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OAD not by choice?

Shelly038Shelly038 member
edited November 2013 in One & Done: Only child
Is there anyone on here who is OAD not by choice?  I'm not talking about medically either.  Our daughter is almost one (New Year's Eve baby), which means I'm starting to get the itch to have another (not to mention many of my friends are pregnant).  Problem is, my husband is not sure he wants another.  I definitely don't want to pressure him into anything because I don't want him to resent me or a future baby.  We haven't even talked about it recently because I'm trying to not put pressure on him.  I told him we could talk about it again when DD is closer to two (I think 2-3 years apart would be nice).  When we did talk about it a while ago, he cited concerns about finances and child care.  I have since went over our fiances and we do have enough extra if we make simple cutbacks.  I have also talked to my sister who watches our DD and she said if we'd have another when she was 3, she'd be able to watch both kids in addition to her kids.  We discussed that and he was still hesitant.  I'm starting to think he just doesn't want more and was using finances as an excuse (he knows I always stress about money, lol).  I was just wondering if anyone had been in my situation and how you dealt with it.  I'm still not sure if we will be OAD or not but I'm definitely not getting my hopes up either. 
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Re: OAD not by choice?

  • KatieB19KatieB19 member
    Welcome!! I'm sorry you and your dh aren't on the same page. :( You will definitely find comfort and support here. There's a little bit of everyone here, including fence-sitters -- whether due to internal conflict or spousal conflict. It could be that your DH is overwhelmed by the newborn stage (mine was!). Kids get more fun and easier as they get older. Well... ok toddlers aren't really "easy", lol. But they get more independent, playing with them is more interactive, and it's an entirely different experience than the newborn stage. He might change his mind when it gets more "fun", or might at the very least be more open to the conversation and willing to really hear your feelings.
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  • PhantomPowerPhantomPower member
    Welcome! I'm firmly OAD by choice now but for awhile I experienced the same thing you're experiencing. My H was set on OAD since Cooper was born but it took a long time for me to catch up. It's difficult to be on different pages.

    Is it possible to start making the simple cutbacks now? Maybe if he sees that it's financially feasible it won't be so overwhelming. Obviously that's only one part in the ultimate decision, but it might be a good place to start.
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  • scrappingcatscrappingcat member
    Similar situation here as well!  DH knew he was OAD immediately and it has taken me some time to warm up to it.  DH has also discussed that it would be much easier financially and in talking further I realized that it is a huge stress of his.  He worries frequently about "not being able to support his family" even though we are a 2 income household.  

    We initially decided that we wouldn't bring it up at all until DS was 2 and when he turned 2 we decided to wait for any "final" decisions until he was 4.  Now that he is almost 5 we are working on some permanent BC options!  
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  • meo34meo34 member

    I am one and done not by choice but medically so can't speak to that.  We did have a similar experience around adoption as I wanted to pursue adoption when DS was one and he did not.  I let it rest for a couple of years and then he opened up to the idea.  After exploring this route we then came to a mutual decision not to pursue for a myriad of reasons (hence I say here I became one and done by choice :))

     

    It may be still early to discuss yet and give it a little more time but set a target to discuss and decide together.

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  • AgoAgo member
    Welcome!  I am in the same situation as you, but we now have a 3 year old.  I didn't really want to even address it until recently (we both knew before this that it was "not now"), so now I am ready and DH is mostly "no."  It's tough, but we are here!
    University of Kansas alum Geoff Folker applies food coloring to his snow sculpture at his home on Park Street in Olathe, Kan., on Sunday, March 24, 2013. A storm that dumped up to 15 inches of snow on parts of Colorado and Kansas is making its way east, with winter storm warnings and advisories issued for today and tomorrow as far east as Pennsylvania. (AP Photo/The Kansas City Star, John Sleezer)

    January OAD Siggy Challenge: Creative Snow Sculptures

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  • TiffanyBerryTiffanyBerry member
    I'm sort of a fence sitter, but my husband is the one who really wants to be OAD.  He's like 80/20 not wanting another kid; I'm more like 60/40 wanting another.  But it's still by choice, as it's something we need to decide together.  We've been trying to make this decision for the past... year and a half or two, and aren't a whole lot closer, though.

    Good luck!  It's tough.
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  • Shelly038Shelly038 member
    Thanks for all your feedback and support ladies. I do think sometimes he's overwhelmed with parenting in general. Before we married, he was a fence-sitter about having kids in general. Once he realized how important it was to me, he was on board. DD is very low maintenance but DH likes everything to be a certain way and in order which obviously doesn't always happen with any child. I do think I'll wait until she's closer to 2 to even bring up the subject again. He hasn't told me to start selling her toys and clothing that she no longer uses. I'm also a little bit of an older momma (31 when she was born) so that also makes me feel a bit of pressure to (if its going to happen) have another sooner than later. Not to mention the "when are you having another" questions. Until we decide I might hang out here a while for support and comfort if that's ok with everyone! I am so glad to hear that I'm not the only one who has been in this situation. I may be coming to you ladies for emotional support!
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  • Shelly038Shelly038 member
    jkep5909 said:
    I don't like being referred to as "older" ( I was also 31 when I had dd). :P
    Lol, I hope you weren't actually offended.  I just know in my group of friends, I was the oldest when having my first child.  It's also nice to know some "mature" moms.  Maybe that's a better way to word it ;-)
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  • kristenndkristennd member
    I laughed because I was 40.
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  • KatieB19KatieB19 member
    I had ds when I was a week shy of 27, but I still wouldn't consider "31" to even be a mature mom, lol. I'm the reverse direction, I consider anyone who had their first at 22 or younger to be a " young" mom.

    I'm going to be 30 this year, 31 better not be old!!
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  • this decaf lifethis decaf life member
    My DH wants to be OAD and I keep remembering all the reasons why one works really well for us and why the newborn stage was the hardest thing I've ever done but I really think I'll have one more. 

    I keep saying I want to wait until DD is headed to preschool so I can give somewhat the same attention to a second child as I was able to give her but then the idea of having to restart all of this with the sleepless nights and whatnot makes me rethink the whole situation. 
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