Issues with SO and sharing late night bottle duties

JennyCupcakes01 · December 2013

So my SO and I are just ecstatic over the arrival of Logan. SO was able to get 2 weeks off (paid!) after the little guy was born and was pretty good about sharing the "waking up at 3am" duties". He'd wake up with him one night and the next night, I'd wake up with him.

Knowing SO had to go back to work eventually, we thought that Sunday night through Thursday night, I'd start waking up with the baby and Friday and Saturday nights would be my "days off" so to speak. At first I thought that was fair and knew SO needed to get rest for his 8 hour work days, but it is REALLY starting to take a toll on me. I find myself so exhausted that I'm dozing off while burping him and the other night I just started crying for no particular reason. I tried explaining to SO that I was having trouble adjusting to the lack of sleep and maybe we could work out another arrangement. SO is putting his foot down and not willing to try other ways to share the duties during the week, which is incredibly frustrating.

I love Logan to pieces and value the bonding time with him. But something's gotta give with SO. Any suggestions on a better schedule or other ways I can approach SO with the subject?

JennyCupcakes01 · December 2013

His last bottle of the night is around 11pm-12am and SO will usually take care of feeding him around those times, but I'm still up and taking care of other things while he's doing that. I get a little OCD about the cleanliness of the apartment so I tend to sacrifice sleep so I can clean up. Same goes for trying to nap during the day. I lay there thinking of all the things I need to do. I try though.

For now I SAH but I do plan on going back to work after the New Year. At that point I'm hoping the baby will sleep at least some of the night. If not, I don't know what we'll do. SO will have no choice but to get up a few times with him during the week.

ASmallWonder · December 2013

For starters, you need to go to bed at a reasonable hour

How many times is your LO getting up at night? We always did a "before 3am is DH, after 3am is me" because there's a chance I could sleep in.

JennyCupcakes01 · December 2013

I know...I need to make myself forget dishes or laundry for one night and go to bed earlier.

He'll wake up 2-3 times during the night. Sometimes after a bottle and a diaper change he goes right back to sleep. Other times, he wants to stay up until his next bottle which kinda sucks but at least he's not crying while he's awake.

=Lee=B · December 2013

It's still really early. Your body will indeed get used to it. I remember the first 6 weeks sucked, I HATED anyone that told me my body would adapt, how dare they LIE to me. But sure enough after 6weeks I could function again. My daughter is 9months and still gets up every 2hrs to nurse. It does not affect me anymore...sure my brain is a lot dumber than pre-baby but I function and I am not utterly exhausted.

My husband works, and needs to be alert at work so I have done all night wakings for the last 9months...I don't need to be alert and I can nap during the day if needed.

Leave the dishes, leave the laundry and nap during the day. In a few months when you have adapted to the lack of sleep start worrying about a clean house.

natalie202 · December 2013

I do 95% of nighttime care in our family. It's what works for my husband and I because of his work schedule and our respective sleep needs. There are many other ways he contributes, but nighttime help just isn't realistically in the cards, so this is status quo and has been for over 2.5 years. This is true whether I'm working or not.

I so understand knowing you need to get to bed but staying up to clean or accomplish other stuff instead. A compromise that has worked for me is to alternate my evenings. One night I get in bed as soon as the littles are asleep and the absolute minimum essentials are done. Then, the next night I give myself permission to stay up for a couple hours to get stuff done. Overall, things are a little less tidy, but it's going to have to be that way if I'm going to take care of me. And on the nights I stay up, I'm way more efficient because I'm "well rested" and know I don't get this accomplish stuff time every night.

SharonB222 · December 2013

What do they say about compromise and relationships? I'd start by telling him what you could do to help you do most nights and tell him kindly and firmly that you can't do all five, all night - and ask how he could help. As a FTM my mother or DH helped me at night from time to time. As a STM on Leave from work I can do all nights, every two hrs, by taking two naps during the day (and hardly anything else), co-sleeping from time to time at night, and asking DH to do an early morning (5am) burp/diaper change. When I go back to work, we'll do some split, maybe similar to pp's but reversed (me before x AM, DH after; coord w/EBF). If your SO cannot help, what would you need to do to remain sane? Stop or hire help to make meals, pay bills, clean house, babysit? I pay airfare for my mom to come help.

