Dad PPD???

Re: Dad PPD???

• ladyjenna13 member

  December 2013 edited December 2013

  Maybe the problem is you ARE NOT pushing him.  Just saying, I do not think that us father's around here are going to relate to not changing a diaper or not being able to console our own children.  Sounds like you are doing most of everything, and I think your husband is well aware of that.  LIfe is stressful, tell him to deal with it.

  Might be time to put the hammer down.....

  

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• Coltsdad member

  December 2013

  PPD is a real condition for dads too, from things I've read.  That being said, if he's not willing to engage in being a father and figure things out on his own, he's probably not going to engage later.  Diapers can be intimidating at first, but they will remain that way if he doesn't change any.   Have him engage with his daughter, allow him to make mistakes and don't criticize (unless of course it puts the child in danger), if he does something well, recognize it and mention it.
  

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• ladyjenna13 member

  December 2013

  At two months how many diapers a day??  6-8 a day if I recall.

  After a week the intimidation factor should be gone.  Now, I can see getting flustered because it is his daughter, and he is a dude, but even that should not be lasting that long.

  I get at 2 months a newborn can still seem overwhelming to a lot of guys, but diaper changing is a part of reality now, so he needs to understand that at least.

  As far as bonding and feeling comfortable with his daughter, has he gone skin to skin yet with her?  That is a great way for both of them to really start to connect.

  

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• Slap8out member

  December 2013

  They do skin to skin often, he works long hours and usually 6 days a week. I'm going back to work soon and he will be responsible for her Friday nights from 3-9 or so. I don't critize his way of handling a situation, when he asks what she wants we go thru the list of possibilities, sometimes nothing works, and I know that is reality (obviously) I have learned a tremendous amount of patience after having my daughter. I think he just feels discouraged, like we won't be a good father and she doesn't like him. I personally think he is over thinking the whole thing. He knows the day is coming soon and he is going to have to buck up. I just don't want to drive him away.

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• Slap8out member

  December 2013

  He has also done some diapers, I get that little girls parts are "scary" but if she has a blow out and I'm not home he may have a meltdown. Everything can be washed no big deal, why would I be mad.

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• ladyjenna13 member

  December 2013 edited December 2013

  @Sarahlapointe

  "I haven't been pushing her on him, I let him be as involved as he wants."

  Sorry, but this statement just rubs me the wrong way.  As involved as he wants to be???  There is no middle ground in parenting.  You are all in, or all out.  You should not have to push her on him.  He should be all over her every free minute he gets.  He is her father, he has no choice but to be 100% invested in his daughter's life.  And at this point, that is diaper changes, feedings, and sleeping.

  "... He is intimidated by diaper changes, and putting it on "correctly"

  He better get on that ASAP.  a diaper change at 2 months is heaven compared to a diaper change at 1 year.  I am sorry, but after two months, this should not be happening.  This is a first week type of thing.  These are the types of things that make me think he is playing you now.  No excuses for this, and you should not be letting him get away with this. 

  "... he works long hours and usually 6 days a week"

  So do most father's.  And/or mother's.  I am up at 5am Monday through Friday.  I take the boy to daycare by 7am.  I get home from work around 5pm.  Then my parenting job starts.  We make dinner together.  We clean up together.  We play with him until bath time together.  We do bath time together.  We put him down together.  I am not saying this is possible in every household, of course, but my point is, when I am home, my first responsibility is to take care of my son and spend time with my son.

  " ...he will be responsible for her Friday nights from 3-9 or so."

  Might be the best thing for him.  Although in reality he is responsible for her every second of everyday, but baby steps I suppose. 6 hours is no big deal, considering she will probably be sleeping most of that time.  But for real, every night from after work until bedtime he should feel like he is responsible for her.  He is her dad afterall.  

  He needs to stop thinking about being a father so much, and instead just do it.  Infants are not that difficult when compared to toddlers.  Infants sleep, eat, shit, sleep.  The list of possibilities is pretty small.  if they cry, change them and feed them. if they still are crying, hold them and they will be comforted.  Unless they have a GI issue.  That is a totally different thing.

  To me, it sounds like he needs to step his game up, and you need to force the issue a little bit more.  As long as he see that it is "harmless" for him to take a back seat, he will continue to do what he is doing.

  Trust me, long-term, that is the last thing you want.  you get about ten months, and then, BAM! no more cute, innocent newborn.  Toddlers are a whole different ballgame, from diaper changes to eating, to bratty little attitudes.  I love my toddler son, but he can be a hot mess sometimes!

  I know some of this probably comes across as harsh, but as a father myself, I have no patience for a father who acts intimidated about a diaper change at two months.  I mean, come on!  That is something that should be mastered in the 2-3 days in the hospital.

  

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• gettinNone member

  December 2013

  Sarahlapointe said:

  Hi dads, need some male perspective! My DH has been having a hard time adjusting to life with a baby. Our daughter is just over 2 months. I haven't been pushing her on him, I let him be as involved as he wants. He is intimidated by diaper changes, and putting it on "correctly" I have given him some tips in what is easiest for me and he can find out what works for him. He also has a very hard time calming LO, gets frustrated and heightens the situation. I really feel guilty for putting him in this situation. He gives the 8 pm bottle to her (bonding time) I let him do his thing, I do dished, fold laundry etc. even then he gets frustrated sometimes. I know he is stressed, any words of advice to pass on in your experience that I could maybe pass on to him??? Thanks!

  I don't know if I would call it PPD, but here are a few things that might help. If he isn't getting any lovin or is stressing out about other parts of his life, that can amplify the problem. Lack of sleep can also make things worse, but that is part of being a parent. Don't watch over his shoulder, but give a genuine 'good job' the first few times he overcomes one of his issues.
  
  Now for the biggest thing....at least for me. Keep things simple and be gentle when trying to correct what he is doing. My wife has an elaborate system for how the baby's clothes get folded and put away. I will wash them, but pretty much gave up on folding and putting away because it was too complicated and I didn't want to hear how I was doing it wrong again. She was pretty gentle about trying to explain, but she cared way more than I cared about it.
  
  Last thing. Brag about him, but not to the point it makes him feel like you are patronizing him. Be suble and sometimes less is more. This is a tightrope walk, and similar to telling him he is doing a good job and you appreciate his help, but it adds a little something when you casually brag about how much he takes care of the baby to his parents.
  
  And to emphasize the point, make sure he is being 'taken care of'. This can be a HUGE mood changer.
  
  Good luck.

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• Slap8out member

  December 2013

  I feel like the last couple days have been better, maybe he is playing me and taking advantage of me not pushing him. I don't stand over him and watch like a hawk, if he needs me for anything he knows I'm not very far. Diapers are getting better,I think this whole thing might take more time. Don't get me wrong he is involved in our daughter's life and takes care of her. Thanks for your input, it certainly put things in perspective.

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• Ratpasta member

  January 2014

  If he is anything like me he is certainly mourning the loss of his former life to a certain extent.   For many guys having a baby seems to be an abstract idea until you actually get it home and then it hits home in a big way.
  
  As far as not being involved, that is a little crazy.  He should have a diaper change down to less than 15 seconds by now.... non poopy of course.
  

  

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