- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
October 2013 Moms
pandaglitter
member
Am I overthinking this?
pandaglitter
member
I'm going to talk to my husband tonight but I wanted to get some thoughts about it before talking to him because he'll probably be more laid back than I am and I'm wondering if I should let it be.
Some back story: I've been my stepdaughter's only mom for two years. Her mom left when she was just over two and moved back across the country. It's very complicated and she was going to move back when my husband couldn't afford to move out there, but didn't and hasn't talked to my daughter since she was three or so. They moved out here to be with my husbands family as her father is a pedofile and molested her mother as a child and they wanted they daughter away from that and in a more supported environment.
Her mom hasn't even messaged us on Facebook in over a year. There's no relationship...but her dad and his wife send my daughter Christmas and birthday cards each year. I sent them thank you's with a picture of my daughter and the things she got with the gift cards. This year in the birthday card they wrote "call us and tell us what you get!" With their phone number.
Would you let her call them? I'm leaning towards no because her own mother promises to call and doesn't...it feels weird to have her talk to them for the first time ever when her mom makes no effort and I don't want to go behind her moms back I guess? Like how would she feel if they were like "oh I talked to your daughter." I'm almost scared she'd want to talk to her then too and we'd start the whole "I'm going to call" bullshit again.
Also, we don't know these people. We don't know what they'll say. We don't know what my daughter will ask or if she'll even want to talk to them (if my husband thinks its a good idea we'd of course ask her if she wants to first). But then there's no way of knowing if they'll try to turn it into more and she'll want to talk to them more and have a relationship with them. It's just complicated and she's really not old
enough to decide what she wants as far as relationships with that part of her family. She has been so broken hearted by her mom that I just want to protect her I guess and I don't know if I'm being too protective in wanting to maybe have her make them a thank you card to send and call it good. Also, shouldn't they have contacted us directly first? Idk. I just feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if it's unfounded.
My daughter is six.
Some back story: I've been my stepdaughter's only mom for two years. Her mom left when she was just over two and moved back across the country. It's very complicated and she was going to move back when my husband couldn't afford to move out there, but didn't and hasn't talked to my daughter since she was three or so. They moved out here to be with my husbands family as her father is a pedofile and molested her mother as a child and they wanted they daughter away from that and in a more supported environment.
Her mom hasn't even messaged us on Facebook in over a year. There's no relationship...but her dad and his wife send my daughter Christmas and birthday cards each year. I sent them thank you's with a picture of my daughter and the things she got with the gift cards. This year in the birthday card they wrote "call us and tell us what you get!" With their phone number.
Would you let her call them? I'm leaning towards no because her own mother promises to call and doesn't...it feels weird to have her talk to them for the first time ever when her mom makes no effort and I don't want to go behind her moms back I guess? Like how would she feel if they were like "oh I talked to your daughter." I'm almost scared she'd want to talk to her then too and we'd start the whole "I'm going to call" bullshit again.
Also, we don't know these people. We don't know what they'll say. We don't know what my daughter will ask or if she'll even want to talk to them (if my husband thinks its a good idea we'd of course ask her if she wants to first). But then there's no way of knowing if they'll try to turn it into more and she'll want to talk to them more and have a relationship with them. It's just complicated and she's really not old
enough to decide what she wants as far as relationships with that part of her family. She has been so broken hearted by her mom that I just want to protect her I guess and I don't know if I'm being too protective in wanting to maybe have her make them a thank you card to send and call it good. Also, shouldn't they have contacted us directly first? Idk. I just feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if it's unfounded.
My daughter is six.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I overthinking this?
My daughters mom gave them out address. I'm pissed. Beyond pissed about that. They used to send the cards to my husband's mom's house. They mail cards and we let her have the cards and appreciate that they acknowledge her birthday because her own mother doesn't. But that's been all the contact and we're okay with that. My daughter is basically like "yay I get presents!" And that's that.
I'm getting the feel I'm not overreacting in not wanting any contact beyond sending them a thank you note to be polite?
