How do you know when/if you're ready?

Cole&Kailee · December 2013

Hi Bumpers,

I haven't posted in a long while, but thought I'd give it a shot. DH and I have been married for a year and a half now. Bought a new house and got a new job...and you guessed it--baby on the brain! I know it's still early on in our marriage, but we've been really talking about the concept of being parents in the near future. We both are excited and want children, but everyone tells us "you're so young yet" or "you'll know when you're ready" or "you have to be ready financially before you have kids". Well, what IS ready? Ready means something to so many people. 15-year olds have babies and they're not "ready", but they do it and some are GREAT mothers. If everyone waited until they were all truly "ready" on all levels, there wouldn't be as many babies, that's for sure. Is anyone every completely emotionally, financially and physically ready for childbirth and rearing a child? Maybe so, but they are few and far between.

Obviously we will wait until the time is right for us, but how did you all "know" you were ready? What was the moment that you and your H said "yep, I think we're ready." I'm curious!

Sorry if this has been posted, but what, in your opinion, is a good age to have a child? 20-25? 25-30? 30-35? I just wanted to gauge your opinion. I hear from all kinds of sources about the right "age" and wanted to see if anyone had anything to say about that.

Thanks everyone!

barely · December 2013

I think age is personal preference and what is right for you. My mom had her first when she was 30 and said it was too late, that she was already too set in her ways. But others don't feel ready until their 30s. I'll be 24 soon here and DH is 25. Some might say we are "young"...but I really don't think so. We have been together for over 7 years and married over a year and a half. We aren't rolling in dough but we are stable enough to make it work. I want to have 3 or 4 children so I want to give myself plenty of time. I have been Eager to have kids forever, but we decided to finally start as soon as I got a stable job. Hope that helps!

Cole&Kailee · December 2013

Makes total sense! Thanks! I know these answers will vary wildy, but it's nice to know what people think. I'm 25 and think I'm young, but not too young. Certainly mature for my age, and think I'd be ready mentally, but I am also not rolling in the dough either, but I don't want to wait until I'm 35 and perhaps more wealthy because I want to be a young mom (plus my baby fever is crazy) haha! We'll just see how we feel next year. I mean, it can take a while to conceive!

cleaneatingmama · December 2013

I think this is a great question, and one that everyone thinks about.

"When is the right time?"

Let's look at a different perspective, shall we?
No one is guaranteed tomorrow. Your job is not guaranteed. Your security is not guaranteed. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

Now, with that being said, I am a half glass full kind of person and I do plan like there is a tomorrow.

But you must do what your heart is telling you! Don't worry if someone thinks you are too young, or may not bringing in enough income, or have a big enough house... because there is always something that could be improved, right?

You are now living your life with your husband and starting to build your own family! The perfect time is when you two decide! Build your life together as a family with your children! Your life will have bumps and rocky "not so perfect" times and that's OK. Trust your instinct, your love and bond. It will only grow stronger!

kcisthebombdotcom · December 2013

cleaneatingmama said:

I think this is a great question, and one that everyone thinks about.

"When is the right time?"

Let's look at a different perspective, shall we?
No one is guaranteed tomorrow. Your job is not guaranteed. Your security is not guaranteed. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

Now, with that being said, I am a half glass full kind of person and I do plan like there is a tomorrow.

But you must do what your heart is telling you! Don't worry if someone thinks you are too young, or may not bringing in enough income, or have a big enough house... because there is always something that could be improved, right?

You are now living your life with your husband and starting to build your own family! The perfect time is when you two decide! Build your life together as a family with your children! Your life will have bumps and rocky "not so perfect" times and that's OK. Trust your instinct, your love and bond. It will only grow stronger!

Yeah, I think ill call our local children's hospital and offer to pay the thousands of dollars of medical bills they send me with love. ::insert sarcasm here::

Your heart does not pay for diapers or formula. Statistically too many kids in this country go without basic needs. Do you need to be a millionaire? Of course not. You should be able to afford to pay hospital bills, formula (even if you want to breastfeed it doesn't always work), diapers, the cost of adding your dependent to your insurance plan, clothes, toys, and handle the occasional emergency. Under the best circumstances kids are pricey. If you can afford to provide for a kid financially and emotionally great. Have one. Age doesn't matter--you can be 20 and be able financially and emotionally to care for a child or 40 and unable to.

Jags8 · December 2013

For us, we have certain goals we ant to meet (e.g. have x amount of money put away for an emergency/in case of loss of job), and also things we just want to do first (e.g. we never took a honeymoon so we are taking one after almost 2 years of marriage).

