- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Pregnant after 35
Melissa72777
member
Super Long post...how to deal with mom
Melissa72777
member
Ok so I will start by apologizing if I ramble a bit it's kind of a long story. I am an only child and was raised by my mom and stepdad. My stepdad really was my father figure so I will just call him my dad. My dad passed away a month ago so my mom and I are obviously still dealing with his loss. As hard as this has been on me it's worse for my mom. This is the first time in her life that she has lived alone. I have always been very close to her (she is my best friend) but I have been trying to spend even more time with her since he has been gone. On top of just the normal process of dealing with a loss my mom also suffers from depression and about 10 years ago attempted suicide. Since that time she has been on meds for the depression off and on but still has bouts of it.
And onto some more back story. I married DH 2 years ago and from the first time I introduced my mom to my in laws my mom immediately refused to even give them a chance. Throughout the planning of the wedding and my bridal shower my mom would complain about MIL and SIL, would avoid dealing with them as much as possible, and when all was said and done swore she would never deal with them on planning anything ever again. Over the last two years I think she has seen my in laws twice (once last Christmas at a party at my house and again at my dad's funeral a month ago). She refuses to do joint holidays and constantly refuses any invites from my in laws to join them for holidays or family gatherings. She even will make rude comments when DH and I have to split the holidays between the two families and either leave her house early or come over later.
Ok so onto my current problem. About two weeks (if it was even that long) my mom began planning my baby shower. She asked for help from my friend who had been my MOH in my wedding but refuses to involve my MIL at all except to have her review the guest list for accurate addresses for DH's side of the family. Yeah that's right she's inviting DH's family and even some of MIL's friends but will not let MIL be involved in planning at all. So the other day my mom sends MIL an email telling her the date of the shower and a few details and includes the guest list for her review. MIL of course responds with any updates to the list and says that she really wants to help in some way especially since half the guest list is her family. My mom then takes it to a whole nother level and tells MIL that this is her first and likely only grandchild (MIL already has 2 from my SIL) and that she really wants to do this for me. She also puts I there how it's helping her stay busy with the loss of my dad. She basically tells my MIL thanks but no thanks. So MIL responds she understands it helping her stay busy but that they are the other side of this baby's family and she really wanted to help. MIL then mentions that maybe each side should do separate showers. My mom waits a bit to respond and when she finally does she says invites have already gone out in mail which basically prevents MIL from having a separate shower.
After seeing all of this I was really upset at how my mom was acting. We went to dinner the night that all these emails were sent and I tried to tactfully explain to her how MIL may be feeling and that at the very least she should ask her to come decorate on the day of the shower. My mom freaks out and starts crying saying things like maybe I should just let her run the whole thing and just stay home or why does everything have to revolve around your in laws. She finally came out and said "You would be better off without me here cause you have a new family now." Now I know that this is a veiled suicide threat cause I've heard them enough over the years. This set me off and I actually ended up walking out of the restaurant which wasn't well thought out since my mom had driven us there. She called me while I was out in the parking lot and asked me to come back in. I told her no so she paid the bill and came out to the car. We had a long talk and basically it finally came out that she obviously is really missing my dad especially as it gets closer and closer to Christmas. She said that me and the baby are all she has left and she felt like In laws were trying to take me away from her. Now while I have nothing against my MIL I am also not close to her at all. I pretty much only see her at family gatherings or holidays. Meanwhile I talk to my mom several times a day every day. See her several times a week and pretty much involve her in all aspects of my life. So her saying this is just crazy. I explained all of this to her. I also addressed her veiled threat by telling her how nervous I am about being a FTM and how much I need her there for me and the baby. I also told her how selfish suicide is and that I know she is not a selfish person so it really upsets me to hear her talk like that. In the end we both calmed down and both apologized but she still is not allowing MIL to help with the baby shower.
Then yesterday MIL calls DH and she is all upset because she can't help. She is asking DH if she ever did anything to offend my mom and why she is being like this. She even asked if DH and I don't want her involved in the baby's life. He reassured her that wasn't the case at all and tried to explain the mental state my mom is currently in and issues she has in general. He tried to let his mom know that it's not personal and in no way reflects the way we feel about her. She told him she understood but he said he could tell she was pretty hurt by the whole thing.
This is all driving me nuts. I barely slept last night thinking about it and started crying this morning thinking about it. I want to talk to my mom and try to make her understand how she is making MIL feel but I'm afraid that will push her over the edge again and she will think I'm taking MIL's side. I also want to talk to MIL and just put it all out on the table about my mom but at the same time I and my mom are both very private people and I feel bad airing my mom's baggage without her knowing. I just feel like if I don't tell MIL what the real problems are she will continue to take offense and there will be an even bigger rift between our families.
So now that you have read this novel, anyone have any advice for me?
