Baby Fever Help

cmbt2 · December 2013

Hi, this is my first post, and I'm simply looking advice on how to curb my baby fever. There may be a post or a few on this already, but I only skimmed the first few pages of posts when I searched for one.

My SO and I have had the discussion over and over on when to have our first baby. He knows I want them now, but he's not ready to do so. We agreed to wait until May 2015. It wasn't easy for me to agree with him on that as I've had baby fever for a long while now (3+ years). I try not to even bring up the subject of a baby most of the time. We completely agree on everything regarding a baby (and anything else in our lives) other than when to start trying. I've tried to distract myself from it, but I haven't found anything that works. He suggested babysitting, but every time I'm around kids, it just makes things worse. He's worried that if he doesn't give in, that I'll eventually grow to resent him, because he knows how bad I want one and said he can see it in my face whenever I see kids (which made me feel like the world's worst SO when he said that to me).

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to curb the baby fever? I've tried hobbies, reading everything I could on TTC, pregnancy, and afterwards, I have no interest in going on trips. Help?

Jags8 · December 2013

I would suggest STOP reading "everything [you] can find on TTC, pregnancy, and afterwards."

Stick to your hobbies. Live your life as you always have. Take a moment every day to enjoy and appreciate what you have now.

ETA: And stay off thebump and these boards.

jlbeanza · December 2013

So just curious--what will change for your SO in May 2015? Are you waiting on finances? Other things? Or just to magically "be ready"? If there is a reason, sometimes it helps to focus on preparing rather than the having a baby part. It also might help you be more okay with waiting if you really understand his reasons.

Also, reading up on TTC and pregnancy does NOT help diminish baby fever--it probably makes it worse (opposite of distracting yourself).

I only had the baby fever kick in about a year after MH and I got married, and then it was go time, but we were almost 30 then and we were both just finally ready because we knew we had everything in order (great relationship, dog, house, steady jobs, savings, etc.)

Since I had my DD the baby fever has come in waves, and for me it helps to focus on what I have now and enjoy that so I don't overly obsess. It works for me! I know you don't have a baby to focus on yet, but you have your SO and a life with him. It is very important for both of you to be ready because it IS a huge step, so take a deep breath, and try to be patient.

Good luck!

Ducktale · December 2013

Step 1: Step away from The Bump and all things pregnancy related.

After that, you just need to focus on other things in life. Even when you do have babies they should not be your whole life. You need to find other interests. Try new things. Get involved in groups, volunteer. Go out with friends. Make goals that are not related to a baby and work hard on those. There are so many things to do that are not related to babies. Enjoy your husband and this time with him. Enjoy this time in your life and know the next step will come, but don't waste these awesome years focusing on the future.

This question does get asked here frequently and it always perplexes me. Do people really just sit at home all day thinking about babies? I always thought I had baby fever, but I also have other interests...babies is just one of them. Your children should never consume all of you. You need an identity outside of children/babies. This goes for now and in the future.

Here's a recent thread on this topic:

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/comment/78682200/#Comment_78682200

FemShep · December 2013

Think about what you need to do to prep for a baby. How's your health? How are your finances? Do you have at least 6 months in savings? How about STD, LTD, and life insurance? Make sure you've done what you can to get your life ready for being a parent.

Also think about things you want to be sure you do *before* you become a parent. Travel. Go back to school. Learn a new skill. Develop a new hobby. Renovate your house. While it's possible to do all of these things as a parent, it's way WAY more difficult to do so.

And yeah, stop reading up on babies, TTC, and related stuff. Just makes the baby fever way worse.

SmileyJay · December 2013

You should search a little harder because I swear 3 of these types of questions pop up every single week.

Best advice is to stop thinking about babies. Don't get on a board called the bump. Do not read about pregnancy or obsess about names. Easier said than done but if you just don't look stuff up on the internet you will curb about 90% of it.

My wonderful pets have really helped me displace some of my motherly energy when we were waiting. We have two dogs and a cat, and I have learned so much about myself and my abilty to mother from them. If you are not an animal person, this will sound nuts so just excuse me.

We have also invested time in our community and others children through volunteering and coaching youth sports. It fills our time and allows us to learn more about working with children and enjoying their company. Next week will mark our 6th Christmas together and we are hoping to start trying in January... everyone has their little list of what they want done. We decided to balance that list with our hopes for a large family (3+ kids) and wanting to be young parents. It is all a balancing game but you both have to be ready for it. Good for you for trying to be patient with him. Don't be surprised if 2015 rolls around and he is still not ready... also don't be surprised if 6 months from now he is begging for a baby. That is pretty much what happened with us... this time last year we were going to wait 3 years... but now we feel ready!

FemShep · December 2013

starscream said:

FemShep said:

How about STD, LTD, and life insurance?

When I first read that I was thinking "why is she worried about STDs?" It's time for me to go back to bed.

