenomae · December 2013

Thank you for sharing. Hugs!

Unknown · December 2013

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Eastie156 · December 2013

This made me tear up. Thanks for sharing and ((hugs))

Holly_1007 · December 2013

Hugs mama. What a great way to remember that little one

LLBean2012 · December 2013

Thank you, ladies, for letting me be selfish and express myself yesterday. I know it's a super-sensitive topic, but the more people keep miscarriage 'hush-hush,' the less women will feel the support of their community when they need it most. I appreciate this board so much--lurk in the evenings, post when I can. I enjoy seeing your little ones (and getting tips on toys, development, etc) here and on IG. Thank you for the supportive, sweet replies to my post. It meant the world to me.

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Two years ago today (loss mentioned heavily)

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