EmR22 · December 2013

First you need to give yourself time to adjust and that means putting dishes, laundry on a back burner. Yes they need to be done but maybe slowly pick away at them. So not spending the entire nap time doing chores but maybe say I am going to do as much as I can in 15 minutes then I will lay down.

I guess I have been lucky but even when I am a SAHM my DH got up once a night with DS. I put DS to bed while DH went to bed early and then DH got DS at first wake up. We lucked out that he only got up 2 times a night so it wasn't too bad.

If your SO will not get up with LO then when SO gets home from work can he take LO for an hour so you can nap? We all need time for ourselves or we go insane. Something so little as an hour could make a huge improvement for you.

Edit for spacing

ranaverde · December 2013

What other people have said about getting naps in, and letting household chores slide a bit. Also, if you go to bed that late (that's my bedtime too - I'm a night owl!) you need to be sure that you sleep late too and try to get in at least one nap during the day. That way if the baby has a rough night, you have something in reserve.

(I breastfeed and can't sleep through the baby complaining when her diaper's changed, so nighttime duty is all on me. My husband takes over diaper duties during the day, and we both share household chores. Generally, I expect that I can get one "big" chore - like laundry or grocery shopping - done per day, but not more. Smaller chores - like emptying the dishwasher or writing thank you cards or taking a shower - are done in little bits between feedings, and if there's a lot of little chores or the baby is cranky then the big chores get shoved onto another day or my husband handles them. The hardest part is making myself take a nap, but, as I said, it makes a huge amount of difference in my mood and energy.)

mhwood · December 2013

Prior to getting pregnant, we discussed things like this and we decided that whenever possible we split things 50/50.

DH gets up and warms her bottle while I change her bum, I feed her, then hand her over for him to burp her. We keep the room dark, and we don't do a lot of talking. It makes feeding time more efficient and DD2 drifts right back to sleep at the end of her bottle.

JennyCupcakes01 · December 2013

Thanks for the feedback. I'll attempt to nap while he's napping (we'll see how that works).

I COULD be sleeping now but SO came home and almost immediately took off to hang out with his brother-in-law...so I'm on baby duty...still...

VegasGal1978 · December 2013

Advice I was given by a coworker....learn to let go. Sometimes things need to wait in order for other things to happen. Focus on getting a good schedule going with your SO. House cleaning may have to wait, and that is okay. Once you get used to the schedule you will know where to fit in cleaning. With my DH, we do similar to a PP. he takes anything before 3am, I take anything after. I go to bed early so I can get a few hours straight sleep (getting up only to pump). Then he comes to bed and I take over. Not saying that this is the best for you , but at least it gives you some ideas. It does get easier once you can find a flow.

aessary03 · December 2013

I'm sorry you're having a rough go. New babies are incredibly exhausting. Would he be willing to do the feed before he goes to bed? My hubby will let me fall asleep around 8 or 9 and he feeds or son the feed after I fall asleep and then I get a solid 6-7 hours of sleep before the next feeding. It works wonders at making me feel way more rested. Hopefully he'd be open to do something like that.

daniann333 · December 2013

I am having the same issue. LO is almost 7 weeks old and DH is really not helpful at night. Last night for example, I asked him to do the 11pm feeding and I would do the middle of the night. This worked for a day or so seeing we are both back to work full time. Last night he fed DS and then woke me up to put him to bed. Apparently I was not specific enough. The feeding includes putting him back to bed. I have learned to accept that we are the stronger species and to just plan on taking care of it myself until DS sleeps through the night. If not, I would build resentment toward DH and thats not healthy for our marriage. I just keep telling myself this is not forever. IT will be our last child though....

AngeliaG8 · December 2013

Snowboarderbritt said:
I know with my husbands job he needs to be on his game mentally. He needs sleep to be able to do his job well. I have taken over nighttime duties since he went back to work after 1 week. We are now at 10 weeks and doing great! It just takes some time to get into a groove.

