Pregnancy announcements: how soon?

LittleLunarMouse · December 2013

So I was at an annual Christmas party this weekend that our group of friends has every year, and one of the gals who was recently married announced she was pregnant. Everyone was all ecstatic for her of course, and we asked her how far along she was/how long she had known. She revealed that she had taken a pg test that morning and discovered she was pregnant!!

I was flabbergasted that she would share that info so soon. I made the mistake of telling people around 5 weeks, and then had to tell them all when I miscarried at 9 weeks. It was horrible enough to have to deal with the loss, but having to tell people over and over again was almost worse.

I was happy for her, but also concerned if, god forbid, something did happen and she ended up losing the baby.

I know my experience makes me more wary than most, but I don't think I'll be announcing anything until I'm out of my first trimester (not currently pg).

What about you ladies? When did you announce? Right away? Once you felt it was "safe"? What are your thoughts on a "good time" to make the announcement?

kcisthebombdotcom · December 2013

I think it depends on the individual personality. Many people don't mind sharing news early as they feel they'd get comfort and support from family and friends if the unthinkable happened. For me I would have wanted some privacy with my husband to grieve a pregnancy loss so we waited until 13 weeks. The second time around we told at 11 weeks since we had our whole family together at once for Father's Day and we had ds wear a big brother shirt. However, we had already had a successful ultrasound and heard the heartbeat.

kerbear135 · December 2013

like you, OP, I experienced a m/c (3 days after our BFP so we hadn't told anyone yet)....so when we got pregnant the 2nd time we told the family after our first ultrasound (so 7 weeks ish) and waited until the 2nd trimester to tell everyone else....and we'll probably do something similar if we have another

Mysterious_wife · December 2013

It's none of your business when someone tells. It's up to them and what they feel is comfortable

LittleLunarMouse · December 2013

Never said it was, just asked about everyone else's experiences with the decision, that's all. I obviously didn't say anything to her other than congratulations.

SmileyJay · December 2013

I think this is something that just depends on the person. The type of person who is willing to share something so private immediately after finding out is probably the type that would really benefit from the sort of public support from people knowing about a loss. DH and I are both very private and don't like attention. For example, he didn't tell his family we were even buying a house until a week before closing. We just don't like all the fuss and prying.

When I get pg it will be up to him when to share with his family and me for mine. For me, that will be around the 13 week mark, for him probably just whenever I start to show. I hate the idea of people asking me for months and months "how are you feeling" or prodding about gender, names, etc. so the longer we can hold that off the better! But I am also the type that if I did experience I miscarriage I would not want to discuss anything with anyone other than DH. He and I are very close and we talk about everything... I don't need a pat on the back from anyone else and it would just make me feel worse. A few years ago I lost my cat to a heart disorder and he was my baby, I absolutely hated all the "I'm so sorry's" and people basically wanting me to want to cry to them. Some people just want to be left alone! But, I also understand that there are some people who find a lot of comfort in talking it out with others and maybe don't have such a strong friendship with their husband.

I think it is perfectly fine to share whenever someone is ready. For some that is the 4 week mark... for others it is 16 weeks. We are all different!

NerdyLucy · December 2013

If/when I get pregnant, I would like to wait at least 12 weeks before announcing. Of course, I've never actually been in that situation, so I'm not sure how it would go down.

LittleLunarMouse · December 2013

@MandJS I have not, thank you for the link!

@uconnhuskie007: zero judgement for her decision, I was just surprised that's all. To each her own, I was just curious how everyone handled their own announcements. I wasn't judging her for making that choice, and if it came off that way then it was a failure of my word choice.

DebateThis · December 2013

Whenever the woman feels comfortable doing so.

Pregnancy is enough of a mindfuck without a woman being judged for some sort of societal norms about keeping quiet "just in case something happens so everyone else isn't uncomfortable".

It does suck to have to un-tell people, but IME it didn't make a hellish experience even worse, if that makes sense. The whole experience sucks whether you've told people or not. And the outpouring of support and women telling me they'd had losses too was tragic but comforting.

lifeonthehill · December 2013

We plan to share after we hear a heartbeat. In this day and age it feels like things are on FB before you have time to say "we are but don't share yet!" so we just decided to tell everyone. If we have had a loss we would have two wonderful families to rally around us if we needed it and hopefully they are wonderful enough to back away if we asked. Plus the support of friends.

I think it varies based on how you would deal with a loss if it did occour. Some people want to be alone in it and some don't. I have to aunts (sisters) one who announced eight early pregnancies and sorrowfully announced two miscarriages. My ohter aunt told nobody until the 2nd trimester and announced her two losses a few years after they had happened. She wasn't ready to share until then. Also I graduated with a girl who has lost three sons now all at 30ish weeks. She announces early each time. I guess I am just saying it is all individual.

PunkyBooster · December 2013

To each her own. I have 2 friends who miscarried after 20 weeks. Hell my coworker delivered a still born at 35w after a perfectly good ultrasound earlier in the week. There's no safe time, IMO.

I told our parents at 10w and everyone else at 14w.

PunkyBooster · December 2013

Dup

111emd · December 2013

I've actually been having a little bit of announcement remorse. My husband and I were trying for almost 2 years and many of our close friends and family knew that. So when I found out (at 5 weeks) I really wanted to tell everyone. I've told all our close friends and my family finds out tomorrow. I am totally regretting telling people. I know you shouldn't think negatively, but I am trying to think realistically and you never know what can happen.

On one hand, I hope and pray and feel very positively that this pregnancy will go to term and if it doesn't I will want the support of our good friends and our family. On the other, I wish had waited just another month or so. If we have a #2 I think I will definitely wait. I think telling early gave me so much more anxiety than I would have had if we waited till I could hear the heart beat.

That being said, I've only been lurking the boards for a few weeks and I can see that this is a very widely (and passionately) debated topic. Each mother get's to choose when she tells, I wouldn't want to pass judgement on them just as I'd hope they wouldn't on me.

111emd · December 2013

DebateThis said:

Whenever the woman feels comfortable doing so.

Pregnancy is enough of a mindfuck without a woman being judged for some sort of societal norms about keeping quiet "just in case something happens so everyone else isn't uncomfortable".

THIS! I think I've been thinking that since finding out I was pregnant, but didn't have those words. I think that is pretty brutally honest. The women who I've seen encouraging women to wait are usually women who've experienced a loss and most of them say the same thing, "Then I would run into someone and they would ask, find out it didn't go to term and then feel awful and embarrassed."

I think I would be ok sharing my story (I've been blogging about our fertility troubles since last year) in the event of a loss...but it's dealing with making OTHERS uncomfortable that I am terrified of. Thanks for that comment, it totally hit home with me just now.

dragonfly711 · December 2013

Depends on the person. I told work and family at 9 weeks just to Mmc at 11 1/2 w. I was glad I did because I had a huge support system. ( I never posted on Facebook however).

I am pregnant again and told mom right away and my best friend.

My boss I had to tell at 7 w due to spotting and me freaking out due to past Mmc.

I just told everyone else at work at 12 weeks after I had my NT scan.

Now that I am out of first tri we are ok telling everyone.

Having a mc can really make you cautious. I personally would not tell everyone the day I got my positive but to each their own I guess.

DeannaCW · December 2013

Not TTC yet, but I'm going to be at higher risk of miscarriage due to lupus, so I have actually thought about this quite a bit. I'm a very private person by nature, so we probably won't tell very many people before the 12 week scan. SIL can't keep a secret to save her life (ie, has announced other people's engagements on FB before they did) so she'll be in the "everyone else" category simply because telling her will mean telling everyone else. Right now we're thinking maybe parents only until then. Not sure about the siblings who can keep secrets, since we dont' want drama.

dogperson11 · December 2013

I'm 5 weeks along with our first baby and we announced in person to my immediate family on Christmas morning (got an awesome video). We live in another state and I really wanted to tell them in person. We plan to tell my husbands family next week, also in person. We've each told a few close friends but we won't be making it "Facebook official" for several more weeks (not sure if we'll wait until the full 12 weeks or not).

PB&J714 · December 2013

Congrats @dogperson11 !! Wishing you a happy, healthy 9 months!

As for when I will tell, I really have no idea. Both DH and I have a hard time keeping exciting news to ourselves. I would like to think that when we get pg with our first we will tell family/close friends who can keep a secret first, work second, everyone else third. It is such a personal decision that no matter when someone tells, it's up to them whether or not the time is right.

LunaGirl28 · December 2013

I think about this question a lot, as we're about to TTC. For me personally, I think I would tell close family and friends after a few weeks only because I would tell them if we miscarried. If they are close enough to me, I feel like it would be better to have the support if something horrible happened. I'm also a pretty private person, but I don't know.. keeping such a tragic event secret would weigh heavy on my heart (that's not to say I'd be yelling it from the rooftops!).

I sometimes wonder how the whole 12 weeks rule before announcing became so common. I know the risk is less after the 1st trimester, but the way I see it, there is ALWAYS a risk. Anything can happen. Of course that is just my opinion though -- do what is good for you!

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