My baby fever also isn't nearly as strong as DH's. I go back and forth. I'm also only 25, and I don't know if I want to sacrifice my freedom quite yet. I'd feel more comfortable with being a mom at like 27. So based on our list of things to do, we have tentatively set a date of September 2014 for TTC. We can always revisit it at that time if I'm still not feeling quite ready.

dogperson11 · December 2013

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and we're in our late 20s. When we were first married he was in the Navy. He has gotten out and has been pursuing a degree for the last few years while I've been our sole income. About a year and a half into our marriage I got baby fever like mad. We sat down and made goals - some fun stuff, some emotional stuff, a lot of financial stuff. We decided last Christmas to start trying this past October.

For us the major tipping point (financially) was knowing that he'll be done with his schooling before a baby comes. We've also purchased a home and significantly reduced our debt (mainly my student loans). We have saved a large chunk (it will cover medical expenses [deductible + co insurance] plus my maternity leave since my company does not offer STD). Our major tipping point (emotionally) was when we realized we felt like someone was missing from our family during things (vacations, holidays, etc.).

No one here can tell you if you're ready or not. A great thing for you two to do would be to sit down and decide what you want to accomplish BEFORE a baby is in the picture, then work on tackling the list.

normandyn7 · December 2013

DH and I got married last November and I was pregnant in December. Even though I love my son with everything in me, I kind of wish we had waited so that we could have enjoyed being married for awhile. I also didn't have insurance and we were looking into buying a house and a new car. Well an unplanned pregnancy changed all that. I think you will know when it is right. I'm excited to start "planning" our next baby. I figure we will see where we are in a year and go from there. I have a 3 month old and I already have baby fever! But we are for sure not ready for another one right now.

lifeonthehill · December 2013

I am 22 and DH is 24. We are ready now but we have a few things left on the baby bucket list.

Pay off DH's biggest SL and get ourselves under 10,000 left in debt.

Save another 8,500 into our savings account.

Start funding DH's 401k to match his employer

Start a Roth IRA and fund it with 1,500 to start.

Once we do start TTC we will start saving exclusive money for pregnancy. Money for hospital bills, CO pays and prescriptions.

SmileyJay · December 2013

On this board we are all from different walks of life just trying to plan our families the best we can. I am from the south where the average maternal age is lower. Around here, having a first child after 30 would be on the older side. Most people have their first by 25 but cost of living is lower and other factors like less people go to college.

My husband and I both have bachelor's degrees, have started careers, bought a house, traveled internationally, and saved money. We are going to start ttc in January. By the time a baby is born (if we conceived in Jan) I will be 25, he will be 26, and we will have been married for over 3 years. We are more prepared than most people our age but that is mostly because we got married young (21) and have saved money and prioritized for children. I chose a job with a lot of flexibility and good benefits so it won't be an issue to work from home, etc. as need be. Having kids has always been the plan and we are so excited to feel ready to bring a new member into our family!

I am sure there are some people who never feel ready... and others that feel ready when they really aren't. I am sure we don't fit the mold of perfectly ready by others standards... we still have student loans, for example. But it is all relative and there is no right answer. When we get pregnant, I bet there will still be moments of "what are we doing!?" but that is how it is for everyone going through a major life change.

This question has been asked 1000 times over on this board, so snoop around and read responses.

There is no one size fits all for baby making.

Ducktale · December 2013

It's totally different for everyone. For us, we've had 4 years to enjoy being just us, get used to be married, enjoy all the things we want to do but will be more difficult with kids. We both "feel" ready (as vague as that is). We have stable jobs. We have insurance. And we're in a good place financially (6 month emergency fund, costs of labor and delivery, costs of buying all you need to buy for a baby saved, as well as can afford the added monthly costs of increased health insurance premiums, etc.). So now we're ready. Before this, we were not. Our friends had babies sooner than us, and so it was tempting to just "go for it" because "you'll never really be ready anyway". But I'm so glad we did not give in to that line of thinking.

SmileyJay · December 2013

Just wanted to pipe up with my 2 cents again - I think everyone wants to be supportive so some people say "it will all work out!" "no one is ever 100% ready" etc. which are just not very constructive.

If I has listened to everyone else and had a baby as soon as I got baby fever, I would have a 4-5 year old now. I would have had a very hard time finishing college and I highly doubt my husband and I would be as close as we are now. We have had years to get comfortable financially, do things we wanted to do and just enjoy each other. We would have made it work and loved our child, but it would have been much more difficult to be the parents we hope to be.

