Bi-Weekly Wine and Cheese Party

sammer818 · December 2013

Good Morning Lovely Ladies!

It's that time again. This is our bi-weekly check in, condensed version. Feel free to let us know how life is; you can b!tch, you can moan, you can brag, you can cry, whatever you want. Enjoy!

This will be the last check-in before Christmas, so I hope everyone has a very happy holiday season!

sammer818 · December 2013

As always, I'll start!

Our surrogate got her medical clearance and we are now waiting on the lawyers to draft and finalize our parentage agreement. The agency is pushing for all parties involved to be completely done with things before the new year, so there is a chance she can start her meds before January 1. I think once she gets her medication and the actual process of IVF gets going, things are going to get a lot more real for us.

I don't have much in non-TTCAL news. I need a vacation something awful, but I don't have the ability to take days off in the near future. I need a day or two at home by myself to just get organized and caught up on everything. I'm feeling very disorganized and scatter-brained lately and I'm sure the holidays are helping that any. Hopefully after New Years, I can get myself back together and working towards my goals and stuff again.

anitaflora · December 2013

Hey sammer! Thanks so much for the party

Yay for the progress for you!! That's so great that everything is moving along! I am really rooting for you and for things to go smoothly from here on out

As for me, we got DH's SA results back. Morphology and concentration were normal but motility was low. I think it was something like 24 or 28 percent. They look for 50. But from what I was reading, if we go with the IVF route, if we're able, the ICSI process might be able to help with that? I'm not sure if I've got that right or not, I am totally new to even looking into what the IVF process entails. But while the motility is lower than normal, I don't think it's toooo huge of a hurdle, but definitely not something we need when trying to overcome other hurdles.

I am trying to relax about my upcoming consultation appointment on the 18th, but it is really hard. I keep telling myself that I don't need to think one way or another about what our path forward is because I haven't talked to the doctor yet. But once that talk happens, that will mean I have a whole lot more to weigh in my mind. And either outcome, that he recommends IVF or doesn't, will have its own huge set of concerns, worries, emotions, and decisions. So I go back and forth about it and I'm having some days that are just really, really hard.

I kind of don't know which option is harder - either no IVF and just continuing to try on our own, knowing that I might (likely) go through who knows how many more losses before we *possibly* on a huge long shot get our rainbow baby? And not knowing how much more I can take of that...and how much the risk of birth defects outweighs my hope to have another child...

Or the IVF route (if it's even something the dr would consider), which would have all the insurance and financial hurdles, as well as emotional and physical, and which also has the chance of ending in loss anyway. But might possibly have a chance of being a solution for the major cause of our losses

I just don't know and it's hard not to mentally jump through emotions and decisions about it before I have whatever recommendation the doctor is going to make.

Thanks for listening ladies...

Some holiday chocolate cheer:

luciddreamer106 · December 2013

@Sammer818 You're getting so close! I hope the legal part goes smoothly and everything else goes forward without any hiccups.

I've started running more to help get my mind off of TTCAL, but I injured my foot yesterday during an otherwise great run.

It's probably just minor and will hopefully resolve by icing and rest. If it doesn't feel better, I'll go to the doctor.

**Pregnancy mentioned**

I'm feeling really down about the holidays. My self-absorbed SIL is due in the beginning of January, but absolutely convinced the baby will come early (no actual reason, just a feeling

8-|). I got my 2nd BFP just before Christmas last year and announced to our families on Christmas day, talking about how excited we were that this time next year, we hope to have a new baby to celebrate with. I really don't want to spend Christmas with her and her new husband's family because I know it'll be nonstop baby talk and I don't think I can handle it. I just want to spend Christmas alone with MH, but feel a little guilty about it. I don't know the extended family well and feel awkward being at their house because Christmas to me has always been about close family. I know he wants to spend it with his sister. She was a little obnoxious before, but now she's almost unbearable to be around (moody, yells at her husband, demands to be waited on, complains, etc.)

Sorry for the long rant. I'm sure you all feel the same way that this isn't the holiday season we all imagined. On top of all that, AF is due right before Christmas and I'm hoping that it won't be adding fuel to the fire.

jenkellen · December 2013

Hi ladies.

@sammer818 - Woohoo for medical clearance! I'm glad things are moving forward! Jan 1st would be amazing!

@anitaflora - Yes, w/ ICSI motility would not be an issue. All they need is one sperm! I think ICSI is becoming fairly standard with IVF now since it's associated with higher success rates. I look forward to hearing about your appt!

