Blessed but very difficult

luvboston · December 2013

First I want to say my heart is about to explode I feel so blessed to have an LO even one that is teething at 3 months old. Every time I look at her I want to cry, and then thank every person that helped me get her.

However the years of illness and infertility are wearing on me. Especially now that I feel like I'm in this mom mafia where everyone is judging me and not so subtlety making comments about my past and current babies which makes me want to not go out except to see my infertile friends.

And I couldn't just give birth and get my period again I have to have abnormal bleeding and cysts and no ovulation. And I got post partum joint pain and the list goes on. And the worst thing I can't lose one single pound and everyone comments.

And instead of thinking about my health and sanity I have to think of how it effects my fertility and ability to start meds again in June.

How do all of you deal with being a mom in a world of fertiles?

Mrs.AmyDylan · December 2013

I'm sorry you are struggling with your health and snarky comments. Huge hugs!

As for dealing with the world of fertile mamas, I'm finding some of it really hard. Especially the whoops whining about the second pregnancy (J is almost 1, so it is starting to happen). We've been pretty quiet about our IF struggle, but to the astute observer it is quite obvious (married 6yrs, family-sized house for 5yrs, dropped the big job 3yrs ago).

I have a close friend IRL who also did IVF to get her son and while our kids are 6mo apart and not able to play together yet, it is so good to have someone to be real with and not hide the ugly IF feelings.

Can you start doing baby activities? I know your daughter was early, so this might have to wait until spring. This will get you out meeting mamas who don't know you, don't comment on your weight or health and honestly talk drifts to the kiddos.

Are you able to get out at all to workout or just walk? I went for a swim after DH got home and I feel 1000x better after being in a little funk for the last two days.

Sorry, this was kinda long and rambly. Not sure if I really answered your question. More hugs.

luvboston · December 2013

Mrs.AmyDylan said:
I'm sorry you are struggling with your health and snarky comments. Huge hugs!

As for dealing with the world of fertile mamas, I'm finding some of it really hard. Especially the whoops whining about the second pregnancy (J is almost 1, so it is starting to happen). We've been pretty quiet about our IF struggle, but to the astute observer it is quite obvious (married 6yrs, family-sized house for 5yrs, dropped the big job 3yrs ago).

I have a close friend IRL who also did IVF to get her son and while our kids are 6mo apart and not able to play together yet, it is so good to have someone to be real with and not hide the ugly IF feelings.

Can you start doing baby activities? I know your daughter was early, so this might have to wait until spring. This will get you out meeting mamas who don't know you, don't comment on your weight or health and honestly talk drifts to the kiddos.

Are you able to get out at all to workout or just walk? I went for a swim after DH got home and I feel 1000x better after being in a little funk for the last two days.

Sorry, this was kinda long and rambly. Not sure if I really answered your question. More hugs.

Thanks. I am only allowed to do my physical therapy exercises. My foot never fully woke up from the spinal and my back is just coming out of spasm. I had to have or injected.

I go to moms groups and LO loves seeing other babies, she thinks she is bigger than she is. She tried to engage a 5 month old to play with her she was literally leaning as far out of my arms as possible to reach her.
It's just that when everyone asks how old she is and I know they are asking because they are wondering y she is so small then of course the next question is why was she early and on it goes.

The worst is when ppl ask me to share my birth story or how long we waited to have kids. And these horrible woman in one group gossip and everyone in another group now knows me before they know me. For such a big city it's like a small town.

We have Isis parenting here and its all the same type of crowd everywhere you turn.

boymomstrong · December 2013

I am really sorry things are difficult... It happens, i did not lose the last 20 of my pregnancy weight until lo was 1!
Also people asking ab baby #2 are rudd! Just reply with we are enjoying lo for now....

Hugs to you dear!

CarrieB. · December 2013

Can you find some SAIFers in your area to get together with? Sorry you are feeling sad. Being a mom to a little baby is hard, especially in the winter months when it's harder to be social.

Dragonfly1226 · December 2013

@luvboston - I feel you. Unfortunately, the Mommy judging is horrible in this area! There are other nice Mamas out there though. I promise. I did my GB class at the Brookline Isis before it closed and was lucky to have a very down to earth class. Are you going to the Pru? Come have a play date with us! We live in Harvard Square right by the T.

Ruthie04 · December 2013

I'm so sorry. I really didn't come out of the fog until about 5 months. Until sleep improved, everything just seemed so overwhelming. I can relate in a sense that I have post partum issues as well and I totally get what you are saying about the worries for my fertility. It's such a bizarre thing. I see other women wanting to ttc within the first year of giving birth and I feel like such a freak. My body could never handle another pregnancy right now and I'm scared it never will. I went bat sh!t crazy when my sister wasn't using bc (despite mental health issues and serious financial woes) and was shocked she got pregnant. I still struggle when I hear about that baby.

