Jealous of the "father role"

danadane75 · December 2013

Being a mom is the most amazing thing ever, but my DH life is exactly the same as it was before baby got here except he has her to play with when he gets home from work..He doesnt have to worry about her at all because he knows she has me..I dont have that luxury. My life has completely changed..I find myself getting jealous when DH goes out after work and doesnt have a care in the world because "mom has it covered." I crave that carefree life I used to have.

LJUTCMommy · December 2013

Organize a Mom's Night Out! Leave DH home with babe and get yourself out of the house. Go meet friends, grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine.

You will feel much better.

thoughtfulmommy · December 2013

I wish my DH could read my mind too, and even when you tell them once that doesn't mean they will remember to offer again.

I just have to tell him. I told him I am having a few drinks tomorrow when we go out and he will drive and wake up with LO to feed him a bottle. He doesn't mind doing it, he is actually happy I will enjoy the night, but he would never think to "offer" that.

Cosmic+Love · December 2013

I understand what you are feeling. It's tough. But at the end of the day, would you really trade in being a mom for the father role?

I wouldn't, not for a second. Being a mom has empowered me, shown me that I am stronger than I thought, and has filled me with more love than I ever thought possible.

CaliforniaDream87 · December 2013

I guess I don't understand this mentality. An involved father has much more of a responsibility than what you listed here. If your husband isn't keeping up with his end of the bargain (being an involved father) then you need to communicate this.

LJUTCMommy · December 2013

@CaliforniaDream87 Sometimes I feel like we're the only people on the board with actively involved husbands. A lot of these posts make me feel really lucky, but sad for other Moms.

DH is with LO all day on days when he is off, but I have to work. He does 80% of the cooking and about 50% of the cleaning.He will help me soothe and calm DD whenever she is fussy, even MOTN. He and I both don't believe in CIO at any age. On days when we are both off, he is always telling me to go out and go get coffee or go meet friends for lunch, because he wants me to have a break. He always plays with DD, sings to her, talks to her, changes diapers, and bottle feeds her when I'm away. He has a very demanding job and works many hours, but he still manages to do all this.

Now, I realize not everyone can have a dream DH like me and Cali , but I think your SOs should be doing at least half of the things listed above.

MammaBear81 · December 2013

parenting is 24/7 ... for both parents, you may have to help him figure it out (and repeat yourself many times) but there is no reason a dad can't be "as involved" as mom. Don't be afraid to speak up, just don't be nasty or demanding, you catch more flies with honey

danadane75 · December 2013

Im thinking some of you took my post the wrong way and I apologize for that.

DH is as involved as he can be with how much he works. We own our own business and if hes not there we dont make money.

I have to understand that and also understand the need for him to get out every once in awhile too. I do get out once a week to run errands..

I guess I was just pointing out that he can relax a little more than me and I kinda want that feeling again. Never could I have imagined how much my perfect little angel would change my life

Snowbird7 · December 2013

And as far as communicating your needs to DH, I learned something handy a long time ago. With some men, you can't say "Boy, I'm really thirsty ... " and wait for them to catch on and get you a drink. You have to say "I need you to get me a glass of ice water." Spelling out your clear expectations is more helpful in the long run, at least with my DH.

carrotcake06 · December 2013

I think I get what you mean - I'm more angsty about decisions related to the kids than H is. I overthink everything whereas he'll just do it. So it's like I take on this mountain of responsibility, when really it's self imposed.

As far as getting out, we both value out kid-free time and make a point to go out and have fun without kids, separately and together.

He's incredibly helpful and I'm very thankful for that.

BlueJewelM · December 2013

N

LJUTCMommy said:
@CaliforniaDream87 Sometimes I feel like we're the only people on the board with actively involved husbands. A lot of these posts make me feel really lucky, but sad for other Moms.