@luciddreamer106 - I totally get it. I hate that this time of year has been ruined for us. I also have a pregnant SIL that is due in Jan, and a sister that is due in Feb which is making it impossible to hide my emotions. Huge (((hugs))).

@jalara48 - so can you really not get your money back since it's closing? That's terrible! When will you start the IVF process? Shipping embryos - so surreal!

I'm doing much better this week. My husband was here for a few days, just left again today. We got a few "tries" in. Don't think our timing will be great since I'm just about to get a positive, but I'm doing Ok with that. I've got my loss date coming up in a week so I'm a bit anxious about it, but I know once it's here I'll be able to get through it.

buggirl72 · December 2013

Good morning everyone!

@sammer818 - OMG that is so soon!!!! I hope everything continues to move quickly forward and that you have a wonderful holiday!

@anitaflora - ((((hugs)))) Remember, there are only two real outcomes to your appointment - yes to IVF or no to IVF. Control what you can control. One thing I do I'm stressed about something like this is to try and imagine the possible outcomes and how I will respond/react to each one. I usually end up having something said that I was not expecting but, at least, I feel somewhat prepared when I walk in the door.

@luciddreamer106 - Booo about your foot! I hope it is minor and that you can get back out there again quickly. As far as Christmas, there is nothing wrong with saying no and staying home. It's hard when your DH is not on the exact same page but I firmly believe that you should not have to torture yourself because of what is socially expected. This is your grief and you know what you can and can't handle. Let your DH know that you really are not up to it and see if you can come to a compromise. Last year, I let DH push me into going to his family (overnight trip) for Thanksgiving (I ended up going to bed about 6:30ish because I had enough) but I told him that Christmas was a no-go. We stayed home. The compromise was that he wanted to still go over the top for Christmas. We still did gifts and decorated but I did not have to deal with the pressure of being with other people.

@jalara48 - I am so excited for you! How long should it take for the medical visas to go through? And many ((((hugs)))) on your agency closing.

@jenkellen - many ((((hugs))))). For me, the build up to the actual date has been worse then the day itself. Be gentle on yourself over the next couple weeks.

@bookshelves - I see you lurking! Hiiii!

My update:

TTCAL - CD1 should be today or tomorrow based on what my temps are doing. I rationally know that the chances for us to get a BFP are very slim any given month but I still get stupidly optimistic each cycle. I also think we need to start seriously looking at the adoption front - but I feel like that is also an acceptance that I will not conceive so I have some real mental hang-ups about it. Cost is also an issue since that is what knocked donor eggs off the table for us. DH's company does provide some good adoption benefits so we need to find out more about that and see what the actual cost for us would be. I just feel like it would be better if I had a real job before we go down that road but also feel like we are running out of time and need to make some sort of move now.

Non-TTCAL - the temp job I'm doing is winding down. Last week we worked 70 hours, this week 33 - and the last day we honestly had nothing to do. We were processing enrollment applications for insurance during the annual enrollment period which ended on Saturday so it is not surprising that the volume of work dropped dramatically. I feel bad for many of the ladies who were hoping that this would turn into a permanent job. They let 5 out of 19 people go on Wednesday which shocked a bunch of them and I expect that over the next week or so they will let another 10 go. They have a system conversion happening this weekend that may or may not generate more work for us.

At this point, I don't mind if I'm in the next group that goes - I'm actively trying to get placed on a Document Review with one of the staffing companies telling me they will use me for the next one that should start this month. I also have to study for the bar at some point so, if I don't get on a Doc Review project then I need to decide if I just want to take Jan/Feb completely off, study for the bar, and go to some continuing legal education classes to network with people in this area. My school also offered to give me a small stipend if I want to do volunteer work. It's really small but I would also be able to do a forbearance on my student loan during that time period. I'm holding back on that one only because I don't want to make a commitment to a place and then get an actual job a week or two later.

jbasore1123 · December 2013

@Sammer818- So exciting! Things are moving along.

@anitaflora IVF with ICSI should help take care of that. They will pick out the best looking sperm and inseminate with those. Motility isn't an issue when it comes to ICSI. I know the idea is daunting, but check to see what your insurance will cover. We did genetic testing as well and most of it was actually covered through our medical insurance. Out of pocket it was $2750.

