Updated - Sleep deprived mom...

Mayzie15 · December 2013

I'm hoping someone can give me some advice. Being a new mom it's so frustrating to hear from others that at 4 months their child is sleeping through the night and that their children have been doing this for a long time. My son is 4 months today and as we go his sleeping is getting worse and worse. He started in a basinet and then slept in a rock n play and now we are transitioning him into his crib. We have a consistent bed time but it takes at least 2 hours for him to fall asleep and he doesn't sleep during the day today he slept a total of 45 minutes so I know he has to be tired. I've tried half-heartedly to do the cry it out method and most advocates of this say to let him cry it out but he should fall asleep within 10-15 minutes - this has never happened for us and I feel so guilty for letting him cry - he has cried for about 35 minutes straight - I've checked him on the monitor, tried to go in and soothe him and nothing works and then I feel like an awful parent. We have tried to rock him to sleep and shush him when he hits the crib - that's not working either - he is still so restless and wakes himself up and then I rock him again - last night he was up four times within one hour. I understand that he is a baby and if was getting me up every couple of hours I would be incredibly grateful at this point - I should note he is changed and fed when I check on him - he just wants to me hold him and will go right back to sleep if I rock him but once again if I put him in the crib he screams. I have white noise going in the room but that doesn't seem to help at all - MH works so it's all me and I will be going back to work in less than a month and I'm beginning to panic - please share what has worked for you..TIA

Update - I can't thank you ladies enough for giving me the suggestions below - I'm frantically reading the Ferber book and I'm about half way there. Last night was our worst night yet - he slept 45 minutes during the day and didn't go down until 3:00 AM I was so tired and frustrated so it was nice to come back to the board after feeling like the worst mom ever to hear that I'm not alone - it meant a lot to me. We will be starting the Ferber method this weekend once I have finished the book. My LO is extremely stubborn so I can only imagine what we are in for but as many of you stated I need to pick a method and stick to it. I will keep you all updated and Phishgirl - I will be thinking about you too this weekend - good luck and I hope we both get through this with our sanity in tact

pb_bride · December 2013

{{{ BIG HUGS }}}

What you describing is exactly the same way M was, right around when he was 3.5-4 months old. (we can curse that "4 month wakeful".) It was AWFUL. Bedtime was hit-or-miss; some nights it took 30 minutes, other nights it was a 2-hour ordeal just to get him to sleep. Naps were a nightmare as it took 30-45 minutes to rock him to sleep, and he only stayed asleep for 20 minutes. I was getting so anxious because I never knew how long it would take to get him to fall asleep, and how long he would sleep for. Both M and I were miserable all day long and we cried a lot.

I couldn't take it anymore so I did sleep training (Ferber) at 4 months. It worked but it took a while, probably because M was a bit young to be sleep-trained. I wish I could wait until he was a bit older, but I honestly was losing it, and sleep training was my only option. (M was one of those babies that would wake up whenever he was moved. So if he were asleep in the car, just moving the car seat out of the car would wake him up. Or if he fell asleep nursing, he would wake up as soon as I unlatch him.)

Anyway, my suggestion is to get a sleep training book and read it first, before you try sleep training again. i really like Ferber's book. The key to sleep training is consistency. If you give in, then you are back to square one. Also, it definitely takes much longer than 10-15 minutes of crying when you start out with sleep training. It's not unusual for babies to cry 30-45 minutes (or longer) on the first few nights of sleep training.

As I said, sleep training worked for us, and by the time he was 5 months, he was going down for bedtime and naps much easier. He was only waking 1-2x/night then, and I decided to night-wean him at 5 months. He has been pretty much STTN since then (except for illness, teething, separation anxiety etc).

Your other option would be co-sleeping/bed-sharing. I did not want to do that so it was sleep-training for us.