It doesn't matter how you cut it - kid's are very expensive. Even if you breast feed, cloth diaper, have parents as free child care, etc. they are expensive. Love doesn't pay the bills and although you love your children, if you chose to get pregnant when you can not afford the basics you are not looking out for the best interest of the child.

Giving it at least some thought makes you ahead of most parents out there already.

kdr115 · December 2013

Definitely look at your relationship with your DH - how well can you communicate? how well do you handle differences? do you feel well connected? I think first, your relationship needs to be very strong before welcoming a baby into your life. I have always felt you will not be 100% ready on all levels - emotion, financial, etc. I personally am not excited to have less couple time with my husband, or less free time but I am THRILLED to have a baby in our lives to show us new experiences & help us grow on a different level. I do not think I can put an 'ideal' age on when to have a baby - I feel your relationship with your husband is more important. Finances are important in the sense that you need to be able to provide for your child so they have a healthy & happy life.

Ardmhs83 · December 2013

This is a very personal choice for everyone, like other posters have said. I would say age isn't the best indicator, I'd base it more on your relationship with your husband, your living circumstances and the money you have. I had my son at age 26 and I had my college degree finished and was working full time as a teacher. We already owned our home as well. We didn't and still don't have a huge savings account ( we are both teachers), but we have the money to provide my son everything he needs and wants, without needing any help. Those are the biggest things IMO. If you are 25 and have most of that stuff under your belt you may be ready?

Having a baby is REALLY hard work...it is no puppies and rainbows all the time! Make sure you are ready to commit to something that takes your 24/7 attention, with no sleep! It's tough...the hardest job you will ever have.

Good luck with your decision!

leahsandhu · December 2013

This a great question because it's something I have been thinking about as well.
But first of all, what does DH mean? I'm guessing it's husband but just don't know the correct term.

I have crazy baby fever right now, but my husband wants to wait. It's tough because we are ready emotionally, and I think we are at the perfect age to have our first child (26 /27). We've discussed waiting another 6 months so that we can buy a house and get that established before bringing a baby into our family. We've been together almost 10 years and married for one year and half, so we've had lost of time to spend just the two of us. On the other hand, there is so much more traveling we would love to do which is also very expensive.
I think if it happens sooner than later, I will be happy to give up some of those vacations.

pelomama · December 2013

OP, I could have written your post! My husband and I have been together for 10 years (high school sweethearts!), married for 2. We have a 3 yr old golden retriever who is our only baby so far! We bought a house about a year ago and have very stable jobs in professions fields - and we definitely have baby fever.

DH will be 27 next week, I'll be 26 in Feb and we want to start trying in May. We are from the Philly metro area where people seem to have babies later (30+) and we get so many side-eyes when we say we want to try soon, it's really frustrating. We have more than enough income for a baby (I'm a CPA and my husband works for a family business and is on track to own it in a few years...) and I've always been very mature for my age. I can't get past how people judge me about this, it's really bothersome!

I understand how people wouldn't want to have kids at our age (and we are far from "scandalously young"), but people tend to assume because they aren't ready at 25, 26, 27, that you shouldn't be either.
ETA- I don't mean people in this thread may feel that way, but even if you have your shit together people seem to think you have to be a certain age to be having a kid.

Good luck to you!

Cole&Kailee · December 2013

Ha ha! I had to laugh at those last posters! Truly depends on the day, huh?

Today DH would be douche husband!! haha.

Thanks for all the advice. I'd say we are ready emotionally--sure. We love our furchild and treat him like a baby all the time. I know he's not a REAL child, but we certainly act like he is and it has prepared us somewhat for a baby (by getting up in the middle of the night, giving up our social life at night, feeding him before us, bathing him when he's dirty etc). We have a room that we will use for our future baby and it already has hand-me-downs and my old books in it. We're thrilled about the idea, but just need some time to truly sit down and plan everything out. How much time will we take off? What should we save? When should I get off the pill and get on prenatal pills? Etc... I think it's different for everyone, for sure! It's super unfortunate that we both have student loans and a car payment and house payment, but those things can't really be avoided at this time. I can't magically pay off these debts right now, if not 5-10 years from now. Haha if I waited until his car and our total student loans are paid off, I think we'd be 40 and I do not want to wait THAT long!

I figured we'd try later next year so I'd be 26 by the time the baby is born and at least a good chunk of debt is paid off. We have an excellent support system and we are great with money. We'll see what the future brings though

Want a personalized experience?

How do you know when/if you're ready?

Re: How do you know when/if you're ready?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards