The ugly side of spilling the beans

cookiemomma14 · December 2013

So I've read several posts about bosses and family telling the news that is not theirs to share. I really just think I'm looking for confirmation that it is ok that I'm ticked. My mother was told over Thanksgiving. We said not to tell others until after the first trimester. No worries, right? Wrong. This will be her first grand baby, so I get it that she is excited. But we have only told CLOSE family and friends. We likely won't make a fb announcement or anything either because we think those that should know will be told. Anyways, I get a fb message this week from someone who USE to be my step sister from when I was age 10-15. I no longer talk to her and don't agree with her lifestyle of 8 kids, living on welfare and refuse to get a job, making her 72 y.o. grandmother support and help care for her and her kids while living with her and losing 5 of her kids to dcfs. Blah blah blah. You get the point. Well this person messages me and I haven't seen her or talked to her in maybe 5-7 years. She said she "heard" my news and wanted to say "about time" and was excited for me "considering the loss" I had before. Really? I only told my mother about the previous miscarriage. I was so hurt and betrayed and then angry.

My mother's response "I was excited and it slipped!" Really? A miscarriage slipped or of your mouth? She apologized and said she didn't know why she said that. It just really hurt that she told that personal story about our loss especially to someone I don't really know anymore. I had a hard enough time telling her.

gooliahank · December 2013

That sucks. I'd be annoyed too. But nothing you can do about it now.

biglewzer · December 2013

I would be hurt

starlight0412 · December 2013

You have every right to be hurt. That would drive me crazy. I'm sorry she did that to you.

jackieo1309 · December 2013

I would really not be happy. Obviously it's a risk you take when you share the news that it will go further than you wanted it to, but if I thought I couldn't tell my own mom because she would share with the world I would be really annoyed. When we were first doing fertility testing a few years ago I was talking to MIL on the phone about it and FIL happened to overhear because he was in the same room. So he emails his sister (DH's aunt, who DH has never really been close to) and starts telling her all of this. Next thing we know she's emailing articles about fertility drugs, etc. I was livid. So we made it very clear when we shared that we were pregnant that this was a secret, but FIL still asks if he can tell his sister every week.

Sorry you had to deal with that. I guess it helps that your mom apologized, but I understand that it would still hurt.

netsirk2013 · December 2013

I would be hurt. It would be hard for me to not snap on the girl that messaged me and tell how I feel. But if I were you I wouldn't telly mom anything again either. Maybe u can pay her back by not telling her the sex.

katnipeverclean · December 2013

I'd be so pissed! Sorry you are having to deal with this!

hgtvmom · December 2013

While I kind of understand being irritated, I think people get way too bent out of shape about this stuff. You tell 1 person and it is going to get out. You shun you favorite food in front of a co-worker and speculations will be made. And spread. Wear your fat pants? Same thing.

My parents told all sorts of people in their circle of friends and our extended family. We live in different cities, so they didn't see a real issue with it. Whatever. I just can't bring myself to get all worked up about something I have zero control over. If you don't want people to know, don't say anything. To anyone. And it still may get out before you are "ready."

knitsandgiggles · December 2013

I'd be pretty pissed too.

cookiemomma14 · December 2013

netsirk2013 said:
I would be hurt. It would be hard for me to not snap on the girl that messaged me and tell how I feel. But if I were you I wouldn't telly mom anything again either. Maybe u can pay her back by not telling her the sex.

Haha. Cold. But with how I feel right now it sounds good. Ahh, I'm not good at holding grudges though. Do she'll likely know AFTER everyone else.

biglewzer · December 2013

Anytime you tell somebody something in confidence and then you find out that they told other people, it's hurtful.

cookiemomma14 · December 2013

Pup4gdb said:
While I kind of understand being irritated, I think people get way too bent out of shape about this stuff. You tell 1 person and it is going to get out. You shun you favorite food in front of a co-worker and speculations will be made. And spread. Wear your fat pants? Same thing.

My parents told all sorts of people in their circle of friends and our extended family. We live in different cities, so they didn't see a real issue with it. Whatever. I just can't bring myself to get all worked up about something I have zero control over. If you don't want people to know, don't say anything. To anyone. And it still may get out before you are "ready."

I don't think I'm bent out of shape about it. I'm just hurt. I really am not worried about her telling that I am pregnant, rather about the loss. That was told to my MOTHER in complete confidence. I told her that when I told her and was really upset about it.

I'm not sure if you are saying you had a loss and your family told everyone or if you're taking about being pregnant. But that is two different kinds of information.

hgtvmom · December 2013

bcook530 said:

Pup4gdb said:
While I kind of understand being irritated, I think people get way too bent out of shape about this stuff. You tell 1 person and it is going to get out. You shun you favorite food in front of a co-worker and speculations will be made. And spread. Wear your fat pants? Same thing.

My parents told all sorts of people in their circle of friends and our extended family. We live in different cities, so they didn't see a real issue with it. Whatever. I just can't bring myself to get all worked up about something I have zero control over. If you don't want people to know, don't say anything. To anyone. And it still may get out before you are "ready."
I don't think I'm bent out of shape about it. I'm just hurt. I really am not worried about her telling that I am pregnant, rather about the loss. That was told to my MOTHER in complete confidence. I told her that when I told her and was really upset about it.