@luciddreamer106 (((HUGS))). I'm sorry you're struggling. Your SIL sounds like a handful

@jalara48 How long will it take for the visas? (((HUGS))) for everything else

@jenkellen (((HUGS))) for your loss date. I agree with PP, the build up seems to be worse. Be kind to yourself. And FX that your timing was better than you think

@bugggirl72 I agree you about the adoption being mentally difficult. It's hard opening that door since it seems like you're closing one that you've worked hard on for so long

edit: SP

jbasore1123 · December 2013

Hi ladies, no big updates here. Still on BCP in preparation for IVF in January. I finally got my calendar:

December 17^th- preliminary monitoring appointment to make sure there are no cysts and meds arrive
December 27^th- Start Lupron injections, 10 units
January 3^rd- Stop birth control pills
January 6^th- Start stim injections, amount TBD
January 11^th- First monitoring ultrasound, sign paperwork
End of week of January 13^th- Egg retrieval!

Everything is a week later than the doctor projected, but that’s fine. I’m just thrilled to be back on the schedule. I don’t think I could say it enough- please please please let us get a good embryo this time! If we don't, my DH wants to move onto donor eggs or donor embryos (if we can even afford it) and I'm not ready to give up on my body. But I understand that we can't keep paying for something if it's not working.

I'm trying to get excited for the holidays. My loss date is on the 17th so I'm trying to avoid thinking "I should have had a baby for this Christmas". But our visit home will keep us busy and I'll be excited to see friends and family again whom I haven't seen in awhile.

luciddreamer106 · December 2013

@anitaflora Good luck at your consultation this week. I hope that you’re able to get all of your questions answered so you can feel ok making a decision.

@jalara48 It’s so upsetting that the agency is closing down and all the work you did is gone. I hope the medical visa process doesn’t take too long.

@jenkellen I’m glad to hear you’re doing better and that YH could stay for a few days before having to leave again. ((hugs)) for your loss date. Do something nice for yourself.

@buggirl72 Feeling optimistic is the only thing that keeps us going sometimes, so don’t feel stupid for hanging onto that. When do you find out if you’ll be in on the Document Review project?

@jbasore1123 I’m so happy that you’re back on the schedule. You’re getting so close!

EKGibs · December 2013

TB ate my responses to everyone AGAIN. That pisses me off so stinking bad. I don't have any new updates. Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary to my BFP so my loss date is quickly approaching. I hate dates like these.

Rachaeleigh · December 2013

I've been really busy lately but did want to pop in and say hello to all off you ladies. I'm always lurking to keep tabs on everyone.

nothing new with me, heading to acupuncture again today. I have had yet another skin break out our disturbance, doesn't look like the hives from last time. I did add a few foods/ supplements this month so I'm slowly eliminating them to see if the rash goes away. so frustrating

luciddreamer106 · December 2013

@EKGibs ((hugs))
@rachaelhudson Hi there! I hope the rash goes away and you can figure out what might be causing it.

anitaflora · December 2013

Sorry it's taken me so long to circle back to this post... holiday madness!! Finally got cookies baked and distributed and at least a good bit of shopping done. So I finally have a minute to sit down and write.

@luciddreamer106 - big hugs to you, lady. The holidays are tough enough with TTCAL challenges, but on top of it to have to deal with your SIL's pregnancy... well it just sucks I'm sure and I'm so sorry you're facing that.

@jalara48 - I'm so glad for you that things are moving forward on the India surrogacy front. When will your medical visas be approved? But I'm simultaneously so sad to hear about all the struggles you're having as far as adoption and the agencies

((((hugs))))

@jenkellen - On your chart it looks like you turned out to have some good timing this cycle! Yay for that! ((((big hugs)))) as your loss date approaches.

@buggirl72 - First, I'm sorry this cycle was a bust

It's not stupid that you get your hopes up - I know what you mean about feeling like it's stupid but really it's not at all. Right now every cycle still does hold a chance no matter how small and I think it's completely normal that you are getting your hopes up - it's almost impossible not to for me. I know you don't have any easy decisions ahead and I'm just so sad that you are facing such tough choices right now. I wish you didn't have to - and I wish there was a way to make it easy. ((((hugs))))

@jbasore1123 - how did your preliminary monitoring appointment go?? You may have posted on the main board and I just haven't seen it yet. But I hope it all went great and everything is on schedule for you!