DH is with LO all day on days when he is off, but I have to work. He does 80% of the cooking and about 50% of the cleaning.He will help me soothe and calm DD whenever she is fussy, even MOTN. He and I both don't believe in CIO at any age. On days when we are both off, he is always telling me to go out and go get coffee or go meet friends for lunch, because he wants me to have a break. He always plays with DD, sings to her, talks to her, changes diapers, and bottle feeds her when I'm away. He has a very demanding job and works many hours, but he still manages to do all this.

Now, I realize not everyone can have a dream DH like me and Cali , but I think your SOs should be doing at least half of the things listed above.

Please do not make assumptions about my husband.

I think 98% is overreaching. While I agree some women on this board have some very challenging issues to work out with their significant others, I don't think I would feel comfortable making a post like yours. Frankly, it makes you sound like an ass.

I hope you didn't mean for it to come across that way. But I think to a woman that is truly hurting, it's not helpful.

I know I am extremely lucky, but I don't feel it's appropriate to shame other women because they don't have as much support as I do. Just seems like more fuel to fan the flames of the mommy wars. "Let's all talk about how my husband is better" doesn't seem helpful.

Now, on to OP. It is really important to make your needs known. It may be that he just needs to be pointed in the right direction. It's okay that he may not be perfect on his own...with some communication of wants and needs he can get there. Women have a tendency to be more passive in their comments and we have trouble asking what we want. Men can be more linear. I hope you can come to a mutual agreement on responsibilities and "fun time". Both parents need it to succeed! Good luck!

Cosmic+Love · December 2013

danadane75 said:

Im thinking some of you took my post the wrong way and I apologize for that. DH is as involved as he can be with how much he works. We own our own business and if hes not there we dont make money. I have to understand that and also understand the need for him to get out every once in awhile too. I do get out once a week to run errands.. I guess I was just pointing out that he can relax a little more than me and I kinda want that feeling again. Never could I have imagined how much my perfect little angel would change my life

Sorry if I came across as unsympathetic. I really do understand what you mean and agree with pp's - you may just need to be a little more blunt with asking for help from DH.

BellaOso · December 2013

LJUTCMommy said:

@CaliforniaDream87 Sometimes I feel like we're the only people on the board with actively involved husbands. A lot of these posts make me feel really lucky, but sad for other Moms.

DH is with LO all day on days when he is off, but I have to work. He does 80% of the cooking and about 50% of the cleaning.He will help me soothe and calm DD whenever she is fussy, even MOTN. He and I both don't believe in CIO at any age. On days when we are both off, he is always telling me to go out and go get coffee or go meet friends for lunch, because he wants me to have a break. He always plays with DD, sings to her, talks to her, changes diapers, and bottle feeds her when I'm away. He has a very demanding job and works many hours, but he still manages to do all this.

Now, I realize not everyone can have a dream DH like me and Cali , but I think your SOs should be doing at least half of the things listed above.

Count me in this camp.

My DH is home with the girls when I am working, (on our property, but not in the home,) and he goes to his job the other 3 days a week. We have them alone and together a pretty equal amount of time. He takes them to dr appts with or without me, he feeds them, helps, brings me things, does the dishes, washes my pump, does the laundry, picks up around the house, etc. When the girls have had bad days he encourages me to leave for a few hours in the evening while he is in charge.

I'm baffled when women say their DHs don't help. My DH can do everything I can do for the girls except lactate... but he can feed a bottle like nobody's business. (I hate to admit he is sometimes better at picking out outfits for DD1 because I just grab what is on top and he looks around a little.)

OP I see that you updated to say you own your own business and he has to be there to get work done, but you mention him "going out after work without a care in the world." You need to talk to him about YOU getting out without a care in the world AFTER WORK - because raising babies and keeping a house running is work.

BlueJewelM · December 2013

danadane75 said:
Im thinking some of you took my post the wrong way and I apologize for that.

DH is as involved as he can be with how much he works. We own our own business and if hes not there we dont make money.

I have to understand that and also understand the need for him to get out every once in awhile too. I do get out once a week to run errands..

I guess I was just pointing out that he can relax a little more than me and I kinda want that feeling again. Never could I have imagined how much my perfect little angel would change my life

I think a lot of times as mothers we tend to not let ourselves relax. In this "Pinterest" obsessed time and sharing photos is a daily thing and being bombarded with "status updates" all day, it's easy to ask ourselves...am I doing enough?

