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How to handle communications with BM?

sabrina69barnessabrina69barnes member
in Blended Families
We have an ongoing communication issue with BM and I'm not sure how to handle it. BM is only really willing to communicate with DH by phone. This usually leads to problems because she "forgets" what was agreed to when it suits her and "remembers" conversations differently than how they happened. She is willing to be flexible when she is getting the accommodation, is later unwilling to return the favor, and denies agreement was ever made. I'm tired of this. It makes it almost impossible for the two of them to have any sort of effective co-parenting relationship.

We've tried communicating by e-mail but BM refuses. She says she's blocked our e-mail addresses and never gets the messages. She also refuses to communicate by text. She is uninterested in any sort of communication that leaves no debate on what was said.

What are our options? The only thing I can think of is sending a letter via return receipt mail that states that we will follow the paperwork exactly as it's written, outline exactly what that means so she can't claim later that she didn't understand, and explain that DH is willing to be flexible to work around her and the kids schedule but is only willing to do so in some form of written communication.

For the most part the custody schedule works just fine but depending how how some holidays fall it's means that DH would have to take the kids out of school and sometimes custody exchanges  are made multiples times in the same week, even only a few hours apart.

Should we write a letter, have our lawyer letter, do something else? DH and BM only talking on the phone isn't working at all. I sent our lawyer asking for advice but I probably wont hear back until Monday and was wondering what you ladies thought. TIA!
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Re: How to handle communications with BM?

  • NdsalesNdsales member
    We end up running everything through the attorneys. we have the same issue with BM
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    If they make an agreement via phone or in person, afterward, send an email or text summing up the conversation and agreement to BM and cc your attorney and hers if possible. And then of course save it. Remember text messages should be saved to a source other than your phone. That way when she "forgets" you can pull it out. Make sure you have call time and dates recorded, as well.

    The only loophole I think of in this case is that if she doesn't reply, she can say she never agreed to it. But by the same token, if it shows it was sent to her and multiple witnesses (both attorneys) then she never disagreed either.
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  • joshsmandyjoshsmandy member
    We always back up our agreements with formal written summaries that are sent with signature required.
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  • SueBearSueBear member

    If she asks for a switch, tell her you need to see it in writing. 

    BM: "I would like you to change weekends with me.  I'll take her this weekend and you can have her next weekend."

    DH: "I need to see your request in writing - via text or email, otherwise I will not consider a switch."

    BM: "Well, I refuse to email you or text you."

    DH: "Well, I guess we won't be switching then."

    BM: "But DD will miss a magical pony ride with all of her friends!  I already promised her!  Her whole class is going."

    DH: "That is your choice.  I will not switch without the changes written down by you."

    Seriously - if she wants YOU (DH) to switch, she can demand all she wants, but if you are accomodating HER, she has to do it your way.  Not communicating via writing works for her.  So you need to put an end to it.

    Now, if DH wants something from her, it's going to be harder. 

    The next time you change the CO, I would receommend having it in the CO that all non-emergency correspondence go via text or email.  That is actually the norm with many people I know. Not because of trust issues, but because they wanted some distance from the other parent.

    If BM constantly "forgets" agreements, and that results in lost time, broken promises, plans messed up on your end, document so that when you ask for the ammendment, you can show that the lack of written communication is actually hurting you and not just an inconvenience.

     

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  • Sunday924Sunday924 member
    DH refuses to answer the phone if BM calls. He forces all communication through text so nothing can be changed. Refuse to talk on the phone and she won't have a choice.
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  • Bebelove0947Bebelove0947 member
    SueBear said:

    If she asks for a switch, tell her you need to see it in writing. 

    BM: "I would like you to change weekends with me.  I'll take her this weekend and you can have her next weekend."

    DH: "I need to see your request in writing - via text or email, otherwise I will not consider a switch."

    BM: "Well, I refuse to email you or text you."

    DH: "Well, I guess we won't be switching then."

    BM: "But DD will miss a magical pony ride with all of her friends!  I already promised her!  Her whole class is going."

    DH: "That is your choice.  I will not switch without the changes written down by you."

    Seriously - if she wants YOU (DH) to switch, she can demand all she wants, but if you are accomodating HER, she has to do it your way.  Not communicating via writing works for her.  So you need to put an end to it.

    Now, if DH wants something from her, it's going to be harder. 

    The next time you change the CO, I would receommend having it in the CO that all non-emergency correspondence go via text or email.  That is actually the norm with many people I know. Not because of trust issues, but because they wanted some distance from the other parent.

