Working Moms
KateBee
member
Grandma Daycare
KateBee
member
in Working Moms
After discussing daycare with my MIL, she mentioned that she'd like to watch our son after I go back to work instead of having him go to daycare. While I'm extremely happy that I'll be leaving him with someone I'm comfortable with and who won't be charging us money, I'm selfishly worried that I'll feel resentful that she's the one who gets to stay with him. Does anyone have any words of advice for dealing with this? I'm also dealing with my mom who lives out-of-state and is already resentful that she's going to be spending less time with him than my MIL. I want to just feel grateful that we're having a baby after all this time and not worried 6 months before he's here!
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Re: Grandma Daycare
http://balletandbabies.blogspot.com
Actually I can sympathize. Going back to work for the first time brings up a lot of emotions...and I can fully understand why you would be jealous of your MIL time with your LO because in a perfect world (at least for me) you would be there. You need to get over it...but i can understand why you have that.
That being said...my MIL watched DS for 3 months and I can honestly say it ruined our relationship (she doesnt think so, but in my mind it has). She was overbearing, had major boundary issues and gave way too many opinions that were outdated and inaccurate. We have since stopped that arrangement and DS is in daycare and we couldnt be happier. BUt I have resentment toward my MIL which is a shame so i would just make sure however you can, that that doesnt happen to you.
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It's a big decision to pick a childcare provider for your kid, and no matter who you pick, daycare/nanny/grandma, there will be pros and cons. With grandma, thereis the added layer of complexity that the situation can cause hurt feelings and strain relationships. If you are considering it, sit your husband down and talk everything out. Does she have the right personality for this or is she someone who will use it as ammo for guilt trips? What will you do when she goes on vacation? Will she follow current recommendations like putting baby on their back to sleep? Will she come to your house, or you take the baby to hers? If you take the baby to her house, will you buy her baby gates, a pack n play, and will she be OK with babyproofing her house? (My mom had to rearrange a ton of low shelves and her family room is pretty much ankle-deep in toys all the time). Will she take the baby to play dates, the park, library story time when he/she gets older? If she wont do those things, do you have feelings about an end date for grandma daycare, e.g. you feel that the child she go to daycare at 2 for socialization?
Good luck with your decision.
I loved having my mom watch DS as an infant and even a crawler. I just felt safer, and he didn't get sick as much. Of course people will tell you that 1:1 care isn't a vaccine against all illness, and of course that's true, but kids simply are ill more often in DC.
I was very laid back with my mom and tried to let her guide her own day as much as I could. And she stuck to trying to do what we did at home as much as she could stand to do so
The main thing is, whether you pay your MIL or not, remember that your mom watching your kid is doing you a FAVOR.
So if you decide you don't like what she's doing. That's fine. The solution is to change your provider, not have a drag out fight with your family or start treating them like an employee. At the same time, don't be afraid to make that change if you need to.
Respect your MIL, and take care of your kid too.
2010: Infertility
October 2015: missed miscarriage #2 at 11 weeks (trisomy 22)
2010: Infertility
October 2015: missed miscarriage #2 at 11 weeks (trisomy 22)
One thing to keep in mind too is that MIL is offering this out of excitement. Once the baby is here, "reality" may change her mind. Keep an open dialogue with her. Dont' put all your eggs in one basket. Know what other options are out there. She may do it, but she may decide full time is too much.
My parents watch DS 2 days a week. They've been very upfront that this is perfect. More (on a regular basis) would be too much.
Also, your mom. If she actually makes comments about being jealous, I'd honestly try to nip it in the bud. Be gentle and respectful, but I'd also say "Mom- I wish you were closer. But this is the way it is. We can't control it. This isn't a competition, though. Even if you lived next door, you're going to have the relationship you have w/ the baby. MIL is going to have the relationship she has. I'm really having a hard time w/ your comments about this.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is a very good point. My parents do watch DD and have stayed with her alone up to 3 weeks while DH and I were away for work. But they do get really tired from full days with her, now that she's a toddler. Just keep in mind she may not want to continue doing it full time.
As for all the jealousy, just let it go. You'll just be happy you have someone you trust watching your LO. I was someone who was happy to return to work though, so I was thrilled with my amazing daycare situation.
I think everyone else has pretty much covered everything, but I just want to reassure you - even if your MIL watches your LO every day, you are still mom and you are still the best in your child's eyes. My parents lived with us for the first 10 months of DS's life, and I went back to work after 4 months, so I was initially quite worried that DS would prefer my mom over me since she was there every day and night. That never happened. I am by far DS's favourite person.
Oh also, PPs are right - it depends on how much energy your MIL has. My parents (good health, mid-60s) found that once DS was a toddler, it was hard to keep up with him all day. So now DS goes to DC 3 days a week, but my parents often pick him up in the early afternoon and they go for little outings. It works out great.
Having said that, I would make sure that as your LO gets older, that your MIL is taking him/her to gymboree, or storytime at the library, or a playgroup so LO gets a chance to play and interact with other kids. My friend's MIL watched her LO until he was 4, and she was a warm and loving caregiver but she never took him anywhere (other than errands). Well he just started Pre-K this September and is WAY behind socially. They're already talking about keeping him back a year.
Also, when I get a day off from work, I actually get a DAY OFF! DS is already at school, and I have an opportunity for time to myself. I love to spend days off with him, but sometimes... Mama needs a spa day/ retail therapy/ housework to myself! Maybe your MIL would be fine to be there even on your days off, but would you be comfortable with it? Be honest. Also, what backup would you have if she's ill or has other commitments?
My last point is probably the biggest reason I wouldn't use Grandma childcare- especially my MIL: If something did happen that truly upset you, how would you approach it, and do you think your relationship would be threatened? As another poster mentioned, it would be very helpful if you had a laid back personality if you took the Grandma route, for this very reason.
There are pros and cons to both options, certainly. Think it through, and do what's best for you and your family.
My MIL lives in town but works full time, and I think she's a bit sad sometimes that she doesn't get as much time with DS as she would like, but if she's jealous or resentful of the arrangement she's done a good job hiding it. But we do try to get together with them every week to see my in-laws and I think that helps.
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Having said that, I think part of the reason it works out so well is that they don't watch him every day. I just think 5 days a week is too much to ask someone to be a caregiver without it being their job. IMO it blurs the lines too much between dcp and grandparent. Even if my parents were retired, they have things to do, and I just wouldn't want them to get burned out on their grandkid, kwim? I also agree with pp in that she may change her mind about her offer when it actually comes time. Is it a possibility for her to watch him maybe twice a week? If you found childcare, say, MWF, could she watch him T Th? That may be a good amount of time for it to feel like visiting Grandma instead of going to childcare, not to mention it could save you significant $$.
Just make sure that she understands the commitment she's making to YOU with this offer. How often does she get sick? How often do other things come up? I feel like I've read previous posters who started off with grandma daycare, only to be told weeks later that they really weren't up for the job.
Make sure to check in with her frequently that she's still up to it--you don't want to scramble for a place with week's notice. Both of you should go into this with open eyes about the commitment this will mean.
This will sound snarky, but I'm asking honestly.... Why on earth do you want to have someone watching your LO that you have to pressure/guilt/talk into doing so? Don't you think that sort of situation will lead to resentment, upset feelings, and a really bad dynamic?