It's not a loss

O2girl · December 2013

That is what someone just told me after they ripped me over ivf. It isn't a loss until you are at least 12 weeks along.... Mind you I didn't start this conversation it was started by a friend who apparently doesn't give a shit about me. They literally said "it's not like you lost anything.... They were just cells". I'm in tears.

tptbabe · December 2013

(((HUGS))) I'm absolutely speechless. I really hope that she never has to experience anything like that in order to understand how incredibly hurtful that is! I'm so so sorry that supposed "friends" are acting like this. How would you even respond to something like that??? (other than the initial gut reaction of stabbing them in the face and running away crying.)

AJC&Maggie · December 2013

***ticker**** I am sick reading this! Unbelievable! No one knows the despair and devastation that we have all struggled through in this group! A loss is a loss and it never doesn't hurt. I am so sorry.

O2girl · December 2013

It actually is worse.. I went to their house to give them the Santa hats for their twins that were left at my house after my Christmas party last night... Twins they conceived through ivf. They went on about how they lost more because they went through 8 transfers to get their girls and I have only been through 1 so they are more entitled to grief. I literally left their house in tears because a) I never would compare losses and b) I never even brought this up!

I know they lost.... I know they went through hell to have their kids... But why diminish my pain? I never compared the two...

violetmarie61516 · December 2013

This is absolutely horrible. I'm SO sorry!!! I wish I could hug thought the computer. I don't know if I would ever be able to face them again.

Toriables · December 2013

I had a doctor tell me (as I bled profusely from a miscarriage) that you're not REALLY pregnant until you're 12 weeks pregnant. So the fetal heart tones I heard the week earlier were not a baby's?

Neesey · December 2013

Total bullshit! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I probably would have punched her. The next time anything bad happened to them I'd probably be a bit happy too. Just so wrong!

Margritli · December 2013

Wow, that makes me furious. I am so sorry. This should be someone who understands. Maybe they just haven't come to terms with their own losses, which is why they feel the need to lash out. ::huge hugs to you::

mmhopeful · December 2013

I'm sorry. All of our losses are very real and the people who may have arrived in our lives DID matter and always will. Just know you are not alone and tears are normal. Give yourself some time and be good to yourself.

kjf114 · December 2013

People always have a tendency to compare to make themselves feel better. You would think with them going through ivf they would know the pain is the same regardless of number of transfers. I am so so sorry

O2girl · December 2013

Thank you ladies. I'm unfortunately discovering through this IF process who my friends truly are. And sadly that has eliminated a number of people.

rlk2 · December 2013

I am so sorry you had to go through this! Some people are so insensitive! Honey, you grieve And cry all you want...you have suffered a huge loss. Big hugs!

HeatherHam10 · December 2013

That makes me sick! I'm so sorry!

SCSmith2011 · December 2013

I'm so sorry. That was a horrible thing to say. I hate people who play the pain Olympics.

missmarypoppins · December 2013

That is so insensitive, I'm so sorry

kz's_girlygirl · December 2013

I am so sorry your 'friend' reacted the way she did. No loss is better or worse IMO- They are just different. In my experience, and I don't think I am alone here, every failed cycle is a kind of loss. We all have hopes, imagine a future, plan little things in our heads- even when we try to be cautious. Those things are ripped away when we get a BFN. You had a spark of life within you, whether it was for one day or longer, it was there and it existed, and I am so sorry someone tried to trivialize your feelings and your experience.

KR250222 · December 2013

The fact that we can't, or likely can't conceive naturally is a loss. A canceled cycle is a loss. OHSS is a loss. A failed fresh or FET is a loss.

Doesn't matter how many times you go through one thing or the other, it all sucks. It's all heartbreaking. I don't know what your relationship is like with this person but it doesn't sound like someone I'd want to confide in, or be close friends with. If it took her so long to conceive then she should know exactly how you feel. True we all feel the pain differently but to tell someone how they should feel is appalling.

Hugs to you, and I'm sorry you have to deal with additional pain from someone who is supposed to be a friend.

Alicia_R1 · December 2013

((hugs)) I am so sorry you had to hear something like that from a "friend"

I just don't have words, I would have probably punched the person who said that, friend or not.

Pretty much everyone above said what I would have.

BRaven985 · December 2013

Wow...so inconsiderate. Even if that is what they really think...which is crappy in itself...but if it is, they should at least keep it to themselves. Why do people never consider other people's feeling before opening their mouths. Everyone has a right to their own grief no matter what the situation and friends should be supportive or just shut it!!!

Twinkie0612 · December 2013

That is terrible. Your friend would think I am crazy then because I am going to a candle lighting ceremony tomorrow night and lighting a candle for my "bunch of cells."

I have went to a miscarriage support group (with my sister who had a blighted ovum a few years ago) and most of the women there had losses at 17+ weeks. However none of them "judge" the women that had earlier losses. To the group a loss is a loss, whether it is at 4 weeks and 3 days like my c/p or if it is a still born like a few of the women in the group.

O2girl · December 2013

kz's_girlygirl said:
I am so sorry your 'friend' reacted the way she did. No loss is better or worse IMO- They are just different. In my experience, and I don't think I am alone here, every failed cycle is a kind of loss. We all have hopes, imagine a future, plan little things in our heads- even when we try to be cautious. Those things are ripped away when we get a BFN. You had a spark of life within you, whether it was for one day or longer, it was there and it existed, and I am so sorry someone tried to trivialize your feelings and your experience.

I completely agree with you about losses being different. I lost my dad 6 years ago and that pain was different than this pain. I would never compare the losses or anyone's loss. Additionally, we all experience grief differently, so who is to say what is right or wrong? Sadly these have been very close friends of mine and DH for many years; closer than our actual families.... So they were the last people I expected this from and I'm devastated over this now too. I don't know if it can be fixed.

herecomesthesun · December 2013

Wow, that was incredibly insensitive. I'm just stunned someone would even say that.

Pain Olympics, indeed.

krdesi · December 2013

WHAT THE F??????

That "friend" sounds like a serious bitch that you don't need in your life!

It is absolutely a loss! When I had my first IVF and my 5 embryos didn't even make it to transfer, that was a LOSS.

Your friend needs a smack in the face.

***hugs****

TaylorH84 · December 2013

Whoa! That is not acceptable AT ALL! I am SO sorry! So incredibly rude. I'm sorry you had to go through that with your 'friend' and that she made you feel like your pain wasn't justified. Unbelievable, especially after she's experienced IVF. Xoxo

RunCC37 · December 2013

OMFG. That is absolutely outrageous, I can't believe that a "friend" would EVER say something like that!!! I have never suffered a loss, so I can only imagine the pain and grief that go with it. But I do have to say, after a BFN from IVF#1, and all the rest of my embryos arresting for that cycle and IVF#2... I feel like I lost something. Big time. They may have only been two to seven cells each... but they are the closest I have ever been to a baby. Possibly the closest I will ever be to a biological child. Your "friend's" comment is insensitive. And really, really pisses me off.

AquaJacks · December 2013

How awful. So sorry you are having a bad day.

LSN8308 · December 2013

wow just when i think ive heard/read it all. that is just beyond mean and insensitive. i mean with IF occasionally you'll hear non IF ppl say "oh look on the bright side" "it couldve been worse" but someone that has physcially, mentally, emotionally gone through it???? how heartless can you be! im sorry you had to deal with that.

It's not a loss

Re: It's not a loss

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