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Positive discipline and language

kcisthebombdotcomkcisthebombdotcom member
in Attachment Parenting
So my almost four year old is going through a moody, defiant Phase. We've dealt with this in the past and we've had success with getting him to regulate his emotions by using his words to tell us he's angry instead of hitting, taking a minute to go cool off in his room and yelling in a pillow, stomping his feet, etc. he's still okay with doing that but now the mean words come out like "you're the worst mommy ever" "i hate you" or "I'm going to call the fire department and they're going to kill you" (not really sure where that came from, thank you preschool). I'm not really having a whole lot of success with the usual strategies to deter this. Any tips?
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Re: Positive discipline and language

  • Emerald27Emerald27 member
    @KC_13. I have no advice, cause DS is just 2 and doesn't have the language skills for that sort of behavior yet. I just wanted to say that it must be so hard to hear those things (even though he doesn't really mean them), and I'm so sorry. ::hugs::
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  • erbearerbear member
    I have a nearly 5 year old, and we are dealing with that too. We just tell her to go to her room when she is saying rude things. when she's calmed down, we explain that it hurts our feelings when she says those things. 

    This is a hard age and consistency is key.
    "Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies. God damn it, you've got to be kind." - Kurt Vonnegut
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  • ReeceFamilyReeceFamily member
    Playful Parenting talks a lot about this and has some great strategies. He (the author) would say it is your child trying to connect. My LO is too young to do this yet, but I'll definitely refer back to the book when the "I hate you" stage hits our house!!
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  • =Lee=B=Lee=B member

    Some times its not so much them trying to hurt you or make you mad but it's them trying to figure things out.  When they say 'I hate you'  they may be seeing if you say it in return.  Or seeing if you don't 'like' them after they say it.  A way of testing just how strong your love is for them...more out of fear or concern than 'being bad'. 

    If they are in school they may be seeing kids say this to each other, and often when the kids say this the child that it was said to likely starts avoiding them or gets mad at them in return and it perhaps (even temporarily) changes their relationship. 

    How confusing that must be for young children to see...and how scary to think that maybe if I said something to mom she wouldn't love me anymore. 

     

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  • kcisthebombdotcomkcisthebombdotcom member
    Thanks everyone--all great suggestions!
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  • aglennaglenn member
    Welcome to the high drama of age 4!  That kind of talk gets DD sent to her room until she can calm down, apologize, and say what she means with nicer words.  Basically what Fred said except if she is really being ugly she has to go to her room first before getting a chance to say it again in a nicer way.
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  • kcisthebombdotcomkcisthebombdotcom member
    edited December 2013
    Emerald27 said:
    @KC_13. I have no advice, cause DS is just 2 and doesn't have the language skills for that sort of behavior yet. I just wanted to say that it must be so hard to hear those things (even though he doesn't really mean them), and I'm so sorry. ::hugs::

    It definitely feels like a dagger to the heart to hear the mean stuff come out. For every mean comment 10 nice ones come. He tells me he loves me, I'm his best buddy and he's going to live at home forever. He says when he grows up were going to get married and dance together at the wedding. He loves to show off his sister and I to his friends--when we go to the playground after I pick him up from preschool he tells all his friends who I am/who dd is and to say hi to us. Lol. It's a trying age for sure but very sweet at times too. :)
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  • neverblushedneverblushed member
    Remember how 2s were characterized by oppositional behavior?  Saying "No" and having tantrums?  And how you might have noticed that, at age 3, your child was more prone to be whiny?  
    Well, I found that for both of my children, the 4s were characterized by a spike in angry and aggressive words, and a corresponding surge in fears.

    My DD, who was very verbal and very stubborn, was particularly tough to deal with at this age.  Like your son, she would burst out with angry words like, "Mommy, I'm so MAD at you!!" and "Mommy, I don't love you anymore!"

    I responded by acknowledging her feelings, but reminding her that those types of angry words were not helpful and not acceptable.  She gradually grew out of it.
    High School English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 12th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 7th grade
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  • CtlsRajeshCtlsRajesh member
    I think this is the right answer.
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