May 2014 Moms

What would you do? (Long/NBR)

My brother and I get a text from my mom yesterday saying that she and my step-dad are breaking up and she's moving in with my grandparents. I call my mom, she's hysterical, she's can't even speak she's so upset, I ask if she wants to come over and talk, she says she can't leave because his car is blocking hers. I volunteer to go get her. She says no, she's going to go in and talk to him. Not even an hour later, she text us again and says "everything is better, I'll call you later." Now she wants to come over for holiday baking with him this weekend. I don't want to really be around either of them, but especially him. I've never felt comfortable around him, but have always been cordial for my mom's sake.

Back story: my mom was a shitty mom, had me young, had my brother eight years later. Left me to care for my brother so she could go out. My junior year my mom meets step-dad at a bar, she also wins a million+ dollars at the casino. SD being the opportunist he is, convinces mom to move in together and buy a house. They both have gambling addictions, but he also has an $800 a month weed habit. They lose house due to this, he wants divorce, bails, then comes back and my mom expects us to act as though nothing happened. They move into apartment, eventually get utilities shut of due to non-payment, mom moves in with me. His grandma dies, he gets huge (200K) inheritance, they move into grandma's house, all is good again in their relationship. They blow all (200K) in less than a year, he gets fired from his job for pissing hot. The money is gone now, neither have jobs, he's blowing all his unemployment on weed.

Now my bro and I get this text.

Would you tell mom that you don't want to be around him? Do you suck it up for your mom's sake? I will still have to see him at our family gatherings, because I refuse to not see my grandparents because he is there.

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Re: What would you do? (Long/NBR)

  • Hmmm... I don't think it's super helpful for people to tell you what they would do, because what it really comes down to is what you want. If you've come to a place where it goes against your values to spend time with this guy/be around them as a couple, you need to set limits and be assertive about it. Weigh the pros and cons, think about how it impacts you, and be honest with your mom about the conclusions you've come to. Of course, you may know that it won't go well to lay down these boundaries, and it might have consequences to do so, but if this has become nothing but stressful, negative thing in your life, you need to take care of yourself and do what's best for your own family. Good luck, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Family stuff is always rife with complications and layers, and I know it's never easy. 


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  • Oh man, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  It's so hard when our parents act like they're the children.  I've been there before.  I've found that in any unhealthy relationship, the more you tell the person that you don't want to be around their significant other and don't support it, the more they run to that person and isolate themselves from you.  If it were me, I would probably just suck it up for my mom as hard as that might be.  You could certainly share with her your concerns, but not in a way that makes her think you don't support her decisions as an adult.

    I've also been on the flip side where I was with someone who was bad for me and my entire family was not shy about sharing how they felt about him..that just made me want to prove them wrong when in the end, they were right.  I had to realize it on my own.

    Good luck!  ((hugs))

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  • :-< so so sorry you're dealing with this! Ugh!

    I want to say, it may be about time for her to hear how you feel. Maybe it'll be the push she needs to get away from him and get her shit together. BUT...there's plenty of things I should say to my own mother, and just don't. It's hard!! I understand how difficult that would be.

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  • Oh wow. I'm so sorry you had to go through that growing up. It really doesn't sound like your mom ever grew up. It must be hell watching her make all those (really poor) choices. Without bailing on family gatherings and distancing yourself from your family, I'm not sure how you could avoid being around him if he comes to everything with her. I can certainly see why you wouldn't want to be though.. Sorry I'm not much help, hopefully others will have some advice!
  • Oh jeez.  Huge hugs... that's about all I've got.  Not sure what I'd do, but here's hoping everything works out okay.  Sorry you're dealing with that!

    Same here girl! I don't really have anything to add (sorry) sending hugs and happy thoughts your way! Good luck.
  • Oh, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! All I can say is maybe if you're mom could be rational about it and understand you don't want to be around him? Hopefully she can see that and not take it personally. 
    FWIW, my grandma begun a highly inappropriate relationship with someone else close to the family and she sounds...similar to your mother. I had to sit her down and express that I was not comfortable being around the two of them together, and if she wanted to see me then it would have to be her alone. She was hurt in the beginning, but now she knows that's the only way she gets to see me.