I often feel like the whole having a baby after IF is like a giant game and we are the alternates. We get to be part of the team, but not completely. Sure, we get to go to the parties and enjoy the events, but we are never really a true part of all of the moms. There's always the chance that we won't get to "play." I spend about 90% of the time feeling like an impostor.

Lots of hugs, Mom. It's not easy.

pb_bride · December 2013

@luvBoston, the first few months are HARD, so HARD! I was an emotional mess for the longest time, my hormones were just whacked and I cried every single day until 3 months. It got better for a week or 2, until M hit the 4-month wakeful and was a nightmare to get him to nap/sleep. And I started crying again until we finally sleep-trained him. So please give yourself a slack... I don't think I got back to my "normal" self until I was 6 months pp.

Apart from these mommy friends, are there other friends (esp ones who knew your IF history) you could hang out with? They may be more sympathetic.

I didn't have many friends around here (I also live near Boston), so when M was born, I went to many different mommy-and-me classes, music class, library storytime, BF support groups. Although I met a huge number of new moms among these classes, I didn't click with any one of them until I enrolled M in a class when he was 6 months. Then I finally met a few moms who I could foresee myself hanging out with. It is just not that easy but I really encourage you to try a few more different activities with your LO and give yourself some time to heal (both physically and mentally). HUGS!

itsmevkb · December 2013

I've always been open about my fertility issues, miscarriages, treatments, etc. because I figure it's an education for other people to know what some women go through and it's better than having people guess at what is going on.

I think what you're struggling through is typical of all new moms. You're adjusting to a totally new life, literally and it's easy to be insecure about being a mom as it is the biggest responsbility you will ever have. Are you making the right choices? And then, it's not just you judging yourself, it's all the other moms judging your choices and your baby. That you have to do all that with a baby that came early just makes it all that much harder. My advice, be kind to yourself and give it time. I'm not sure if it's my age (40 freaking 2), that I've been a mom longer, or that I've had more children, but at some point I turned a corner where I just felt more secure in my decisions and I just didn't care anymore what other moms thought. You think my two year old is small, yea, what's it to ya? You think I'm a bad mom for not breastfeeding? I don't care. I know that I love my kids more than anyone else on this earth and I am making decisions for them that I am comfortable with so at that point everyone else can just bugger off.

As for all the physical things, yea, that sucks. I've struggled my entire life with my weight, had a blood clot after I had Quinn, had the cervical cancer scare after I had Maren and so right now I'm just focusing on what I can do right now in the circumstances I'm in right now to get myself as healthy as can be. You have to be kind to yourself and cut yourself a little slack. I breastfeed Shannon and GAINED weight doing it and although I would have loved to have strictly dieted and lost the weight I just knew that wasn't the time to fight that battle. So, instead I tried to make better choices but pushed off any real strong attempts to lose weight until I was in a better place (more settled routine with the baby, not dealing with trying to get pregnant again, etc.)

You'll find your way, just give yourself a little more time. And if you're around toxic women get away from them, it's just not worth the stress.

Mrs.AmyDylan · December 2013

luvboston said:

I'm sorry you are struggling with your health and snarky comments. Huge hugs!

As for dealing with the world of fertile mamas, I'm finding some of it really hard. Especially the whoops whining about the second pregnancy (J is almost 1, so it is starting to happen). We've been pretty quiet about our IF struggle, but to the astute observer it is quite obvious (married 6yrs, family-sized house for 5yrs, dropped the big job 3yrs ago).

I have a close friend IRL who also did IVF to get her son and while our kids are 6mo apart and not able to play together yet, it is so good to have someone to be real with and not hide the ugly IF feelings.

Can you start doing baby activities? I know your daughter was early, so this might have to wait until spring. This will get you out meeting mamas who don't know you, don't comment on your weight or health and honestly talk drifts to the kiddos.

Are you able to get out at all to workout or just walk? I went for a swim after DH got home and I feel 1000x better after being in a little funk for the last two days.

