What do you wish you had known?

CarolinaGirl2014 · December 2013

This is for Birth Moms and Adoptive Moms. I know every situation is different and every person is different, but I still love hearing perspective and feel like this could be useful to many of us waiting to go into our situations of placing or adopting.

What do you wish you had known as a bmom or amom that would have made labor and delivery, hospital stay, placement, visits, grieving, and bmom/aparent relationship, etc. easier? And for PAP's that will read this, what do you wish you had known about those first moments home with baby? I am happy with our agency, but I don't feel like they've given us much as far as what to expect at that time (maybe because they feel like they can't with how different every placement is). I know this may require you all to be blunt or show the negative side of the adoption journey, but I want to hear the truth without fear of scaring me (barring offending or attacking anyone, of course). You ladies have some incredible insight that I'd love to absorb!

Dr.Loretta · December 2013

I cannot speak to L&D or hospital stay, as DD was an emergency placement. We were matched when she was about a day old.

As far as placement, ask how it usually goes, and be flexible. Ours was actually pretty anticlimactic, for lack of a better word. the nurse helped DH put DD in the car seat, I chatted with her BM and BGM, and we walked out together. She didn't sign TPR until a day or 2 later, so there was no formal placement procedure.

As far as visits, be prepared for the first one (or two) to be somewhat awkward. Our first one was that way, definitely. But they've become progressively more chill.

I can't really speak much to grieving. DD's BM doesn't discuss any really deep topics, feelings or emotions. And she didn't know she was pregnant. So I think she was one of those unique cases where we don't know how she's processing everything as time goes on.

I don't know if there's anything that would make our relationship easier. We have been very careful to respect DD's BM's privacy and willingness to share personal info. We've been lucky in that we've been very hands-off in that regard, but she typically surprises us with things we are glad to have information about. If anything, I might have asked for more pictures, etc. early on. I still would like a copy of DD's original birth certificate just to have if for her to see. But there's plenty of time for that IMO.

First moments home: we had no idea what we needed, and it was all kind of a blur. A friend of mine (also an AP) texted to ask what we needed, and I said, "We're all set!" Ha. We had no crib mattress, a handful of clothes, and no idea what we were doing. DD wouldn't sleep in her crib, so we had to figure out how to co-sleep until she got the hang of it. So for you PAPs out there, if someone asks if you need anything, just say YES and roll with whatever they bring/do.

If you have any BMs to talk to, or experiences to read about, I'd suggest doing that to see what you may be in for.

HTH

maryoosa · December 2013

These are great questions.

So- our agency wasn't on hand for placement- which all of us felt was awkward and strange. Placement was facilitated by our son's mom's lawyer- who both she and us were meeting for the first time face to face.

We did our best to ensure that our son's mother had privacy- and we didn't camp out in her hospital room, nor did we have our own. We made sure that we only visited when it was ok with her. I think we wish that we could have been more direct in having time to spend just with her and the baby- not with her, and her parents, and her sister, and her non-baby-related boyfriend etc--- we'd formed such a close bond that the hospital with all the other people just was weird (though I'm sure much weirder and harder for her than for us). I also wish someone had told us to have a friend nearby- at our hotel, or a nearby restaurant- because there were moments for *us* (and from our anxiety) where we were certain that placement wasn't going to happen- it would have been really useful to have someone to talk to then- and our agency was useless at that point.

I also wish that we'd been better prepared to bear witness to her grief process. We knew there would be serious grieving- much like grief over death- but having to see it week in and week out was much harder than I thought it would be- and I had no mechanisms to cope with it- I just wanted to make it better and nothing I could have done would make the situation better. We saw her at least 2X weekly for the first 8 weeks post placement. It was REALLY tough - on us, on her I'm sure, and on the other members of both families who were around.

TPR was signed and we live in a 30 day revocation state- so- those 30 days for us were torture- for her I'm sure they were too for other reasons--- at one point in the first two weeks she sent us an email reaffirming her decision and talking about the awkward of visits- and that was helpful and chilled us out a little bit- she didn't have to do that and we feel blessed that she was able to be so open with us about her feelings.

Visiting has been awkward- some days are still better than others- scheduling is sometimes a hot mess- and we try as hard as we can to rearrange our schedules to accommodate her because we want to make sure she knows how committed we are to ensuring that she and her son spend time together. Like I said- some visits are just better- some I leave feeling utterly depressed. But we're all muddling through.