    If BM constantly "forgets" agreements, and that results in lost time, broken promises, plans messed up on your end, document so that when you ask for the ammendment, you can show that the lack of written communication is actually hurting you and not just an inconvenience.

     


    This. Except ask for all changes to be made thru My Family Wizard. It's a site made for this purpose. You might try talking to someone with family court and seeing if this could be added on to your existing CO rather then changing your current CO
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  • sabrina69barnessabrina69barnes member
    BM rarely asks for changes to the schedule.  It's usually us wanting to switch either so the kids wont miss school, they can attend a scouting activity, or we can take them to the dentist.

    We just got done with a modification over the summer. I only recently found out about Our Family Wizard. I asked our lawyer about getting a judge to order that we use it in the e-mail I sent but I haven't heard anything back yet. I doubt that we'll be able to do that anytime soon since we just had a modification.

    DH has tried refusing to talk to BM on the phone. She refuses anything in writing so the c/o is followed as it's written. DH finally gave in and called BM because the kids needed to go the the dentist. We have amazing dental insurance but the closest approved dentist to BM is an hour away from her so she wont take them. We have no problem taking them but dentist is closed during our parenting time during the school year.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    You could try having the CO re-written stating that all verbal agreements must be backed up in written. documented form via email, text, certified letter etc.  

    XH refused to communicate via email.  I sent it any way. Then text and stated, "I sent you an email.  Read it please"  He always did and never responded back via email, but I'd get a call or text.  When he couldn't remember what was discussed, and then emailed, I'd refer him back to his email.

    For super critical things (and choose wisely) you could create a new email and email her and make sure you get an email received notification.

    I'd get it in the CO.  Be prepared to state why to the judge, so that he or she know clearly why you are requesting this.   That way she is obligated.
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  • agibbyagibby member
    Depending on the state you are in, you may be able to record the phone conversations with BM and save it in case it is needed. Here in my state, it's legal to record phone conversations if at least one party to the conversation is aware it is being recorded. 
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  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member

     

    joshsmandy said:
    We always back up our agreements with formal written summaries that are sent with signature required.
    Seriously.  what a nightmare.  I'd hate to be you or BM.  Sounds utterly miserable.  How frequently do you do that?
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  • sabrina69barnessabrina69barnes member
    Thanks ladies. I heard back from our lawyer and it looks like this will be easier to deal with than I thought. She said to send a letter to BM seeing if she'll agree to use OFW if DH agrees to pay for it. If BM doesn't agree we will motion the court to order it. She said considering the issues that we've been having, the history that is already documented, and that fact that DH is willing to cover all costs, that our judge will have no issue ordering this. She said that if we offer to pay for BM to do this and end up having to go to court because BM refuses that the judge will likely order her to pay her share and half off the court costs for going to court to have it ordered. She said that OFW is becoming more standard with the courts and usually only unreasonable parents refuse to use it. FX this goes smoothly. Having to work with BM the way things are now ends up being very time consuming PITA.
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  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member
    After thinking about this a little bit more if the communcation is so incredibly strained between you why can't you just stick to the court order.  For a long period of time BD would not communicate with me and therefore we just stuck to the court order.  Can't you just do that?
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  • sabrina69barnessabrina69barnes member
    We can stick the to c/o but IMO it's not always best for the kids. 

    This year DH has the kids from 9am on their birthday to 7pm the following day.  Tomorrow is SS birthday. If DH follows the c/o SS has to miss two days of school. We live several hours from the school so it the kids can't attend their school on our parenting time. In other years we've been able to switch weekends so we can celebrate with SS close to his birthday without taking him out of school. There are a few other minor holidays that have an exchange time of 9am Tuesday following the holiday so that is another time when the kids would have to miss at least a half day of school if we followed the c/o.

    The other issue is the kids going to the dentist. Our insurance is amazing if the kids see an approved dentist but there really isn't one close to BM so she wont take them. This worked out fine when DH could arrange to pick the kids up early in the am on a Friday of his usual weekend so he could take the kids. If we follow the c/o we can only take the kids when we have them in the summer. SD already has some dental concerns so they really need to be going twice a year.

