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Why is it always a contest? *venting*

agibbyagibby member
edited December 2013 in Blended Families
Every time DH and I take the kids out for family things, BM takes SS to do the same activity the next week. Now, that's fine, because we can't control what goes on in her household, but then she says things to SS to make it seem like a contest. For example, we took the kids (SS included) to see a really cool light display with DH's sister and her family. Had a great time and want to make it a Christmas tradition. SS goes back to BM (they have 50/50 week on week off) and when we next talked to him, SS says "My mom is taking me to see lights too, and she said they are a lot cooler than the ones you took me to". UGH, why? Why say those things to your child?
DH just said "I'm sure there are going to be cool things about that light show just like there were different cool things about the light show we went to. You will have just as much fun there too".
This has happened with the apple orchard, pumpkin patch, Science Museum, Zoo and I'm sure there are so many more but I can't think of them right now. Except with the apple orchard we mentioned it to SS on the phone that next time he was with us, we would be going to pick apples,  and she went right out the next day and took SS. lol. 
I know, there's nothing much we can do about her jealousy issues, but it just irks me. It's so childish.
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Re: Why is it always a contest? *venting*

  • CurlieWhirlieCurlieWhirlie member
    No advice, just solidarity. We took the kids to an amusement park over the summer, planned way in advance and let BM know because we'd be staying out of town for a few days. As soon as she found out, she took them on a last-minute trip *that weekend* to the *same amusement park*. So when we took them they were more like "eh, we were just here a couple of weeks ago....". It's SUPER childish, but you just have to laugh or you'll cry, right?
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  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member
    If that is your biggest problem you are doing great.  Count yourself lucky.  Other than that I would just try to not worry about it.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    edited December 2013
    You have my sympathies. DD is only 3 but i see XH and GF one upping me a lot. It bugged me but now I am just happy she wears cute clothes, her hair is pretty, she does all these fun things, and had nice toys...when she turns 16.... Maybe XH will one up me when its time to buy her a car.

    Try to find the silver lining.

    And i would not define that as jealousy. Its clearly insecurity and feeling inferior as a parent.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • twister22twister22 member
    I am sorry, that is ridiculously frustrating. BD and I try to coordinate and do separate but fun things for DS (i.e. last year he did the pumpkin patch & I did a hayride.)
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  • ldmessingldmessing member
    how old is the child?  the "cooler" comment may actually have come from him not the bm.  kids love to try to play one parent against the other
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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    I will never forget the time I took SS grocery shopping with me and he screamed and whined for a pair of handcuffs in the check out line. I told him no and the next weekend when Bm picked him up he said the first thing they did was go to the grocery to buy those hand cuffs. LOL.

    I would just assume they're jealous or intimidated by you and wouldn't give it a second thought
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • SueBearSueBear member

    Don't give BM a heads up about your plans, for starters!  Let her be the second one to do things.

    You know, it just shows how little imagination she has.  Really - taking your kid to a pumpkin patch (or light show, or whatever) is not that hard.  The effort into thinking of cool activities, planning a schedule (especially hard sometimes for a blended family), and making plans is at least 1/3 of the work.  Copying someone else's cool idea - not as much!  You'd think she could pick out another equally awesome activity, but she couldn't be bothered. 

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  • fellesferiefellesferie member
    I get one-up'd a lot. I hate it, and it makes me feel like crap. 

    Is there a CP or do you guys split time evenly? I ask because as a CP, I have some issues with the way that XH always just has fun with DS. When DS is with XH, it's ALL amusement parks, fireworks, bonfires, staying up until 2am, etc. 

    When DS got back from Thanksgiving I asked what his favorite thing was, and he said staying up until 2am. When I asked what his least favorite thing was, he said coming home. 

    So.. yeah. It makes me feel terrible. I don't engage in the contest (I don't feel like I could even if I wanted to), but I see why some people do. 
    my read shelf:
    Erin's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    fellesferie said:

    I get one-up'd a lot. I hate it, and it makes me feel like crap. 


    Is there a CP or do you guys split time evenly? I ask because as a CP, I have some issues with the way that XH always just has fun with DS. When DS is with XH, it's ALL amusement parks, fireworks, bonfires, staying up until 2am, etc. 

    When DS got back from Thanksgiving I asked what his favorite thing was, and he said staying up until 2am. When I asked what his least favorite thing was, he said coming home. 

    So.. yeah. It makes me feel terrible. I don't engage in the contest (I don't feel like I could even if I wanted to), but I see why some people do. 
    That really sucks, Felles. That would hurt big time.
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  • agibbyagibby member
    fellesferie said:
    I get one-up'd a lot. I hate it, and it makes me feel like crap. 

    Is there a CP or do you guys split time evenly? I ask because as a CP, I have some issues with the way that XH always just has fun with DS. When DS is with XH, it's ALL amusement parks, fireworks, bonfires, staying up until 2am, etc. 

    When DS got back from Thanksgiving I asked what his favorite thing was, and he said staying up until 2am. When I asked what his least favorite thing was, he said coming home. 

    So.. yeah. It makes me feel terrible. I don't engage in the contest (I don't feel like I could even if I wanted to), but I see why some people do. 
    That really stinks fellesferie :(

    They have joint legal and physical so switch week to week. This weekend I heard SS talking to our other kids about how his mom said their property is better than ours because they have more land. sigh. That led to a discussion about how no one is better than another because of things they own, that there are good things about here and there, and how the most important thing is family, not material possessions. As long as you are happy and loved and taken care of, then the size of your house/land is really not important. SS  just turned 6 and was not talking about these things as a way of bragging, but as a way of relaying info. He really isn't into the competition thing and besides repeating what BM says to him, never acts this way otherwise, so we know it's coming from her. DH is going to have a conversation with BM this week about what it's doing to SS, how she's putting him in the middle to feel like he has to choose sides. I'm sure she'll deny it as usual but it's always worth bringing it up in hopes that she will reign it in. It's starting to feel like PA lately, as everything Dh does with SS she tried one-up or downplay. For example,SS got a hermit crab for his bday and as he was telling BM, the first thing out of her mouth was "Oh, you need to make sure you wash your hands if you touch it, you could get really sick". Nice. Making his gift that he was excited about seem like something harmful. Hermit crabs don't transfer diseases to humans much like reptiles but we do have the kids practice hand washing anyway. 
    Off my venting now! It really does no good..
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