S12 help!

Pokedot · December 2013

My mom watches DS during the week for us. She is supposed to be at my house Monday, Tuesday, Thursday from 8:10-4:45ish. I get done with work so usually I'm home about 4:40pm. We pay her for her to watch him. I have to work at 8:30am. She's been coming to my house at 8:20 every single day for at least 2 months and I casually mention that she needs to come earlier. Today I finally had it and told her she needed to start coming earlier. Especially with DS getting up earlier lately. I realize I'm spoiled in the fact that my DC comes to me 3x a week and it's my mom but my job is my job. I need to be there. She mad the comment "What do you expect me to be here from 8-5 every day? That's a long day, I can't do that long." I never said that and I'm home at freaking 4:40 everyday! So what do I do? What do I say? I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her think she's not appreciated because she is. This is why I was hesitant to have her watch him. She volunteered by the way. HELP!

MarisaKathleen · December 2013

I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but you realize 440 is pretty close to 5pm right? ;-)

I would just let her know that you start work at 830 and that it's too hard for you to be on time if she keeps arriving at 820. Just let her know that if 8-5 is too long of a day for her, then you're ok with finding someone else.

noloveintennis · December 2013

Mom, or not, this is your daycare. She either needs to be dependable and on time, or not watch him. If she's getting paid, it's a job for her too. If 8-5 is too long a day, the she needs to say something, and you make other arrangements. It will be a hard conversation, but I would give her an out, gently tell her that your being to work on time is important, and if she thinks the time is too much for her you are willing to make other arrangements for care, so she isn't being "put out" by the long days. (Hope my ram boings made sense, lol)

ETA: ram boings, lol. Ramblings

BeebopandBuddy · December 2013

noloveintennis said:

Mom, or not, this is your daycare. She either needs to be dependable and on time, or not watch him. If she's getting paid, it's a job for her too. If 8-5 is too long a day, the she needs to say something, and you make other arrangements. It will be a hard conversation, but I would give her an out, gently tell her that your being to work on time is important, and if she thinks the time is too much for her you are willing to make other arrangements for care, so she isn't being "put out" by the long days. (Hope my ram boings made sense, lol)

I agree with this completely.

Pokedot · December 2013

MarisaKathleen said:

I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but you realize 440 is pretty close to 5pm right? ;-)

I would just let her know that you start work at 830 and that it's too hard for you to be on time if she keeps arriving at 820. Just let her know that if 8-5 is too long of a day for her, then you're ok with finding someone else.

Haha yes I realize that but she made it seem like I'm home after 5 each night. I couldn't even tell you the last time I didn't come right home after work.

MarisaKathleen · December 2013

It's tough...I wouldn't want anyone in my family watching N day in and day out like that for situations exactly like you described. I worry too much about hurting the feelings of people in my family, and the conversation you're going to have to have with your Mom falls into that category. Hopefully everything will work out fine...would she be open to watching him 3 days a week and you could find someone else for the other 2?

Pokedot · December 2013

noloveintennis said:

Mom, or not, this is your daycare. She either needs to be dependable and on time, or not watch him. If she's getting paid, it's a job for her too. If 8-5 is too long a day, the she needs to say something, and you make other arrangements. It will be a hard conversation, but I would give her an out, gently tell her that your being to work on time is important, and if she thinks the time is too much for her you are willing to make other arrangements for care, so she isn't being "put out" by the long days. (Hope my ram boings made sense, lol)

This is what I need to get across to her. I think it's because she's my mom she can sort of "make the rules." While I get that to a certain point I know she has to realize that it's not working. I'm rushing out the door as soon as she gets there. Trying to say goodbye to DS, make sure everything is set, etc. She mad the comment also that "other people have to do it all the time" meaning get their kids ready and out the door. I do that 2x a week. I'm at her house no later than 8:05am. Most of the time I'm waiting for her to get to my house. This is not a conversation I want to have that's for sure.

noloveintennis · December 2013

Pokedot said:

noloveintennis said:

Mom, or not, this is your daycare. She either needs to be dependable and on time, or not watch him. If she's getting paid, it's a job for her too. If 8-5 is too long a day, the she needs to say something, and you make other arrangements. It will be a hard conversation, but I would give her an out, gently tell her that your being to work on time is important, and if she thinks the time is too much for her you are willing to make other arrangements for care, so she isn't being "put out" by the long days. (Hope my ram boings made sense, lol)