TJ1979 · December 2013

Everything @pb_bride said is excellent advice. I definitely second Ferber's book. There is another option. It's sort of cheating, but might delay the inevitable sleep training for a bit.
Merlin's magic sleep suit. It seems so silly, but I swear it works. E was sick from 5 months to 9 months with bronchitis so we couldn't sleep train. We used the sleep suit until I was ready to sleep train at 10 months. I swear, it's a miracle.
GL. And all those moms who tell you their babies STTN at 4 months can kiss my butt! Some babies might, bug I wouldn't say you Should expect it. Big hugs, sleep issues are SO hard. Hang in there.

Mrs.AmyDylan · December 2013

We co-sleep and bed share. Not sure if you are nursing, but I noticed a huge dip in J's nursing during the day at 4 mo because she was so distracted. So she caught up on her nursing at night. Btw, sttn is not normal at 4mo.

I personally couldnt do CIO. There are other ways to sleep train if you can't handle crying. Either way, get a book so you have a plan.

Good luck d big hugs!

Dragonfly1226 · December 2013

I am so sorry hon. I can totally sympathize. Sleep deprivation is truly torture.

My son was an awful sleeper. He would not put himself to sleep. We had to rock him. It go tot the pict where we were up all night holding him. We Ferbered, and he definitely cried for over an hour the first night then he woke up in the middle of the night and cried again. It was horrible. When we did Ferber it was only for nighttime sleep. We tried naps too but he was literally crying so much and missing naps so when bedtime got better we went back to rocking him to sleep and then putting him in the crib for naps. When he dropped down to one nap a day is when he finally went to sleep on his own for naps. That was around 14 or 15 months. Now at almost 3 years he is a awesome sleeper.

K&A were the awesome sleepers that I used to be jealous if, but recently K has started waking up a lot at night. I am having flash backs to when DS was a baby, but at least now I know we can turn things around eventually.

The most important thing you need is consistency. You have to have a consistent routine and stick to it. I don't mean a bedtime routine. I mean what are you going to do when LO wakes up or cries? It has to be the same response every time. That might mean you go to L and try to sooth him or it might mean letting him cry. It might be Ferber's delayed check ins. Whatever you decide, be consistent. GL hon!

Ruthie04 · December 2013

I'm so sorry. I hate how so many women seem to make their LO's sleep habits out to be some sort of measure of good parenting. All babies are different. I think it's great that you are investing so much time into helping LO sleep and asking for support. That's the mark of a good mother- not a baby who sleeps through the night!

FWIW, we had one awesome sleeper and one with issues. We had to wake every 3-4 hours until 4mos due to low birth weight, but when we stopped, DS1 just slept. He had a nap regression at 10 mos due to his top 2 teeth and hasn't completely recovered, but it's not horrific. DS2 STTN from 4-6 months and then the sleep hell began. I was still nursing, but I'd be up all night with him. He only wanted me. It was awful. At one, he just started sleeping again. It was like a switch turned on the week of his bday. CIO wasn't for us, so I don't have any sleep training advice. But, I do believe in the power of routine and consistency.

Many hugs!!

ccam · December 2013

I feel your pain!! DS got really bad with his nighttime sleep right around the same age. We ferbered at 4.5 months. Like the PPs said, I would recommend getting the book and be consistent. Pick a long weekend that you and SO agree on and go for it! The first night, DS cried for over an hour, not consistent crying but he didn't fall asleep on his own for an hour. But after that, it only improved. And along with his nighttime sleep, his naps fell into place because he was learning to soothe himself. He is an awesome sleeper now!

Mnerani · December 2013

I hope it makes things a tiny bit better to hear that this is TOTALLY normal. I hate one-size-fits-all parenting advice, such as "all babies SHOULD be STTN at X months."

DS wasn't ready for sleep training until 8.5 months. When I say "not ready" I mean that he didn't respond well or easily when we tried it at 6 months or 7 months, and that was my personal litmus test for "ready." I didn't want long, terrible nights of crying, so I wasn't willing to keep going with it at 6 and 7 months. But at 8.5 he responded in about 3 nights of crying for less than an hour in the MOTN.

