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Only Child Guilt

michellepete824michellepete824 member
in One & Done: Only child
I'm 38 years old. My husband and I have a beautiful baby boy who is nearly 16 months. I have always thought we'd have just one child. We were married for 11 years before we had him. We are business owners, and spent time focusing on that instead of a family. Just over the last month and a half, I'm feeling major guilt about having "only one". I feel we are depriving him of a sibling, leaving him to navigate life alone after we are gone. Being "older" parents, he'll likely be without his parents when he's in his 40's. I've felt desperate that we need to have another child NOW because of my age. My husband wants time to think about it. I'm seriously starting to feel crazy about all of this. 

Can you share we me the great things about being an only child? Somewhere along the way I've forgotten why we chose to only have one and need reassurance that it's ok to have only one. 
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Re: Only Child Guilt

  • Tink112011Tink112011 member

    There are many many great things about being an only child.  If you browse a few threads below, there has been a lot discussed on that.

    I wanted to respond to your comment about "leaving him to navigate life alone after we are gone."  I had a brother growing up, but he passed when I was 23.  I'm "kinda" an only child, but I don't feel AT ALL like I will be navigating life alone when my parents pass.  I have a husband, DS, aunts, uncles, cousins, and many many many wonderful life-long friends.  My brother and I were not close growing up or as young adults.  He lived in a different state and I saw him once a year.  Your child does not need a sibling to be happy, and there is zero guarantee that siblings will get along, be close, and provide emotional support at any point.

    DS 11.24.11
    MMC 3.30.16
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  • Arcadia1114Arcadia1114 member
    Dh is an only and loved everything about his childhood I have one sister. We didn't talk for four months after my mother died because of how much we disagreed with how things were handled. Having a sibling doesn't guarantee support when parents are dying.
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  • PhantomPowerPhantomPower member
    Like the other posters have mentioned, there's no guarantee that siblings get along or support each other.

    A lot of my reasoning was the amount of attention I'll be able to give my son that I wouldn't be able to with two. I work FT and already worry I don't give him enough attention or spend enough time with him on weekdays. Adding another baby to the mix inevitably will take away from that time and I'd have less energy overall.

    Someone on here said something that really stuck with me. It was along the lines of "I'm a good mom and good wife with 1 child, why change that?" I don't feel like I'd be nearly as good of a mom or wife with 2. All 3 of us are happy as 3.

    No one can tell you what's right for your family. My friends are starting to get pregnant with their second and I'm thrilled for them. I think they'll be wonderful parents to 2 but I feel content and that I'm making the best decision for all of us by keeping it a family of 3.
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  • coastalmainecoastalmaine member
    I am in a similar boat. Ds is 18 months old... I am 37 and my husband is 40... Between having a complicated birth ( dS was born at 29 weeks) and being older, we are one and done as well. I have the same guilty thoughts that you do...but have gotten a lot of reassurance from this board. I guess I keep reminding myself that I should want another child for the same of having another little being in my life...not bc I worry DS will have to face things alone once we are old...that really isn't a great reason, and honestly it is my only reason. I don't feel any urge to be pregnant again or have a second child outside of that guilt...so for me, that is my answer.
    Chemical Pregnancy 2001, Married 8/8/09, TTC April 2011, BFP 5/8/11, Missed M/C @ 9wk5d, D&C 6/21/11 BFP 11/13/11 Chase Everett born at 29wks 0 days on 5/7/12 at 2 lbs 14 oz, 14 1/2 inches long.
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  • Nechie122Nechie122 member
    I think your feelings are normal. Every parent wants to do what's best for her child.

    But sometimes it's hard to know what "best" is. Natalie Portman once said that she never would have been as successful as she is if she hadn't been an only child. Similarly, I can provide twice as many opportunies to my only as I could to two children. Things like private school, summer camp, fully funded college and international vacations are pretty much a given if we only have one. She also has our undivided time and attention. Are those things "better" than a sibling? I'm not going to argue that. But I try to focus on what I AM giving her, rather than what I'm not.
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  • hopefulmom81hopefulmom81 member
    You should look up the threads where those of us who are onlies post about our experiences, I think it will help you a lot!

    I am an only and I love it.  I have NEVER once questioned having a sibling.  We don't know what we don't know, kwim?  

    Plus, it isn't our job as parents to "give a child a sibling" that is archaic and kind of weird, imo.  It is our job to make the best decisions for our family and to provide love and support.  I am not trying to be aggressive, I just HATE the phrase "give LO a sibling" or "depriving them of a sibling".  I think on the flip side you could say those with multiple are, "depriving LO of attention and resources" that they might have had if they were onlies.  Siblings shouldn't be the norm.  The norm should be whatever makes you, as the parents, happy. 

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