Eta: with no photos. Pedos don't need pictures of your daughter--related or not. This man violated his own daughter. He has no boundaries.
I am thinking about sending a message explaining that talking on the phone isn't something we're comfortable with.
Your daughter is blessed to have you as her mother...she doesn't need contact with a pedofile (once a pedo always a pedo and the wife will ALWAYS deny it) to make up for not having her bio mom in her life. Sorry for the super strong response...really only you know what is right and deft listen to your mommy gut.
Now it's getting more personal and I'll talk to my husband about not having them send things anymore.
Why the fuck are you acting like I think it's okay? That's what you're judging me about and I don't think it's okay at all but I'm not going to tell my daughter she can't have gift cards and cause drama for her and hurt her feelings. She already knows about it this year so it's basically going forward trying to decide what to do. I'd feel a lot different if it was just him sending things and not him and his wife which is why I don't think I really thought about it before she would be in direct contact with him by phone. His wife is a moron for marrying him and it probably makes her a horrible person by association, but her sending cards from them didn't bother me as much as this new development.
And I guess I'm with crunchy on this one. Call me judgmental too. But I would never have accepted anything from someone who molested his own daughter. Period. I don't care how long ago it was. You don't know him. You owe him nothing.
I completely respect and admire your decation to her in not disrespecting her and her roots - you're very ballsy, especially stepping in when her bio mom couldn't.
you're an awesome mom and a beautiful person- I would be straight forward with the woman, it's the least you could do.
whatever you decide! keep being an amazing mom!
DD2 | June 2011
DS1 | Oct 2013
ADD3 | Oct 2014 (April 2001)
DS2 | June 2016
DS3 | Dec 2018
Due with baby blob August 2021
As to the Mom...you've no idea the damage done to her. Not saying it is right to abandon a child, but it may be that she just can't come to terms with what was done to her. I swore no kids, ever, and even prayed for God to take my fertility and give it to others more deserving. It wasn't until I was 25 that I even considered kids and my now H went into the relationship knowing I might never agree to any. In the end, it wasn't until this last year, that fate or God or whatever you believe in, decided I was ready. She might not have been as lucky and could be doing what she thinks is best for her child, as bad as that sounds to us.
This little girl is lucky to have you, please do what is right and protect her.
I think it's good that you realized that it was getting weird if they are now requesting a phone call. I don't think you're overreacting and I hope that your husband sees this same perspective. Since you already told her about the card, I don't really think it's a big deal to keep the gift and send a thank you note from you, not her (it might be rude to accept a gift and refuse contact, but whatever, this girl has not had an easy time of it let her get an extra gift). Not calling sends a message and after this you can refuse contact/send back gifts.
No matter what, I don't think a 6 year old should make a decision about whether or not to have contact with a pedophile. You can keep cards and explain things to her when she's much older if she asks. Does her mom have contact with her (the mom's) dad?
Yes, her biomom still has contact with her dad. It's a very odd situation. I'm sure his wife thinks her mom made it up. She went so far as to give them our address, which I'm pissed about. I'm thankful they're 3000 miles away.
My husband thinks it's very inappropriate as well. We will probably not contact them further and let that speak for itself. I was definitely too nice before, and I won't be making that mistake again. My daughter will not have any sort of relationship with them, even saying thank you over the phone or by mail. I will probably let her get something with her gift cards and also have her pick out something to donate to toys for tots. I would honestly not ever get around to mailing cards back and it's not worth the postage. I'll save them and when she's an adult she can throw them out if she'd like, but I don't feel comfortable making that choice for her. I don't think throwing out gift cards is going to make a point, especially if we use them to donate things, which I do want her to learn how to do. If it was a check I would just rip it up, but it's money already spent. I would feel like I'm punishing her by throwing away presents more than standing up for anything, so I'm going to just try to make this holiday season happy for her and just not mention them to her from now on.
I just mentioned spending some of her cards on a present for a kid who doesn't have one, and she's really excited about it, so I'm hopeful I can take whatever good I can out of this complicated, sad situation.