Need to have a Inlaw Vent for a second...

mcgeeva · December 2013

Oh where oh where to begin. Need to let it all out before I take it out on more food! I've already had a double cheeseburger meal, mcchiken sandwhich and two apples pies..ick! To make a long story short I have never had a good relationship with my inlaws. They have been issue since day 1. Got 100% worse when we had DS and DH has never had a good relationship with his mother. We do not see them often at all although they have been retired for almost 20 years and they do absoluetly nada. Rarely hold DH, never changed a diaper and never will be able to play or watch him. They are too out of shape to do stairs, the mother is an alcholoic and pill popper and the father is just a disgusting enabler. That pretty much sums it up. So DH an I started going to counseling when we had DS because his parents always cause us to fight. He is use to crazy where I will not accept it. They yelled for two hours in front of DS and that was the last strawl that made us go see someone. We learned in therapy that his whole family enables bad behavoir and basically said at some point you need to put your foot down for your family. The couselor asked dh if he would rather stand up to his parents and they just not speak to him or have a bad relationship and ruin the ones around him? He said he would rather have a bad one because he knows his parents will just easily cut him out. She she told him you will end up a single father unless you chose what is best for your marriage an don't accept bad behavior. Which I hate to say it with that much stress on a marriage it is definitely possible. This were good for a while..always drama with his parents but that is nothing new. Sorry...like to paint a picture so went off a bit.

Any who! In early october his parents got in a fight with us because they randomly asked if they could spend the night one weekend and we said of course we just have a party saturday and family photo on sunday. That became a huge deal. We were not inviting them to our family pictures because it's hard enough to get DS to take pictures not to mention adding people who can't walk when that is what we were doing..randomly walking around the city taking pictures. Either way it was our time. So they yelled at dh how disrespectful and disgusting he is not to invite them. That went on for weeks. Then comes november we yes sent out our xmas dinner invite early. They called and asked him if they could come xmas eve. We decided last year that xmas eve was our own family tradition just for us and I never get off work but I was going to take this year since we have 25 people im hosting on xmas day. He only said let me check with me and he would get right back to them. Because he said he wanted to check with me since it was HIS idea to start this tradition they did not respond to texts or phone calls through thanksgiving. Then last week the nasty texts started. Dh travels every other week for the past 10 weeks. I'm burnt out and he just got hom and they randomly ask him what our son would like for xmas. Dh tells them thomas the train and he had an idea of one. Next thing I know im getting text daily how frusterated they are with DH that he never responds to them and hes a problem. I stop answering texts because I have nothing to say and it's just too akward. Then I get a random text for xmas they want one weekend every month. No way in hell! Because of all the drama DH said they were not welcome xmas eve and if they could not come without a grudge or be nice for xmas they shouldn't come. So they weren't coming and staying at a hotel for xmas - we never said they had to do that.

DH randomly mentions at a party that they are now coming to xmas eve. What the F would you do?? I think I am now going to work. It was my last day off before I have our next baby and I wanted it with DH and DS and to help get ready for xmas dinner. I am disgusted with DH he is doing everything we went to counseling for..enabling bad behavoir and letting them dictate our schedule. Two how bad does it look they didn't speak to him for a month because he said he wanted to discuss xmas eve with me to then just say yes?!! I want to not say a word until xmas night (yes I know im being a child) and tell him he ruined xmas eve for us and that I want to go back to counseling before our relationship goes down the tubes before the next baby arrives. Again this is only a little bit of our history with his parents. I can not spend the day cooking and cleaning up after these people while preparing for the next day and being pregnant and burnt out. Thanks for letting me vent...

kmc84 · December 2013

Holy crap! Are you still in counseling? If not, I'd get back there pronto. This is a big problem between you and YH and LO #2 is only going add more stress

(( hugs)) I'm sorry your IL's are that aweful.

Mr. & Mrs. Woodtick · December 2013

Damn girl, I'm sorry. ((HUGS))

I honestly don't have any advice. I am very, very fortunate not to be in this type of situation. I really hope your DH learns to stand up to his parents though.

((MORE HUGS))

mcgeeva · December 2013

No we stopped going three months ago when we moved and we need to go back badly I just don't know when with my husband traveling. But I know it's going to be arguments from here on out. I want so bad for things to be good but I feel he just fell back into the same ol trap that tooks us years to get to the counselor to fix.

A little more to explaine crazy...two weeks before we got married we spent mothers day with his parents. Drove 4 hours to be ignored not even a hello from the mother for two hours, then they drove seprate cars to dinner, and a public outburst of I want to kill myself because I raised you so bad in front of all these people. All from what...DH asked his parents to keep our grooms ties and wedding fans outside (they are chaiin smokers in the house and have 7 dogs, 3 parrots and a cat - im highly allergic). This is the crazy im talking about. I wanted to die of embarrassment, called my mom during dinner in tears.

mdiblasi10 · December 2013

Wow. How frustrating. I am so sorry you have to deal with these people

I am sure it feels good to get it all out, and it's great that you and your husband have gone to counseling for it. Unfortunately, it sounds like your husband is still feeling torn between relationships. I don't have any advice except that I agree you two should go back to counseling together. I just hope he realizes that he has a family now and that you and your kids are most important.