I know I do! So even if I get a few minutes my mind cannot shut out all the kid stuff/work stuff or my volunteer work!

I'm sure it's 10000x worse as a business owner. My husband can pick up the Phone and take a day off. When you own your own business...that's difficult for the both of you!

magdalina.h · December 2013

My husband is not like that at all. He's extremely hands on

janneann1127 · December 2013

I understand what you're saying about not having that "carefree life" anymore. However, I don't think that applies to my DH - he's plenty helpful & feels the same level of responsibility for our kids that i do. I think that feeling is something you have when you don't have children. Sometimes I look at my friends who don't have kids yet and feel just a slight pang of jealousy that they don't have those same worries that I have. But.. they also don't have that amazing feeling of love and connection that we do either. :-)

LJUTCMommy · December 2013

BlueJewelM said:

N
@CaliforniaDream87 Sometimes I feel like we're the only people on the board with actively involved husbands. A lot of these posts make me feel really lucky, but sad for other Moms.

DH is with LO all day on days when he is off, but I have to work. He does 80% of the cooking and about 50% of the cleaning.He will help me soothe and calm DD whenever she is fussy, even MOTN. He and I both don't believe in CIO at any age. On days when we are both off, he is always telling me to go out and go get coffee or go meet friends for lunch, because he wants me to have a break. He always plays with DD, sings to her, talks to her, changes diapers, and bottle feeds her when I'm away. He has a very demanding job and works many hours, but he still manages to do all this.

Now, I realize not everyone can have a dream DH like me and Cali , but I think your SOs should be doing at least half of the things listed above.

Please do not make assumptions about my husband. I think 98% is overreaching. While I agree some women on this board have some very challenging issues to work out with their significant others, I don't think I would feel comfortable making a post like yours. Frankly, it makes you sound like an ass. I hope you didn't mean for it to come across that way. But I think to a woman that is truly hurting, it's not helpful. I know I am extremely lucky, but I don't feel it's appropriate to shame other women because they don't have as much support as I do. Just seems like more fuel to fan the flames of the mommy wars. "Let's all talk about how my husband is better" doesn't seem helpful. Now, on to OP. It is really important to make your needs known. It may be that he just needs to be pointed in the right direction. It's okay that he may not be perfect on his own...with some communication of wants and needs he can get there. Women have a tendency to be more passive in their comments and we have trouble asking what we want. Men can be more linear. I hope you can come to a mutual agreement on responsibilities and "fun time". Both parents need it to succeed! Good luck!

I am sorry. I didn't mean to offend anyone with my post. I was just pointing out the things that my H does to help, and basically saying if he can do all that, I would hope most H's on this board can contribute half as much.

I didn't feel like I was shaming other women by saying my H helps A LOT. Sorry if anyone was offended or ashamed by my post.

BlueJewelM · December 2013

I honestly don't think your intent was that either.

Like I said, it just came across a bit insensitive and presumptive. Which... I'm totally guilty of doing often.

BabyE143 · December 2013

Thankfully my husband is helpful (when he can be). He works his ass off to provide better for our family. I'm talking 12 hr shifts, 12 days a week, with no set schedule. So naturally caring for LO is not always 50/50. Sometimes it does feel like I'm a single mom bc he works all the time.

LO's to the point where she recognizes faces and sometimes all she wants is her momma. Every extra minute spent caring for her, waking up for her, holding her is worth it in That Moment.

PrimRoseMama · December 2013

My husband helps without me asking. However it sounds like your spouse needs more communication of what your needs are. Keep speaking up. It's all you can do. Be direct, but gentle. Good luck.