@Hawkward - lots and lots of luck with your upcoming call to your RE. It may have happened by now.... but I hope it all goes/went well and I hope you and YH can come to agreement on a plan going forward. I'm glad you're talking to someone and hope meeting with the counselor is helping on lots of levels.

@snegde - so many hugs to you lady (and more off board

)

@EKGibs - big squishy hugs your way while you're facing these anniversaries

@rachelhudson - ugh I'm sorry you're dealing with the skin issues - I hope you can identify the source of the rash and be able to eliminate it!

To kind of respond to everyone's questions/comments /provide an update regarding me and what's up ...

I did have my follow up consult today and he did say that we could go ahead with IVF. His plan ahead would be first retesting DH's sperm to see if it was just a "bad" batch or if there really is a motility issue. He said even if there is, it's not at all something insurmountable.

He said we could go the route of IUI but I explained I didn't really see how much value that would give us vs. our trying on our own.... and basically our discussion resulted that he agreed as well that he thought going straight to IVF would probably be better in my situation.

As for screening though, he thought that it would be better to do a round of IVF without it first. And then if that didn't work, in subsequent rounds we could look into that. It sounded like he felt like the risk that we would lose embryos as a result of doing a biopsy would be substantial enough that he'd rather for the first round try to transfer 2-3 if we have them vs. doing the screening from the get go. While it would make me scared to death (well all of it does actually) to transfer more than one, that would be like giving us more of a chance that one of them would implant. It would be different if I had decidedly healthy eggs, then I think he wouldn't want to transfer more than one.

So DH and I are talking about this more now that it's a possibility. And I'm pretty sure we're leaning towards going forward with it and switching my insurance so we could be able to afford it. But even with the coverage, we are still going to be tapping into the only resource we have - my 401k.... and I'm really struggling with trying to determine if I'm just being selfish by our doing that or if it's the right decision for our family. My husband is - I don't know how to put it other than adamant that he knows that I want to do everything in our power to be able to have our rainbow. And he knows that continuing to try the way we have.... I just don't know how much more I can take of more losses. I'm frankly even scared to take myself off the bench now.... that fear of having another loss is getting really, really close to outweighing my desire to try again.

But I feel like at least if we try this - well then I can go forward knowing we really did try everything in our power. Everything our resources could possibly allow us to try.

I still have some thinking and weighing to do - I'm still just scared to pieces about all of the possible outcomes - about losing all that money and not having a successful outcome - and then what if something comes up later where we have absolutely nothing to fall back on? It's just all very scary.... but every option is scary. So I think we're going to try to make it happen even though I feel all these things and doubts and worries.

Next step is to figure out exactly how much penalty my 401k is going to take and get moving on getting enrolled in the other health insurance plan.

Thanks so, so much for thinking of me ladies and being such a great support to me. You are all so dear to my heart and mean so much to me.

jbasore1123 · December 2013

@Anitaflora- Congrats on nearly making the decision to move onto IVF. I completely get how you're feeling. It's terrifying to go down that road without a guarantee that it will even work. If you did do testing, is he wanting to test on day 3 or 5? IT makes a big difference on the embryos! My RE only does day 5. With day 3 testing, you have a much higher chance of disrupting the natural development and you can lose some embryos that way. Our genetics lab does 24-hour turn around testing, so we have done (and will do again) day 5 testing and transfer on day 6. I am glad we did testing because our 3 top grade embryos (seriously, perfect grade) were all unhealthy. Had we not tested, we would have transferred 1 or 2 of them. I've also talked to people that have done testing and the ones that weren't the best grade turned out to be the healthy ones (and led to sustained pregnancy) and they wouldn't have known to transfer those. If you're AMA or think unbalanced chromosomes (which is the reason for the majority of losses) could be a cause for you, then it's worth the money, IMO.

And thanks for asking, my appointment went well. Two tiny cysts on my right ovary, but they said they were nothing to worry about. I am officially cleared to move forward.

anitaflora · December 2013

jbasore1123 said:

@Anitaflora- Congrats on nearly making the decision to move onto IVF. I completely get how you're feeling. It's terrifying to go down that road without a guarantee that it will even work. If you did do testing, is he wanting to test on day 3 or 5? IT makes a big difference on the embryos! My RE only does day 5. With day 3 testing, you have a much higher chance of disrupting the natural development and you can lose some embryos that way. Our genetics lab does 24-hour turn around testing, so we have done (and will do again) day 5 testing and transfer on day 6. I am glad we did testing because our 3 top grade embryos (seriously, perfect grade) were all unhealthy. Had we not tested, we would have transferred 1 or 2 of them. I've also talked to people that have done testing and the ones that weren't the best grade turned out to be the healthy ones (and led to sustained pregnancy) and they wouldn't have known to transfer those. If you're AMA or think unbalanced chromosomes (which is the reason for the majority of losses) could be a cause for you, then it's worth the money, IMO.