My husband helped with a few nights that were REALLY rough, but other than that I think of this as my job too. I know this is slightly an unpopular opinion on the bump. I don't have another job right now, so nighttime duties are my responsibility. However my husband has really stepped up when it comes to other household chores.

I could have wrote this. I was actually going to. Only DD is 2 weeks. DH's job can be dangerous so he really needs to be on top of his game. I mentally prepared to be the only one getting up during my pregnancy and that helps. Plus nights like last night (while it wasn't bad) I was exhausted. I was able to make it to 4:30. I had fed her and laid her down and she woke right back up. With DH normally getting up a 5 anyway I woke him up and asked for help. So while I take nighttime/feeding(ebf) normally, he'll help with diapers/burping/rocking if I ask.

Eta: giving DH baby duty when he gets home so I can take a nice longish nightly shower has really helped my sanity.

Littlemama01 · December 2013

I do all the feelings In this house (ebf for now) , I don't know why but it doesn't bother me, I don't feel sleep deprived. I go to bed with Dh between 9-10pm after a feed usually get until 1-3 am before ds wants another feed, back in bed after an hour-ish, another feed around 5 am and back In bed until 8:30-9 ish. I don't want dh getting up because because he works in a job where it would be easy easy to be injured and I don't want him tired. I'm getting enough sleep that I don't need afternoon naps so that's when I do dishes and laundry.

In your situation I would ask Dh for help with the housework if if he refuses to help with night feeds during the week.

Plus PP are right, let some things go.

=Lee=B · December 2013

Also...change the way you look at things you've accomplished. Heck, make a list of all you've done today. Rather than looking at what is not done. Our friends gave us a comic book when we had our daughter "Baby Blues" it was down right hilarious. Basically looking at how parenting is so not what you think it's going to be.

My husband is somewhat obsessive compulsive, neat freak, mr. organized. This comic book helped us survive those early months. We would quote to each other. My favorite was the comic about the mom rushing to the door and excitedly telling her husband who just got home from work that she was 300% more efficient today, than yesterday. She had washed 3 plates today, THREE...whereas the day before she managed 1 plate. The pictures show a disaster of a house, a screaming baby, clothes and diapers everywhere. But, they were thrilled with her accomplishment.

The list of what we don't do is always going to be longer than the list of what we do...but when you make a list and see how many diapers you changed, clothes you changes, how many times you fed the baby, burped the baby, rocked the baby, got the baby to sleep etc...you feel that little bit better.

I remember in the early months making a mental note of how much time I spent doing things for baby and it was insane...it was like 60min on diaper changes, 2hrs nursing, 60min burping etc etc., all in one 24 hr period.

SharonB222 · December 2013

I finally made it clear to DH that I need him around and so he has sacrificed many of his "me time" activities. I am still not good at asking him to help me out (e.g. watch LO while I...) for my "me time" but I am getting better. Example, DH "I'm going to the neighbors to watch the game (3 hrs)", me "Would you watch LO while I shower or else take him with you for 20 min? and would you stop by to help with his next feeding at x, or else come back by x+1?" Kind of like with toddlers, avoid a yes/no question, give them options instead.

. I still get resentful at times, but less so. I see resentment as an indicator that I need to figure out want I want and how to get it or accept a delay.

slh6363 · December 2013

I know how you feel about needing to get things done! I am like that too and can never relax until everything on my mind is taken care of. However we worked out our routine so that DH does the last feeding before bed around 11, and I try to get to bed by 10. I would have to get up every time in the beginning anyway bc I EP. And it was rough at first I felt like a zombie! Now at 12 weeks things are so much better...LO only wakes up once MOTN and I feed and pump then. Feel just fine in the mornings! Although that is with sleeping in til about 8:30...will be a different story once I go back to work!

huntjul · December 2013

You might consider having DH either take the first night feeding at 11-12 or the last night feeding so you can get a slightly longer block. That's what we did after I intro'd the bottle at 3 weeks (pumped milk). He should still be able to function at work after doing one nighttime feeding. I agree with PP about offering choices when you need help. Do ask for help. Don't guilt, don't let resentment build. Just say, I need help. Do you want to do the dishes or give LO a bath tonight? Also, definitely let some of the OCD slide, or have a family member come help out, or hire a cleaning lady for a few weeks. It will get a lot easier in the coming weeks as the time between feedings can stretch out. So lay off the perfection for now, feed your baby, take care of your marriage, and get some sleep to look after yourself too.