CourtJack · December 2013

I know what you're saying, I think. I don't think you at all implied that your husband wasn't pulling his own weight, you just meant that there are differences in the mom role vs the father role and oftentimes the father role has a bit less mental-stress, meaning their switch doesn't always have to be on whereas ours generally is. God, do I even make sense? What I mean: today I spent the day wondering why LO sneezed more than usual and then pondering if she's possibly allergic to something in the house, then went through a list of any and everything she could be allergic to. H prob didn't spend his day doing that when I texted him about the sneezing. H doesn't worry about sleep habits, drowsy but awake, the friggin Merlin magic sleep thing, and so on. He doesn't have to cause we do it. And my H does a great job of helping and is a great daddy. But it's still not the same as being the momma.

And I do have a social life but even when I go out-I spend most of the time thinking about what is going on at home with LO. When H goes out - I know he's not thinking the same types of things that I am - because he doesn't have to. So I understand just wanting that carefree mentality. And of course all moms don't feel this way, but I do and I get it.

Hoping some of my blubbering made some sense. I'm zzzzzzzzzz....

tts432462 · December 2013

I get what you're saying. We own our own business also and it's tough. He has to be dedicated to it because it's our livlihood. And he works 14 hour days 6 days a week. He just physically can't do it all and I'm responsible for most of the house work and most of caring for LO. It's not because he doesn't pull his weight around here. It's just where we are in life. Neither one of go out or have time with friends right now, but I do get jealous over things like he can shower and get ready to leave the house any time he wants. He doesn't have to take into consideration nap schedules and nursing schedules. In those ways he is more carefreee than me and I get jealous. But, then I think I also get to be home in the evenings snuggling with LO while he is still working and I'm sure he gets a little jealous of that also.

ELauren88 · December 2013

I'm not jealous of MH b/c everyday he gets home it's "DAD TIME". I get to shower, run errands, or do whatever. Dadurday is our favorite day (Saturday). I guess I just don't let MH get away with not chipping in. It also helps that all his friends live 3 hours away, or have kids themselves.

ELauren88 · December 2013

BabyE143 said:

Thankfully my husband is helpful (when he can be). He works his ass off to provide better for our family. I'm talking 12 hr shifts, 12 days a week, with no set schedule. So naturally caring for LO is not always 50/50. Sometimes it does feel like I'm a single mom bc he works all the time. LO's to the point where she recognizes faces and sometimes all she wants is her momma. Every extra minute spent caring for her, waking up for her, holding her is worth it in That Moment.

Not possible.

CaliforniaDream87 · December 2013

@babye143 your husband is a BAD ASS.

That is all.

ELauren88 · December 2013

jessicaivana said:
With that said, I am J's main caregiver in the sense that I tend to make all of J's basic care decisions, which daycare, what doctor, how we are going to feed him, I make all his doctors appointments, I bring him to all the appointments (H will come when he can but I take work off for it)...I always ask H for input but at the end of the day I always end up making the decisions and it's at his insistance. But it seems like I have more responsibility.

See, but MH and I make all those decisions together. Because we're both LO's parents.

LJUTCMommy · December 2013

@babye143 I totally get it. DH works a similar lack-of-schedule and that is why I hate hearing about SOs who don't pull their weight.

Example: DH worked 4 doubles (5am to Midnight) 4 days in a row last week, yet he still helped me when DD wouldn't go to sleep in the MOTN. He often has only 1 day off or none.

That is why it pains me when these H's who do 9-5 don't pitch in. I'm not talking about OP, but some of the others on the board.

lkobriant · December 2013

ELauren88 said:

jessicaivana said:
With that said, I am J's main caregiver in the sense that I tend to make all of J's basic care decisions, which daycare, what doctor, how we are going to feed him, I make all his doctors appointments, I bring him to all the appointments (H will come when he can but I take work off for it)...I always ask H for input but at the end of the day I always end up making the decisions and it's at his insistance. But it seems like I have more responsibility.

See, but MH and I make all those decisions together. Because we're both LO's parents.

Yep, this. Everything is basically 50/50. DH and I trade off bath and bed time every other night, he gets DS's MOTN feeding and I get up with him in the morning, so DH can get an extra half hour or so before work. He keeps him all day on Saturdays when I have school and will have him alone for two nights per week next semester for the same reason. There's no reason why you should bare all the responsibility, or even most, just because you're the mom.