Doesn't every woman want to get her STDs out of the way before pregnancy?

cmbt2 · December 2013

I'll clarify a few things. I'm going to apologize in advance if it sounds a bit snippy or something doesn't make sense. I don't mean it to; I'm not a morning person and being at work at 6am in the morning (Boston traffic necessitates that)...

I have other interests, too. I work full-time, go out with friends, do couples things, read, craft, etc. I don't sit around all day thinking about it; it pops up in my head while doing things, and lately, I haven't been able to push it away like normal. I only stumbled upon this forum at work when I was talking with my SO about how to distract myself with other things as well. I didn't have time to read through every post, so I only skimmed a few that popped up on a search. I read up on it to know what was involved. I'm a scientist, an engineer, I like to know how things work and what all is involved, so that's partly why I was reading everything--the other part was that was his suggestion, to learn what I could before we made the plunge so we weren't 100% caught off-guard (99.9% is still less than 100%).

We said May 2015 because it will allow him to have the majority of his Ph.D. completed, no longer stranding me as the main income earner (hopefully), and I'll be well on my way to my certification--so financially speaking, it's a perfect reason to wait. Moving up in my field doesn't involve working long hours or much traveling. It's gaining years of experience (you need 2-3 years to move up the first time, 6+ for the second, etc.) and eventually being tested on what you learn to gain certification, so I also study for that at night. Actually going back to school doesn't interest me in the slightest; I have my B.S. and that's enough for me. Maybe one day that will change, but not anytime soon.

SmileyJay · December 2013

You have tons of time to learn the ins and outs of babies before May 2015. And then you get another 9 months after that. I can tell you are a planner type - I am very type A personality and logic-focused so having a child and all of the unknowns can get overwhelming. If learning about pregnancy and babies helps you curb this energy and calms you, then that's perfectly fine. I just hope your DH is patient and understanding when every week you are throwing out baby names or asking if he wants to cloth diaper.

Just throwing this out there... is now really an awful time? I mean your husband is in grad school so hopefully has a flexible schedule so you could work out child care, you have a good job and are used to staying up late anyways, etc. I'm just saying it may not be perfect, but sounds like you are closer than 2 years out. Maybe that's just me. If it is something you both want then I think it would be a possibility even though you aren't rich yet lol There are ways to make it work, but it requires you both to be on board and it sounds like he isn't there yet.

My husband and I both just have BS degrees. I am wanting to go back for my masters but waiting until student loans are paid off in a few years. We looked at our budget and our goals for our family and decided there will never be a perfect time, but now is the good time. Life continues even after baby is born - you can still save money, you can still go places, you can still finish degrees as long as you are motivated. Everyone is different.

tlc35 · December 2013

TheCraftyKoala said:
You have tons of time to learn the ins and outs of babies before May 2015. And then you get another 9 months after that. I can tell you are a planner type - I am very type A personality and logic-focused so having a child and all of the unknowns can get overwhelming. If learning about pregnancy and babies helps you curb this energy and calms you, then that's perfectly fine. I just hope your DH is patient and understanding when every week you are throwing out baby names or asking if he wants to cloth diaper.

Just throwing this out there... is now really an awful time? I mean your husband is in grad school so hopefully has a flexible schedule so you could work out child care, you have a good job and are used to staying up late anyways, etc. I'm just saying it may not be perfect, but sounds like you are closer than 2 years out. Maybe that's just me. If it is something you both want then I think it would be a possibility even though you aren't rich yet lol There are ways to make it work, but it requires you both to be on board and it sounds like he isn't there yet.

My husband and I both just have BS degrees. I am wanting to go back for my masters but waiting until student loans are paid off in a few years. We looked at our budget and our goals for our family and decided there will never be a perfect time, but now is the good time. Life continues even after baby is born - you can still save money, you can still go places, you can still finish degrees as long as you are motivated. Everyone is different.

I think the reason now is not a good time is that her DH isn't ready.

barefootbluejean204 · December 2013

I understand completely as I'm in a similar situation. I've tried pushing the thoughts away or trying to just forget it but it is always underlying, the strongest thing I've ever felt besides my love for DH. Just trying to focus on goals (mostly financially) and DH is not ready so I would never push him. Enjoying the extra time with DH and all the above mentioned (sleeping in, watching our shows uninterrupted, etc) and I work more than full time so that takes up most of my time.

GL and I hope your DH will come around as will mine hopefully!

mylittlesunshine · December 2013

I have two little girls. Now that I have been a parent for four years, let me give you a small list of what I wish I would have done before starting our family.

Go on more short weekend trips. Go on a nice vacation. Went to more movies while they were in the theater. Went out to fancy restaurants. Saved more money. Lose weight. Go on a cruise. Pursued a hobby like sewing. Taken a non-credit class just for fun. Volunteered.

I am not saying any of these activities are impossible with children, but doing these things when you have children takes both time and money. Something I have realized gets harder to come by when you have children.

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