Adoption
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newbie post, intro and a question
By way of introduction, DH and I have struggled with infertility issues and just this week found out we were miscarrying. It has been devastating to us both, obviously. I have always wanted to adopt, since I was young enough to even understand what it was, and recently given what we have endured through TTC, I want to adopt more and more. The only thing that is holding me back is DH's feelings about it. I think he would like to adopt but is reluctant b/c it would force him to face the fact that we will not have biological children of our own. Has anyone here been in a situation where your DH was maybe reluctant to adopt but you felt like you were totally ready to take that step? This is so hard. Thanks for reading.
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Re: newbie post, intro and a question
Hi and welcome. I'm so sorry about your loss.
I can't answer your question per se because I was the one that needed a little time. DH was ready to adopt before me. I knew I wanted to adopt and was totally open to it but because we didn't exhaust all iuis before moving on I had to have time to deal with that. We did one last iui while applying to adopt because I never wanted to look back with regret. I'm so glad we made the decision we did and we're so excited to be adopting. I needed to grieve my fertility and I did that. You and your dh may need to do the same thing. Take the time you need and good luck as you continue your journey.
I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with pp, you two might just need some time to grieve this loss before moving forward. I know that my DH was ready before I was - though we had always talked about it in theory. When I lost Chloe, I needed time to acknowledge it in my heart before I could step into the world of adoption. My DH jumped right in - I think maybe to help him through the process of grieving - to move forward. Everyone is different.
This is a great board - lots of supportive and knowledgable women here. Welcome to the board and I look forward to sharing your journey with you!
PS - your profile name - that song has been our song (me and DH) during our whole family planning journey.
I am so sorry you are going through this. ?Having experienced five miscarriages, I know how heartbreaking they are and that you need to allow yourself to grieve. ?Take that time and know you don't have to make any decisions immediately.
A friend who went through IVF gave me some good advice that you can only focus on one at a time, either the medical intervention for biological children or adoption. ?Both take a lot of energy and have their own challenges. ?If there are other avenues you want to pursue medically, maybe keep adoption on the back burner for awhile.?
I did find a local RESOLVE conference that included sessions on grief and the transition from having a biological child to adopted child. ?Adoption agencies also offer some sessions on that, but that would be after making a commitment to adopting. ?Maybe there are some similar things in your area?
My DH and I are fortunate, as we've both been in families that are bio/adoptive our whole lives and are accepting of that. ?I'm actually adopted. ?But it took my DH saying he just can't keep going through the losses to get me to the point of exploring this. ?It does sound like your DH will come around--he's just not there yet. ?
Good luck in whatever you decide.?
I'm so sorry about your loss... I know the pain of miscarriage all too well. We decided to adopt when the pain of TTC became too much physically and mentally for us both to go on. Our adoption plans gave me a renewed spirit of optimism and I can finally go into baby stores and baby showers again. I realized that as much as I wanted to have a successful pregnancy and carry our biological child, what was really important to me was ultimately being a mom. Our child is my ultimate hope, not a pregnancy.
I know its very hard and I also believe a lot of the feelings take a very long time to resolve themselves. I talked to an adoptive mother of two grown children the other day and she said the although she wouldn't change anything with her children she didn't really mourn the idea of never giving birth until after the two adoptions and her 40th birthday. Having trouble conceiving and having a loss are pain that a lot of us share and we know all too well. That pain we will know forever. My hope is that I can find happiness down another path and some of that pain will be eased along the way.
Hi...I am sorry for your loss.
I don't have much to add but to say that any changes to our life course take some time to adapt to....be patient. Time will help. And take care of yourself in the meantime.
My hubby and I were in a similiar scenario. We went through IUI's and IVF....finally we were just done. We had talked about adoption prior to trying the fertility treatments, so I was kind of prepared in my head for the adoption step. But hubby needed more time. He had a lot of grieving and anger to work through, and it took some time. At first he thought he was going to be alright, but after our first intro visit with the homestudy agency and we worked through the packet, he just couldn't do it. We put things on hold for a bit until he felt like he could move forward with all his heart. It's such a big step, you have to be together. We knew the road was going to be a roller coaster, and we knew that we had to be strong, recharged, and fully in the decision. I'm so thankful that we took our time before moving forward.
I think if you give your hubby some time to work through his own emotions, you will find he is just as eager as you are to get underway. But men handle things like this differently. It took a while before my hubby could really even put into words what he was feeling and acknowledge and admit that he was angry. Just be patient.
Good luck and I hope everyone's comments are helpful and encouraging.
Erica
Welcome. This is a great board full of wonderful (and informative!) women.
I had the same issue with DH. We always thought of adoption in more abstract terms, but as time went on it became more and more of a possibility. I read "Adoption for Dummies" and was SO excited. DH, on the other hand, felt I was trying to pressure him into something he wasn't ready for.
It's taken some time and talking, but now he's making weekly walks through the house deciding what needs to get done for a homestudy. We've attended seminars and hope to have an agency chosen around the beginning of the year.
I guess my best advice is to keep the lines of communication open. You both need to be on the same page, and it's good to really lay out what your DH's hopes and fears are. I found that my DH had some of the "typical" issues with adoption centered around custody issues, how much it cost, how long it took, etc. Once we attended a few informational seminars and did some research, things started to become clearer for him.
Good luck and feel free to visit often. Everyone is at different phases in the adoption process, so there's a lot of great feedback.