I think one of our really hard things right now is knowing where the boundaries are--- I'm inclined to just be like "hey come hang out for every little thing we do" and my partner is really clear that we need to carve time out for us, as our family of 3.

I'm not sure what I wish I had known in those first days--- I think mainly--- I wish I'd known and been ready for exactly how in-love with this tiny human I'd be and how utterly and wordlessesly thankful and grateful and inspired I am by his birth parent. This kid is the best thing in my life and he has drawn together a whole host of people who might otherwise never have met each other- for better or for worse--- it's like the most intense relationship ever.... also- I wish I'd known that I'd need lots of little baby hats, and swaddle blankets, and that the rock-n-play sleeper is the best thing ever, and that sometimes, it's ok to leave the kid in a swing when you go take a shower.

Much love to you on this journey. Take care of yourself. Talk to your friends and family, and be well.

MrsMuenich · December 2013

I wish I'd known beforehand to assign a speaker for me - my mom naturally filled that role, but it was so nice to have someone to talk to nurses and to ask me when I wanted APs to come and visitors and such. It was nice also to have someone there with me nearly the whole time. I really needed to not be alone or I was going to go CRAZY!

If it can be one of your older relatives, that's what I'd suggest. Friends and siblings love you, but if they haven't had a child, they just don't have a frame of reference for what you're doing. I also liked what PP said; it can be good to reaffirm to the PAPs that you're committed (or that you aren't if you aren't). Just because you know what you're going to do doesn't mean that they really REALLY know. It's painful to be a BM; it's scary to be an AP. I know!

maryoosa · December 2013

I also wanted to add--- our son's mom asked us to stay in the room with her while she signed TPR. We were---not prepared for that---and felt tremendously honored that she as allowing us to witness that moment. And that we would be able to later tell our son about it--- somehow...

CarolinaGirl2014 · December 2013

Thanks ladies! This info is fantastic.

plus12012 · December 2013

Our agency definitely did there best to prepare us. But, on the day of DD's birth they were not at the hospital with us and we had to navigate our way through that emotional roller coaster on our own. I wish I had known how emotional I would be and how instantly I would fall in love with our baby. It is extremely hard to have that baby placed in your arms and have to leave knowing that a decision could still be made and that baby will never go home with you. The stress can be a little overwhelming.

MagickalNarwhal · December 2013

I don't know, I feel like for me, I was actually told all the things I wish I had known, but I either didn't listen or didn't truly absorb them. I don't think that there is any way for me to have been truly prepared for all the emotions of navigating not only the match time and the hospital, but honestly the entire first year.

Because of my family history (my mom is a birth mom) and my infertility, losses and failed adoption match (that caused me to put up giant protective walls around me ever becoming a mom), I spent so much of the match, hospital and post placement time feeling grief and empathy and love for our son's birthmom, and had a very hard time accessing any maternal feelings within myself. Because I felt for her so strongly, every time I looked at my kid in the early weeks and felt any sort of positive emotion, it was immediately overshadowed by my feelings for her. Like, "oh look he just smiled at me!" became "how sad that he isn't smiling at her". Visits were difficult because I was torn between wanting to hand him over and let them both have as much time and intimacy as possible, vs the reality that I was his mom and I knew what he needed, how to soothe him, etc etc.

We had the unique opportunity for a sort of do -over, in that we adopted a second child from the same birth parents. It was very different and because of what I had learned, and the fact that my focus on her/them actually did get in the way of me attaching to my son the way I wanted to, and the way he deserved, we had to shut some doors that had previously been wide open. It was very very very hard to do, as I love them both so much and I hate that I needed to do something that felt hurtful to them. But I did realize that I wasn't doing anyone any favors by basically putting my heart on hold because of my guilt and genuine grief and empathy on their behalf.

All this is very specific to my situation, just wanted to share with you. I think about you lots and I love all the questions you are asking and the ways that you are approaching this. Your kid is very lucky to have you as a mom

MagickalNarwhal · December 2013

A few things that our kids' birthmom shared with me after the fact was that she was not prepared for the physical aftermath of birth. Her boobs were painfully engorged, she had no idea that she'd be leaking everywhere all the time for a while, that her hooha would be painful and bleeding for a long long time, that she'd be physically exhausted beyond what she anticipated after L&D. She also did not anticipate the physical longing for a baby that wasn't there.

MagickalNarwhal · December 2013

Sorry, hit send too soon!! Anyway, she definitely made some changes for the second time around, like making sure she had tons of pads, breast pads, etc etc. She also was a little more prepared for what her capabilities would be after the birth, and made sure the house was clean, that she had a good stock of cat food and litter, some meals made etc.

