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Bedsharing issue.

Pearls+OystersPearls+Oysters member
in Attachment Parenting
TL;DR version: If bedsharing didn't work quite well from the beginning, how did YOU make it work? If you weren't comfortable how did you change that?

Novel version:
I've posted about this on Parenting already, sorry for posting here too, but I figured it was the right place to do it.

Initially, I was never for bedsharing for our family. I have insomnia, sleep lightly and need my space. SO is a sound sleeper and roller, and I didn't trust him not to roll on LO when he rolled "on" me often times.

Luckily I had it easy (read "my way"). DS (9mo next week) slept through the night, in his PNP in our room and then in his crib in his own room, starting from 8 weeks. I know, blessed.

Recently his father and I separated. I truly believe that DS feels my anxiety and pain, and that it has affected him, along with his own separation anxiety. So lately, he will only sleep if held and rocked (naps) or held and then snuggled in my bed (night). The moment his body touches his PNP or crib mattress... BAM!!! Crisis. Tears. Screams. Bloody hell breaks loose.

Oh he does still sleep through the night. But only if I am within reach, ie in my bed. I guess it's great and I'm still blessed, but I can't see it because I am exhausted.

CIO, even modified or gentler, is clearly out of the question for me. His crying sends me in full panick attacks. My own issues surfacing, sure. I get that. But I'd like to avoid being the nervous, sleepless wreak of a single mom that I am slowly becoming.

I hate myself for being so uncomfortable with something that clearly comforts my son. I would do anything for him, but I also would give anything for a good night of sleep... Which I can't get because of his presence. Selfish? I don't know... I need my bubble to finally fall asleep, and everytime he touches me I wake up in fear that I'm crushing him...

This my way of putting on my big girl panties: I'll suck it up and bedshare for a while, but please share your ways to ease into it if you have them. He's attached at my hip 24/7, in the sense that 5 seconds out of sight and I gain a full on anxiety attack for baby and a budding panick attack for me. My sanity is at stake here. I'll take whatever advice you throw my way. Pretty please?
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Re: Bedsharing issue.

  • Learntoswim18Learntoswim18 member
    Have you tried sleeping with the mattress on the floor? That way you could put your LO further away from you without risking him falling off the bed. So you're still close but he won't touch and wake you?
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  • Emerald27Emerald27 member
    First, I am so so sorry for the loss of your marriage. I am heartbroken for you. Ts and Ps headed your way for a bright and happy future for you and LO!

    Your son probably feels both your anxiety and pain and just senses the change. Babies are very perceptive and since they're so totally dependent, he probably needs some extra closeness and snuggles right now. :) I am against CIO anyway, but in this situation in particular, I would discourage it, because it seems very likely that reassurance of your presence is what LO truly needs...and CIO may be the opposite.

    Ultimately, you will need to make a decision that you are comfortable with regarding bedsharing. Here is a link to some great information regarding bedsharing, how to do it safely, and its benefits, because bedsharing when done right can be very rewarding for a child and mother:

    https://cosleeping.nd.edu
    https://kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/familybed/

    There are lots of ways to safely keep LO close to you, one of which is bedsharing (like PP suggested, with your mattress on the floor so you don't have to worry about him rolling). You could also remove one wall of his crib, raise or lower it to the level of your mattress, and push it sidecarred against your bed. This would extend the surface of your bed into his own, safe space, and would allow you to snuggle together in bed when you want, and have a very nearby place to scoot him to when you need more space. And you can leave an arm around him or your hand on his belly, so that he can feel your warmth in addition to hearing you breathe, etc. :) Good comforts.

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  • Emerald27Emerald27 member
    There are also lots of ways to gently help LO fall asleep: nursing to sleep, rocking, rubbing his back, white noise, walking around with him snuggled in a carrier and a skip in your step, etc.

    If you do decide to keep him sleeping in a separate space, one thing that may really help him get through this is doing lots of skin-to-skin. Sharing that closeness and warmth is so very intimate and comforting to a baby (and has hormonal and milk supply benefits for you too!).
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  • Pearls+OystersPearls+Oysters member
    I don't breastfeed. Would have loved to but even pumping for 1h30 every 2 hours didn't work. I still wear him a lot, despite his weight. I would hope the two don't have to be connected to be beneficial.

    As far as him "falling off the bed", I'm absolutely not worried: our bed rail is a blessing right now. I would never sidecar his crib because that would be dangerous considering my bedframe.

    He rolls around all night and has to be thisclose all the time, which accounts to why I can't sleep. The moment he's too far to feel me when he stretches, he wakes up crying.

    I refuse to take sleeping aids, or to put on ear plugs: I want us both safe and well, and... Well, sleeping.

    Thank you all for your kind replies.
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  • Learntoswim18Learntoswim18 member
    Perhaps you need to just "surrender " and cuddle him lots for now and hopefully he will slowly transition to not needing your touch so much at night time so you can get the space and sleep you need. Maybe even try sneaking away to sleep else wear (perhaps in the same room?) just to test the waters until you have success. It's not very helpful but he obviously needs your help during this trying time and as the mantra goes "this too shall pass" All the best
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  • musicalmama5musicalmama5 member
    First off, I'm so sorry you're in this tough situation. T&P's coming your way.

    Secondly, I'd just like to share with you that I was very much the same when I first started bedsharing. But I did it because DS sleeps so much better right next to me. Now, months later, I also sleep better when he's close to me. I guess I just got used to it! 

    And lastly, by looking at your ticker, it looks like your DS is just a little younger than mine. This is prime time for separation anxiety, so it all sounds fairly normal. 

    Good luck, mama!
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