Most people say that CIO is only useful after 6 months, and before that, they don't really understand what's going on or respond well. I think most people wait until at least 6 months.

Anyway, you'll figure out what works for you and LO and this phase will pass. Incredibly, after just a few months of DS STTN, I can barely remember what it was like to be so tired that I wanted to die. It will be the same for you, and until then...I'm sorry for what you are going through!

Robeano · December 2013

Yes, sleeping is such a hard issue for so many babies. We also did a form of CIO. But only b/c at 7 months Hannah wasn't sleeping, which meant I wasn't sleeping. And for us, I NEED my sleep. I do not function well without sleep. But the first night she cried for an hour. And we've had to train her a few times, we go on vacation it ruins her habits, she's teething etc etc. But it's totally worth it in the long run b/c she sleeps now, which means hubby and I can sleep as well. Good luck, it's a hard road to travel but it does get better!

laura1 · December 2013

Your little guy sounds a lot like my DS. He was a TERRIBLE sleeper. He would nap for only 30 minutes at a time (at most), and would take 1-2 hours to go to sleep (crying even while I was holding and rocking him - probably because he was so overtired). At 4 months, I tried the Baby Whisperer's Pick up-put down method. It did work in that I didn't have to rock him to sleep any longer, but he still didn't sleep any longer and he still needed to be swaddled to sleep at all. And the method was VERY painful for me physically. You have to pick them up when they cry, then when they stop or after 2 minutes (whichever comes first) you put them down. When they start crying again you pick them up, and repeat. It took almost 2 HOURS of him doing this at bed time then once over night the first night and the next day my back was killing!!!

Finally at 6 months we did Ferber. It was so hard listening to him cry, and it took 1.5 hours of crying for the first 2 nights (both at bed time and in the middle of the night), before we saw some results. The third night it was 10 minutes, then 5 minutes the fourth night, then no crying after that. He definitely still had regressions, especially with teething, but at least he wasn't as bad.

Then I had my DD#1 and she was a dream sleeper. Lay her down and she went to sleep. STTN at 9 weeks. I thought I had done a better job with her, getting her to sleep on her own, and was patting myself on the back for learning the lessons I had learned with DS because clearly it was my parenting that was making DD#1 a good sleeper...Then I had DD#2. And she is making me relive all my issues with DS! So I am a firm believer that all kids are different, and their sleep habits have NOTHING to do with you! DD#2 still isn't consistently STTN, and often ends up in bed with me. CIO is hard to do with her since we don't want to wake up the other 2 kids (because what is worse than one awake kid in the middle of the night? 3 awake kids!).

So hang in there - it is so hard, but know you are not alone and it is nothing you did or didn't do. He is just a tough cookie!

mcgeeva · December 2013

DS nevvvvvvvvvvvver slepted through the night till truly 11 months. He got up at either 3 or 5 to eat then back to bed. So don't let that make you feel bad. Every baby is different. I started sleep training at 4 months, ferber method worked for us. Hang in there it will get better. Just stick to a routine. I never did the rock to sleep and stopped doing the comfort check in because it made matters worse for us. Good luck!

kaf7 · December 2013

@pb_bride's advice could have been written by me. Advice our pedi gave us was for the first night if Ferber that your baby might cry for 2h the first night or 6h the first night or all night long and any of those was ok. It's just super hard on you and you will feel like the worst parent in the world while you are doing it but the payoff is great if you can stick to the plan and speaking from experience of being where you are at you need to do something! Big hugs!

phishgirl29 · December 2013

I'm the 6 month version of what you're going through. He STTN all of hid 2nd and 3rd month, but it's been hell ever since (which is funny because his regression started the night he was baptized). The only place my LO will sleep for longer than 2 hours is in the RnP. We are trying to transition into crib and the crying kills me. Right now I'm sleeping in a couch in his room while he's in the RnP because I always give up. DH is off next week so we plan to do some form of Ferber together then. GL and keep us posted!

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