Question for the pgals (possible loss mentioned)

dmizak · December 2013

I just posted the other day about how excited I was for my sister who JUST found out she was pregnant and due in Aug.

She started texting me yesterday and she's bleeding a lot, and passing clots. She went to the Dr and they took blood to check her HGC levels and she will go back tomorrow for a follow up.

She is obviously devastated and I'm struggling to find the right thing to say. I've told her not all is lost, to wait for the results, I've tried reassuring her she did nothing wrong. I just wish I could find the right thing to say even though I know nothing will really help. I just want to make sure she doesn't feel like I am avoiding the situation or not validating her feelings.

Is there anything I can say that will help at all?

Thanks for reading.

SarainColorado2013 · December 2013

Just listen. That is the best thing you can do.

BarooGirl · December 2013

The best thing I heard was my friend that said "this f-ing sucks, isn't fair, and I'm sorry" along with a big hug.

I hated all the sayings that tried to make me feel better: God's plan (even though I'm Christian), drill have time, know you can get pg, something must have been wrong... grrr, those hurt.

flerlgirl · December 2013

I am not a pgal, but in this situation I think all you can do is be there for her. Only time will make this hurt a little less for her and in the meantime I think just making yourself available to talk if she wants or hang out or whatever she needs is the best thing you can do for her.

Very sorry for her loss.

BarooGirl · December 2013

But really just letting her know you are thinking of her and you're sorry will help.

bumpuser9343355 · December 2013

The best thing people did for me was to let me talk about it in my own time. I wouldn't bring it up or ask about it until she does, and when she's ready to talk, just be there and listen.

alicatand · December 2013

Everyone else has said it all - there are really no words to make it better or make this less scary. Being told to be positive, that things always happen for a reason, it sucks to hear that!!! (Not that that's what you'd say - just saying!!!)

Just listening, and echoing how unfair and how awful it is is all you can do. I do hope everything turns out all right for her!!! And happy she has someone as sensitive as you on her side to support her!

Read247 · December 2013

BeesTimesThree said:

The best thing people did for me was to let me talk about it in my own time. I wouldn't bring it up or ask about it until she does, and when she's ready to talk, just be there and listen.

^this

amwangel · December 2013

dmizak said:

I just want to make sure she doesn't feel like I am avoiding the situation or not validating her feelings.

That is enough. I hated when people were afraid of my pain. But I didn't want to TALK about it, I just wanted to text or email or communicate without having to talk.

To be honest, though, you are pregnant and she might not be. It was harder for to talk to pregnant women or women who haven't been there when you're in the thick of it. (I had 2 miscarriages this year.) So sending a nice card saying that you are there for her, texting her, and just letting her know you love her while knowing that she might need some space from you.

It's true - there's nothing YOU can say. It does suck. So very much.

KingLED · December 2013

Listen when she wants to talk and tell her it sucks and you're there for her whenever. Other than that, take her out for a huge fucking bowl of ice cream at a bar or late at night when the risk of seeing other kids is slim. Or get it to go and sit in a car so she can cry while she eats it. <---- My preferred method of eating ice cream.

AndreaC428 · December 2013

My best friend sent a lot of "I love you/I'm thinking about you" texts after our MC... She knew I couldn't talk about it yet, but asked that I let her know when I wanted to. When I DID decide I wanted to talk, she took me to get ice cream and we cried in the car together. I really appreciated her support.

1982Babies · December 2013

Definitely let her talk about it when she's ready, and leave her be about it. Be supportive otherwise. If you're close by, bring her some chocolate or other snackages. If it is truly a loss, a heating pad and Tylenol would be fabulous. I'm sorry.

lest12 · December 2013

Great advice from these ladies.

Lerting her know your there for her, and keeping that door open. My MC took me a while to process. My sister and mom were great because they never let me feel uncomfortable talking about it - even months or years later. I can't say what that meant to me.

I'm sorry for this news

sending thoughts and prayers her way.

SarainColorado2013 · December 2013

Echoing what PP said, if she does lose the pregnancy, be prepared that she might need some space from you for a while since you're pregnant. A good friend of mine was KU too when I had my loss in July, and it was really hard to be in touch with her for a few months. I'd definitely recommend avoiding pregnancy updates/complaints for a while too...(sounds obvious but my friend didn't...and I could not muster much sympathy)

But honestly just the fact that you asked this question, I think you'll be super supportive for your sister whatever happens.

ricecakes1216 · December 2013

My mom pressured me into telling my siblings that we had a loss. My brother and one of my sisters were really hurtful. Brother said that it was probably for the best and my sister told me it could be worse and I was young so I still had time. I never expected reactions like that. Even typing this makes me a bit emotional. My other sister, however, was wonderful. She wrapped me up told me how shitty it was and cried with me. I love her even more for that. That was exactly what I needed. I always knew that she was there if I needed to talk to her, but never asked.

So, my advice. Tell her you love her so much and you hate that she is going through this. Tell her this situation is shit. Like a PP said, take her some icecream and let her cry. I am so sorry that she is going through this.

dmizak · December 2013

Thank you, thank you, thank you. All very great advice. Also, I am so sorry to all of you who have suffered a loss. I can't even imagine.

StinaLeigh · December 2013

You've already got great advice here, I agree that she might need space. I remember wanting to communicate about it so I didn't feel alone, but that actual talking was really hard. So just be around for her, and listen to what she needs. My friends all went in on flowers, starbucks gift cards and a massage gift card and dropped them at my front door. I really loved that. They didn't ring the bell or expect to talk (I was a mess and wouldn't have answered the door) But they just kind of knew how to care for me and make sure I knew they were thinking of me with a little distance. Also, after some time it's ok to ask her how she's doing. You don't necessarily have to bring up the mc specifically, but I was really hurt by some friends who acted like nothing had happened. And I didn't want to inconvenience them by initiating conversation about it. Such a tough situation

I'm really sorry she's going through this scare and hope and pray all turns out OK.

FeliciaTwo · December 2013

My first pregnancy was a miscarriage (14 months ago), and I want to say: it's important not to *only* be sensitive now. It's important to be sensitive later too. I have a friend who I was pregnant at the same time with; she didn't miscarry. She was OK through her pregnancy (we could talk about her pregnancy AND other things) but afterwards the only thing she can talk about is her baby. It's been very painful for me, and after giving her a few chances to talk about something else I started avoiding her. Remember that the pain of miscarriage isn't temporary, you always carry it.

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Question for the pgals (possible loss mentioned)

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