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  • Yikes. Hugs for you. I don't even know what I'd do, tbh. The grandparent part is what would give me hesitation in laying it all out on the table. That might have to be something that gets shelved for the time being, so that you can still enjoy them relatively drama free. That really sucks.
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  • That sounds tough and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I would still let them come over and be civil, provided they don't try and prey on you for money or ask to move in. If you think there will be coercion involved, then maybe some distance is best. I understand not much liking the step-dad- I sure wouldn't- but I'd hate to hurt an already strained relationship with my mom. As long as they don't bring their problems to your door and expect you to help fix them, then keeping a cautious but courteous line of communication may be better in the long run.

    On the other hand, toxic relationships tend to stay toxic. If that's what this is for you, cutting ties isn't unreasonable.
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  • Ugh. I'm sorry. I hate family drama. We have a lot right now with my ILs and my favorite strategy is to avoid them/it as much as possible. I wish I had better advice. Hugs.
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  • Thanks for the advice and well wishes!

    I guess another thing that really pisses me off is that my kids are getting the shit end of the stick when it comes to grandparents. Between my mom and SD, my alcoholic father, and my H's family who live in FL.

    I had kick ass grandparents, I'm pissed my kids don't too.

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  • Tough. Tough tough. I hope you can find a balance that works for you. 

    I've never met my BIL because my sister married her drug buddy. I don't do toxic anymore, not from my mother, not from my sister. I refuse to subject myself or my kid to it. It's been liberating. No more cycles of passive aggressive abandonment, no more ruined holidays.  
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  • I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  Your mom doesn't sound like the type of person who's going to listen to reason.  If it were me, I would probably just suck it up when I have to be around him.  I understand that they both exhibit behaviors that are hard to deal with, but they aren't really effecting you directly.  Just from what you said, I can only imagine that telling your mom you don't want to be around him will just cause her to separate herself from you. 

    Unfortunately, people have to want to change.  If they don't, there isn't much you can do except decide how you are going to react to it.  GL with whatever you decide!
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  • Thanks for the advice and well wishes! I guess another thing that really pisses me off is that my kids are getting the shit end of the stick when it comes to grandparents. Between my mom and SD, my alcoholic father, and my H's family who live in FL. I had kick ass grandparents, I'm pissed my kids don't too.

    I cried about this the other day. My MIL died a year ago and her grand kids were her universe. I'm jealous that her other grand kids got her for 10+ years and DD only got her for 9 months. Now my FIL is getting remarried and doesn't seem to give a shit about anyone but his new lady. I'm so thankful that I have my parents, though. I still feel like my kids got ripped off, but I try to remind myself that they have no expectations and have plenty of other people who care about them.
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  • I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I would suck it up if it meant seeing grandparents. I would not be thrilled about being in the same room, but if there's not likely to be conflict I'd deal with it for a bit. :( good luck!





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  • OH wow. I am sorry your mom acts like that and you've had to deal with so much. I don't have much advice but I would definitely  be very choosy about when/where/how much time I spent around either of them.
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  • I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't have any advice. Just offering some support and ((hugs)).
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  • Thanks for the advice and well wishes!

    I guess another thing that really pisses me off is that my kids are getting the shit end of the stick when it comes to grandparents. Between my mom and SD, my alcoholic father, and my H's family who live in FL.

    I had kick ass grandparents, I'm pissed my kids don't too.




    I cried about this the other day. My MIL died a year ago and her grand kids were her universe. I'm jealous that her other grand kids got her for 10+ years and DD only got her for 9 months. Now my FIL is getting remarried and doesn't seem to give a shit about anyone but his new lady. I'm so thankful that I have my parents, though. I still feel like my kids got ripped off, but I try to remind myself that they have no expectations and have plenty of other people who care about them.

    That really sucks. I'm sorry.

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  • I'm so sorry. That's hard. I would probably grin and bear it just to see her and try to keep the peace. But I wouldn't forget.
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