And thanks for asking, my appointment went well. Two tiny cysts on my right ovary, but they said they were nothing to worry about. I am officially cleared to move forward.

Thanks so much - I can't tell you how much your insight means to me on this. I'm so glad that you are cleared for moving ahead!!

Yes, I asked about when they do biopsy and he said they could definitely do it on day five and that they've been doing that for a long time (I thought it was new I guess). But his thought is that we should just go ahead the first cycle without it because with having older eggs it's less likely that that many are going to make it to day 5. And I guess even though it's a much, much less risk of damage with testing on day 5, I guess he still is considering it a greater risk than just going ahead with transferring two or three without the testing for the first time we try.

I'm not sure what I think. If we hopefully get to that point I might push for testing from the get go. Or ideally...

My hope is that maybe we'll get a whole lot more than he thinks and maybe we will end up with enough to test on day 5... hahaha that's probably a really stupid unrealistic hope. Oh well.... I'm trying to focus on deep breaths and one thing at a time.

Thanks again love

jap618 · December 2013

I've been a horrible bumpie lately. I've been lurking but mostly from work (oops) and it's having "java script" issues and/or mobile and I hate posting while mobile. So here I am, sipping coffee in front of the Christmas tree & thought I'd update & check in with you ladies!

The holidays suck. I had one of my mom's friends attack me about "what are my goals for 2014? No grandbabies?!" I wanted to throat punch her. I have cut back on those attacks dramatically by letting certain people know about my losses but it still isn't public knowledge. I'm struggling with the fact that no matter what I'm going to get to my 2 year anniversary of TTC with no baby. My only option is to have my FX that my hysteroscopy goes well and I get cleared to start trying again and that we conceive quickly. This all just sucks. There have been a lot of grads lately and while I'm so incredibly happy for them I'm feeling less and less connected to the main board. I'm struggling with feeling left behind by grads; which is 100% on me and not them. I know they don't want to hurt me with pregnancy talk it just sucks to not be there with them

It's part of my pity party for 1.

My OB is amazing. She called me about a week ago after I met with the RE to check in. We spent about 10 minutes on the phone just talking about how that appointment went and how I am doing emotionally. I just love her. I'm so thankful to have found such a caring, compassionate and professional practice.

I'm taking a vacation from work from Christmas to New Years and in the middle of that there is a GTG with some lovely ladies around the Boston area

I'm excited to have time at home to clean & relax! I hope everyone has an amazing, relaxing holiday season

((hugs)) ladies!

jap618 · December 2013

@sammer818 thank you for running this!!! YAY for the clearance

I hope you got some time off to catch up, I hate the feeling of disorganization!

@anitaflora how did your appointment go?! ((hugs)) I just read your update!!! Holy hand grenades that's a lot to process. I'm glad you guys have a plan moving forward (with your doctor) and I hope you & DH can come to the personal decisions (finances, insurance, trying) easily.

@luciddreamer106 I hope your foot is feeling better!! ((hugs)) I hope your kind to yourself this holiday season. Anniversary and loss dates and all of this sucks. It's hard enough to do without other's pregnancies in our faces.

@jalara48 YAY for the visas coming through!!!! I'm sorry this holiday season sucks so bad

((hugs))

@jenkellen ((hugs)) lady

Take care of yourself today. I'm glad you got some time with DH this month!

@buggirl72 ((hugs)) Making the decision to move from TTC to adoption has to be so difficult. I hope that YH benefits make it financially doable. Good luck with work & studying!!

@jbasore1123 ((hugs)) on the loss anniversary. Take care of yourself this season. January will be here before you know it & FX for healthy embryos!

@hawkward ((hugs)) lady

@snedge ((hugs)) I hope your follow up went well & I'm glad the break is going well for you! We miss you

Update when you can!

@EKGibs ((hugs)) Anniversary & Loss dates suck. I hope you take care of yourself!

@rachelhudson That sucks about skin irritations & rashes! I can only imagine how uncomfortable and frustrating that must be! I hope you can easily figure out what is causing it & eliminate it.

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