Just b!tching for a second

SparkySharky · November 2013

We had our anatomical u/s and our baby girl looks like she's all in one piece. We got a great profile pic of her and it looks like she's going to take after my husband's side of the family. Grainy ultrasound caveat aside - she looks a lot like my 10-mo-old niece (my SIL's daughter). My niece, my SIL, my husband, and my MIL all look very much alike. Imagine that...

Our 1-yr-old little boy looks just like me and my brother - almost nothing of my husband at all really - so I'm pretty excited to have a mini-me of my husband. Anyhoo. I sent the pics to my MIL and SIL saying how much she looked like my niece and how excited I was to have their family resemblance. The response? Crickets. Then when we got together with my SIL and her husband, I said, "Hey, did you get the pics? She looks so much like [my niece]!" Again. Crickets. Then her husband asks, "What do you think they look anything alike?" and my SIL chimed in and said, "yeah..."

My response? "I guess everyone is opposed to a [Smith] family resemblance then, huh?" Which is weird. My husband is less entitled to pass on his genetics than they are? Is it really so out of the realm that my husband's kid would look anything like him? Do they have the market cornered on cute, little girls? Sorry my egg and his sperm didn't get the memo.

Then they immediately got into the jokes about how her daughter was going to beat up my son and my SIL started commenting about how her daughter could walk while she held her hands (which my son just isn't into). My son is going to be a year and my niece is 2 months younger. And, yes. Yes, my SIL did race to have a kid before we did, thank you for asking. You're quite observant...

This is really just a vent, but if anyone has a little insight into how to deal with an overly competitive in-law - let me know. I really want to avoid traumatizing our little one when he's compared to my niece over every tiny thing. FWIW - my husband tends to get caught up in the sibling rivalry, too. He knows better, but he's not exactly well-versed in holding back (very outspoken...). My plan of action for the next 25 years is to ignore it completely, never compare them, and if my DS asks about it, to say, "The things your aunt says say more about her than you. Niece is special, you are special and we all love each other. For some reason, your aunt feels better comparing things in people that are unimportant." What do you think? I'm open to suggestions.

FemShep · November 2013

Honestly, I think you're really overreacting. You may see a big family resemblance, but ultrasound pictures are really pretty crappy for giving an idea of what the baby looks like. It's entirely possible that people were excited to see baby was healthy and otherwise just thought it looked like....an ultrasound picture. Don't read anything into the lack of response or enthusiasm. And in terms of comparisons, I'd relax. You don't know everything that went into your ILs' decision to have a child. It is almost certainly not all about you. The best thing you can do for your kids is ignore the comparisons completely-and that means not getting annoyed or responding, just smiling and saying, "how nice for niece, that's great" and walking away.

Jbruce7612 · November 2013

Ohhhhh honey. I have some similar in law probs. my husband is 26 and im 22. My hubs has a 22 yr old brother and his wife is 19. Well, my hubs and i started dating in 2010 and talked abt getting married thru out our relationship. Them my SIL starte dating my BIL and new we were planning on marriage, well they got engaged first after dating for a toal of 5 months and my hubs and i had already been together a yr and a half. We got married first, but they rubb it in that they got engaged first. Well since we got settled in last yr my hubby and i started talking abt starting a family. Well, the in laws beat us to it again. They got pregnant in april when i was so ready to be pregnant. They got pregnant right away! I didnt get preg til july. And they just love to rubb that in too. So yeah. I feel your pain lol. I love my in laws to death tho dont get me wrong, my hubby just says they are immature and look up to us. Which is fine, but gah dont make me feel bad! Lol

hfooter · November 2013

Oh people like that drive me insane. I have no suggestions other than to try to ignore them. Good luck!

shellbell9482 · November 2013

Unless it was one of those high-tech, nifty 3-D or 4-D ultrasounds, I wouldn't let it get to you. People are going to say/think whatever they want and the only thing we have any control over is how we react to what they say/do. Keep in mind kids are very clairvoyant and will sense your reactions to your SIL's comments. They might not understand competition or rudeness, but they will understand your reaction to it, whether good or bad. Just keep your head up and I would keep my mouth shut (sometimes it's hard for us pregnant ladies to do) and after the baby is born, regardless of who she looks like, I would just be happy she's healthy! Hang in there!!

SparkySharky · November 2013

Aside from my own excitement about having a LO that resembled my husband, I actually thought that MIL and SIL would find it really flattering and exciting. In the beginning, they made a big deal with my son that he looked just like my husband (even though they were the only ones who thought so). After awhile, there was really no denying it and they finally started joking, "You wouldn't think [DH] had anything to do with it." I know as well as anyone else that the u/s pics make all babies pretty much look the same. The difference b/t DD and DS is my DS appeared to have a big overbite which he doesn't even actually have. It seemed like a fun silly thing to rally the troops and get everyone excited about. I thought the flattery would curb my SIL's competitive streak. If tables were turned and my brother's wife was more excited to have a baby who looked like me than her own family, I'd be super flattered.

But, no, the ugliness won out.

As for whether my SIL was really trying to "beat" me to get pregnant: I didn't suspect it at all until she made a comment around my 8th month and her 6th that she could still be first. It was a little suspect and went downhill after that when she would say as often as possible that I might be having the first gkid, but she's having the first girl. Then the competition comparing the kids... We weren't even going to tell her I was pregnant again b/c we were afraid she'd flip.

Grovecenter · November 2013

Honestly I had to go through the same stuff as a kid and no matter how many times my mom tried to explain that there just not nice speech, I still felt sad from being treated that way . I wish my mom would have had me spent less time with them, than allow me to be around that just because we were family.

SparkySharky · November 2013

Grovecenter said:

Honestly I had to go through the same stuff as a kid and no matter how many times my mom tried to explain that there just not nice speech, I still felt sad from being treated that way . I wish my mom would have had me spent less time with them, than allow me to be around that just because we were family.

Good to know. I will definitely be thinking about this when we're talking about seeing them. As is we only see them every 3-4 months which is starting to sound like just about the right frequency.

PrimRoseMama · November 2013

This is petty BS. Rise above man. Life is too short.

DTNZ4Ever · November 2013

Just let it go. My MIL insists that DS looks just like DH even though my pics of when I was the same age we look identical. People see what they want or don't want. Ultimately it's not worth the stress.

SGC29 · November 2013

I think you're putting too much thought into this. I'd let it go and not waste anymore time on it. Enjoy this pregnancy and the photos of your healthy baby.

SparkySharky · December 2013

So-uh...just wanted to add to my vent. I saw my SIL recently and for the first time since the incident I mentioned above. For the last 10 mos everyone (that I'm aware of) who has seen my SIL and her DD has uniformly said "Wow, your DD looks just like you" and joked "Are we sure BIL even had anything to do with DD?" But for some reason, during this last visit, my SIL says to me out-of-the-blue, "She looks exactly like my husband." Other than DD's hair getting a little darker as it fills in, she's still the exact same little chubby-cheeked, squinty-eyed, angelic, mini-SIL that she was before...

SparkySharky · December 2013

I know. I know. Let it go...

Just b!tching for a second

Re: Just b!tching for a second

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