Sorry, this was kinda long and rambly. Not sure if I really answered your question. More hugs.
Thanks. I am only allowed to do my physical therapy exercises. My foot never fully woke up from the spinal and my back is just coming out of spasm. I had to have or injected. I go to moms groups and LO loves seeing other babies, she thinks she is bigger than she is. She tried to engage a 5 month old to play with her she was literally leaning as far out of my arms as possible to reach her. It's just that when everyone asks how old she is and I know they are asking because they are wondering y she is so small then of course the next question is why was she early and on it goes. The worst is when ppl ask me to share my birth story or how long we waited to have kids. And these horrible woman in one group gossip and everyone in another group now knows me before they know me. For such a big city it's like a small town. We have Isis parenting here and its all the same type of crowd everywhere you turn.

The physical stuff sounds really hard. I'm sorry that totally sucks and I hope that PT is able to get you patched up soon.

Can you give a diet coke version of your birth story and/or pregnancy? Especially to a new group of people and then share more as you feel comfortable? Can you try a music class or something that is more focused on the kids and less on the parents?

It is so hard becoming a mama after fighting IF so long. My IRL friend did three rounds of IVF. After avoiding pregnant friends, babies and the works for so long, she struggled with the neediness of her newborn son. Her friends with older kids laughed and said, welcome to parenting! Shouldn't you be grateful after all you've been though instead of complaining?

Snark is everywhere. Find your niche of people you like and who like you with no bullshit. Don't keep going to stuff that makes you feel like crap. And for the people that give you crap about your pp weight or lack of loss, an "are you fucking kidding me?" is appropriate.

Hugs, luv. We love you and you are cool here with no bs or snark.

Mr. & Mrs. Woodtick · December 2013

Sorry I have no real advice. I don't really have any mom friends around so I never had to deal with anything like that. I did have to deal with people judging me for some decisions I made as a mom but ultimately DH and I felt like we were doing the right thing and we didn't care what others thought.

((HUGS)) Hang in there mama!

mcgeeva · December 2013

I don't have many mom friends either so I spend most of my maternity taking walks with my pup and son every single morning. When it rained I walked around the mall. Other then that I only went to one moms group one time at the hospital and that was it. I have one friend with two kids at the time that I could talk to even though she didn't have if struggles she has other friends that did so she was pretty understanding. Most other people I don't mention struggles too because not everyone gets it. Hang in there.

imoverit · December 2013

Hugs. Sounds like you are going through a lot and having to deal with the physical injuries doesnt help. Hope things lighten up soon.

PennyLane26 · December 2013

aww luv - (((hugs)))

I thought that being infertile would get easier once G arrived. In a way it is, of course! After all, I have my LO. But it also opens up a different world of hurt, in a way.

When you are meeting new moms, bringing up IVF in a introductory convo isn't really appropriate (at least IMO - no judgement here!).

Case in point - I recently met a friend of a friend and her 2 year old. Almost immediately they started a convo about TTC #2 and directed their questions to me - G was only 4 months at the time! I tried to deflect saying "I'd love to have another but we don't have a plan yet" and the woman made a comment about doing it before 40 "unless you want a lot of drugs involved." I wanted to burst into tears.

I don't think people aren't mean - they are just ignorant.

You'd think we would be used to it by now.

I gave up joining mommy groups to be honest. I wasn't getting anything out of it and the two I tried seemed kind of clicky. What I did do was sign up for a couple of groups on meetup.com so I get emails about local activities (like free children's music programs at the hospital or library, mommy and me exercise classes, seasonal events, etc). I go to the events with G by myself, with DH, or or with a friend or SIL and their babes. That way I'm getting involved and getting out with LO without necessarily "joining" a mommy group. I've met other moms who go by themselves and have nice adult convos, too!

As for the physical issues - be nice to yourself! Your body went through hell to get pregnant and then you carried a child for an entire pregnancy! I don't have any advice except to give yourself a break, girl. And give baby a big hug.

queenbone · December 2013

(Hugs)

It's hard because people just don't think before they speak. Most of the time I have a feeling people mean well, but boy can their comments sting. It always helps to vent here!

laura1 · December 2013

Oh yes, we lived in Boston until DS was 2, and it was a little rough with some of those groups. I never did Isis, and always felt like I missed out on something because people were always talking about it! Our neighborhood had a big mom's group, and there were some cliquey people, but also some really nice people that we ended up in a playgroup with. But I remember going to a breakfast and everyone talking about how long it took them to get pregnant...I think I was the only one who didn't answer! Everyone's answer was 1-2 months, except one girl who said 6 months. I was happier keeping my story to myself... I also met people at music class, and we used to drive out of the city DS's gym class.

I now live outside of the city, and again have run into the gossipy, cliquey types...I have just had to look a little harder for a group of people that I get along with. And funny enough, in my mom's group, 2 of us went through IF treatments, and another 2 have been dealing with secondary IF. Good luck - it is so hard!

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