The other thing that she was not prepared for was how everyone who had been so awesome and supportive while she was pregnant basically fell away after the birth. She figured that the pregnancy was a tangible thing that people could somewhat related to, but they either figured that after placement the "hard" part was over, or they didn't know how to handle or support her in her grief or postpartum time. She was deeply deeply surprised by this. She also saw this the second time around, where everyone kind of figured she "knew the drill" and didn't need support. Not a single person came to see her in the hospital after the second kid was born. She is also very very uncomfortable asking for what she needs or wants so she wasn't able to ask for the support that she needed. If you are able to be very direct with people now and let them know that you will still need support after placement, possibly even more that pre-placement, and what that might look like for you, that might be helpful.

erinmc1 · December 2013

There were a couple things. First, I wasn't really prepared for the hospital stay. The staff basically treated us like unwelcome guests until after J's BM was discharged. They wouldn't let me breastfeed him, wouldn't let us into the delivery room, and they wouldn't give us any info about his health. His BM had asked if we wanted to be in the room and if my hubby wanted to cut the cord, so waiting out in the hallway for 20 minutes after his birth was torture, and I wish our expectations hadn't been so out of proportion to reality.

I also REALLY wish someone had told me it's ok not to be overjoyed all the time during those first couple months after placement. My hubby left for military training 3 weeks after J was born, came home for a week, then deployed. I had this major life shift, all of a sudden I was an exhausted single mom. I really struggled with it, but we'd waited so long and wanted a baby so badly that everyone acted like I should be thrilled 100% of the time. And I just wasn't. Even without the special circumstances, being sleep-deprived is hard. Losing all your independence is hard. Not being able to be as productive and active is really hard. I was depressed, and felt guilty about it. So yea, it's not all roses. It's a tough adjustment. And it's ok to admit that.

withclubsauce · December 2013

Our son just came home Thanksgiving day, so I don't necessarily have the perspective of having time to process everything.

1) These were the most nerve wracking days of my life. While I love and trusted our BM, you never know if she will feel the same way after the baby is born. Everyone of your friends wants to rejoice, will be asking why you haven't posted on FB, asking how it feels to be a mom, will just assume that the baby is yours now even if you've explained the legal portion of things. One minute you want to jump in head first and rejoice, the next you are shaking in your boots that this little person you are in awe of and in love with won't go home with you. The next minute you will feel guilty keeping a wall up.

2) We didn't invite anyone to the hospital during delivery. Thankfully one of the few people in our loop knew we were there and had an appointment next door. She came and sat with us during delivery. She held hands with me and prayed with us when things didn't go according to plan, and made me laugh at the right time to bring my blood pressure down. This was also great as in the thick of it the rest of our loop wanted updates. I COULD NOT PROCESS. She was able to text people for me, I put my phone down and ignored everyone. I am beyond thankful for her.

3) The staff at our hospital was wonderful. They do not do many adoptions, but were all SO respectful of us. We were used to getting bits of info here and there. Our hospital did not have a nursery, so they put our son in the NICU because it was too hard for her to have him room with her. She called to see if she could visit (TPR had not been completed) the NICU nurses came over and asked us if that was ok. What they could say about us etc. (We stayed to love on her for a few minutes and then gave her time with him). Anyway our agency said that since so few adoptions are done there its different every time. I pray everyone gets nurses as encouraging as ours were. But don't expect that. She almost delivered at another hospital, and their rules for AP would have given us no access except as guests of BM. At our hospital I was given a bracelet as if I was the father so I could come and go as I please and have my own guests I would ask if that is at all possible.

4) 2 weeks later I still don't know how to express my feelings toward BM. Thank you is the only thing I know to say, but it will NEVER convey how I feel. You might grieve for her depending how close you got to her.

5) The first days at home feel almost like babysitting. I LOVE my son, but it took 5 years to get him here. Mentally I had prepared for it to never happen, so I kept waiting for someone to come pick him up.

6) I stressed myself out to the point of tears a couple of times the first few days home that I was not worthy of this gift, and felt like a fraud. Your emotions will be insane.

I'm sure I not thinking of 100 things I should tell you, even though I've blabbed on and on.

PS. Our agency does BM counseling after TPR. I am happy to pay more to know that she is being taken care of. If you aren't with an agency, might want to ask about after care for BM.

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