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Postpartum Depression
captmerricka
member
Post Partum OCD/Anxiety
captmerricka
member
I'm new to this board and just need some additional support. I also wanted to share my story as I know reading others experiences while dealing with my own made me feel better, made me feel less alone and made me realize I am not the only person out of billions of people who deal with postpartum depression/ocd/anxiety.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
The have always dealt with depression, bulimia and ocd (although I didnt realize the OCD until about 6 months ago). While growing up, I had to pray every single night so nothing bad would happen to my mom. I was plagued with anxiety that something would happen to her. I actually slept in her room until I was about 16-17 years old, just so I was there for her incase anything happened. I always had body image issues. At about 14 years old, I became bulimic and kept the secret until I was 18. I finally got help my freshman year of college. I worked at Abercrombie and had to look perfect but it started to get out of control. I was throwing up in grocery bags in my closet when I would come home for the weekend. I never binged, I ate normal. I was never overweight. I was 5'7 and about 135 lbs. The doctor prescribed me on prozac and I continued therapy. She also diagnosed me with mild depression. Not until I look back on it, did I really realize how early my OCD started, which was elementary. All through high school, college and even now things in my house have to be perfect. In perfect order. Especially my closet. Everything as to face the same way, in my specific order. I would almost get panicky if they werent. I have also been terrified of "bad things" happening and it would almost make me sick. Note, mothing bad ever happened through all that anxiety and worry. Not one bad thing.
Skip forward to December 2010. I was newly married and found out I was pregnant! I was ecstatic. The thought of having a baby was what I always wanted. I was hoping and praying for a little girl. On February 24, 2011, my wish came true. I was going to have a little girl. It was the best day of my life. I dreamed of playing with her, dressing her, holding her and just loving her to pieces. I could not wait for her to arrive. I was induced on August 17th and she was born at 8 that night. During birth, she inhaled meconium and was whisked away to the NICU. I was crushed. I barely held my beautiful girl for 30 seconds. I didnt know what was going on, I had a complete meltdown. When I finally was able to visit her in NICU she was hooked up to monitors and tubes. It broke my heart. I was inconsolible. Couldnt stop crying. Praying God to take me instead of her. After day 5, she was able to come home with us. It was nerve racking. I had been relying on the monitors to tell us if anything went off. I didnt have monitors at home. How would I know she was okay? I was scared to sleep. I was scared something would happen to her. There couldnt be anything in her bassinet or crib besides a sheet. My fears started to dimish as the weeks went by, but my fears turned into something worse. They became thoughts of "What if I hurt my duaghter" To images of me actually hurting her. I didnt know what to do, but I knew something was wrong. I finally told my husband after dealing with it for 3 days. He was so understanding. I couldn't have asked for a better husband for this situation. He was supportive. But nothing was helping me. I knew I needed help. In mid October, I checked myself into the Psychiatric Hospital. They got me on the right meds, taught me coping skills and I was diagnosed with post partum depression, although after tons of reading and research, I really had Post Partum OCD/Anxiety.
That was a little over 2 years ago. After going through it all, I would constantly beat myself up for having the thougthts every now and then. They should be gone after a year, right? Well they didnt tell me that. I really have OCD. I dont count, am not afraid of germs, but I do have thoughts of hurting my daughter. Sometimes its unbearable. But, I have to remind myself that those thoughts plauge people with OCD. I am not my disease. I am a good mom, a good wife and a good person. It has nothing to do with my morals. Its just chemicals in my brain. Sometimes it's harder than others to talk myself down. Which leads me to this question; If you have gone through the same thing or are going through the same thing, what are some things you do to help? I would love to discuss this with others. It's a hard disease and not a lot of people understand it. I haven't told many people what happened to me, but I shouldn't be ashamed or embarassed. It's a mental disease and I wouldn't beat myself up if I got a different disease, say cancer! OCD is hard because having these thoughts are your worst fear(s). But moms who don't care for their kids, aren't afraid of these thoughts, they aren't bothered by them. And that's how I know I'm a good mom. They scare the crap out of me because I can't imagine anything happending to my beautiful girl. I hope this helps some of you out there. I would love to hear some comments or tips from some of you.
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Re: Post Partum OCD/Anxiety
Thanks for sharing.
I too have struggled with PPA/PPD but I was never diagnosed at the beginning. My son is now three years old and I just started taking medication about a month ago. I just couldnt handle it on my own anymore.
My son also inhaled meconium (and also had several other major unexpected issues at birth) and he was in the NICU for 17 days. So I completely understand going from having monitors to let you know something was wrong to going home and being completely freaked out. I also would not let him have anything but a sheet in his bed. People thought I was nuts. I just assumed I was overprotective and had a right to be because of what we went through at birth. Then we got him home and I broke my foot. I couldnt drive, I worked full time, I was breast pumping (not feeding direct from the breast bc he couldnt latch on due to being tube fed for the first few weeks), I was on crutches with a new born, having someone drive me to and from work every day with my breast pump and cooler to keep my milk fresh. This went on for four months. My sons dad (fiance a the time) had major drug problems.....so I had every right to be anxious right? I still didnt see it as a "problem". I just thought it was circumstantial. Fast forward three years, and I swear I was on the verge of a mental break down, my sons dad still on and off drugs, I am a single mom, my son is in his terrible three's and I had zero patience for him. I felt so bad. I had several crying/screaming breakdowns right in from of him. Cried on his shoulder (he just turned three). Threww myself on the kitchen floor and cried until I couldnt cry anymore (not in front of him at that point). Finally I knew it was time to get help. I have been on Zoloft for about a month and I feel that it has made a world of difference. Just takes that edge off and I am so much more patient with my son.
Looking back, I have ALWAYS been over anxious, always thinking something bad would happen to loved ones, grew up in a very strict household with a very OCD stepfather who made us do all kids of wierd things (not abusive) just on edge, off the wall rules, daily tasks that no normal kid should have to worry about doing, etc. I think I have always had anxiety issues but having a baby really brought it out in me I guess you could say.
Just wanted to share to let you know you are not alone and I appreciate you sharing your story.
I just wish I didnt wait as long as I did to seek help!