    There are a few other issues that sometimes come up with the c/o depending on how things land on the calendar. We don't need change the parenting plan super often but IMO the kids would miss too much school if we followed it exactly. It wouldn't be a huge disaster now but when they get older missing two days in certain subjects can make it harder to catch up.
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  • agibbyagibby member
    edited December 2013
    sabrina69barnes said:
    Thanks ladies. I heard back from our lawyer and it looks like this will be easier to deal with than I thought. She said to send a letter to BM seeing if she'll agree to use OFW if DH agrees to pay for it. If BM doesn't agree we will motion the court to order it. She said considering the issues that we've been having, the history that is already documented, and that fact that DH is willing to cover all costs, that our judge will have no issue ordering this. She said that if we offer to pay for BM to do this and end up having to go to court because BM refuses that the judge will likely order her to pay her share and half off the court costs for going to court to have it ordered. She said that OFW is becoming more standard with the courts and usually only unreasonable parents refuse to use it. FX this goes smoothly. Having to work with BM the way things are now ends up being very time consuming PITA.
    DH and BM use OFW. It has cut out the hour long nasty phone calls that BM would make to DH almost every.freaking.day (he felt he had to listen as at that time, the CO gave her the upper hand because of his third shift work schedule. All of that is now changed thank goodness!) 
     It has also cut out the nasty texts complete with swearing and name calling because now BM knows that info on OFW can be subpoena'd. And DH will usually respond to texts or voice messages on OFW so as to document, and to not be drawn into any drama. 
    It has really made our lives so much less dramatic and stressful. I think it will be the same for you!
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  • sabrina69barnessabrina69barnes member
    agibby said:
    sabrina69barnes said:
    Thanks ladies. I heard back from our lawyer and it looks like this will be easier to deal with than I thought. She said to send a letter to BM seeing if she'll agree to use OFW if DH agrees to pay for it. If BM doesn't agree we will motion the court to order it. She said considering the issues that we've been having, the history that is already documented, and that fact that DH is willing to cover all costs, that our judge will have no issue ordering this. She said that if we offer to pay for BM to do this and end up having to go to court because BM refuses that the judge will likely order her to pay her share and half off the court costs for going to court to have it ordered. She said that OFW is becoming more standard with the courts and usually only unreasonable parents refuse to use it. FX this goes smoothly. Having to work with BM the way things are now ends up being very time consuming PITA.
    DH and BM use OFW. It has cut out the hour long nasty phone calls that BM would make to DH almost every.freaking.day (he felt he had to listen as at that time, the CO gave her the upper hand because of his third shift work schedule. All of that is now changed thank goodness!) 
     It has also cut out the nasty texts complete with swearing and name calling because now BM knows that info on OFW can be subpoena'd. And DH will usually respond to texts or voice messages so as to document, and to not be drawn into any drama. 
    It has really made our lives so much less dramatic and stressful. I think it will be the same for you!
    OFW sounds amazing. I keep hearing people say similar things to what you are. I can't wait until we start using it.
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  • agibbyagibby member
    sabrina69barnes said:
    agibby said:
    sabrina69barnes said:
    Thanks ladies. I heard back from our lawyer and it looks like this will be easier to deal with than I thought. She said to send a letter to BM seeing if she'll agree to use OFW if DH agrees to pay for it. If BM doesn't agree we will motion the court to order it. She said considering the issues that we've been having, the history that is already documented, and that fact that DH is willing to cover all costs, that our judge will have no issue ordering this. She said that if we offer to pay for BM to do this and end up having to go to court because BM refuses that the judge will likely order her to pay her share and half off the court costs for going to court to have it ordered. She said that OFW is becoming more standard with the courts and usually only unreasonable parents refuse to use it. FX this goes smoothly. Having to work with BM the way things are now ends up being very time consuming PITA.
    DH and BM use OFW. It has cut out the hour long nasty phone calls that BM would make to DH almost every.freaking.day (he felt he had to listen as at that time, the CO gave her the upper hand because of his third shift work schedule. All of that is now changed thank goodness!) 
     It has also cut out the nasty texts complete with swearing and name calling because now BM knows that info on OFW can be subpoena'd. And DH will usually respond to texts or voice messages so as to document, and to not be drawn into any drama. 
    It has really made our lives so much less dramatic and stressful. I think it will be the same for you!
    OFW sounds amazing. I keep hearing people say similar things to what you are. I can't wait until we start using it.
    The calendar is really great too. You can make trades and swaps and schedule the holidays/special events. The only problem we ever have with OFW is that even though our CO says that trades, requests, etc are to be responded to within 48 hours, she will usually read then ignore things. She ignored a vacation request for 4 months before DH finally threatened to take her to court because we really needed to have our plans set and pay for things, etc. But, I'll take every single bit of that over the stress we used to have.
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