BabyE143 · December 2013

Lol

ELauren88 said:

BabyE143 said:

Thankfully my husband is helpful (when he can be). He works his ass off to provide better for our family. I'm talking 12 hr shifts, 12 days a week, with no set schedule. So naturally caring for LO is not always 50/50. Sometimes it does feel like I'm a single mom bc he works all the time.

LO's to the point where she recognizes faces and sometimes all she wants is her momma. Every extra minute spent caring for her, waking up for her, holding her is worth it in That Moment.

Not possible.

Lol!!! You're right meant to say 12hrs ***6 days***

My bad, can I blame it on mommy brain? Cuz I'm gonna.

BabyE143 · December 2013

LJUTCMommy said:
@babye143 I totally get it. DH works a similar lack-of-schedule and that is why I hate hearing about SOs who don't pull their weight.

Example: DH worked 4 doubles (5am to Midnight) 4 days in a row last week, yet he still helped me when DD wouldn't go to sleep in the MOTN. He often has only 1 day off or none.

That is why it pains me when these H's who do 9-5 don't pitch in. I'm not talking about OP, but some of the others on the board.

Yep. H and I have discussed this. We've agreed to not look at taking care of LO as a "job".

You don't a break or day off from being a parent. Granted that's easier said than done when both of you are not on the same page.

Got to talk about what your feeling in order to get there OP!

Bunnyfer · December 2013

We had this issue in our house too....until DH became primary care giver when I work night shift...and things changed a whole hell of a lot then

Soleil3 · December 2013

It kills my H that he misses so much of our kids life. He works because he has to support his family, and he doesn't complain much so maybe he would seem carefree if we didn't actually communicate about it. Talk to him, it might affect him more than you think.

Soleil3 · December 2013

BlueJewelM said:

I honestly don't think your intent was that either. Like I said, it just came across a bit insensitive and presumptive. Which... I'm totally guilty of doing often.

This is pretty much bullshit. She raved about her husband and what she would expect husbands to do true to context of the OP (which I agree entirely) and you call her an ass, insensitive, and presumptuous? How fucking rude.

BlueJewelM · December 2013

Soleil3 said:

BlueJewelM said:

I honestly don't think your intent was that either.

Like I said, it just came across a bit insensitive and presumptive. Which... I'm totally guilty of doing often.

This is pretty much bullshit. She raved about her husband and what she would expect husbands to do true to context of the OP (which I agree entirely) and you call her an ass, insensitive, and presumptuous? How fucking rude.

Meh.

Agree to disagree Soleil. You are not one I care to agree with on most things that come up on the board, so no skin off my nose.

sfeebs13 · December 2013

I think PP's have some great advice and thoughts on the matter.

I have an FI who was working on and off until DD was born. Then somehow there was "no work" for 6 weeks. I did everything around the house, as much as I could while EBF. FI started feeling neglected but FINALLY went back to work. He would then come home, expect the house to be clean, dinner to be ready, and I would try to make sure Z was napping so he could relax for a bit. Then I noticed each time I asked him to hold her or burp her he would and then immediately put her down.

Worked slowed down and now has come to a complete halt. I have taken full advantage of this.

FI also had 3 other children with his XW and tried to tell me "what" I should and shouldn't do w/ DD. including letting her CIO at 3 weeks ...

I realized that I had to communicate my issues with him. Now that he has not been working for about 2 months I tell him what to do with LO. And when he plays with her and changes her or gives her a bottle I leave them alone. I go scrapbook or bump and get my "me" time.

Now that she is communicating and more interactive he doesn't mind hanging out with her.

I don't know if that helps, but like I said PPs had it pretty much covered.

The best thing I can suggest is to straight up tell him what you want so you can get some time to yourself.

pkaren · December 2013

I'm lucky if I get an hour to myself a week. I feel like every time I tell DH I'm stressed or tired or need help he just gets mad and blames B. I feel like a single mother sometimes. I do everything. I'm getting so fed up, I feel like the help you guys get from your DHs is like a dream or a movie. I know DH loves B, but I feel like he regrets having a baby and is resentful about how much time she takes and how things have changed even though they really haven't. He still goes out and lives his life.