Mae208 · December 2013

Snowboarderbritt said:
I know with my husbands job he needs to be on his game mentally. He needs sleep to be able to do his job well. I have taken over nighttime duties since he went back to work after 1 week. We are now at 10 weeks and doing great! It just takes some time to get into a groove.

My husband helped with a few nights that were REALLY rough, but other than that I think of this as my job too. I know this is slightly an unpopular opinion on the bump. I don't have another job right now, so nighttime duties are my responsibility. However my husband has really stepped up when it comes to other household chores.

This is us, too. I think being an exhausted mom of a newborn is just normal. It sucks, but that's just how it goes when you have a new baby. Try to take naps during the day to catch up on sleep.

PrimRoseMama · December 2013

Why not have him do dishes etc. so you can get some sleep? WTF does he do when he gets home?

jess2121 · December 2013

My SO have always had different sleeping schedules before our LO was born (I am early to bed and earlier to rise / he is late to bed and late to rise), so this is the schedule we worked out for us. It won't work for everyone, but we have yet to even fight once about getting up for the LO.

My SO gives our LO her last bottle at 8PM and puts her to bed, while he is doing that I take a shower and pump. After showering and pumping, which is usually around 9PM I go to bed. My SO takes care of our LO from 8PM until 2AM. My SO gives our LO a dream feed at 11PM. If our LO gets up from 9PM - 2AM my SO takes care of it, so I can get a solid 5 hrs of sleep. If she doesn't wake up, my husband has his free time or can choose to sleep. At 2AM my SO wakes me and my shift starts. So if our LO wakes up from 2AM - 7AM (which she always does 1-2 times) she is my responsibility, so I feed her and put her back to bed, while my husband sleeps. During my shift, I sleep when my LO sleeps, so I might even get to pick up an extra 2 hrs.

This is our schedule every night. Right now I feel my SO are two ships passing in the night, but I do wake up feeling rested. Also, I know this won't be our schedule forever, just right now until our LO gets older and starts sleeping through the night. All the best.

JennyCupcakes01 · December 2013

PrimRoseMama said:

Why not have him do dishes etc. so you can get some sleep? WTF does he do when he gets home?

Since I posted this, he's been better. I mentioned to him that I'm also tired and need help. Sometimes I still have to remind him to do something like washing the bottles or vacuuming, but at least I don't get lip from him.

But there were times before where he'd come home and immediately "have" to go in the garage to hang out with his brother-in-law (who lives next door to us so it's not like he never sees him). It was always something though. Something that would drag him out of the house. I know it sucks to be tired all the time especially when he's working full time but that comes with the joys of having a baby.

JennyCupcakes01 · December 2013

Nicb13 said:

JennyCupcakes01 said:

PrimRoseMama said:

Why not have him do dishes etc. so you can get some sleep? WTF does he do when he gets home?

Since I posted this, he's been better. I mentioned to him that I'm also tired and need help. Sometimes I still have to remind him to do something like washing the bottles or vacuuming, but at least I don't get lip from him.

But there were times before where he'd come home and immediately "have" to go in the garage to hang out with his brother-in-law (who lives next door to us so it's not like he never sees him). It was always something though. Something that would drag him out of the house. I know it sucks to be tired all the time especially when he's working full time but that comes with the joys of having a baby.

Not all men, but quite a few, need to straight up be told what we'd like them to do. Some women (myself included at times) get all pissy when men can't figure out what we want. Just tell him what you need him to help with and hopefully he will do it willingly

Exactly. Life would be easier if they could look at the overflowing trash and think "Oh. I should probably take that out".

muffyvonmuff · December 2013

The first month is rough. At 6 weeks I saw a significant change and by 8 weeks my LO is sleeping 8 hours only waking up for 15 min once to eat and get changed. Hang in there.

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