Boy, if that was my family, I would be done with them! I know that might sound terrible, but how long can you let your own family treat you so badly?! I can't believe how awful some parents can be to their own kids. Makes me so sad

mcgeeva · December 2013

mdiblasi10 trust me I would cut them off if I could. I would never put up with all this treatment. DH is an only child, only has two cousin and a aunt I've never met. Why you ask...the mother didn't speak to her twin sister till she died because she made a comment about how dirty her house was and didn't speak to the other sister for 7+ years because of the relationship with the other. So DH has no connection to these people. His parents are good at cutting people off. I have said though they will not say I DISOWN etc in front of my son like they have to DH. I told him regardless I have no problem cutting off them from DS if they ever say something so disgusting in front of him. I will not allow him to think their behavoir is normal and now that he is almost two..he's picking up things which is why I have less and less patience. I applogize for spelling. Tying in between working.

mcgeeva · December 2013

What do you guys think I should do to be mature about this situation? I don't want to let it go because it will keep happening. Anything other then pushing counseling?

mcgeeva · December 2013

chiwifey Thank you. I know every relationship has it's issues but I always let this one mess up ours.

Mrs.AmyDylan · December 2013

@mcgeeva, get yourself to counseling if things are too busy for you to go together. I'm not trying to be snarky, but you can't take this kind of stress with your pregnancy.

Fwiw, I would probably go to work Xmas eve and let DH deal with his shitty parents since he allowed them to come.

There are no easy fixes with family problems. Huge hugs.

itsmevkb · December 2013

mcgeeva said:

What do you guys think I should do to be mature about this situation? I don't want to let it go because it will keep happening. Anything other then pushing counseling?

I would probably say something to your husband regarding how you are surprised to hear that the plans have changed considering the way his parents have been acting these past months and you think you'd rather skip as much drama as possible and work that day but he's welcome to spend that time with his parents. Then, I'd say that you're disappointed that Christmas Eve wasn't going to be your family time like you had thought he (and you) wanted and would he agree to go back to counseling since things with his parents seem to be getting worse and not better.

Having crazy in-laws myself, I get the frustration. I am lucky in that my husband is willing to deal with his parents in a better fashion than yours seems to be willing to and I believe that makes a huge, huge, difference. But, even with that, there is no way I could ever ask him to cut off all ties with them. They are his parents and so I really think only he could come to a decision like that, I couldn't ask him or pressure him to do that.

If you can't get back to therapy do you think there could be a set of basic rules you set up that you could both agree to follow that would help things? Like, for us, we don't allow our in-laws to stay at our house as that just puts too much stress on us with our small house and the kids. For you guys it could be whatever bugs you most - how much notice you need for visits, what to invite them to, etc. Of course, my in-laws also will be somewhat reasonable about things just because they want to see their grandkids so I have that on my side, it doesn't sound like you necessarily even have that. Sorry.

kaf7 · December 2013

I would probably call them and say politely, that you guys had planned to do Xmas eve as a family unit long ago and they are welcome to come for Christmas Day dinner. And that you apologize if there was any confusion about that up to this point. End of conversation. They can then decide whether to come for Xmas day or not and you and DH can get back to counselling. You can't control his behaviour but you can take control of the situation to get what you want, even if you feel it should've been DH's issue to deal with in the first place.

mcgeeva · December 2013

Mrs.AmyDylan said:
@mcgeeva, get yourself to counseling if things are too busy for you to go together. I'm not trying to be snarky, but you can't take this kind of stress with your pregnancy.

Fwiw, I would probably go to work Xmas eve and let DH deal with his shitty parents since he allowed them to come.

There are no easy fixes with family problems. Huge hugs.

No I know your right. I don't think it's snarky at all. I went when we got married by myself because I couldn't deal with all his parents drama and all that led up to our wedding with them. Anyway they could make someone miserable they would. It helped to an extent but at the end of the day my husband needed to attend because without him it's only me letting things go, me accepting how your treated but no fix or end to an ongoing issue.

mcgeeva · December 2013

itsmevkb said:

mcgeeva said:

What do you guys think I should do to be mature about this situation? I don't want to let it go because it will keep happening. Anything other then pushing counseling?

I would probably say something to your husband regarding how you are surprised to hear that the plans have changed considering the way his parents have been acting these past months and you think you'd rather skip as much drama as possible and work that day but he's welcome to spend that time with his parents. Then, I'd say that you're disappointed that Christmas Eve wasn't going to be your family time like you had thought he (and you) wanted and would he agree to go back to counseling since things with his parents seem to be getting worse and not better.

Having crazy in-laws myself, I get the frustration. I am lucky in that my husband is willing to deal with his parents in a better fashion than yours seems to be willing to and I believe that makes a huge, huge, difference. But, even with that, there is no way I could ever ask him to cut off all ties with them. They are his parents and so I really think only he could come to a decision like that, I couldn't ask him or pressure him to do that.

If you can't get back to therapy do you think there could be a set of basic rules you set up that you could both agree to follow that would help things? Like, for us, we don't allow our in-laws to stay at our house as that just puts too much stress on us with our small house and the kids. For you guys it could be whatever bugs you most - how much notice you need for visits, what to invite them to, etc. Of course, my in-laws also will be somewhat reasonable about things just because they want to see their grandkids so I have that on my side, it doesn't sound like you necessarily even have that. Sorry.

No it definitely sounds like you get it! It sucks because he always takes their calls on his way home or steps out of the house because he knows if I hear the nasty things they say I can't get over it. He is definitely falling back to old habits and with them it's so easy for them to guilt him even when they are 100% wrong. It makes me sad to shear the things they say and I know I make it worse when I get uspet. He tries to say they do it to him not me but it's us as a family when I'm getting the texts and nasty emails. I asked him when the baby comes and if I go on bed rest again not to allow them to come because that stress will throw me over the edge. They showed up for three days when I got release from the hopital last time to strict bed rest and it was a nightmare. They wouldn't walk my dog so he had to go to my parents for 5 weeks, I was not allowed TJ change the channel on the tv - I tried at 10 pm when dh got home and his mother told me I was watching trash so on and so on so I went to bed. Ugh the memories. I'm just nervous at this rate he may allow them to this time even though we agreed. Oh man I'll jut have to sit and tlak to him when he gets home from work.

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