I'm not sure if you are saying you had a loss and your family told everyone or if you're taking about being pregnant. But that is two different kinds of information.

It's a general statement - there are SO many threads about this, with people very upset about it. We haven't had a loss but we've been through 4 years of infertility. This got out too. People talk. I didn't really need acquaintances to know we had issues, but they do. (And I'm not equating the two at all).

People deal/process loss in different ways. While, for you, the best thing to do to process may be to hold it close, others are people who need to talk about it. I do not believe that most people who let stuff "slip" are doing so maliciously. It's just not something I can allow myself to feel hurt by. Their intent wasn't to hurt, but to share their part of the loss and/or joy. And anyone we tell has some part in that loss and/or joy.

dobbyisfree · December 2013

I still havent told my mom this time because I dont trust her not to talk. I want to wait til the 1st trimester is over, but my husband wants to tell 2 weeks early, at Christmas. Just parents. But for my mom, just parents means nothing. My dad will kill her though if he hears me tell her not a word and finds out she blabs though so at least Ill have him on my side

this+gamer+chick · December 2013

You have every right to be angry. My friends and family were very supportive and even told me it was "my news to tell" when I said it was ok to talk about it to other people. Some people just can't keep their mouths shut.

SweetTamale38 · December 2013

Losses take the innocent and happy joy away from sharing these things. It's a shame, but sometimes we just have to protect ourselves by keeping quiet until we are ready. Just got off the phone with my mom an hour ago and had to sigh because I just still can't tell her. Hugs to you, @bcook530

SuperTinkerham · December 2013

I completely understand being upset. I just feel like fertility or health issues are not something to speculate about or something to share unless it is your news. Ugh. My mother betrayed my trust similarly, and we are still debating on telling her about SharkBaby.

violet615 · December 2013

I know how you feel. My mother is the same way. She thinks everyone's news is hers to share. I hate hearing about other people's business second hand before their ready to share. I just knew when I became pregnant that I could not share it with her until I was ready to share it with everyone. It's easy to say don't tell anyone if you don't want people to know. But when it's your mother it's particularly hard bc these big private moments are things that most people look forward to sharing with parents. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I've tried to talk to my mom about not gossiping, it never seems to make any difference. So at 9 weeks we heard the heartbeat and I was so excited that I wanted to share with my parents. I asked my mom not to tell anyone until closer to to christmas but just as suspected she told everyone she knew. My entire extended family knew by the next day. I'm disappointed that I wasn't a part of sharing the news but some things will never change. I know how you feel.

January Bride · December 2013

I would be really upset, too. I'm sorry she did this.

cookiemomma14 · December 2013

Thanks everyone. The support means a lot!

AirborneDizzy · December 2013

Situations like this remind me of an old proverb:

"The only way for 3 people to keep a secret, is if 2 of them are dead."

Long and short of it, if you don't want it getting out to people, then don't tell anyone. *shrugs*

livkight · December 2013

Ugh that's terrible! I'm so sorry you had to feel that.

allardr · December 2013

I'd be hurt and straight out tell her you've lost a lot of trust in her. Maybe in future with big news she won't be one of the firsts to know.

hupp0013 · December 2013

I'm sorry. I would be hurt too.

AmericanInOz · December 2013

That sucks

I know my Mom and my SIL will tell everyone as soon as I tell them too, and not wait for the 1st tri

but to share about your loss to someone you don't even speak to, that's really hurtful

ohwhyknow · December 2013

That is awful. I am so sorry your mother made you feel like that and put you in such an uncomfortable position. Hope the rest of your news it spread when you decide!

twister22 · December 2013

I am so sorry. I would be beyond pissed, honestly. Two times ago MIL did something similar to me, so this time although she knows we're pregnant, she hasn't received any updates or ultrasound pictures. I know it's a bitch thing to do, but I'm not happy with MIL regardless right now...

[Deleted User] · December 2013

I agree with 90% of the people who've responded to you; it's one thing if you tell her and she goes around telling people and a completely different story if you explictly tell her not to say a word. I'd be furious and verbally furious at that. We have only told our coworkers and close friends near where we live- we are 1000 miles away from all our family. The only the person I told from home was my best friend who I got advice from on infertility and my sister who is going to move home with us. She's been dying to say something for weeks now but has held it together!

My fear is that we are telling my IL first and if they post something on FB and my family finds out, we are done for. Hopefully the MIL keeps her mouth shut. Mostly concerned she's going to be blabbing it around everyone and not in the most positive light. Don't think she's ready to be a Grandma but heaven forbid her responsible son who's been married a few years, has a stable job, and owns a house produce a child now. Ugh. Sorry about the rant.

bissea83 · December 2013

I feel your pain! my mom is the same way so she's finding out at Christmas . I told my in- laws , boss and siblings already. I know my mom will feel hurt that she was not the first to know but I know it will be on Facebook about 2 seconds after she promises not to share...knowing her she'll send a mass e-mail out too ... it sucks that we can't trust our own parents and it is ok to be upset . I am truly sorry you have to deal with this!

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