This is what I need to get across to her. I think it's because she's my mom she can sort of "make the rules." While I get that to a certain point I know she has to realize that it's not working. I'm rushing out the door as soon as she gets there. Trying to say goodbye to DS, make sure everything is set, etc. She mad the comment also that "other people have to do it all the time" meaning get their kids ready and out the door. I do that 2x a week. I'm at her house no later than 8:05am. Most of the time I'm waiting for her to get to my house. This is not a conversation I want to have that's for sure.

do you think she'd prefer to be at her house full time instead? Maybe getting there later and later is a passive aggressive way to get you to go there every day... Just a thought. Good luck, I wouldn't want to have the conversation either.

hmp1 · December 2013

It sounds like she needs a break. Your job has to be the priority and if she doesn't see that, time to move on. I would start looking around for an alternative daycare solution. Let her know when you found one that you like that you are ready to put him in daycare so he can play with other kids and have someone that can be able to watch him from 8-5 daily. Ask if she will continue to be your back up caregiver. The reason I would hold off on mentioning alternate care to her is that if she says that she agrees, it might take a little time to get into a daycare.

I would also have a conversation with her right away, not at 8:20, about the importance of the time commitment. You have to be at work by 8:30. If dropping off B at her house on the way to work would be better, make that an option.

melody921 · December 2013

You're paying her, so this is not grandma doing you a favor. She's your childcare, and childcare needs to be reliable. I would tell her that you need her there from 8-5 (bc 4:40 is practically 5) and that if she can't manage that, you will make alternate arrangements.

MommaP12 · December 2013

You are paying her. That's pretty key. You set the hours and you're paying her. Now, she's shifted the hours but you're paying her the same so she is not holding up to her end of the bargain. If it were free, that'd be way different.

I would put it on your work maybe. Say your boss mentioned you really need to be there at 8:30 so can she please arrive about 8:10 (or whatever time you need) and note you are always home before 5. Offer to add $25 on to get her to do this if she really puts up a fight?

Kissty · December 2013

Had a similar issue with DH grandmother who is watching DS. She was really pushing us to find someone else. She puts in very long hours with DS 4 days a week. 7 am til 5:30 - 6:00. I get that it can be difficult. She said she was sick and wouldn't be able to watch him for 2 weeks while she was sick. We found alternate care and before the week was up she was going crazy being away from him. She is still watching him 4 days a week and has never again asked that we take him somewhere else.

My point is that she may need a break or feel that (even though you pay her) it is a big responsibility and it puts pressure on her. You have to have a talk with her no matter how hard it is and you need to find back up care. Once you have back up care the issue may be fixed. She'll realize she needs LO more than SHE thinks.

mamaHippo23 · December 2013

I like the sympathetic approach that Mirask mentioned. I agree that it's a serious concern and I think she would probably hear you better if you validate her feelings and also give her the illusion of control. By saying- "Mom, I know you are working very hard to give him such wonderful care all day, and I would totally understand if you want to adjust your hours. We can always make different arrangements." - You are giving her the option of deciding a different schedule, but still making it clear that if she does not do the job then you'll find someone else who will.

Pokedot · December 2013

Thanks ladies. It all makes sense and I KNOW I need to do it. It's so hard when it's family and this was the main reason I was hesitant to have her watch him. She was the one who offered and basically wouldn't take no for an answer. Wish me luck!

Pokedot · December 2013

Kissty said:

Had a similar issue with DH grandmother who is watching DS. She was really pushing us to find someone else. She puts in very long hours with DS 4 days a week. 7 am til 5:30 - 6:00. I get that it can be difficult. She said she was sick and wouldn't be able to watch him for 2 weeks while she was sick. We found alternate care and before the week was up she was going crazy being away from him. She is still watching him 4 days a week and has never again asked that we take him somewhere else.

My point is that she may need a break or feel that (even though you pay her) it is a big responsibility and it puts pressure on her. You have to have a talk with her no matter how hard it is and you need to find back up care. Once you have back up care the issue may be fixed. She'll realize she needs LO more than SHE thinks.

We have alternative care if we need it. The arrangement was that if my dad took vacation and she wanted to be off too, I would take my vacation or we would use our backup daycare. We had to use it for a couple of weeks in September/October. It worked out fine but she was going crazy not seeing him.

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