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"Reflections About Time and Change" (Long)

luciddreamer106luciddreamer106 member
in TTC After a Loss
Last night, MH got a call from his mom (who lives in another state) that her estranged father was in the local ER and it didn't look good. Even though he hasn't seen or talked to his grandpa in 15 years, she wanted him to go and tell him that she loved him and to also meet up with his great aunt and help her through the process. That's just the back story and not why I'm writing this post. 

They gave us a bereavement packet so we could pass it on to his mom so they can make arrangements. In the packet, there was a piece written about grief and I thought I would share because it really applies to all types of loss of a loved one.

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Reflection About Time and Change -- Dennis Klass, PhD, Webster University, St. Louis, MO

I often wonder what people are thinking when they say "You'll get over it."  Sometimes it sounds to me as if they are talking about a case of mumps or my despair at income tax time.  But what can they mean when they say it about grief?  Maybe they mean that grief is just an interruption in life.  Their theory seems to be that life is basically happy -- buying stuff, working, watching TV -- but that a time of death and grief is an unnatural and sad time in that happy life.  I can't agree with that view.

Time can lessen the hurt; the empty place we have can seem smaller as other things and experiences fill our life; we can forget for periods and feel as if our loved one didn't die; we can find sense in the death and understand that perhaps this death does fit into a bigger design in the world**; we can learn to remember the good and hold on to that.

But we cannot "get over it" because to get over it would mean we were not changed by the experience. It would mean we did not grow by the experience.  It would mean that death made no difference in our life.

There is an interesting discussion in the Talmud, an ancient Jewish writing.  Jews had the custom of rending their garments -- literally tearing their clothes -- to symbolize the 'ripping apart' that death brings.  But the question was raised, after the period of mourning, could you sew the garment up and use it again?  The teachers answered yes, but when you mended it, you should not tuck the edges under so it looks as if it had never torn.  This symbolized the fact that life after grief is not the same as before.  The rent will show  The next question was, can you sell that garment? The teachers answered No.  The rending and mending of our life is ours and others cannot wear it.

No, we don't get over it.  We change and grow.  our life as a difference which is ours alone.  Perhaps we can help each other make that difference the kind of difference that increases the world's supply of compassion, love and healing.


**I know everyone doesn't agree with this view (myself included), so I'm sorry if this phrase upsets anyone.
Multiple TTCAL 1image
image
 TTC #1 since March 2011 
BFP #1: EDD 4/16/13~~blighted ovum w/ 2 gestational sacs~~Loss on 9/18/12
BFP #2: EDD 9/3/13~~Slow HB at 1st U/S~~MMC -Loss on 2/13/13
9/13, 10/13, 1/14: letrozole + trigger + TI = All BFNs
3/14: IUI#1 letrozole/Bravelle/Menopur + trigger = BFN
BFP #3: EDD 1/27/15 Please be our rainbow! ...Team Green


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Re: "Reflections About Time and Change" (Long)

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  • masterofallcheesemasterofallcheese member
    thank you so much for sharing that. i plan on giving this to people in hopes they will slightly understand how i feel. also, t&p to your hubby. i have dealt with the sickness of an estranged family Member and it brings forth many emotions that are often well hidden before

    Missed M/C natural cycle 10/2013

    DX PCOS 3/2014

    2 cycles Clomid 50 mg + Ovidrel + TI

    1 cycle Clomid 50 mg + TI - no response stair-stepped to Clomid 75 mg + Ovidrel + TI

    1 cycle Clomid 50 mg + Ovidrel + IUI

    1 cycle Letrozole 7.5 mg + 150 mg Follistim + Ovidrel + TI

    1 cycle Letrozole 7.5 mg + 150 mg Folistim + Ovidrel + IUI

    1 cycle Letrozole 7.5 mg + 150 mg Follistim  - no response, repeated Letrozole 7.5 mg + 150 mg Follistim + Ovidrel + IUI = success! 12/2014

    Beta 1 - 15 dpiui, 324, Beta 2 - 17 dpiui 750. Twins!!

    My Blog: pcosandpizza.blogspot.com


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  • megrae12megrae12 member
    Thanks for sharing. T&P to YH and family. 
    Multiple TTCAL 1IF 3
    imageimage
    DX: stage 2 Endo 2012, PCOS 7/2/14,  HSG 6/11/14, Lefty open!!
    BFP#1, EDD: 4/27/14, Missed EP confirmed: 9/23/13, R tube removal: 9/25/13 
    Clomid/TI #1=BFN, 
    Clomid/TI#2=BFN, Clomid/TI #3=CP
    BFP #2 CP, EDD 7/12/15
    On a treatment break: 2 natural cycles. Saving money, sigh*

    Goodbye my sweet babies. We miss you so much. 
    All Welcome


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  • peggels24peggels24 member
    Love this.
    BFP #1 09/26/2013 EDD 06/04/2013 MMC 11/01/2013
    BFP #2 05/15/2014 EDD 01/24/2015

    Pregnancy Ticker


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  • stefugestefuge member
    Thank you for sharing.
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
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  • buggirl72buggirl72 member
    Thank you for sharing (((hugs)))

    The day the Bump died - Jasper is wise
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  • carlsonbaby2014carlsonbaby2014 member
    Thank you for sharing this. I needed to read this today. (((Hugs))) to you and your family.
    Began trying for a baby January 2012
    BFP 4.25.2013  EDD 1.3.2014  MMC 6.3.2013  D&C 6.19.2013
    BFP 11.3.2013  CP 11.6.2013
    BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014 
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  • cerad5cerad5 member
    Thank you for this. Very touching.
    DD 12/1/2009
    TTC#2 Since May 2012
    Dx PCOS February 2013 on Metformin 1500 mg
    Met with RE October 2013, we've got a plan!
    Surprise BFP on "break cycle" 10/12/13. EDD 6/17/14.
    MMC discovered 11/25/13 at 10 weeks. D&C 11/27/13.
    BFP 2/8/14 Beta#1: 176, Prog 18! Beta#2:335, Prog, 19.5!
    EDD 10/16/2014

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  • luciddreamer106luciddreamer106 member
    Thanks for the hugs, I'll pass them along to DH. It definitely stirred up some old feelings in him. He felt pretty awkward going to visit and he only agreed to do it for his mom.

    I'm glad that others found that it spoke to them as well. I love how he talks about how we can never "get over it." I'm considering sharing this on FB as well. 
    Multiple TTCAL 1image
    image
     TTC #1 since March 2011 
    BFP #1: EDD 4/16/13~~blighted ovum w/ 2 gestational sacs~~Loss on 9/18/12
    BFP #2: EDD 9/3/13~~Slow HB at 1st U/S~~MMC -Loss on 2/13/13
    9/13, 10/13, 1/14: letrozole + trigger + TI = All BFNs
    3/14: IUI#1 letrozole/Bravelle/Menopur + trigger = BFN
    BFP #3: EDD 1/27/15 Please be our rainbow! ...Team Green


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