Example: we're having friends for dinner and DH had a migraine yesterday so we didn't finish out shopping. We were going to do it today and by the time B woke up from her nap it was 1. I mentioned to DH while she was napping to get himself ready but if course didn't. So she woke up, he finally showered and I'm trying to clean while she's on her playmat. DH comes out and I say "I'm feeling really stressed about everything that needs to get done, I'd like to be home by 3 to get the roast in the oven" he then gets mad at me saying "great so now you're going to be stressed and bitchy all day I'll just go by myself" and even said how much he hates how long it takes to get out with a baby. It turned into a bit of a fight bc he gets mad at me whenever I express my feelings like it's my fault I had a baby.

I'm at the end if my rope here. Sorry for the novel, I neede to get that out.

MammaBear81 · December 2013

I'm lucky if I get an hour to myself a week. I feel like every time I tell DH I'm stressed or tired or need help he just gets mad and blames B. I feel like a single mother sometimes. I do everything. I'm getting so fed up, I feel like the help you guys get from your DHs is like a dream or a movie. I know DH loves B, but I feel like he regrets having a baby and is resentful about how much time she takes and how things have changed even though they really haven't. He still goes out and lives his life. Example: we're having friends for dinner and DH had a migraine yesterday so we didn't finish out shopping. We were going to do it today and by the time B woke up from her nap it was 1. I mentioned to DH while she was napping to get himself ready but if course didn't. So she woke up, he finally showered and I'm trying to clean while she's on her playmat. DH comes out and I say "I'm feeling really stressed about everything that needs to get done, I'd like to be home by 3 to get the roast in the oven" he then gets mad at me saying "great so now you're going to be stressed and bitchy all day I'll just go by myself" and even said how much he hates how long it takes to get out with a baby. It turned into a bit of a fight bc he gets mad at me whenever I express my feelings like it's my fault I had a baby. I'm at the end if my rope here. Sorry for the novel, I neede to get that out.

I know this is just one example, but is there a reason one of you didn't just go to the store while the baby was taking a nap? I know it's nice to do many things together, but sometimes it's just in the best interest of time to just run out alone. We do our big "monthly shopping" as a family, all 8 of us, but sometimes schedules don't permit and I (or DH) have to just run out and do it alone.

Also I try to prepare and have the diaper bag stocked so walking out the door doesn't take 15 minutes. I know all to well how a simple task of loading the car can add up, "oh, go grab some diapers"... "the binky is in his crib" and before you know it 30 minutes has past and your still in the driveway. You can't predict the enevitable diaper blowout as you walk out the door, but preparing makes my life 1,000 times easier!

henderson1026 · December 2013

I think I get what OP means - it seems like MH is able to transition from Dad-time to Me-time much easier than I can. Today for example, we've been hanging at home watching TV. When LO is on my lab he is able to be engrossed in the show or his laptop or whatever, but when she is sitting on his lap my focus is still bouncing between entertainment and LO.

Soleil3 · December 2013

jessicaivana said:

BlueJewelM said:

I honestly don't think your intent was that either. Like I said, it just came across a bit insensitive and presumptive. Which... I'm totally guilty of doing often.

This is pretty much bullshit. She raved about her husband and what she would expect husbands to do true to context of the OP (which I agree entirely) and you call her an ass, insensitive, and presumptuous? How fucking rude.
I am guilty of using my own experience a lot when talking to other people and did it in this post- but she does have a point. When someone is upset and looking for help and how to approach their Hs for help it prob doesn't do them any favors when we all talk about how great our Hs are. Communication is hard and can take a lot of time and it doesn't always come easy to some.

She wasn't asking for help on how to approach her husband for not helping though, as she clarified (and how I read the OP). She asked for help feeling jealous of the different mentality some dads seem to have towards parenthood. My post and others like mine pointed out that the mentality isn't often that different, its just approached differently.

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