And onto some more back story. I married DH 2 years ago and from the first time I introduced my mom to my in laws my mom immediately refused to even give them a chance. Throughout the planning of the wedding and my bridal shower my mom would complain about MIL and SIL, would avoid dealing with them as much as possible, and when all was said and done swore she would never deal with them on planning anything ever again. Over the last two years I think she has seen my in laws twice (once last Christmas at a party at my house and again at my dad's funeral a month ago). She refuses to do joint holidays and constantly refuses any invites from my in laws to join them for holidays or family gatherings. She even will make rude comments when DH and I have to split the holidays between the two families and either leave her house early or come over later.
Ok so onto my current problem. About two weeks (if it was even that long) my mom began planning my baby shower. She asked for help from my friend who had been my MOH in my wedding but refuses to involve my MIL at all except to have her review the guest list for accurate addresses for DH's side of the family. Yeah that's right she's inviting DH's family and even some of MIL's friends but will not let MIL be involved in planning at all. So the other day my mom sends MIL an email telling her the date of the shower and a few details and includes the guest list for her review. MIL of course responds with any updates to the list and says that she really wants to help in some way especially since half the guest list is her family. My mom then takes it to a whole nother level and tells MIL that this is her first and likely only grandchild (MIL already has 2 from my SIL) and that she really wants to do this for me. She also puts I there how it's helping her stay busy with the loss of my dad. She basically tells my MIL thanks but no thanks. So MIL responds she understands it helping her stay busy but that they are the other side of this baby's family and she really wanted to help. MIL then mentions that maybe each side should do separate showers. My mom waits a bit to respond and when she finally does she says invites have already gone out in mail which basically prevents MIL from having a separate shower.
After seeing all of this I was really upset at how my mom was acting. We went to dinner the night that all these emails were sent and I tried to tactfully explain to her how MIL may be feeling and that at the very least she should ask her to come decorate on the day of the shower. My mom freaks out and starts crying saying things like maybe I should just let her run the whole thing and just stay home or why does everything have to revolve around your in laws. She finally came out and said "You would be better off without me here cause you have a new family now." Now I know that this is a veiled suicide threat cause I've heard them enough over the years. This set me off and I actually ended up walking out of the restaurant which wasn't well thought out since my mom had driven us there. She called me while I was out in the parking lot and asked me to come back in. I told her no so she paid the bill and came out to the car. We had a long talk and basically it finally came out that she obviously is really missing my dad especially as it gets closer and closer to Christmas. She said that me and the baby are all she has left and she felt like In laws were trying to take me away from her. Now while I have nothing against my MIL I am also not close to her at all. I pretty much only see her at family gatherings or holidays. Meanwhile I talk to my mom several times a day every day. See her several times a week and pretty much involve her in all aspects of my life. So her saying this is just crazy. I explained all of this to her. I also addressed her veiled threat by telling her how nervous I am about being a FTM and how much I need her there for me and the baby. I also told her how selfish suicide is and that I know she is not a selfish person so it really upsets me to hear her talk like that. In the end we both calmed down and both apologized but she still is not allowing MIL to help with the baby shower.
Then yesterday MIL calls DH and she is all upset because she can't help. She is asking DH if she ever did anything to offend my mom and why she is being like this. She even asked if DH and I don't want her involved in the baby's life. He reassured her that wasn't the case at all and tried to explain the mental state my mom is currently in and issues she has in general. He tried to let his mom know that it's not personal and in no way reflects the way we feel about her. She told him she understood but he said he could tell she was pretty hurt by the whole thing.
This is all driving me nuts. I barely slept last night thinking about it and started crying this morning thinking about it. I want to talk to my mom and try to make her understand how she is making MIL feel but I'm afraid that will push her over the edge again and she will think I'm taking MIL's side. I also want to talk to MIL and just put it all out on the table about my mom but at the same time I and my mom are both very private people and I feel bad airing my mom's baggage without her knowing. I just feel like if I don't tell MIL what the real problems are she will continue to take offense and there will be an even bigger rift between our families.
So now that you have read this novel, anyone have any advice for me?
Melissa
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Super Long post...how to deal with mom
I have depression and I know traumatic events is what triggers mine.
I was on meds and did talk to someone that does help.
Can you talk to her Dr about the suicide thoughts? She might need something soon just to get her over this early part since everything just happened.
My mom also has depression but will not admit it. She also gets so jealous. I went to the movies w a friend and my mom said well I guess I have to compete w so and so. Really mom? My mom just moved 15 mins away from me and she used to live 9 hr aways.
Now she is retired. I work crazy hours and drive an hour each way to work. Yet she will get upset if I don't want to visit her. I ask her to come to me and it is a production sometimes.
I am an only child for my mom so I ca relate on how your mom is. My MIL is 80 and has major health issues so she is not able to do things for me but I do things for her.
I really think your mom needs to see her Dr and a therapist even if you go w her so she is not alone if she wants you too.
You might want to go w her to at least the Dr so you know she is telling the truth to the Dr. Sometimes they like to fib and say they are fine.
Hugs to you. Not sure if I helped or not w my opinions.
Melissa