Down syndrome

Fy1124 · December 2013

My husband has a 21 year old brother with down s. and idk if I just don't know how to deal with that or if I'm rite, I feel like nobody disciplines him and he does whatever he wants, when he doesn't like what you tell him he'll just ignore you and it just bugs me very much...he doesn't have it very severe which is why i think it bugs me even more that nobody tells him anything. Ex. if were at a party and he sees a girl (any girl) he will say something inaproporiate in a kinda flirty way or he will ask her out to dance, doesn't matter if she's single, married, or taken and while this is ok with most people some people just don't care how the person is they just don't like that and my husbands family thinks it's funny/cute for him to do this stuff and I'm just there like uhmm no that's not rite someone needs to tell him to stop that! Things like this big the hell out of me! I feel like these kids should be treated no different than normal kids so they don't feel any more different from them...idk it could just be me??

Meandthey · December 2013

I work in a group home an a day program with adults with these mental disabilities I also have a cousin who has downs. I do have to say that he is an adult an everyone should treat him as an adult. Yes he can't prob live on his own an needs assistants with things. But to answer ur for example situation it's the other girls right to turn him down. It to should be the family's obligation if he gets pushy to explain he can't do that. He isn't a child legally so u shouldn't have to punish him like one. I do understand ur frustrations but you have to understand he has human rights even if there mental capacity isn't the same as u or I.

Fy1124 · December 2013

Yes I do agree with what your saying he does have human rites but he is different from us, I guess I'm just coming from seeing them being independent on a show I once watched which made me think of how independent they really can be when they aren't treated any different from normal kids...my husband once told me they don't treat him any different and I was just like psshh yeeeaaa rite! I feel like if he didn't have that disability they would be so much more strict on him...sometimes I just need to vent about in laws #:-S

PinupMomma08 · December 2013

I feel like your being a tad insensitive. His family knows his capabilities best.

benevolentforce · December 2013

The impact of downs is a sliding scale. Each person is different and has different capabilities, and as such can have different levels of standardized social behavior expected of them. I bet it'd be frustrating for them to hear that you don't think they're trying hard enough (or that he's trying hard enough) to meet an arbitrary standard for social acceptance when that may be the best everyone can do.

Speaking of which, feeling umcomfortable about the behavior may be the best you can do. You should feel free to remove yourself from the situation if it makes you uncomfortable. However, judging them isn't a great position to take, nor is trying to gather support for your judgement. The playing field isn't level here, and it's not right to expect people to pretend and act as if it is. But, everyone can certainly try their best, and give everyone else the benefit of the doubt that it is the best they have to offer.

Just my two cents.

my1stbabyat23 · December 2013

They should be treated differently that's why it is called special needs. Now in the way he behaves toward women should be corrected by his family because it is not his fault. He does not understand he is doing the wrong thing! Their life is very difficult and so is the family who goes through this with him everyday. Have a little bit of patience and try talking to your husband about it.

Momstheword83 · December 2013

Are you being serious rite now? You're complaining about an in-law with Down syndrome? You're bil mite not be able to comprehend everything you want him to......

babylimas · December 2013

This seems more like a misunderstanding on your end. If he has Down Syndrome, he has DS, it's not a matter of severity. You can assess his functioning level, but that's hard to do as an outsider. (Looks have absolutely nothing to do with mental capacity, which often trips people up.) In the end he still has that extra chromosome, and can't be treated just as a normal person. Also his intellectual abilities don't necessarily correlate with his social development.

In my mind it sounds like this is more about you being uncomfortable with him than with what he is actually doing. Why should asking someone to dance be punished? He sounds incredibly outgoing and friendly (which is typical with DS). If he is saying something inappropriate to you, there is nothing wrong with speaking up to him just as you would to a chromosomally normal man. Tell him it bothers you and isn't nice.

YankeePeach08 · December 2013

Fy1124 said:

My husband has a 21 year old brother with down s. and idk if I just don't know how to deal with that or if I'm rite, I feel like nobody disciplines him and he does whatever he wants, when he doesn't like what you tell him he'll just ignore you and it just bugs me very much...he doesn't have it very severe which is why i think it bugs me even more that nobody tells him anything. Ex. if were at a party and he sees a girl (any girl) he will say something inaproporiate in a kinda flirty way or he will ask her out to dance, doesn't matter if she's single, married, or taken and while this is ok with most people some people just don't care how the person is they just don't like that and my husbands family thinks it's funny/cute for him to do this stuff and I'm just there like uhmm no that's not rite someone needs to tell him to stop that! Things like this big the hell out of me! I feel like these kids should be treated no different than normal kids so they don't feel any more different from them...idk it could just be me??

It sounds like you don't know how to deal with special needs people. Perhaps you should spend some more time with him and those who assist him so you can learn how to compassionately handle these situations which are "bigging" you instead of sounding like a spoiled brat.

Honestly it sounds like you are embarrassed of him and how he acts in social situations (ex. asking women to dance who may not be interested in dancing).

I think you shouldn't judge how your ILs have raised him when you have never been in the position to care for or raise a special needs child, I can't imagine that it is easy or that there is one right way.

So you ONCE watched a TV SHOW that portrayed how independent SOME people with DS are and you think that ALL people with DS should act the way that those in that ONE TV EPISODE did (or at least your BIL should act that way).

Lastly, I've got news for you, parenting is hard, raising kids is hard and I can not even begin to imagine how difficult it is to parent and raise a special needs child...obviously you can't either. You do have a right to vent and express your opinion but really, you are judging how your ILs raised their DS son. I can't wait until someone criticizes a parenting decision you make.

crystaljoanna · December 2013

So it bothers you that while at a party he asks women to dance with him?! Really?! Previous posters have been very nice to you. It is clear as a day to me that you need to quickly develop some compassion and understanding for your BIL and his family.

YankeePeach08 · December 2013

Also, maybe you should post this on the special needs boards as those ladies have first hand knowledge of raising special needs kids and can tell you if your ILs are doing it "right"

ceh789 · December 2013

crystaljoanna said:

So it bothers you that while at a party he asks women to dance with him?! Really?! Previous posters have been very nice to you. It is clear as a day to me that you need to quickly develop some compassion and understanding for your BIL and his family.

I thought she was bothered that some people accept and dance with him and she thinks they should... scream and run away?

YankeePeach08 · December 2013

ceh789 said:

crystaljoanna said:

So it bothers you that while at a party he asks women to dance with him?! Really?! Previous posters have been very nice to you. It is clear as a day to me that you need to quickly develop some compassion and understanding for your BIL and his family.

I thought she was bothered that some people accept and dance with him and she thinks they should... scream and run away?

or that some people are uncomfortable with being asked to dance by a man with DS...clearly she is uncomfortable.

KariB509 · December 2013

I do think he should be treated like an adult as much as possible but it needs to be understood that no matter the severity he still has Down's syndrome and therefore has some cognitive impairment.

crystaljoanna · December 2013

YankeePeach08 said:
Also, maybe you should post this on the special needs boards as those ladies have first hand knowledge of raising special needs kids and can tell you if your ILs are doing it "right"

Great idea!!! I totally recommend this!

SassyFlats · December 2013

I mean, he sounds like a sweet and friendly guy. I'm married but if a guy with DS asked me to dance, I probably would do it. It might make his day.

I think you're just uncomfortable, and that's fine... you can be uncomfortable if that's how you feel. But as uncomfortable as it may be, nothing you described is so terrible that he should be told to stop, in my opinion. Some women he asks to dance may feel awkward and turn him down. That's fine. But others may be perfectly happy to dance with an ongoing, sweet guy with DS and see it as an opportunity to make him very happy and to get to know a fellow human being a little better.

But I could just be weird. I believe I've mentioned I don't really conform to "normal" standards of social interaction... I just don't see who this is hurting. :-\"

Sanibel21 · December 2013

I'm confused by OP's decision to actually post this...

rockopera · December 2013

I think it's just you. You sound young and judgmental and lacking in empathy for your family. What you have described does not sound inappropriate. No, in most cases you cannot just treat special needs individuals as "normal" so they feel and act "normal." That is incredibly offensive and really shows you do not have the knowledge of the situation to make judgment calls on how your ILs choose to care for and have raised their son.

Not sure what you are looking for here, but you aren't going to get "oh yeah, show the family how right you are and make him never talk to women."

p.s. The word is spelled "right" not "rite."

AriaAmante143 · December 2013

I'm surprised how tame the responses have been. I find OPs post more than a little offensive. Should your BIL be "seen and not heard" simply because he has DS?? The interactions you described don't sound inappropriate to me at all, it's his way of interacting in social situations. You simply sound embarrassed to be around him, which is awful. You need to do some growing up and possibly some volunteering with people with special needs, because you obviously aren't comfortable being around them.

Also, the word you're looking for is right. RIGHT.

babylimas · December 2013

I'm glad you guys felt as I did. I wasn't sure if it was me being sensitive so I was trying to be nice about it.

YankeePeach08 · December 2013

babylimas said:
I'm glad you guys felt as I did. I wasn't sure if it was me being sensitive so I was trying to be nice about it.

I've been waiting for someone to really let lose on her, secretly hoping it would be you.
Larry would get a tasty lunch if this was XPed onto the special needs board.

katykatykaty · December 2013

I'm pretty sure this OP's husband is the one that drives drunk and also hit her while he was drunk? I think maybe you should be focusing more on that and less on your BIL with Down Syndrome.

ETA: I honestly didn't mean for that to sound as rude as it did... I just think you have bigger issues than worrying about your BIL asking women to dance.

LittlePigeon · December 2013

I would seriously recommend trying to educate yourself on people with disabilities if this is something that is causing you stress. Seeing a show about people with DS once doesn't really give you great knowledge and perspective on the subject. It comes off a little bit like saying, "I'm not a racist. I have a friend who is mixed/black/Latino/purple/etc." It is a cop-out.

WoodShopGirl · December 2013

Is this another truth or dare from another BMB? It has to be with this level of ignorance and poor diction.

NorBar39 · December 2013

I have a 25 year old brother with Down syndrome and I am going to be extremely forward because I feel like I can understand your husbands point of view....be very careful. You are an inlaw. My brother pretty severe on a sale I suppose but I completely agree with everyone saying that you seem embarrassed. I'm not saying that is unusual because you are not used to this. But honestly, my David says hi to EVERYONE and Asks them to enjoy the sermon no matter where we are. (He is a church greeter and takes his job seriously

I agree with you that there sill needs to be boundaries but please be super super careful. They have loved and cared for him for 21 years and he has shown them a love they didn't know existed. How long have you been in the family? Don't put them in a position where they have to choose between you and him-you will lose. He is a 21 year old boy who is flirting with a girl-sounds completely normal to me.

ChristineRich06 · December 2013

I do not disagree with you. My younger brother has a semi mild case of DS. There are different levels. My brother got away with a lot when he was younger. More so because he spent a couple of years in a wheelchair, not related to DS but a hip joint problem. My mom over compensated and gave him whatever he wanted. To this day he still pouts and walks away when he doesn't get his way. He is 28 now. Even if it's a little thing like no you may not have seconds of dinner, not everyone has had firsts yet. On the other hand my parents did everything they could to set him up to be a successful adult. He has a full time job in a college dining hall, he knows how to act in social settings. He even has other friends with DS or other disabilites and he corrects them because he gets embarassed about how they are acting. It is not "cute" and should not be encouraged. Yes it's hard because you are judging their parenting, but it's no different than judging a parent who lets their kid run around the store and knock things off the shelves and bumps into other people. It's just rude and should have been addressed a long time ago. As far as asking random people to dance (and I realize you just used this as an example) he may not have the social skills to tell when it is ok and when it's not. But that is something that his family should or should have helped him with. Standing back laughing or thinking it is "cute" seems more like the family judging him than you doing anything wrong. I think you should spend more time with him if possible. Try to show him by example and you can always tell him how you expect him to act when he is with you. My brother was nervous to be around my first daughter when she was a baby, he didn't know how to act or what to do with her. One day I just put her in a swing in his room and told him to watch her while I took a shower. She became an awesome "tool" to work with him. To show him how to care for her, etc. As she got older her realized that if he was watching a scary movie and she came over the house he would change the channel or if a friend said something innaproprate he would tell them to be quiet because there was a kid around. When he realized that he had to set a good example for her it really helped to change his attitude. Good luck, I know it can be an awkward situation. But I really think you have his best interest in mind (his parents aren't always going to be around) and I think your heart is in the right place.

Fy1124 · December 2013

@ChristineRich06 THANK YOU!! I feel like your the only one who understood this post!

After reading my OP I did notice how it could have been misread and I am sorry for whoever it offended it was not my intentions at all. Maybe you guys are RIGHT and I don't feel comfortable around him since I've never dealt with something like this before but I'm not rude to him or treat him bad if any of you thought that way. Also, I completely understand that it's normal for a guy his age to flirt and ask girls out to dance at parties but I was talking more about the girls that can be rude to him or don't know how to nicely turn him down and yes this is completely his families fault for not teaching him when it is ok and when it is not, if someone is rude to him it'll end up being him with his feelings hurt.

P.S sorry about the misspelling you are RIGHT...

ceh789 · December 2013

... aaaand OP listens to the lone voice that agrees with her. I'm shocked. SHOCKED!

Fy1124 · December 2013

@ChristineRich06 Also, that's awesome that your brother is the way he is! Great job to your family!

crystaljoanna · December 2013

Fy1124 said:
@ChristineRich06 THANK YOU!! I feel like your the only one who understood this post!

After reading my OP I did notice how it could have been misread and I am sorry for whoever it offended it was not my intentions at all. Maybe you guys are RIGHT and I don't feel comfortable around him since I've never dealt with something like this before but I'm not rude to him or treat him bad if any of you thought that way. Also, I completely understand that it's normal for a guy his age to flirt and ask girls out to dance at parties but I was talking more about the girls that can be rude to him or don't know how to nicely turn him down and yes this is completely his families fault for not teaching him when it is ok and when it is not, if someone is rude to him it'll end up being him with his feelings hurt.

P.S sorry about the misspelling you are RIGHT...

Girls that are rude to him or don't know how to be nice has nothing to do with your BIL's family. It sounds like they raised a friendly and outgoing human being. It's those rude bitches' families that should be blamed for raising rude and intolerant women.

If you are looking for advice on how to handle those types of situations I suggest that when you are seeing rudeness towards your BIL consider saying something to those that are rude to him.

Fy1124 · December 2013

@crystaljoanna yea your rite that would be the girls fault for being rude to a kid with DS but I guess it's just sad or would be sad for him to go through that.

rockopera · December 2013

Oh, now it's about other people not hurting his feelings? Way to backpedal.

So, in your expert diagnosis, the family should just treat him like he's normal and that he should learn normal social behaviors like everyone else? And they should discipline him because you don't find his behavior funny or cute and it bugs the crap out of you? Because that was in your OP. And I still maintain it is an ignorant and offensive opinion that you have voiced here.

Your comfort matters not in this situation. In any way. Raise your child as you see fit (since I see you have all the answers) and stop judging your ILs.

jazzyexpo · December 2013

First off you said he asks girls to dance. That sounds like what any person would do, ask and not force. That's parenting that taught him to ask and not just take. There are many 21 year old guys, who ask girls to dance and get turned down. I'd say that's pretty normal. If he's having a great time, what does it matter? Should he not be enjoying himself because he has downs?

I have a close cousin, like a brother, that has autism, a speech impairment and also is a little mentally slow. I know it's not downs, but he sounds very similar to your BIL. He is very friendly, compassionate and likes to have fun. At my wedding, he was 17/18, and he would ask girls around his age to dance. Some of them would look embarrassed and have the mentality- omg he asked me to dance, he must love me, how embarrassing. That's a very immature mentality because in reality he wanted to dance with someone and he didn't care who. Others would dance with him and then later on I noticed more of the married women dancing with him. Hardly any of them said no.

You've never raised a special needs kid, so when did you become an expert on what a parent should or shouldn't do? It bugs me when anyone makes comments on someone's parenting, especially when they don't have kids. How can anyone without a special needs child, comment on how to raise a special needs child? You've never been there. Just because you don't agree, doesn't mean it's wrong. (I'm on mobile and don't know if you have kids or not.)

SassyFlats · December 2013

I agree with pp- if your real concern is how the women react, then feel free to stand up to those rude, intolerant jerks on his behalf. They don't have to dance with him or flirt back. They can politely decline. That's their right, whether the person flirting has DS or not .

But don't be one of the rude, intolerant jerks. Your first post kind of makes you sound like one.

totalbabydoll4ever · December 2013

I think this is a gray area. I have worked with children with special needs and been raised with them, but have never worked professionally with adults, my sister did that. Children need to be taught these skills, adults, special needs or to should have them, although it is not always the case. If his family is not seeing anything wrong, then there likely nothing is. Some children with special needs are raised to be babied and not fend for themselves, I have seen it many times, but this doesn't sound like the case. i am interested in what you mean by he "does what ever he wants". Regardless of chronological age adults with special needs generally need some guidance in situations they have not been in before, not always but sometimes. This doesn't sound like the case either. Not everyone has experience working with adults and children with special needs.

My cousin is autistic, he is 22 and doesn't understand that he cannot speak to my son, the same way he does his adult friends, he sees no difference, so I speak to him about it, but no discipline is needed, he's an adult. I guess I see it as wwyd if you asked a married guy to dance and your BIL said, it's inappropriate go to your room. You're an adult, I highly doubt you would take kindly to it.

pepperedmoth · December 2013

I pretty much agree with all PP. Sounds like normal behavior to me, and like you're overreacting.

Is there a part to the story missing here? I went to middle and high school with a kid with DS who often groped girls (WITHOUT asking), including me. At the time it felt like no one was doing anything about our complaints and for a long while I was really angry about it.

As an adult I realize everyone was probably trying their best to manage the behavior in the most gracious way the could, but as a really insecure, awkard, and immature eighth grader it was hard for me to handle appropriately.

So I wonder if either:

a) there's some other experience you've had, that you're not telling us, that would give your concerns more context, or whether

you're not seeing the full picture yourself because you really are not involved in your BIL's life, nor do you understand the challenges of raising a special needs kid. Maybe spending more time around those with such needs would give you better perspective. It did for me.

I'm leaning toward B.

VineyardMel · December 2013

I seriously feel like I fell down the rabbit hole with this post. OP--your post is ridiculous. Your spelling and grammar is even worse. I think you're the one with the issue here and you sound completely embarrassed and uncomfortable to be around someone with DS. You also sound incredibly young and immature.

My mind is seriously blown--this thread takes March niceness to a whole new level. I agree with PP that we're being punked.